Can I Have It All

by Anuranjita Kumar

  That year I was due for a promotion and I felt confident that on the basis of my hard work in the role, I deserved it. My midyear feedback had been good with my earlier manager and also with head of the function. I had been doing an enhanced role for two years and had been a key partner with some of the businesses in the transformation that was undertaken during the financial crisis and delivered successfully. Thus I felt well-positioned for the elevation.

  On the day of the promotion announcements in January, I anxiously waited for my turn to get the phone call from our HR Head’s office. Usually we got such calls by mid-day, so the excitement was building up. At about 4 pm, one of my colleagues, Jane* who was also being considered for the promotion that year, got the call. Time ticked on and I waited for my turn. She returned with a rather puzzled expression on her face. When I quizzed her about the promotion bit, she was quite evasive and rushed into her room on the pretext of making an urgent call, which was rather strange!

  Anyway, I was called in next. I headed towards the HR Head’s office, with butterflies in my stomach, some excitement and anticipation in my heart. However when I met him, he had a slightly troubled expression on his face. He handed me a letter, which had my bonus for the year. I thanked him for the same and waited for him to go further, and then he fumbled. He said that I was a very talented individual but as per the promotion process, there was some development feedback with regards to how I worked with my manager and some of the other team members hence my promotion was deferred! There had been some impact on the overall team delivery and some of this was attributed to me. He further said that I needed to work on these aspects and hopefully with this being sorted, things would fall in place next year.

  He finally finished with a sense of relief creeping on his face after delivering the bad news that he had been struggling with.

  I was shocked! I looked at him again and asked him if he was serious. Across the HR floor, within my team, in my business, I was aware that there was an impression and expectation of the promotion given my role and tenured performance. I could not comprehend what really happened here. He continued and apprised me that others, including Jane, had got promoted. I felt something must be horribly wrong with me. I think he expected the reaction and was ready with his calming response for that moment, which made no sense to me at that time.

  I felt disappointed and didn’t know how to exit his office. I had lost a lot of my self confidence in that moment. In that emotional state, I thought this was unfair. Post my illness, I had worked hard, managed some of the toughest clients, toughest situations, kept all out of turmoil, straddling across a very challenging transformation, but clearly that was not enough. The perception of how one managed some relationships had an overwhelming weightage for the decision. The function Head, in his usual amicable demeanour, probably told me the unsaid, as to how I had not managed the internal environment and perceptions well enough with my manager or peers. This had created a hindrance for me to move ahead to the next level. Call it politics, organisational dynamics, or not-so-aligned managers, the loss was entirely mine This was a dark moment in my career when my confidence in my own capabilities wavered.

  In retrospect, I was so unnecessarily emotional about this incident that I thought about moving on from the organisation. At that time, this had hurt my pride somewhere. The Function Head refused to accept my resignation and requested me to calm down, knowing very well that it was a reaction taken without much thought. Some forty five minutes later, I headed down to my office to collect my bag. On the way I called my husband who understood my agony and told me he would be there shortly to pick me up. His presence was extremely comforting and we headed home together. Over the late evening I simply avoided any calls from office. My shock turned to curious anger by the next morning. How could I let this happen to me? What did I miss? What did I really get wrong? All the right questions in my head – albeit a bit late. I tried to pull myself together that morning, debating whether to go to the office or not. This is where my husband stepped in firmly and asked me to look at this problem in its face and take charge. I picked up myself and headed to work which was the step forward.

  I found it difficult to resurrect myself and trust the system, initially. Over the next few days, I experienced some dissonance that took over my usual rational being. Unfortunately I got a bit myopic and probably somewhat obsessed with the sense of unfairness I had faced that demotivated me. Unfair maybe it was, but was it worth this much emotional energy? Did I have a role to play in this? Maybe yes, maybe I could have managed the environment, managers and some peers better! I felt torn between the stakeholders.

  During this tough professional experience, what I did realise is the tremendous equity and constructive relationship that I held with a lot of people that I worked with. It overwhelmed me in a positive way. Many well-wishers, mentors and friends extended their support and vote of confidence. I did not consider myself that important, so this came as a pleasant surprise! Finally we reached a conclusion wherein I agreed that it was best for me to undergo a transition coaching to understand what was the appropriate way forward.

  ORGANISATION SAVVY

  At this juncture, along with my coach, I identified a few friends and associates, who were more approachable and supportive in helping me find my feet again. My coach and buddies taught me how to understand the environment and not bury oneself in work. They coached me to interpret the subtle cues, importance of small talk and how perception had an important role to play in people’s behaviour towards self. That coaching was transformational and an eye-opener. As a part of this intervention, for a 360 feedback, I chose people, whom I had a good relationship with and some people with whom I shared a not-so-good relationship, while a few who were neutral. A wholesome feedback from a variety of people including stakeholders, team and peers was very helpful and telling. Some of this feedback was constructive whereas some of it was brutal. But feedback is a gift and I took it in the right spirit to address what I rightly could. It was amazing to see some generic comments about what some people thought of me without knowing me well. For example: she is too assertive in her conduct. On further probing I understood that some non-verbal cues that I may be displaying in a different environment or with a few people may be leading to this. What may be acceptable by some may be perceived in a different light by others. I understood the importance of alignment (not keeping neutral), while continually scanning the workplace about who was an ally and who was not. So the challenges for a South-Asian Woman in the West are multi-layered indeed!

  On a positive note, there were the encouraging bits about commercial acumen and high action bias that I was advised to continue doing. A key and consistent feedback was to be more organisationally savvy by managing different relationships with different styles while keeping oneself authentic. Complicated! But therein came the development action plan in place and a huge effort on my part to keep trying to do this.

  I realised that it did not matter what my intent was, what I did or how I did it. It was how others perceived it that guided their reaction and impressions towards me. I was culturally different and probably had a different style. So was this a cultural variance even though this issue was limited to a group? It dawned upon me that I did need to make some changes to my behaviour for perceptions to change.

  There were certain things I had to work on like engaging and reaching out more to a larger work group, having coffee or lunch when feasible to build informal relationships. I was an introvert and this did not come naturally to me. It was difficult to explain it to others. I had to force myself to reach out and that helped people understand me better. They understood that I really did mean well and wanted to be inclusive. This was easier for people to see when I met them face-to-face. It was tough in the beginning to break the ice with people as various team members had a view about how I conducted myself at work but also were unclear about what they could expect from me.

  Over the next few months, I redirected my ener
gy to managing internal relationships more appropriately. I did not fundamentally change myself but I altered the way I interacted with others in the team around me. That did make a huge difference.

  However, a few people refused to change their views, irrespective of what I did. I could never win over some, as they had strong views based on their own experiences in life that were beyond me. However, being aware about this helped me to deal with them appropriately by having objective, work-related discussions when we were in the same working group. I reconciled to it and decided to be a little more watchful. Over a period of time, I cultivated some strong friendships that were tremendously helpful. Given that I had an honest intent which was then apparent, things became easier at work. During this period, my confidence in my own abilities was greatly restored.

  Things started to fall into place. I further imbibed the habit of making great allies and associates by simply having regular interactions over coffee or lunches. That gradually moved from just work-related discussions to children and home-related chats and relationships grew stronger. I cherish those relationships till date. The promotion did come along the way but by then I had moved to another level of human connections already. That was my biggest achievement and learning. Promotion did not matter that much after it. I realised that I had vested too much energy into something which may not be as significant. I understood that one cannot let competition and rivalry get the best of oneself. What Eleanor Roosevelt said couldn’t be truer: ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’

  THE NEED TO ASK AND TO BE EXPLICIT ABOUT WHAT YOU DESERVE

  I have often seen that many women struggle to seek advice as they constantly hesitate to put a foot in the door for a dialogue on their next career move. They expect others to recognise their work and feel uncomfortable about proactively talking about their achievements or networking. In this competitive age, it is increasingly important to be able to articulate your accomplishments to an evolving opportunity as you grow within your organisation. In a tough environment, where rules are often rewritten, you need to be prepared with your support structure to take on the challenge and explore the depths of the corporate world.

  In my experience and also having reviewed some research, what is important for women is nurturance and acceptance by others to earn what they deserve. There is an unsaid expectation wherein women feel if they work diligently and display commitment, their manager should recognise them and reward them appropriately without them having to ask for it. It is not in the DNA of many women to ask for their dues or demand what they feel they truly deserve. Many a time this leads to a skewed situation wherein the manager may think the employee is content with what she has, when that might not be the case. Rewards or compensation is limited in any company and the prioritisation may be done according to the performance, risk and any legitimate employee tasks.

  I find that the unmet, muted expectations are one of the main reasons why few women stay in the corporate world and fewer make it to the top. Generally speaking, most people face a situation when one of the partners need to take their career with some flexibility while the other pursues it seriously to keep the financial security.

  There are times when it is the women who take the back seat voluntarily. It may not be on others’ insistence. This is driven partly by social norms where generations have been groomed to view females as nurturers and men, the earners as stated earlier; but a lot of it is their own mindset. This does not really help to build confidence at work. Hence, even in the absence of a dire need to resign from their careers, women willingly give up even before attempting to even try the balancing act, just because there’s no unsaid insistence from the world around to prove themselves and they may have chosen not to be the bread earner. There may not be an easy solution to this apart from more women getting out there and being confident and persistent.

  It has been often debated how women struggle to ask for the right money or promotion for the work they do. Some know that they are underpaid compared to their predecessor or for the job they do; however, I have seen women struggle with asking for what is due. I have been on both sides of the table and I feel if you don’t ask, you don’t get. Niceties are important and such discussions have to be managed appropriately. But not asking because you may be unsure how it impacts a relationship or how it will be perceived cannot be a driver. I have also seen that sometimes, maybe unconsciously, a woman’s partner having a career, may impact how such decisions may be viewed, especially in emerging markets, where such information is easily available and usually a woman’s income is considered secondary to her husband’s.

  Women have to get over the discomfort of asking for their due as there is no special art of doing this. It is a simple discussion about what you do, how you add value, where you think the market is, assess your benchmarks and then leave it for your manager to explain why you are still underpaid and what he or she is going to do about this. Keep the discussion objective without blaming anyone. Highlight your contributions and what you do. Talk about your commitment to the company, but also subtly talk about how the system should not take that for granted. If you are valuable and the company wants to retain you, they would do what is appropriate. If they don’t, you have to really think hard if this is the right place for you. Working women have a tough life and work is no charity. Underselling yourself is a disservice to yourself. If you don’t have confidence in yourself and know what you are worth, there is little chance that anyone else will.

  I have seen some women very emotive on such issues and messing up such discussions. Emotions block our reasoning and may mar our behaviours or dialogues to manage an issue constructively. Very often such women have waited long for a senior to recognise them for their commitment, dedication or hard work and when that did not happen there was a repeated plea. Finally, cynicism took over and the conversation went awry! If you have asked for what you deserve appropriately and it does not come by, preserve your self-respect and look for better options. It is important to manage these interactions objectively and with grace and dignity. Do not let these situations bruise your confidence!

  After moving overseas in a new role, a colleague of mine was given an offer which she felt was below the market and also lesser than the previous incumbent. There was some dissonance in her mind and she decided speak to her manager about it with the data in hand. The manager understood and agreed with her thinking but explained his limitation on budgets. To this, she offered that she was willing to take the role if this was corrected in the coming six to eight months. They agreed and she took up the offer. Sometimes being sensitive to the constraints and helping work the situations through can become a win-win.

  In Singapore or Europe, which has a more subtle culture, one had to fine-tune navigation through the environment and the people around. Unlike me, many women pick up subtleties better and at times I have found them more perceptive of the moods of others than their male counterparts. That is something I feel can be a real strength for women and worth fine-tuning to be used in different situations.

  EVERY INDIVIDUAL HAS SOME STRENGTHS, AND SOMETHING TO LEARN FROM EVERYONE!

  The one indulgence I have pampered myself with has been to observe and imbibe from successful individuals around me. Many a time, we get caught up in trying to find a role model who has almost all the qualities that we deem inspirational that we feel we can learn from. If you can find a role model, then that is wonderful. However, my mantra has been to learn from all people around me to build our learning and confidence.

  Many people around you are doing a few things really well, notice those closely and see if it aligns to your value system and your way of doing things. This can propel you forward faster if you imbibe it. I remember that a senior business head (a man) whom I worked with, no matter what problem you took to him, one always walked out feeling great and confident about what was going on. I started to reflect on this closely and wanted to understand how I could replicate it. After all, how can
you go wrong with making people feel good about themselves? After some deep reflections, I realised that in all my interactions, he was making me feel as if I was key to his plan and was critical to solving the problem at hand even though he was quietly sowing the seeds of solution in my mind. This person made me feel that I was creating tremendous value, which was commendable. Now, who would not feel good about that? It made me realise, that around me, there were many such individuals who were probably coming to me for similar problem-solving interactions. I replicated my experience and worked on making them feel really good about their efforts no matter how small or big. It was miraculous, individual commitment increased, productivity rocketed and there was cheer around me. I used to feel self-assured and confident when dealing with this leader. This made me realise as I grew through the rungs, it was also critical for me to build the confidence of those who worked with me!