Broken by Desire

by Dani René

  “Cassie! Where the fuck did you go?” He steps towards me and I can see Lucien is fuming. The anger vibrates off him. He pulls me towards him and I feel like a doll being pushed and pulled.

  “I needed air, Lucien. I wasn’t expecting a goddamn surprise like that.” I gesture to the ballroom.

  “Let me guess, Jayce was there to pick up the pieces?” He shoots daggers at Jayce who is standing beside me. This is fucking ridiculous he needs to get over himself.

  “Actually Jay was the one who told me you love me and I shouldn’t let it upset me,” I say matter-of-factly. I challenge him to say something more as I shoot a glare at him. We stand quietly for a few moments before Lucien extends a hand to Jayce and they shake on it. I let out a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding.

  “I am taking you home.” He pulls me along behind him and we make our way out the back to the waiting limo.

  Chapter 15

  Lucien

  I pull Cassie behind me. We leave through the back door to avoid the paparazzi I realize will be there. As soon as we get to the alley, Robert is waiting as instructed. He opens the door for Cassie and she slips inside. “Drive till I tell you to take us home.” I decided to tell her the truth tonight, but before I do it, I want to spend time with her before she knows who I really am. He gives me a small nod. I slip in next to Cassie and Robert closes the door. I can be honest with her here, the partition between the seating and the driver’s section is up and Robert can’t hear us.

  The air in the car is filled with tension, not anger. We sit quietly for a few moments and I lace my fingers with hers. Cassie doesn’t meet my gaze. She’s looking out the window. This is not going well. Why can she make me feel like such an asshole by not saying a word? Because you are an asshole, you should have told her. Not blindsided her. I pull off my tie. It feels like a noose, ready to hang myself with. Perhaps it would be easier that way. Jesus, Lucien, get a grip. She’s still here, just give her the honesty she deserves. “Cassie, baby, we need to talk, but can you look at me?” She turns to me and I notice the tears shimmering in her beautiful chocolate eyes.

  I lean in and seal her mouth with a kiss. The urgency of our kiss is heated, her tongue fighting mine for dominance. She’s never done that before and it disarms me. I thought she was angry, but the kiss tells me otherwise. Her hand trails up my thigh, she rubs my rock hard erection and I can’t help groaning into the kiss. When she pulls away, I think she will tell me to take her home.

  She shocks me by straddling my lap. She lifts her dress to her hips, moving back and forth, rubbing her heated core on my crotch. “Cassie…” I moan her name. The need to be inside her is tearing me apart. I am close to ripping her dress off and slamming inside her when she gives me a little smile.

  “Fuck me, Lucien.” Her voice is husky, and her eyes are flickering with need. I hesitate. “Please.” She’s begging me now and my restraint falters. Holy shit, I need her.

  I reach between us, and unzip my pants, pulling out my cock. Her hand falls between us and she fists my hardness. My hand reaches between her spread thighs, and I tug the tiny piece of material from her and she positions herself over me. With a painfully slow movement, she slides down on me. She sheaths me to the hilt and I have to breathe to keep myself from coming too soon. Fuck, her pussy is amazing. “Cassie, you feel so fucking good. I will not last long.” She giggles and moves her hips, back and forth. My head drops back and I grip her hips hard.

  “Luke!” She cries out and moves faster. Her release is close; those luscious hips are moving faster. Not being able to control myself, I lift my hips, and slam into her, deepening our connection. Her hands on my shoulders tighten, her slick pussy clenches around me and she pulls my release from me with hers. I empty into her, she shudders and milks every drop from me. Her eyes meet mine. “I am ready to go home now.” Her smile is bright and all I can do is nod.

  I press the button in the panel above us and instruct Robert to take us back to the penthouse. Cassie sits back in the seat next to me. We sit in silence as Robert pulls up to the apartment a few minutes later. As soon as we’re inside, Cassie walks up the stairs. I decide to give her space and pour myself a drink. The apartment is quiet, and I sit on the sofa. I need to be ready to tell her everything tonight. She may be gone tomorrow, but I have to tell her. No more lies. No more secrets. Absolute honesty.

  I glance up as she walks into the living room and sits next to me. That’s a good sign right? When I look at her my anger about Jayce surfaces, I realize this is a bad time, but I can’t help myself. He will steal her from me and there’s nothing I can do about it. “What Cassie? I am not apologizing for freaking out about Jayce.”

  “I didn’t ask you to.” She twists her fingers in the material of her sweatpants.

  “Then what would you like me to say?”

  Then comes the question I have been waiting for. “You need to tell me about this charity and why you’re running it with her.” The charity. Of course, she wants to know about it. The fear grips my heart, the fear that she will get up, take her bag and walk out as soon as I am finished. I stand, walking into the kitchen; I grab glasses and a bottle of wine. Once the bottle is open, I join her in the living room.

  “Cassie—” I glance at her, but before I can continue, she cuts me off.

  “Please?” I sit down, staring at her.

  Cassandra

  I lean forward and place my hand on his. I need him to open up and trust me with this. There is nothing that would tear me away from him. I try to communicate the love I have for him with a glance. The emotion between us is sizzling. I watch him close his eyes, the indecision crossing over his face. It couldn’t be that bad. Why would he be so against telling me something? I mean we love each other? Nothing could change that. There isn’t anything that can stop the love I have for him.

  Lucien pours a glass of wine for each of us. I take a sip from mine, my eyes never leaving his handsome face. Events in life bring you to the place you were always destined to be, they also bring you to the person you’re meant to be with. This is where I am supposed to be. Next to him. With Lucien Verán, my soul mate, my protector and the man that I want to spend my life with. The realization hits me, like a freight train, but I take a deep breath and calm my racing heart. He is terrified. I can see it in his eyes. Although, I realize that if I was in his position, I would be too. If we want to move forward I need to hear this.

  He turns and faces me, a small smile on his lips, although it doesn’t reach his eyes. The tension rolling off him in waves has my own body trembling. “After I tell you this. If you want to leave I can have Robert take you.” I nod. With a gulp of wine, I close my eyes to calm the tension. “I am serious Cassandra, there is nothing holding you here. I do love you, but I understand if this is too much. If what I am about to tell you freaks you out. You can leave. I will let you go.” My heart constricts and my chest tightens painfully at the thought of leaving him. Why would he think I would leave? When you love someone, you’re in it for the good and the bad. “Lucien, I am not leaving, so just tell me.” My voice is final, and he nods.

  “I was young, about 21 when it started. My actions were idiotic. Stupidity reigned, but I didn’t care. There were parties every weekend. Since I had the money, it was impossible to resist. That sounds like I am a spoilt brat, and I guess I was. Still am. Anyway, my father and step-mother never really cared what I did. As long as I didn’t end up in the papers. Claudia Verán is my stepmother. My father married her a year after my birth mother left. I was eleven, and I grew up with her taking over as my mother, but that’s not what she was. As a teenager, I rebelled by doing stupid things, being suspended from school for smoking, drinking, whatever, to get my father’s attention. He spent so much time at work; all I wanted was him to see that I was hurting too. He still took me traveling, we would spend time away from Claudia, but I still missed him.” He gulped his wine and continued to stare at the glass instead of meeting my eyes. I shivere
d at his recollection of his younger years.

  “Claudia turned into the evil step mother that you see in movies. Like I said at first she didn’t really care what I did. Then when I turned 20 she started telling me what to do, who to see. She used to bring these girls for me to meet. One’s that she approves of. I spent most of my time out, avoiding her and her disapproving sneer. I was either at Jayce’s place or whatever girl I was fucking at the time.” His harsh words cause me to wince, but I didn’t dare interrupt him. “When I was 25, I met Sasha. We were at some industry party. She was 22, a model working for my dad. We were both drunk, stoned, high, whatever.” I sat silently watching him. At the mention of her name, my heart drops, and I have to take a large gulp of the wine he poured me. I realized she would come up, but it didn’t prepare me for the ache in my chest at the mention of her name.

  His hands were visibly shaking. “Claudia would set me up on these dates with girls, even though she heard I was dating Sasha. At the time, she didn’t approve of Sasha, because she was a model. Claudia said that she was a bad influence on me. The only way I knew how to get through the dates was to get high. I would take whatever was on offer.” He drained his glass and picked up the bottle from the table and poured a refill. “The girls, of course, were eager for me to take them home. Which I did. I didn’t care. I would tie them up. Blindfold them. I started with spanking. Whipping. Caning. Anything to get my anger out. I took it out on them, some of them came back, and some didn’t. When I did see Sasha, I was so angry that I would be rougher with her than any of the other girls. I guess she loved me. My mind was so fucked up at the time, I thought I loved her, but I didn’t. I used her.”

  He glanced at me quickly. “There was something about her that made me hate being with her, but I kept going back. Being dominant appealed to me. So I found a club, a place where I could learn. That’s when I met a few people, most importantly, a tutor. He taught me a lot, he was like a mentor I guess. It was the first time I was in control when I was dominating them. The scenes were mine, they would do anything I wanted. Finally, I fit in, somewhere. Sasha would go with me. She did it because she wanted to be with me. I knew she wanted a ring, my family name. That was something I could never give her. Until…” His eyes close suddenly, like he was blinking back a memory.

  He stops and I can’t imagine what’s next. My body is vibrating with fear, anger, and frustration. Angry that Claudia put him through this, fear of what he did, and frustration that he had to live through the agony that’s so clearly breaking him.

  Lucien

  I had the confidentiality agreement, but I didn’t ask Cassie to sign it. I trusted her with everything I had. Right now, all I want to do is get this out. This is killing me, I take a deep breath, and continue. “Sasha put up with it, she knew about the girls. Throughout that she stuck it out. Every weekend there were parties and drinking. The drugs were there too, and I started blacking out. After spending almost three years with her, she was the only one who knew. One night—” The words are strained and the lump in my throat chokes me as the words tumble from my mouth. The beginning is easier than the ending. That’s the part that will ruin us, break us and I doubt we will ever be able to be put back together. Broken by desire, my dark desire.

  I take a deep breath. “One night. I tied her up. Sasha. I don’t remember it. I…” I stop only to gulp my wine. Liquid courage, as they say.

  “Lucien…” Cassie breathes my name, reaching out for me. I shake my head and stand up. With my back to her, I look out of the window. I can’t bring myself to look at her, to see the pity on her face. To see the disgust in her eyes. All I can do is concentrate on the glass. I hear her sharp intake of breath and I am shocking her one revelation after the other. My mind filters back, to the only memory I have of the night my life changed forever.

  “Luke, come on baby, let’s play.” Sasha is giggling. As usual, she’s wearing nothing more than a small red pair of panties and a lace bra. She loved red, said it made her feel like the devil. After all the girls I had fucked, for some reason she always stayed. I could get pussy anywhere, a mention of my name and they would be queuing out the door. Tonight, I had taken a couple of those pills; the guy said the high is indescribable. After the half bottle of whiskey and the amount of the white powder I sniffed, I am on top of the world. This is fucking amazing. Sasha is standing in the bedroom with all the kink.

  “Fine, you want to play, we’ll fucking play.” My voice was a low growl. She was in for a fucking good night. I grabbed the rope and walked over to the bed. “Lay down, on your stomach.” Her eyes are wide with surprise, but she complies.

  “Yes, sir.” The breathy way she says the words has my cock thumping against the zipper of my jeans. My eyes rake over her on the bed. She’s so tiny, it would be easy to break her with my dick. I slap her ass hard, she cries out and now she knows I am not playing around tonight. I am so fucking sick of little bitches trying to get a ring from me. She’s no different.

  With a dark smile, I grab her wrists, and tie her up. Helpless and begging for my cock that’s how I like them. And that’s when it all went black…

  I sit up with a start. My heart is hammering, I glance around, I am sitting in the wingback chair. When I glance at the bed, Sasha is still there, tied up. Flying out of the chair, I call out to her, untying her ankles and wrists. She’s not answering me. Her eyes are closed. Is she sleeping? My heart is thudding in my chest. “Fuck! Fuck!” Shaking her doesn’t help either. What the fuck did I do?

  “I don’t remember anything else. I guess I was so rough with her, that I hurt her. She was unconscious. I panicked and called Jayce. He helped me. Told me what a fuck up I had become. He was right. I still hated him for being right though. It was only later that day after Sasha was in ICU that I learned that she was pregnant. She had lost the baby because of me.” My eyes finally fall on Cassie, she’s quiet and trembling. I don’t blame her. My heart is thudding against my chest and I am not sure what else to say. That’s it. My dark secret. The night that changed me. When I called Jayce that night. He helped me. I owe him everything I have, even though we don’t see eye to eye, I love him like a brother. Blood bound us together. Even after that night, the only time I feel in control is when I am in the play room, the only difference is that I no longer take any drugs. I don’t drink to get drunk anymore. Now more than ever I am in control. Cassandra needs to leave now. I can’t have her here anymore.

  “What?” Cassie’s voice is so small I almost miss her question.

  “She lost the baby.” I gulp down the last of my wine.

  “I…” Cassie sat speechless for a while. She can’t be around me right now. I need to let her go. She needs space to process this, and I didn’t want to influence her decision. I walk to the sofa and grab my phone. My decision to call Robert is the right thing to do. “I need you to take Ms. Winters back to her apartment. Now.” He was at the door within a few minutes.

  “Cassie, you should go.” My statement is harsh, and I didn’t meet her eyes. I couldn’t, there was too much that needed to be said. She knew I loved her, but there was nothing I could offer. She didn’t need a man who wanted to dominate her, she should have a man who can live in the light, not the dark. I never forgave myself for what I did that night. Even though I can’t remember what the fuck it was. I don’t remember how Sasha ended up unconscious, but I know I did it.

  “Lucien, I want to stay.”

  “No. Just get out. Go.” My voice was harsh, but there was no other choice. This was the right thing. For both of us. Mainly for the woman I love. Cassie got up without a word. I turned to look out the door of the balcony. To watch her leave would rip me apart. I glanced at her before she turned towards the door. She still had so much love in her eyes. How can she love a monster? “Goodbye.” The last word I said to her as she turned and walked out of my life. My heart felt like it was being burned at the stake, shattered. I didn’t know what I would do now. Breathing became impossible. I grabbed a
bottle of whiskey, a glass and sat on the floor at the window where I could see Robert pull the car into the street and drive off with my soul mate. Pouring a large shot of whiskey, I downed it at once and poured another. This was the only way I would get through losing her. The love of my life. A part of me is gone. Half my heart and soul; Cassie took it with her when she walked out the door.

  I forced her to leave I know that. A choice I had to make. To let her go, or to love a monster. So, I let her go. Even if in the process, it broke me more than I could have imagined. The pain in my chest was unlike anything I ever experienced. To lose someone, you care about is one thing, to let the one person who makes your very existence worth living, that is a completely different story.

  Cassandra

  The tears haven’t stopped. I am sitting on the floor of the shower. The water scalding my skin, but how else do I numb the pain inside my heart? It’s been roughly three days, at least that’s what I think it has been. This has become my daily ritual. Lucien hasn’t made contact since his confession. Robert dropped me at the apartment after Lucien told me everything on Sunday. I called in sick on Monday; I didn’t want to be near him. Even though I hoped he might call or message me to see where I had been, but nothing. Nothing on Tuesday, Wednesday and now it’s Thursday evening. I had wrapped my arms around my legs, curled under the warm spray of the shower. I thought maybe this would bring some clarity as to why Lucien would do what he did, but after three days, I am still clueless. This is how I spend my evenings, sitting in the shower, crying, the water washing my tears down the drain.