Can I Have It All

by Anuranjita Kumar

  I have come across both men and women who have been apprehensive about working with a woman manager. In my various roles, I sensed that there were prevailing mis-perceptions about how women managers were not always pragmatic or tough in their decision making….whilst others felt they were control freaks … at other times, a few groups thought women managers were emotional and not objective. Was this driven by deep seated biases or was this real?

  In one instance, one of my close associates, Reema* had a male subordinate who, in his limited view and interactions, decided that she was no good! This probably was driven by what values he grew up with and his views about a woman’s capabilities in general. As a result, he would constantly skip her and go for all key decisions or activities to her manager, who had a similar mindset and connected with him. Reema felt sandwiched between these two layers and it started impacting her relationship with other team members who were beginning to lose respect for her and were talking and watching this interaction. Reema’s role was gradually becoming ineffective and her ability to cater to her clients was getting impacted adversely. She felt neglected and humiliated. She tried to be amicable at first and engaged in constructive discussion without much headway. However, in spite of her repeated discussions and inclusive style, the colleague’s behaviour did not improve. Possibly, Reema’s inclusive style was seen as a sign of weakness, aggravated by her manager’s lack of efforts to correct/advise the colleague of appropriate behaviour.

  Reema was truly stressed. As the situation got worse, she reflected upon the situation and decided that it was time to take charge and garner support. So she reached out to a seasoned professional she knew, in one of the other teams and explained the situation to him constructively. He heard her objectively, empathised with the issues and advised her to take the appropriate firm action that an effective manager should do in such a case. Reema needed someone to push her on this path. Unlike her usual modus operandi of reaching out, discussing and getting to an agreement, she decided to flex her style and confront her team member on his conduct in a straightforward way. But he did not take Reema seriously and tried to justify his behaviour without being open to understanding the feedback. He insisted that his actions were based on departmental practices and he was leveraging her manager as a mentor and not intentionally skipping her. This was not entirely correct as many times he would execute work priorities without keeping Reema in the loop. Hence a formal performance discussion ensued with a polite, but direct admonition for his behaviour. Concurrently, Reema also had a polite yet firm discussion with her manager and requested him to let her deal with the situation in her way. She had to explain to her manager that a ‘not-so-happy team issue’ at hand also reflects poorly on him as a leader and he should let her manage it. He backed off and gave her the space to manoeuvre.

  The employee was not happy with the confrontation but understood the seriousness of Reema’s tone and demeanour. Over a period of time, the relationship changed from negative to neutral and they continued to work together for a year till he moved to another role. Reema stood her own in the right way and earned the credibility of her leadership style with her team. She drew a line on what she thought was inappropriate and defined what liberties were permitted with her as a manager. That set the tone right!

  As women, we often get constrained by our need to be inclusive and avoid being confrontational. It is important to make an objective read of the situation and take on issues appropriately but directly. I have learnt that the courage to deal with such issues only grows from one experience to the next! Conflict management is part of growing up and so long as you have the right intent, coupled with the courage to take the situation head-on, you will find a resolution. It creates some discomfort initially but your conviction will provide you the courage to deal with it.

  TAKE SOME RISKS

  We all wish to grow meaningfully in our professional careers. However, the definition of growth may vary from one individual to another. For some people, growth comes from changing jobs, new experiences, and for some it means changing geography. For others it may mean moving up the corporate ladder.

  So, what is growth? It is essentially an enhancement in responsibilities, be it revenues, team size, products, span of control and so on. I believe growth is not just about chasing titles or levels blindly. Many times, I have witnessed that people chase their next level, designation or grade as defined in the company ladder. Is this real growth or an elevation of status? Having observed practices across the workplace, I think the distinction between of levels in the ladder/designation and real responsibilities is important and critical to understand. A real role will provide the appropriate exposure, experience and education important to propel a career forward whereas a change in level or deignation may get some monetary benefit but no learning. Change in roles implies taking risks and bets on yourself as it can put you out of your comfort zone.

  I think it is very important to be clear about what growth means for you. Have the courage to stand out with your learnings! Have the courage to take a few risks and do different things at work!

  I have taken some risks with different roles and geographies, which were a part of my growth and continuous learning. I made mistakes, I learnt, and I grew. Some risks work out and some may not, but there is learning in negative experiences as well. Whoever achieved greatness by playing it safe! This philosophy will keep you going, more so in the moment when you question your decision to stay on at work. As J.K. Rowling has beautifully summed up, ‘It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default.’

  Whilst I was working in one of my regional roles earlier in my career, one of the seniors requested me to work on a critical HR technology project that had a lot of investment riding on it. This was in the year 2000. I truly had no real insights into technology then and had not been engaged with a development project like this one… I was simply a regular user of emails and internet! However intuitively, it seemed exciting and I decided to explore it. Am so glad I did this…. It was an experience wherein I chartered unknown territories, acquired some key, futuristic skill sets of understanding the nuts and bolts of technology. It was hard work, time consuming….I stumbled a few times, made mistakes, but did learn a lot. The risk and rewards paid off not just for the project I undertook, but the experience also played a critical role in my future assignments, making me much more tech savvy.

  It may not always be easy to navigate between taking risks and taking charge, especially for women given how they are socialised. Some of this may not come naturally at work …. Trust yourselves, reach out to people, trust your mentors, let go off your inhibitions and perceptions of the past. To move ahead on an unchartered territory and taking a few bets is the key to building your experience, especially for leadership roles. Early bets in life will also help you measure your options of opportunities and provide you with skills. Am grateful that this has worked for me. I too have had failures, projects gone wrong, strategy not executed well. In such circumstances, keeping oneself honest, reviewing gaps and improvising helped. I have had to let go of my negative energy while taking these chances and have had to ensure that I move ahead with the positive outlook and a clear vision of what I wanted. That helped me focus on my efforts, strategies and plans towards achieving the goal. This also ensures no scope for self-doubt.

  COURAGE TO STEP UP WILL HELP YOU THINK LONG-TERM

  To keep ourselves relevant in the long run, it is imperative to focus on the quliaty of the role. A common theme I have observed is that most women focus on the long-term interest of their family, their teams, colleagues and friends. However, they seem to forget about their own interests when it comes to their long-term career. Social upbringing helps us focus on the larger family picture around us, but does not encourage us to think about ourselves “selfishly”. The reason I say this is, if women are serious about career and safeguard t
heir own interests at work and at home, a lot gets taken care of for the surrounding environment and the people who matter to us as they are fulfilled more holistically. At work, I often find professional women struggle in resolving issues of work-home balance. Hence any job that helps one to manoeuvre efficiently between the two in that moment becomes a preferred option. I am not implying that this strategy is inappropriate as these choices are personal. All I am trying to highlight is the long-term impact of this, if women aspire for a leadership role later.

  A courageous mindset is the key to keep pushing along, against odds. Try to be creative with your work schedules and approach. I have seen successful women leaders go through some short-term hardships, which were tough but not impassable. In case of care-giving, they often tend to make a work-support system with extended family, friends and husband share the role of the care-giver as they simultaneously stretch their professional goals and take up work challenges. Many a time when I went through tough times at home with children being unwell or something similar, I would work from home or have one of my family members be with us, depending on the situation. Sometimes, in the short term, a project would suffer but I would compensate for it by working harder and smarter the next week. Often, you can push the system to measure you on output and not necessarily on how and where it was done. But in this situation, if a woman was to deny herself the project or the role that is a bit demanding, she will be denying herself growth. The reality is that children fall ill, parents do become unwell, and your husband will be busy with work, but if your work is also one of your focus areas as well, push yourself to find the right support system at home. And remember, this problem is not unique to you; we all face this in our lives. You have to be emotionally determined, physically strong and creative enough to manage these issues. It takes courage to keep pursuing your dream, while making the canvas of your dreams wider and wider.

  In my experience, the more you focus on stepping up for your aspirations, it becomes clearer for you to steer yourself through your current role as well. Often the work objectives and your efforts start yielding success, positioning you for your next role. To me, this has been a critical component of how I planned my career. A slightly mid-to-long term perspective helped me tide over the short-term problems at home or at work, kept me focused on the skills and experience I needed for the future, and kept me going to make connections, watch the environment and flex myself towards the objective I was focused on.

  This mindset has helped me anticipate and manage competition for a growth opportunity or a promotion and egged on my energy to keep going. I took an assignment in New York to gain exposure for my next few roles. In this role, I learnt about the various global processes, personalities and peculiarities. While I experienced all the global nuances of working in the headquarters, I also planned a move back to an Indian assignment in the HR advisor space, within twelve months. My global exposure in New York and Singapore ensured that I got a strong consideration for the role back home as “Global” India was starting to emerge. When the role opened up in India, I applied, was interviewed for it, and secured it on the basis of my relevant prior experience.

  As women, we should not underestimate ourselves or step away from challenges when faced with dilemmas. Whether it is about negotiating challenging assignments, taking on mobility, or gaining exposure at work that pushes the boundaries, it is all up to us.

  UNCONCIOUS BIASES…TESTING THE BOUNDARIES…QUITE LITERALLY!

  You grow up being taught that God created us as equals. However, it sometimes seems that it is we who set the boundaries by defining the norms, practices, etiquette and style for each gender. During my professional journey, there have been a few times where my patience, learning, flexibility and dignity were put to test. However, my inner beliefs kept me going, be it during job transitions, pregnancies or geographical changes. Human nature is subtle and very often we are unaware of the drivers of our own behaviour. Deep-seated beliefs, experiences and perceptions shape our world-view and how we interact with people, communities and gender. At work, these become very acute and influence our mind, resulting in relationships that sometimes are difficult to fathom.

  In my experience there can be and needs to be more sensitivity to how people, especially women, work across cultures. Differences in perspective, styles or actions can be honed very constructively creating a win-win for all. However, at times these differences may be misunderstood and judgment applied to ‘what’s being said’ without really deciphering the real motive behind actions. Different meanings get attributed to actions contrary to what may be communicated. Behaviour gets interpreted in divergent ways to what one’s intent might be. It saddens me that we lose so much talent and productivity, due to these biases that some people carry across the world. These biases are shaped from individual experiences and sometimes even ignorance and can drive how people interact with various gender or cultures at workplace.

  Women continue to face this dilemma as society across has defined its expectations from men and women over time. Traditionally, men are the bread-earners and women are the care-givers but it is never that straightforward. This has always confused me…as I have seen numerous women around me suppress their professional aspirations to let their partners flourish. This may not even be the best strategy for a relationship to work well. Also, very often I find women taking a short-term view of their work, rather than a long term view about their career. This makes it really tough for women who do want to pursue careers seriously as it reinforces the stereotype. As I mentioned earlier many returning mothers are often faced with a foregone conclusion on flexibility or a preference for fewer responsibilities that do not add to career growth. This does frustrate a lot of serious, career-oriented women, who finally leave, faced with a Hobson’s choice.

  Unconscious bias reflects even in the style of management that women are expected to exhibit. Given the innate nurturing quality that women are expected to possess, expectations at work, too, get governed by the same. I realised through some harsh experiences of my own, that a woman is expected to have a quiet, personable, care-giving demeanour. If women are too assertive at work, colleagues may view her negatively and call her “aggressive”. If one displays ambition too overtly, one is termed as too “self-centred and selfish”. If one speaks up and has a viewpoint in management teams, one is considered “abrasive”. All these attributes are perceived positively for men and are considered as drivers of their success but they are derailers for women. There is pervasive competition at the work place, so these preconceived notions about women prevail in the minds of both men and women.

  Over the years, even though I did not engage in much office gossip, little did I realise that it did not necessarily absolve me from pointy fingers! As I transitioned to senior roles, I had to be sensitive to this and tweak my behaviour while being authentic to the extent that it did impact my work. It was very tough managing a few work groups, but it was important to be engaged and persistent to ensure that people understood my purpose and intent. I learnt to change a few minds. My mentors and buddies always gave me a lot of strength and support. There were finally a few I could not convert because of their own strong belief of how a woman should or should not behave and any non-conformity to that would qualify me as a bit deviant. You can’t win the entire world!

  On cultural sensitivity, I realised that Asian work ethics are driven by our sociological factors. Most middle-class families in India put a premium on education, considering it to be an elixir for the next generation to do better than the last one. Competition is extremely tough in emerging markets and it is about the survival of the fittest. There is no social secuirty so no job means no support for even basic livelihood. Hence to secure a good career and financial stability, academic excellence is at the forefront. There is a push to to get ahead in the race at any cost even in schools. This can result in an imabalance between competition and collaboration and can also lead to less sensitivity to social or softer dynamics at
play.

  Work is not a part of people’s life in emerging markets, it is their life. A lot of emotional and physical energy gets vested in it. Boundaries between professional and personal lives are very blurred or even non-existent. The concept of time is fluid.

  The struggles in an emerging market upbringing provide the much-needed drive, hunger and ambition, but not always the necessary tools to develop leadership capabilities to succeed globally. Social skills are not taught or given importance to in the academia. This is a very critical success factor on how people adpat at work, when they are working in a more flourishing developed markets culture. This finesse is picked up on the job. Scarcity of liberal mindsets is prevalent. Hence successful leaders understand the criticality of these skills and mould themselves to various cultures. However, the journey takes a while. Now super-impose this cultural bias on gender in a cross-border environment!

  In the light of our desire to test new waters, Sandeep and I relocated to London. Citi, being an organisation that values mobility, provided me with an exciting opportunity in Europe. In spite of being with the same organisation, it turned out to be a remarkably different experience. My colleagues were very welcoming and a whole new world and exciting challenges awaited me.

  As I commenced my assignment in Europe, simple adaptations had to be made to the way of communication, dress code, and food (that I loved), which were all notably, very constructive interventions for me to fit in with the larger group. The harder part was work codes which I would like to elaborate on as it was my biggest learning that made me grow further as a professional.

  I recall, my first few months in the new office were quite exciting, but also a bit unsettling as it was all so new to me. A large part of the team that I worked with were long-term residents or nationals, and clearly were used to a certain type of behaviour or culture that probably was different than other places that I had worked in (Asia and North America). A few people were very forthcoming and extended their support whilt dealing with a few others sometimes made me feel uncomfortable as I was unable to fathom them. No matter how hard I tried, somehow I struggled to open the door to the gates of friendship. They were reclusive, not that anyone said anything discomforting. However, the cues of non-verbal language were confusing and isolating at times.