Broken by Desire

by Dani René

  I didn’t want to leave him, but he said he had to let me go. My heart hurt so much. He was my life. For the short time we spent together I fell hard, deep. My every breath is his. I had no idea what would happen between us. Could we get through this? He forced me away. I wanted to stay with him. There was so much we have been through. Although I haven’t told him my past yet. Maybe then he wouldn’t want anything to do with me anyway. I want him, even after what his past held, I loved him.

  “Cass?” I twist to see Kenna standing in the doorway. “Jesus, Cass. What are you doing? You need to snap out of it.” I shake my head. This is where I should be; I need to figure this out on my own. I didn’t want to snap out of it. She’s been putting up with me all week, I wanted to explain everything to her, but how? How was I supposed to tell her what I had learned about the man I loved? She wouldn’t judge him and she would support whatever I decided. I didn’t want to think about it right now.

  “I don’t know.” My voice cracked. My body shivering now.

  “Get out of the shower,” Kenna pulled a towel from the rail and held it up for me. I hauled myself up from the corner of the shower and noticed my hands had now wrinkled. Once I turn off the water, I slide open the shower door and grab the towel. My body is trembling, I wrap it around me to keep warm, but the chill remains in my heart. There isn’t anything that would warm me up from this. My bones were cold, and nothing I did could ever take that away. Unless I was in his arms. Kenna pulled me into a hug and held me as the tears flowed. That’s why we were best friends. No words needed to be exchanged between us. She knew when to be there and when to leave me alone. “Come,” tugging me into the bedroom, she sat me on the bed and turned on my radiator. Even though it was sweltering outside.

  I watch her rifle through my cupboard, pulling out a pair of yoga pants and a tank top from my drawers, she handed them to me. She found a grey hoodie in my closet, which she laid on the bed and helped me get dressed. We didn’t speak about what happened. It’s been almost a week. I didn’t tell her anything, and I realized she was worried, but I couldn’t form words, let alone sentences.

  I had to say something, so I swallowed and found the strength inside me. My heart was broken; shattered into fragments of the life I had with him. There are moments where I thought there was a massive hole inside me.

  “He told me to leave.” My throat ached. My heart hurt. The pain is visceral as well as a mental one. Her eyes found mine, and she offered me a melancholy smile. I saw the pain in her eyes. She realized I was hurting, and that meant that she hurt too.

  “Let’s get a drink?” I nodded. We shuffled into the living room and I sagged into the sofa. Kenna poured two shots of amber liquid into tumblers and sat next to me. She passed me a glass, and I sipped it. The whiskey burned my throat and chest as it made its way into my system.

  “You don’t have to explain what happened. I am here if you want to talk. We can just relax in silence and drink.” I nodded again. I swallowed my whiskey. “Another?” I passed her my glass without a word. Bless her, I don’t think I could be here alone. We sat like that for a long time. “Do you want music?” I shook my head. I suppose it’s like living with someone who couldn’t talk. Some sort of language that only me and her understood. The last time she saw me like this was a long time ago, at least, that’s what it felt like. I use to sit in a corner, quiet, numb. Dead to the world.

  I am not sure when she put me to bed that night, but I remember dreaming of him. Those green eyes that haunted me since the first day I saw them. That perfect smile. Those incredible dimples and his beautiful body. It was only when I learned and stole his heart that I knew he was the missing puzzle piece to my life. I guess I will always be the uncompleted picture.

  Lucien

  My alarm pulls me from a deep sleep. It’s Thursday morning, the light was too fucking bright and my hangover told me that in the worst possible way. There was no way I would make it into the office now. The events of Sunday night played in my head, over and over again. Cassie walking out the door. The love shining in her eyes for me. You let her go! This is on you, Verán.

  What the fuck was I supposed to do? Have her love the monster? She deserves better. There is someone out there that would care for her, someone that didn’t kill his own baby. It didn’t matter that I didn’t know about it until after, it was still my fault. I scrub my hands over my face and feel the three-day old stubble scratching my palm. I grab my phone and call Jayce.

  He doesn’t even greet me, and I don’t blame him. I have left him with the shit to deal with at the office. “Dude, where are you? We have a meeting in fifteen minutes?”

  “I am not going to be in. Just tell them what we planned and take notes.” My voice is gravelly and my throat is burning. Serves me right for finishing a bottle of whiskey. Or two, I can’t remember. The banging in my head makes me think it might have been two.

  “Jesus, Luke, you need to get a fucking grip. You have a company to run.”

  “Cassie left! Well, I told her to leave. I can’t get a fucking grip!” I hear his sharp intake of breath and I realize how that sounds. He must know I told her the truth. I haven’t spoken to him about why I haven’t been in the office for three days, but I had to call him this morning because we had a meeting.

  “She knows.” It wasn’t a question, but I nodded anyway. “Why did you tell her to leave?”

  I shut my eyes; the throb in my head is driving me insane. This pain needs to leave me, but I did this. “She… Fuck, Jayce, she still looked at me with love in her eyes. After what I did.”

  “And the problem with that is? She fucking loves you man! Don’t be a dick!” I know he’s right, but I can’t bring myself to call her. I need to give her space. Swinging my feet over the bed, I make my way to the kitchen and find painkillers in the cupboard. Turning on the coffee machine, I listen to him admonish me. I need this.

  “I have to be a dick, she deserves better.”

  “She deserves you! Let’s put it this way if she were with another man, how would you feel?” My heart tightens in my chest and I am sure that I am going to have a heart attack.

  “I would want her to be happy.” The words are strained and I know Jayce can hear it.

  “Bullshit! You would fucking lose it.” He’s right. I know he is, but I can’t do anything yet. She needs a few days. I will give her until Friday.

  “I would. She needs time to process though. Friday, I will talk to her. Make this right. Okay?” He’s silent for such a long time, I think he has hung up on me and my stupidity.

  “Friday. I will cover for you. She needs you to love her, so get out of the fucking bed and shave. And for god’s sake, shower! If you’re not here with her tomorrow, I will find her and bring her to you myself.”

  I nod, realizing he can’t see me, I reply with a low voice. “Thanks Jay.” I hang up walk through to the living room. My apartment feels empty without her here. The silence is deafening. Turning on the speakers, I flop onto the sofa. The music plays loudly through the surround sound. It feels like every fucking song is about her. I feel like punching something. I walk back to the kitchen and pour a large mug of coffee. Back in the living room, I flop onto the sofa and power on my laptop. As my emails download, I stare at the screen, my mind is elsewhere, it’s with Cassie. Shaking it off, I grab my phone.

  “Mr. Verán’s office, how can I help you?” Stacy’s voice grates my nerves and my headache is suddenly worse.

  “Stacy, I will not be in today. Please reschedule all my meetings and clear my diary for today and tomorrow? I will be back tomorrow, but there’s something important I need to focus on, so I don’t want any interruptions.”

  “Mr. Verán, I—” I don’t need you answering me back, other than saying yes!

  “Stacy, is that understood?” My voice is cold and harsh, but I don’t care.

  “Yes, sir.” Hanging up, I close my laptop and turn my phone off. I am not expecting a call from her, so there’s no point ha
ving it on. I sit back and close my eyes. The coffee slowly easing the pounding of my headache. My hangover releasing me from the ache. I wish it were that simple to ease the ache in my chest. This girl owns me. When I think about that smile, I know she possesses me, more than I care to let on. Now I know, there is nothing I can do about it, but be with her.

  I need a plan for tomorrow, maybe I can have Robert collect her at her apartment and bring her to me. I can wait at the office. Would she think that’s cold? I want her to know that I miss her, but I can’t message her. Would she want flowers? Fuck, I am so deep I have no idea how to fix this. I told her to leave, I pushed her away. What if she doesn’t want me back?

  Chapter 16

  Lucien

  Friday morning, I wake up with a new idea in mind. I would do something about my broken heart. There was only one woman I wanted and needed, and today she will be mine. I didn’t give a fuck who approved or not. She wanted me even after what I told her, and today is the moment of truth. My plan was to talk to her, make her see I want her. Only one man can help with that, Robert. He would have to collect her and bring her to me. He answers on the first ring. “Mr. Verán.”

  “Robert, I need you to collect Cassie, bring her to the office. Be there by 08:30 am. I will wait at the office. Please escort her straight to the door.”

  “Yes, sir.” I can hear the smile in his voice and realize he’s happy for me. Since I have known him, he’s treated me like a son. Now that I am actually in love and fighting for the girl, I think deep down he’s proud of me. My choice of clothing is important, my charcoal Tom Ford suit, with a silver dress shirt is perfect. I am ready to sweep Cassie off her feet, and when she falls, it will be into my arms. The only place she belonged. This is it. Today is the day I get my girl back.

  I pull the Aston out of the drive and pull into the early morning traffic. My heart is racing as I drive to the office, leaving Robert with the SUV to pick Cassie up. To say I wasn’t nervous would be the understatement of the fucking year. I was shitting myself. She needed to take me back. There was something about this woman that had my balls in a vice and I didn’t mind at all.

  When I stepped into the office ten minutes later, every head turned to face me. I ignored them all and made my way to my office. “Mr. Verán, I have cleared your schedule for today, as instructed.” Stacy at my heels like a fucking puppy that kept hanging on.

  “Great. You can take the day off.” Without another word, I step into my office and shut the door. I doubt she would listen to me; she’s loyal to a fault. I sit back in my large black leather office chair and contemplate if Cassandra will actually show up.

  Robert has his instruction, now to send her a message. The first one for almost a week. It’s been killing me not contacting her, but she’s had enough space to think. Now it’s time to act.

  *Robert will collect you and bring you to me*

  I don’t wait long for her reply.

  *Okay*

  No argument, just one word. Good girl. I face the large windows and take in the view. The West Coast has always been my favorite place, now more than ever, because I have Cassie. Well. Not yet. Soon. I will not take no for an answer; she will take me back. I can’t lose her. Although my heart is hammering so hard like it’s about to break out of my chest. I take a deep calming breath.

  The knock at the door startles me and I check the time. It can’t be her already. Can it? “Mr. Verán, I have your coffee.” Stacy steps into my office, placing the cup on my desk; she gives me a small smile and practically runs out again. Perhaps I am too hard on her.

  Today will be a test for both Cassie and me. And I can’t wait to see how well she passes it. I slip into the office chair and drink my coffee. It’s not long now, and the anticipation is killing me.

  Cassandra

  I roll over and open my eyes. It was too bright, and I wasn’t sure what day it was. Shit! Friday! I scrambled out of bed and picked up my phone from the nightstand. My heart stopped racing. It was only 7 am. I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I looked like shit, but I felt like it too. “You’re up early.” I turned to face Kenna in the doorway.

  “I need to get to work.” Today I would take the proverbial bull by the horns and make him accept that I wanted him. I was tired of moping around like a heartbroken teenager.

  “Are you sure you want to go to him?” Nope! I didn’t want to see him. Yes! I did! I did want to look into those green eyes and make him listen to me. Make him see how ingrained in my heart he was. That was all the more reason to go to work. So we could talk and figure out what was going on. My plan was to walk into his office and tell him to get over the fact that he has a past because I have one too. I love him. Why can’t he see that?

  Back in the bedroom, I opened my closet. There was one dress I had a feeling would make this easier. Lucien has never seen me wear it, but today, he will. It was a sleeveless mid-thigh fire engine red dress. It had a zipper in the front which stopped between my breasts. I wore a black lace corset underneath and had some of the lace peeking out. My black pumps were perfect, so I slipped those on. Now I was ready to take him on. I left my curls loose down my back. Then I applied a small amount of mascara and some black eyeliner, which finished off a smoky look. Soft pink lip-gloss completed it.

  “Are you trying to get him back or kill him?” Kenna giggled when she brought me coffee moments later.

  “A little of both I think.” I spin around, taking in my appearance in the full-length mirror. Yes! This is it! Kenna handed me the cup with a smile on her face. For the first time since Sunday when he told me to leave, I smiled. “I think I am ready. No, I am!” She smiles and nods.

  “Good luck babe, I really fucking hope he has his head screwed on right!” My phone buzzes and I frown. There is only one person that would text me this early. My hand is trembling as I pick up my phone from the nightstand, I swipe the screen. A message from Lucien. My heart leaps into my throat.

  *Robert will collect you and bring you to me*

  “What?” Kenna peeks over my shoulder. “Oh! Well, I hope he wants to sort things out.” I shrug. The text seems cold, not like the Lucien I fell in love with. Unless he’s just trying to gauge my reaction and response. I hit reply.

  *Okay*

  As soon as I finish my coffee the doorbell rings. That must be Robert. “Bye babe, I will call you later.” I hug Kenna. With my hand on the doorknob, I take a deep breath and open it. The SUV is waiting on the sidewalk.

  “Message me and fill me in on what happens.” I nod and walk to the car.

  “Robert,” I smile.

  “Ms. Winters,” he opens the door and I am half expecting Lucien to be sitting in the bench seat. When I find it empty my heart plummets.

  “Where is he, Robert?” I ask as soon as he slides into the front of the car.

  “He’s at the office. I am supposed to escort you there.” He smiles in the rear-view mirror. Checking my phone again, I read and re-read his message. I dissect the message trying to find a clue as to what mood he would be in. What do I do if he wants nothing to do with us anymore? I mean, why would he? Unless he found out something about my past? Shit! I should have told him myself. If he learns the truth, he wouldn’t push me away. Maybe that would make him realize how perfect we are together. Two broken souls, healing each other through the dark. My Lumiére! His words repeat in my mind. Can I show him that I can be his light? If not, I am not sure I can go on working there, knowing we can never be.

  Robert pulls into the garage of Verán Publishers and we take the elevators up. “Is he… I mean…” I glance at Robert; he will know why Lucien wants me to come to him.

  “Ms. Winters, all I can say is, breathe.” He offers a smile and I nod. That doesn’t really help my apprehension. This is the man I love, the other half of me. We step out of the elevator on the top floor of the high-rise building. We walk to the outside of Lucien’s office door, then Robert turns to me.

  “This is where I leave you, M
s. Winters,” Robert gives me a small nod and walks back to the elevators. I am standing outside Lucien’s office door and suddenly unsure. Do I want to go in there? I knock, waiting for an answer. The realization of what is about to happen has my hand trembling. Calm down Cassie, you can do this. It’s will be okay! I just need to convince him we’re meant to be. Easy as pie!

  Lucien

  By the time the knock comes, I have finished my coffee and I am wringing my hands. I straighten up. I need to play it as cool as I can. Not wanting to scare her off. Robert texted me to tell me she was on the way. This was it. Show time.

  “Come in.” My voice is low, but she would have heard it. Was I too abrupt? Shit, did she think I am angry? I watch the doorknob turn and my heart races, pounding against my ribcage. When she steps inside, her eyes flicker all over the office, but not on me. When my eyes land on her though, I grip the edge of the desk so hard my knuckles turn white. Jesus fucking Christ! That body is incredible! She’s dressed in the sexiest dress I have ever seen. It’s hugging every soft curve of her body and I am instantly rock hard. She closes the door and takes in her surroundings. She’s never been in my office and I realize she’s trying to get a feel of my mood. I can read her like an open book.

  My eyes rake over her appearance, from those black pumps, up to her eyes. I can’t help letting out a strained groan. The need to bend her over my desk and fuck her into next week is strong. That’s what seeing her in that dress is doing to me. It’s a primal feeling that’s completely taken over my brain function.