How Spy I Am

by Diane Henders

  “I’m sorry,” I said, and slipped out the door.

  Hellhound drew back, his hand still poised in midair for another knock, and I brushed past him to head for the Forester.

  “Aydan? Darlin’, what’s wrong?”

  I kept walking and got into the SUV, staring through the windshield.

  He slid into the driver’s seat. “Aydan-”

  “Please take me home,” I interrupted.

  In my peripheral vision, I saw him lean forward, trying to catch my eye. “Aydan?” Gentle fingertips coaxed my chin around so he could look into my face. “Aydan, ya gotta talk to him. Ya can’t just-”

  “We talked. We’ve said everything there is to say. We’re done. Please take me home.”

  I turned back to the windshield. Stay in control.

  “Aw, darlin’…” He started to reach for me.

  “Don’t.”

  I sat rigidly, controlling my breathing, controlling my thoughts. Just get home.

  For a few long moments, I felt the weight of Arnie’s gaze. Finally he blew out a breath and put the SUV in gear.

  When he pulled up behind the hotel, I took a deep breath. “Arnie, I’m sorry, I can’t do this tonight.” I cursed the thin, lost tremor in my voice. “Please, just take me home.”

  His gentle caress on my hair made my eyes brim up despite my best efforts. “Darlin’, I wouldn’t ask ya to,” he murmured. “I just gotta go up an’ get the tracker, ‘cause it hadta stay in the hotel ‘til ya got here. Just sit tight, I’ll be right back.”

  He returned in minutes, and we made the trip to my farm in silence. As soon as the SUV stopped, I got out and hurried to the front door, but Arnie was too fast for me despite his limp. He crowded into the house behind me, swinging the door shut on the cameras outside.

  I turned to face him, trying to find a way to say ‘please go away’ without hurting his feelings. Before I could find the words, he held my face between his hands, examining me tensely. “Tell me what’s wrong, Aydan. Did he hurt ya?”

  “No. He would never hurt me. I’m fine.” I held my voice level with an effort. “Thanks for the ride. Good night.”

  He looked down at me for a few seconds longer, his face softening. “Not hurt,” he rasped quietly. “Just hurtin’. Aw, darlin’.” He gently closed his arms around me.

  “Stop giving me sympathy, dammit,” I quavered. I made a half-hearted attempt to push him away, but his powerful arms held me until I surrendered a few seconds later to hide my face against his chest. I fought the almost-overwhelming urge to dissolve into weak tears, the effort making me tremble against him while he stroked my hair, muttering comfort. When I was reasonably sure my eyes wouldn’t spill over, I stiffened my spine and pulled away, wrapping my arms around myself to hold the last of his warmth.

  “Thanks,” I mumbled. “You should probably get back to the hotel.”

  He took stock of my shivering for a moment before he blew out a long breath and stooped to remove his boots. “Come on, darlin’. Let’s get ya to bed.”

  Too spent to argue, I let him shepherd me to my bedroom, where I stood trembling in a stupor of fatigue and misery while he undressed me with gentle hands. When he tucked me in and lay down fully clothed on top of the blankets beside me, I curled into the shelter of his arms until sleep claimed me at last.

  Chapter 18

  Hellhound’s quiet rasp woke me. “Aydan, come on, darlin’, ya gotta wake up an’ go to work.”

  I buried my aching face in the pillow with a groan. “Tell them I’m sick. No, fuck that, tell them I’m dead.”

  “I’ll call in sick for ya if ya want. Don’t think dead’ll work though.”

  I groaned again and pried open an eyelid to squint at the bedside clock. Six-thirty. Two and a half hours of sleep. Fabulous.

  “Ya could sleep a little later if ya skip your shower, but I figured you’d probl’y want one this mornin’, considerin’.”

  “Yeah, I’ll get up.” I flopped over onto my back, peering up at him. “What do you mean, ‘considering’?”

  Hellhound shrugged. “Considerin’ ya were doin’ the tube snake boogie last night.”

  I struggled into sitting position and briefly considered tucking the sheets around me before deciding it was too much trouble. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen me naked before.

  I scowled in his direction. “What, it was on the morning news? Or did Kane phone you to compare notes?”

  He chuckled. “Nah. But there’s only one reason Kane’d fall asleep while ya were there, an’ it ain’t boredom. An’ ya had your T-shirt on inside-out.”

  “Hmmph. That’s what I get for hanging out with a private eye.” I dragged myself out of bed and stretched slowly, feeling the ache of hard use and missing the glow that should have made it delicious.

  “Jesus, Aydan, stop doin’ that,” Hellhound rasped. “I ain’t a fuckin’ saint.”

  “It’s over with Kane, you don’t have to-” I began, but he shook his head and hurried out of the bedroom.

  On my front porch, Hellhound slung an arm around me and guided me into the garage. I eyed him uncertainly as he leaned against my truck. He brushed my hair back, his fingertips lingering on my cheek.

  “Didn’t think ya were up to a big show for the cameras this mornin’,” he explained. “Just give it a minute. Let ‘em think we’re neckin’ in here.”

  I slid my arms around him and rested my head against his shoulder. “Thanks. But you don’t have to do this anymore. Kane and I are done for good, and it’ll be best for everybody if he gets transferred. If he doesn’t already hate me, he will soon enough.”

  “Aydan, what happened last night?” he asked. “If you’re gonna end it with a guy, it ain’t usually a good idea to sleep with him. Did somethin’ go wrong after?” I felt tension creep into his body. “Or… durin’? Did he do somethin’ to ya-”

  “No, it was nothing like that,” I interrupted, feeling him relax again. “I just… it was my stupid fault. He offered to be friends with benefits, and I wanted to believe it could work, but it can’t. It just made things worse. He was mad and disappointed, and I can’t blame him, but dammit, I told him that up front, he knew…”

  “Shh, darlin’, I know,” Arnie comforted. “I been down that road with chicks so many times, I was about ready to call it quits before ya came along.”

  I snickered despite myself. “You? Quit the chicks? Like that’ll ever happen.” He said nothing, and I hid my face in his jacket. “I didn’t want to hurt him,” I mumbled.

  “I know, darlin’.”

  When I stepped into the lobby at Sirius Dynamics, I came face-to-face with Stemp. “Ms. Widdenback,” he greeted me, and I winced.

  “Please don’t call me that.”

  “You need to get used to responding to it. In a crisis situation, instantaneous recognition can mean the difference between life and death.”

  I groaned. “I’ll take death.”

  He eyed me expressionlessly. “Please see me in my office directly.”

  I managed to resist the impulse to thud my head against the bulletproof glass of the security wicket while I signed for my fob. Dreading the meeting, I trudged up the stairs to Stemp’s office.

  When I tapped on his door, he beckoned me inside and waved me into a chair. He didn’t ask for my gun or tell me to close the door behind me, and my spirits rose fractionally. Maybe it was nothing bad for a change.

  “I wanted to notify you that your car will be delivered this afternoon,” he said.

  “Oh.” I slumped in relief. “Great.” I was getting ready to rise when he fixed me with his impassive stare.

  “Also,” he said, and my gut clenched.

  Wait for it…

  “As you requested, I have reinstated Kane to your team, and Richardson has been reassigned to his former duties.”

  “…oh.” I tried to conceal the hollowness of the word, but Stemp’s eyes narrowed.

  “Is there a problem? It was my unders
tanding that it was important to you to have Kane on your team.”

  Shit.

  “No problem,” I said. “Thank you.”

  He watched me for a few more seconds. “You’re welcome. Dismissed.”

  I tottered out of his office and down the hall into the ladies’ room. Safely enclosed in a cubicle, I slumped down on the toilet to beat my forehead against the toilet paper roll. That didn’t seem to help, so I got up again and went to the sink, slamming the button on the soap dispenser with a good deal more force than necessary.

  No escape. There was no stopper in the sink, so I couldn’t drown myself. And hell, with the kind of day I was having, if I tried to shoot myself, I’d probably miss. Or, more likely, give myself a mortifying, excruciatingly painful but non-fatal flesh wound.

  I fixed my baggy-eyed reflection with a glare and gave it a severe mental lecture about living with the consequences of its actions, having cake and eating it, and a handful of other bullshit platitudes.

  My reflection returned a scowl and a vigorous middle finger, and I heaved a sigh that fluttered the paper towels before slogging down the hall to my office.

  “Good morning!” Spider’s buoyant greeting trailed off into uncertainty when he got a look at my face. “Aydan, are you all right?”

  Hoping my drawn-back lips looked more like a smile than a snarl, I muttered a general ‘Good morning’ to the room’s occupants and added, “I’m fine, Spider, thanks. Just tired.”

  I propped myself against the door frame and took stock of the tension humming inside the room.

  Kane sat in his usual chair, his body language open and relaxed. He returned a noncommittal ‘Good morning’, his cop face firmly in place. Anyone else would think he hadn’t a care in the world, but a glance at his iron-grey eyes made me look away quickly.

  Honey’s gaze had been fastened on his back, and she gave a start and turned to greet me, too. Smith just stared at me with creepy intensity. Fine. At least he wouldn’t bother to blow sunshine up my ass.

  I let out a long sigh and plodded over to collapse on the sofa. “Anything new?”

  “Uh…” Spider’s gaze darted between Kane and me before resolutely focusing on my face. “The analysts have flagged a few more priority files. If you could go in and decrypt them first, that would be great. Then this afternoon, Stemp wants you to go in and check Fuzzy Bunny’s network one more time.”

  “Okay.” I wearily accepted the network key’s small box from him and stepped into the virtual void.

  When Kane’s avatar popped into existence beside me, pain knifed into my chest at the sight of the combat body armour protecting him. He gave me an expressionless nod, and we turned to march down the virtual corridor to the file repository.

  “Aydan!” Spider’s voice was full of alarm. “You’re bleeding!”

  “No, it’s okay,” I reassured him, quickly banishing the crimson stain that soaked my virtual shirt. Right over my heart.

  Damn sims, anyway.

  I sighed and started decrypting.

  “Are we done yet?” I begged.

  “Just one more,” Spider reassured me. “Why don’t you come out now and get some lunch? You can do that last one after you get back.”

  I blew out a long breath. “Thanks, Spider.”

  Kane trailed me to the portal in silence, and I held back another sigh. I wasn’t sure whether the chill emanating from his avatar was a product of his mind or mine, and I shivered miserably.

  Returning my consciousness to my physical body was worse than usual. Fatigue and stress always amplified the pain, and I had both in spades. It hurt too much to even swear, and I battered my skull against the back of the couch, writhing and keening until Kane’s familiar warm grip immobilized my head. The touch of those hands made tears spring to my eyes, and my knees drew up to curl helplessly around the stab of loss in my gut.

  Gradually the pain abated, and I mumbled, “Thanks, I’m okay,” keeping my eyes closed so I wouldn’t have to face his detached expression. The grip around my head released, and I folded over to massage my temples, blinking away the moisture in my eyes.

  “Aydan, are you okay?” Spider’s concerned voice made me uncurl to nod, squinting my eyes open.

  “Fine.” My voice was a dry croak.

  Smith bent to examine me from close range, and I recoiled from his stench before I could stop myself.

  He held out a hand. “Let me help you. And let me take you to lunch.”

  I blinked slowly, resisting the urge to stick a finger in my ear and wiggle it around. Either I’d heard wrong, or I was having a truly bizarre hallucination.

  Why the hell would Smith suddenly want to spend time with me? I didn’t regret kicking his nuts up to his necktie after he’d attacked me in March, and I seriously doubted he’d forgiven me.

  I was gaping dumbly at his bland face and food-stained shirt when Honey turned to Kane, her beautiful blue eyes drinking him in. “And I’d like to take you to lunch, too,” she said.

  “Thank you, that sounds nice,” Kane agreed, and they turned for the door, his fingertips grazing the small of her back as he gestured her in front of him.

  I drew a deep breath to dispel the ache in my chest. Good. Maybe he’d decided to take my advice and give it a try with Jack. I took Smith’s outstretched hand and hauled myself up.

  What the hell. The sooner I dealt with him, the better. It wasn’t like my day could get any worse.

  I was regretting my decision seconds after I got into his car. The car was surprisingly clean, but in close quarters his smell was almost overpowering.

  Our trip to the cafe was a silent one. I didn’t give a rat’s ass about making conversation. I didn’t give a rotting rat’s ass about whether he liked me, and I especially didn’t give a stinking, syphilitic rat’s ass about whether he was enjoying himself.

  As soon as he tried to speak, I pleaded an excruciating headache and told him I needed some silence. When he tried a second time, I reached for the door handle, fully prepared to fling myself out of the car whether it was moving or not. That shut him up.

  Standing in the lineup waiting to order, I summoned up a semblance of manners and made an attempt at conversation, only to discover I hadn’t missed much. Smith had all the personality of a lard sandwich on white bread.

  When my food was ready, I carried my tray over to my usual table in the corner and slid into my favourite chair, my back to the wall. I didn’t wait for Smith to arrive with his food before I tore into my chipotle chicken wrap.

  I swallowed my pangs of guilt along with the first few delicious mouthfuls. I knew I was being a bag, but I wanted him to have a shitty time with me right off the bat so I wouldn’t have to deal with any uncomfortable conversations later. Just call it a failure and move on.

  And do not look at Kane and Honey deep in conversation in the opposite corner. What pissy, vindictive bitch of fate had decreed they’d come here, too?

  Smith dropped into the chair across from me, eyeing my bulging cheeks.

  “Better?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” I mumbled, embarrassed at my own rudeness in spite of myself. “Sorry, I was starved.”

  “It’s all right.” He leaned forward, giving me that intense gaze again, and I resisted the urge to straighten out of my hunched position to get farther away from him.

  His eyes darted sideways as if assessing the room before he leaned still closer to whisper. “Has Robert contacted you?”

  This time I did pull away. Jeez, buddy, get the hell out of my face.

  I swallowed my mouthful. “Robert who?”

  “Shhh! Keep your voice down,” he hissed. “Robert. Your husband.”

  He was lucky I’d swallowed that last bite, or he’d have gotten a prime view of all its masticated glory inside my gaping cakehole.

  I closed my mouth and summoned up my wits. “My husband has been dead for nearly three years.”

  “No, he faked his death,” Smith argued.

  I co
uldn’t prevent an involuntary glance in Kane’s direction. No matter how much he might hate me at the moment, I was pretty sure duty would force him to protect me if Smith went off the deep end. Farther off the deep end.

  “I did CPR on him myself,” I told him, holding my voice steady. “The paramedics did CPR all the way to the hospital. They tried to resuscitate him in Emergency. Trust me, he’s dead.”

  My throat tightened at the memory of Robert’s body, horribly lax under my hands. He had been so healthy, so fit. We had tried so hard to save him. We hadn’t known at the time that Kane’s undetectable drug had made all our efforts futile.

  Smith leaned closer still, his eyes full of the fiery passion of a zealot. “Did you actually see them dispose of his body? Did you actually go into the crematorium and watch?”

  “Of course not.” God, what a creep. “Look, I have to go. I’ll walk back to the office.”

  His hand shot out to clamp around my wrist. I was just about to spring to my feet and yell when his whisper froze me in my chair.

  “He just contacted me… Tiger Lily.”

  Chapter 19

  Every molecule of air whooshed out of my lungs and I sat paralyzed, the thumping of my heart shaking my entire body.

  How could this total stranger, this objectionable, smelly misfit… How could he know Robert’s pet name for me? Robert never, ever called me that in public. Only in the privacy of our bed, kissing and cuddling and…

  “Is there a problem here?” Kane loomed over the table, his hard gaze on Smith, who let go of my wrist as if my skin had suddenly sprouted needles.

  I resumed breathing with an audible wheeze. “N… no. No problem…”

  “Aydan, are you all right?” Kane stooped to look into my face. “You’re white as paper.”

  “I…”

  A ghastly thought jerked my already-twisting guts into hard knots. Kane had been ordered to kill Robert… thought he had killed him. If Kane found out Robert was still alive, he’d do a better job the second time.

  I’d lose my husband all over again.