Can I Have It All

by Anuranjita Kumar

  Another instance of learning and confidence-building was when I worked with a senior in Asia. He was always three steps ahead of everyone else with any plan or issue. That was remarkable because we were always prepared for any exigency. On closer observation, I realised that he had the uncanny ability of looking at the big picture and was connecting multiple dots and systems together while analysing the impact of one plan against another. This resulted in many permutations and combinations in his head for various situations and he could see clearly which solution helped him and hence we (his team) were prepped better. Maybe he was gifted, but the self-assurance he demonstrated had to be a function of his self-confidence. Having seen his operating and analytical style, I tried imbibing some of it and it has really helped me and my team prep for the future. It made us forward-looking, which has been tremendously helpful at work.

  There is also learning in observing what is not working. There was a leader I once worked with who was very intelligent, but a bit too analytical and indecisive. With him, we always got caught with paralysis by analysis! His hunt for numbers and data was endless and with no decision at the end. This led to a huge dissatisfaction for people who worked with him. He would deliberate a lot whereas in certain crises, he needed to act quicker. He always followed a highly consensus-driven approach that would work well in a business-as-usual environment but not when there was a crisis at hand. From this interaction, I learnt the value of relying on my intuition and taking timely decisions. Sometimes there will be bets that may go right, sometimes wrong, but we move forward. Leadership is about taking a view with the team and then having the confidence to execute. Strategy and execution go hand-in-hand!

  LEARNING OUTSIDE OFFICE

  One key aspect to broaden your confidence and keep your learning journey exciting is by doing things outside work. A childhood hobby should be something which we never grow out of. Sports, languages, art and social work help us develop multiple perspectives and give us the outlook to view at things differently. Again, it is clichéd but I would encourage you to look around you and think about how many women you see pursuing hobbies, especially sports. I have found that in my career, engaging with social work and sometimes painting or writing helps me relax, get in touch with my inner self and touches certain chords in my heart that help me feel calmer and grounded. This also stimulates my creative brain and sometimes I think of some of the out-of-the-box new ideas while am not doing the regular work, but unwinding with some of these other activities.

  A lot of my thinking and learning also happens while I travel, and my job requires me to travel a lot. I could get bogged down by the disruption it causes sometimes but I choose to be happier about it and look at how I can add to myself with it and the flexibility it provides me with. First and foremost, it forces me to manage my time better as I have no choice but to be organised. With my children’s school, and sometimes my husband travelling too, a whole week’s timetable for all meals is made in advance with the nanny. This helps me manage weekly groceries and shopping. All school sessions, activities are planned and I would have my parents, friends or nanny stand in if required. I also organise my work better. I ensure the focus does not get diluted and that my work and home priorities go hand-in-hand.

  Aside of testing my organising skills, I make the most of my travel. Apart from doing work, I try and reach out to some known friends, professional bodies or associates in the city. If it is a new place, then I tend to explore it. All this adds to your network, and the continuous broadening of your horizons.

  SURPRISES IN STORE

  Life has a way of turning around and surprising you. This has been true for me whenever I thought I had hit a wall. Then the magic happens…beautiful and unprecedented.

  Being able to maintain confidence in oneself, our family, friends and organisation allows us to deal with the unprecedented with a spring in our step.

  During times of change in personal or professional circumstances, you need to be confident to take on these changes optimistically, especially if it disrupts the existing harmony on the home or work front. The desire to keep life running like well-oiled machinery all the time may be strong and may make you want to compromise on exposure or growth. Standing up for yourself, having the confidence in yourself is critical and requires a concerted resilience and tremendous energy!

  MOVING ON…

  The year 2010 turned a new leaf, bringing the much needed change in our lives after the illness and the promotion fiasco. I worked on my development needs and got promoted, focused on my health, which made me physically and mentally stronger.

  On the family front, my children had got admissions into some really good schools in London then. As we all know, school entrances are probably more gruelling for parents of young children and that was a real relief. Further, my husband got a new, bigger role with another firm. However, the only problem was that took him back to India. We debated the decision of his job change and decided collectively it may be better for us to return to India given our young children will get an opportunity to be exposed to their roots. Also, I decided to review options externally and internally. We thought we were all set!

  In June, 2010, I decided to speak to my manager who was not very happy about my looking for a transfer to India, given that professionally I was well-settled again. Post all the efforts in coaching I had integrated myself back in the function as appropriate. I appreciated his calm yet troubled reaction. His appreciation of our personal circumstances was thoughtful and he agreed to help me out. My next conversation was to be with my seniors, co-heads of Corporate and Investment Bank. This was tougher for me as these seniors had stood by me through my professional and personal struggles in the last twelve months. I was aware that the business was not in great shape, especially because of immense internal and external changes. Somehow I felt torn and conflicted, although going back was the right decision for us as a family.

  SHOULD I? OR SHOULD I NOT?

  I fumbled through my chat with the seniors as they were not just stakeholders but also my friends. They seemed shocked and requested me to rethink if it was possible for me to be around for six to eight months more so that the ship was a little more stable. Given the heavy restructuring and attrition, there was lack of continuity on the people side. I saw a huge opportunity to be a part of the transformational project that I so wanted to do! It also provided me the much-needed opportunity to reciprocate the support from this business during my illness. Nevertheless, it was an extremely tough decision. My husband and I discussed this, as I had never done this before. He asked me if I really wanted to do this and when I said yes, he was behind me like a rock.

  I was very nervous not just because my husband would be as far as in India, but, in a few months, my children would follow him. Living just by myself was a daunting task. I must have really wanted to do what I was doing and hoped this short-term call would hopefully hold me in a good stead for my learning in the long term.

  My mother thought I had really lost my mind given I had recently recovered from a near-fatal illness. She was completely flummoxed by the decision and tried dissuading me. Ultimately, seeing me determined, she decided to support me and comforted me by assuring me that she would be there back home with my family while I would work through my career aspirations. My husband’s confidence in my abilities to take this on was a tremendous support, gradually making me more self-assured that I could actually do it.

  The Bank stepped up too by giving me all the needed support to live in London and the flexibility to travel to India, as and when required. I leveraged their generosity carefully as I was here to work and learn.

  Weeks became months and months went on to become a year. I had signed up for six months and went on to stay for eighteen months travelling every two weeks between London and Delhi. My children learnt to play hide and seek with their mother. The toughest part used to be when I used to leave Delhi to return to London. My son was seven years old at that time and not old enough to
understand what was really going on, even though my parents and his father were around. I remember one late night when I was packing my bag to catch the flight back, my son stood next to me, teary-eyed, almost about to sob. My heart just shrank as I knew that tender, lonely and sad expression was because he knew I would be gone in a few hours to be seen only after two to three weeks.

  He said, ‘Mamma, I need help.’

  ‘My baby! What happened? Tell mamma’. He knew my work was important to me, so he did not ask me not to travel. He murmured, ‘Mamma, I have a very sad feeling in my heart and I am getting tears in my eyes! I don’t know why. Please help me!’ My heart started to cry. I knew the sad feeling that he was unable to express properly, was the anxiety he was experiencing as I was going. I felt, maybe I was being selfish and doing the wrong thing. The guilt overwhelmed me.

  I hugged him and asked him to think about our upcoming holiday next month. I told him to get a list ready of all the things that he wanted, what we would do together on the holiday and so on. I lay next to him that night for hours till he went to sleep. I cried on my way to the airport. It is rarely easy for a working mother in such situations. There are no right or wrong answers. My husband held my hand in the car and assured me he would be fine the next day. Children usually have feelings that they do not know how to be explicit about; however, mothers can feel their joy and their pain. And the pain was very much real.

  At moments like these, one finds their clarity, conviction, courage and confidence sorely tested. There were these tough moments for me to manage. My daughter who joined mid school in India underwent a huge cultural change and also some bullying in her new school. On one my visits, I realised her self-confidence was impacted. I called office and decided to take three weeks off and be with her in school, spending time with her teachers and peers. My intervention helped her and she regained herself-confidence.

  Because I was sure that I was adding value back at work, I had the confidence to ask for the flexibility I required on the personal front.

  Once between some hectic work issues, I called at the usual 3 pm India time to talk to the children, who returned from school at this hour. To my shock, I found my son had been suffering from high fever that day and had to be picked up from school. He was rushed to the doctor and diagnosed with viral fever. With the high temperature, he had been clinging to my mother. My heart was in my mouth. As I Skyped home and my mother made me talk to him to assure me that he was okay, a gloom of guilt overtook me. My conscience kept questioning me if I was doing the right thing by being in London as my child suffered at home. I booked my flight that night to go back to Delhi. However, by evening my husband who was back home, called and pacified me for an hour, saying Sid was better, and there he was smiling at me from the computer screen. I almost wanted to jump through the screen and hold him! The chat with my husband helped and Sid was fine in a few days and back to school. I finished my projects and went back home to be welcomed by his beaming smile. He was fine and waiting for his mamma.

  As we know, children do get unwell and it is tough, but they do get well soon enough. They need to have close family around them. As a mother, you are their support but so are their father, and grandparents. Let your emotions and responsibilities be shared by others as well. You should of course do what you can but don’t kill yourself wth guilt…it does not help. The lesson I learned through this process was also that it is important to have confidence in each other’s ability to help one another. We can’t do everything alone!

  Working across two time zones requires a support system both at work and at home. At work, I had a great assistant, a wonderful team that stood by me and helped me with my schedules. Given my good relationship with the business, they accepted my working flexibly across two-time zones and also aligned themselves to my schedule, for which I was truly grateful.

  At home, having a very supportive husband and the unrelenting support of my parents kept me going. We leveraged technology heavily as a family, with Skype, Face Time coming to our aid most of the time. I would Skype the children when they were back from school and from time-to-time help with homework. I would also guide my domestic help to make the kids’ favourite dishes! Remote families also require a huge amount of discipline in ensuring a time to connect, with regular holidays, and focus on key hobbies and studies. But it can all only happen if you gear yourself for it.

  Staying by myself also opened me up to my own hobbies in London. When I had some time off from work on the weekends, I focused on some designing courses and spent a huge amount of time with my friends, the relationships I treasure till date. My team was my family-away-from-home and they remain my extended family till date.

  This experience ended in December, 2011 and helped me grow stronger. At work, I saw history in the making, the experiential learnings I had during this time in London were invaluable and unparalleled. Staying back in London was a defining decision that I look back at very fondly now. I grew as a human being, from a nervous mother to a great juggler. It was a time-period that I worked beyond the boundaries of my defined roles (not that in any role I have felt restricted) as my ownership of what I did multiplied. I worked through multiple restructuring, leadership changes, rebuilding and redesigning organisation and doing everything that was required strategically to move forward. As a team we worked 24×7 but never felt that it was gruelling work as there was a cautious optimism about a future that we were building by turning the ship around. A fond moment was when in 2011, the business received external recognition for the great turnaround. My professional and personal confidence really blossomed, making me a much more content person!

  The work I was doing came to a logical conclusion and it was time to pass on the baton to someone else. I did that with due responsibility so the new incumbent could commence. As I reflect back, there were happy moments at work and tough moments at home, but eventually, it all worked out in the end.

  Recently, my daughter quizzically asked me why many mothers of her friends do not work. I explained to her that it is a choice a mother makes and being a homemaker is a tough job as well. Some mothers choose to give up careers as they wish to spend more time with their young ones and there is nothing wrong about this if therein lay their happiness. These are individual and personal choices. She replied, ‘Mom, thank you for not giving up your work as I would not know how to live with the guilt of you giving up so much for me. I want to learn how you balanced both work and home.’ Just her saying this did made me feel that all the troubles that I had undergone were worthwhile. I told her that I did not really balance anything. It all seems to fall into place when you want to make things work. That is the truth. That has been my experience. I was glad my daughter grew up the way she did! Career for her is not a choice, it will be what she wants!

  SUMMARY

  The world may view you as a capable professional with a potential to be a leader. However, only if you have the will to exploit the potential and the confidence to drive forward, will this transpire into meaningful results at work. Let your capability make not just a few lives shine but many more. Grab every opportunity to make that difference. And once you have decided to make it big, march on.

  – Manage that maze: It is imperative to learn how to navigate through organisational politics by keeping sight of your key focus areas or deliverables, reviewing who is supportive or not, what strategy may work with various people, where and how you should deploy the plans. A circle of trust with allies, like-minded people and mentors provides the much-needed support. They are your best reflectors and let you be prepared for any untoward possibility.

  – Perception matters: Perceptions are not realities. But people’s reactions towards you are driven by how they perceive you and not necessarily who you are! Hence, it is imperative to know what kind of perceptions exist about you or what people think about you, and then be able to manage these thoughts and the individuals, with the right interventions in case there is a gap or any negativity.

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sp; – Be authentic about who you are, your values and beliefs are essential. But be flexible with your style to cater to others’ needs. You don’t need to make everyone happy. Be aware of who is with you and who is not. I have often found myself putting my key stakeholders on a grid of impact on my work and need for quality of relationship. Clearly the people to focus on are the ones you share a good bond with. It also helps to proactively seek feedback about yourself both formally and informally.

  – Pick your battles: Taking on multiple conflicts does not help and diffuses your energy. So it is best to decide which are the key and high-impact battles to pick and then strategise on the way forward towards achieving the right outcomes. Any conflict takes energy, time and effort to resolve, so one must be sure it is worth the trouble and is being taken on for the right reason and hopefully for the larger good. In such situations, it helps to keep the big picture in mind. Keep an objective outlook and inculcate the ability to zoom in and out to know what a situation entails.

  – Speak up: Expressing your thoughts and communicating in larger forums and meetings is important. You need to speak up even if the room is full of all baritones. You don’t have to be loud and abrasive, but firm, crisp and clear in your communication. If you don’t speak for what you need or deserve, then you will not be heard, and if you are not heard then you don’t really exist.

  – The juggling act: Being a working mother and straddling two worlds is not easy, but not impossible either. There will be good and bad days at both work and home. Set realistic milestones and then get all the support that you can from family. Be candid in asking for any flexibility at work while keeping up with your work commitments. Also, let go of your guilt and fears that your children need your physical presence all the time. Letting go of this will permit you to leverage other support systems and family members to contribute with what they bring best to the upbringing of your children. Believe in it and you can, you will make it happen! Every cloud has a silver lining! At difficult moments keep in mind, ‘This too shall pass’.