The Matter Is Life

by J. California Cooper

  I have to say that big ole house she lived in was really comfortable for a country-type house. You understand what I mean? I prefer elegance and luxury, but Jana’s home was quite sufficient for the country. She served vodka and orange juice. I asked her if she had tried champagne and orange juice. She hadn’t! See what I mean?

  She still had that ugly auburn hair and those ugly light-brown eyes. Her figure was still decent. She looked well, but she didn’t know the first thing about dressing. I had worn my full-length mink coat over my black Chanel dress, and now I was sorry because it made her look so … so dowdy. So cheap … so nothing. You know?

  We talked awhile, well, I did all the talking about my friends, my home and all the exciting things I do. Trying to enlighten her, liven up her life. She actually interrupted to ask me, “Are you planning to take the twins?”

  My sense of decency was outraged! I gasped, “Oh! No! How could I uproot them? That wouldn’t be showing love. How could you suggest such a thing, Jana?” She was a cold-blooded bitch to suggest such a thing!

  She leaned back in that old chair, said, “Then I want to adopt them legally. After all … they are Nathan’s also.” It was so gross, uncouth, for her to say that to my face. Me! Her friend!

  I gasped again, I couldn’t help it. The audacity! I told her, too. “Who told you that?!” Had she no shame? “How dare you say such a thing to me, a friend!” I knew my mother did not betray me to this … this insensitive bitch!

  She waved her hand at ME, as if I were a fly. “Your mother did first, then Nathan admitted they could be his. And … they look just like him.”

  I rose from my seat, sat my glass down and knelt before her, forgetting myself always. “Let me explain. I meant you no harm.”

  Jana moved slightly away from me. I thought to myself, “Look at this bitch! I’m her friend since school days. My mother just died even. And she moved away from ME?”

  She said, “You don’t have to explain. The twins are explanation enough. I love them and I want to adopt them.”

  Now, when she said she loved them, I wondered what she knew that I didn’t. Was Nathan leaving them a great deal of money? Had I missed something? But thinking evil gives me a headache. That’s why I never do it. I decided to think about it later. I said, still on my knees, “I don’t want Albert to know!”

  She was silent and I don’t like people to be silent around me. I continued, saying, “Albert may be a lawyer, but he cannot handle the adoption. You’ll have to pay someone else for that!”

  She smiled, sadly, “It does not matter. He is handling my divorce, that’s enough. He can refer me to someone else for the adoption.”

  I started thinking, trying to understand what was happening. After all, I do have a degree in human psychology! I remember asking, “Your divorce? You? You are leaving Nathan?!”

  She had no life in her at all. Said, “What difference does it make to you?”

  I was speechless, until it occurred to me to ask, “You are going to give up this house? The business?”

  In a dead, lifeless tone, she answered, “What difference does it make?”

  Then, speechless again for a moment, thinking of how my dear mother was now gone and what would I do if she forced those disabled twins on me. I asked, “You still want to adopt the kids? A deaf and blind set of twins?”

  I understand, now, she cannot face truths, facts. She answered me, “They are whole, fine young ladies!”

  I thought to myself, “Lord, it takes all kinds! Thank the Lord, I am not a fool!” I finished my drink. Forgot it was as hot as it was outside, so I threw on my mink coat. I wondered, out loud, “Where are they, the twins?”

  She stood. “At the library,” she said.

  I turned to go, smiling at my thought. “The blind one also?”

  I could have sworn I heard disgust in her voice. “They have braille at the library … and friends.” She seemed annoyed.

  My eyes misted, I turned back to her, asked, “Do they ever wonder who their mother really is?” After all, I am a real mother!

  The answer came, “They know who their mother is.”

  I whispered, lest someone was in the house with us. “You mean you?”

  She finished her drink. Said, “I mean you.”

  I must have looked strange, I should have. I was strangling!

  She stepped close to me, looking directly into my eyes. I hate people to do that to me.

  She said, “Don’t you know your mother loved those children? She loved them! She was their grandmother! They were the only grandchildren she ever had, ever would have.”

  I was suffocating … I had to leave. I wanted another drink, but I had something at my mother’s house, or in the car. I opened the door to leave and was going down the front steps, when she called to me.

  “Nona?”

  I turned, waiting, wishing her to hurry and say whatever it was. I knew she probably wanted to get me to let her visit me after her divorce. I wondered how I could say no. I didn’t want to be bothered with her! She would never fit in my crowd. We were ladies in the truest sense.

  “Nona, when the adoption is over, don’t come where I am or the girls are, ever again, while I am alive.”

  I couldn’t believe my ears. This country-nothing bitch talking to me like that! “Just what do you mean?” I demanded.

  Very quietly, calmly, this woman said to me, “You are a waste of time. My time, their time and God’s time.” Then, in my face! That bitch closed the door!

  Well! A lady of my sensibilities and sensitivities, I couldn’t take it. I walked away bewildered, understanding nothing of this type of person, even with my education. I had never really known her at all. She was never my friend at all. Why does Fate choose me for these horrible things?

  Then … almost to my Mercedes, where I am longing to take that hot coat off … I see them! My children, my twins, coming toward me. Me, their real mother. Their arms were loaded with books, while they each held a hand of Jana’s young son. They were laughing and talking in ladylike tones. Not shouting like some kids do in the street. I knew they had inherited their ladylike ways from me. I looked at their clothes, as a mother should, to see if Jana was treating them as good as she treated her son. They were neat in bright sweaters and pleated skirts, white oxfords and brown moccasins. Long, beautiful braids were wrapped around their heads. They were beautiful! My children.

  Now! I knew why she wanted them!… and I wanted them too! That woman could not talk to me like that and get away with it! And my precious babies too?! This is ME!

  I walk toward them, my lovely daughters, I hold out my hand to one, I speak to both. I smile at them. I do not remember their names or who is who. I do not know which one can see, which can hear. But, oh, their beauty is mine. My heart is full.

  One looks, one turns her head toward me, their mother, as if I am a stranger. They pass me by. Me … their real mother, passed by! Oh, that hurt. But I began to understand. My education, you know? Perhaps they didn’t mean to. I rather think that the one I spoke to was the one who cannot hear. The one I held my hand out to, smiled at, was the one who cannot see. I watched them move away from me, a broken woman. I had to get away from there. I needed a drink.

  I reached the house where my mother lived, my house now. Albert needn’t think he will get his hands on that! I had had all I could stand for one day! I fix myself a drink and just sit in that dingy little house my mother had lived in so long, thinking of what life gives me to deal with. Then … Albert comes in from somewhere. He’s been so busy running around this place he loves so much, I had forgotten him. As usual.

  He looked at my drink in my hand and frowned. He thinks I drink too much. I almost told him I had to drink to stand him and his boring life. Work, work, work. So stupid. Anyway, I don’t feel like talking to a fool just then.

  He talked anyway. “Nona? I am taking steps to move my law practice back here at home.”

  I looked at him like he was crazy. I told
him so. “Here!? Albert, we’re not moving back here. I can not possibly live in this dead, empty place. All my friends are in the East. I have nothing here and no one here any longer. I will not return here to live.”

  The man calmly told me, “That won’t be necessary. That won’t be necessary at all. Ever.”

  Incredulous, I asked, “What do you mean? We are going to live in two places? That is no marriage!” See, I needed him when I accepted certain invitations from professional people that came directly to him.

  Still calm, he said to me, “It has not been a real marriage almost from the beginning, Nona. You do not love me. I’ve known that for a long, long time. And … quite honestly … I do not love you any longer. I’ve tried, but I just can’t seem to find something, anything, to love in you.”

  I shouted at him. “What are you talking about? You are my husband! I am your wife! Of course you love me!”

  Still insufferably calm, he answered me, “You can find another husband. You need one who likes going to empty affairs, likes gossip, phony fronts, adultery, lies and … all the things you like, Nona.”

  I screamed at him, “You don’t know anything about me! That’s not true! Some no-good busybody person has lied to you … and you let them! I’ve made a good home, a good marriage for you. I’ve given you your best connections for your business! I’ve …”

  He raised his hand to stop my words. “I don’t even want to hear anything about what you’ve done or anything you have to say. Lies, all lies. I don’t want to fight with you. I just want a divorce. I’ll take care of everything. As usual.”

  I tried to stop shouting, “I know damn well you will! You are going to PAY for doing a horrible thing like this to ME!”

  He got up to end the conversation. “I know what I will pay. I’ve already taken care of that. Keep the house. Keep your car. Keep your life. But you cannot keep me.” He turned and walked away and out of the house. Out of the beautiful life I had made for him. Why, he was nothing without me!

  I shouted after him, crying. “My mother just died. How can you do such a thing to me on this day? You never have given a thought to how I feel.” He never did turn around. He was a selfish, unfeeling man. How had I missed seeing that in him? Some things must not be in psychology books!

  I stood there a moment, trying to get a hold on my life. These people! Where did they come from? Don’t they have any feelings? For me? Today I buried my mother. I have lost my children to an evil bitch of a woman. I truly have to lose them now if Albert’s really gone, because I will not pay a lawyer all that money it would take to get them. I will have bills to pay as it is. I am losing my husband because he does not understand me. Does not realize all I have given up for him. All this has happened to me in one evil day.

  My glass was empty. I filled it again. Lord knows, I truly needed a drink. I hoped I had brought enough with me to last me til I get home. I do not drink excessively. I am a lady of class and education and distinction. I have just had a hard, hard day. That’s the reason I needed a drink!

  Oh! Home, home. I was so glad to get home. I thought Albert would call or come back when he missed me. I’d untie my tubes, have a baby to hold him. I did not want a divorce. They don’t like single women in my crowd. They always said “Her husband is a lawyer” when they introduced me without him there. So proud, my friends. That’s what makes me wonder who the gossip was. Who told him all those vicious lies? Someone jealous, I bet. Someone whose husband liked me. Someone who resented my looks, my clothes.

  Albert did everything but call. He moved, but commuted to work in both offices. I got the house, my Mercedes, some rental property. But, now, I HAVE to work. Support myself. I tried to get Albert back, but he didn’t have sense enough to know he was trading a Doctor and the high life-style for a cemetery. Didn’t know what he was losing.

  I decided to think of all I was gaining. Freedom to be me. Myself. At first it was fun. I invested some of my money in a new wardrobe, because I had to attract new men. A husband. Someone to take care of me I could be proud of when I went out with him at my side. I did look ever so good, I must say. Gorgeous.

  But, people are so selfish, so chicken-shit. Some of the women I thought were my BEST friends began to be too busy to see me anymore. I used to have to search around to find someone of stature to have lunch with everyday. Those used to be the best gossip sessions! Now I bet they are talking about me when they get together. Because I am free and able to do whatever I want to. Jealous! I know they are!

  A few of the men I use to see when I was married … they came around for awhile. But I know my value, so I quit calling them because I don’t have to beg. One of them was very close to me at one time, too. Reginal. I love that name. So aristocratic. I thought perhaps, if I got pregnant by him, he would marry me. He wasn’t much, just a city coordinator or something like that. Nothing special to make anyone take notice or be jealous. Still, he would be a husband! When I did, secretly, un-tie my tubes, I did get pregnant.

  I thought it was a good idea to have a child. It seemed like children had been a help to Jana getting a man. When I told Reginal about the gift I was about to give him, he said it was a good thing I had a degree so I could take care of a baby, because he couldn’t help me. Said he didn’t even know if it was his! What did he think I was!? He said he had other plans and marriage wasn’t in them. Can you imagine that? A city coordinator with a chance to marry a Social Psychologist, a Doctor, saying it was not in his plans? That’s why he isn’t anything! He has no sense of getting ahead in life! I left him alone right then. I had to … remove that baby too. A single woman can’t be so encumbered. I never would get a man with a baby laying, slobbering, in my arms.

  Besides I plan to get my own children back when they are grown and can appreciate me.

  But listen! Jana did it again! I was hearing rumors when I had to go home to see about that property of mine. It seems Jana and Albert are together pretty steady. He is even investing in a business for her! Her divorce is final and she is the marrying type. The slick kind of woman that sets a scheme and makes it work. I know her! I, also, know Albert is the marrying kind. When he likes a woman, he sticks to her. Why he ever got a divorce from me, I’ll never know. I complemented his role in life. Probably some lies Jana told him because she wanted him for herself. I hear he deluges her with flowers, candy and gifts. Many gifts. Why? He never did that for me! She probably tricks him in some way for that!

  But, times change and I know things will get better as soon as I meet more people and they find out who I am and what kind of person I am. I do have a degree in psychology. A Doctorate!

  I go out, now, with a few ordinary working women sometimes. They are nothing much. Just company sometimes, when they are not going out with their “ordinary men.” I simply cannot go out with just an ordinary man, that is beneath me. I just can’t. I won’t! I deserve more.

  I can’t understand what is wrong! Is it the times?

  The men don’t come.

  My mother is dead. I don’t have anyone.

  I get along, tho. I am a smart, modern woman. However … I am just a little tired of being pawed by one-night stands. If you go all the way, you never know if it will be good or not! It is mostly not! Further, most of them do not have the decency to call back. They eat your food, listen to your music, drink all your liquor, ask you to do all kinds of things. Then, you never hear from them again.

  It galls me when I hear how good Albert is to Jana. He never was to me! I hear they may marry. Two fools, maybe they deserve each other.

  I know one thing, tho. I am smart, I have a degree and I am gorgeous. I will find another man who is somebody bigger than Albert! There is someone out there who will love me, marry me.

  God forbid, I may have to be alone. Awhile.

  You know … Fate has ever been unkind to me. Always … cruel and unkind. People like I am, are always done this way. Fate is so unfair to us. To me.

  LATER: ALONE

  The l
ittle lady had paid for an invitation to this swank affair. She pulled her slightly worn-looking mink coat closer around her, even in the sweltering heat of the day. She looked gorgeous. Inside the grand room prepared for a luncheon she lifted a drink from a tray, moved toward a table with her name on it, looked over the crowd to see which man was looking at her. None at the moment. She sat down, in her elegant practiced way … to think about her presence, her future and her hair. Thought many evil thoughts because people never did her right. Cried inside her mind because people never did her right.

  Soon … others like her joined her. Both men and women. Both with too much makeup, to cover puffy, alcoholic or drug-abused faces. They drank together, but seldom looked at each other unless along with a snide remark. Their faces were turned away from their own table toward the rest of the crowded, busy room. Looking. Seeking.

  All each alone, even together.

  She never misses these things because she does not want to be a waste of time, nor does she want to waste time. Time is passing fast. It’s precious.

  She seldom mentions “Husband” any longer.

  She says, “I just want a friend. A true friend at last! Is that too much to ask?” Everywhere she goes, her little, empty, hurt eyes ask, “Friends, anyone?”

  I do not know how she came out in her pursuit of what she was after. I did not have the time to waste.

  VANITY

  I’m sittin here thinking, ponderin, over life. I hear my radio playin music softly round me. Beautiful full religious music bout God and what he does. I am listenin … and I am thinkin … about this life. Even death.

  Sometimes you get something in life and you don’t know you got it, so you don’t do nothin with it. Then sometime you get something and you know you got it and you want everybody else to know it too. You be just done got lucky, even got something you can share, like beauty. But some people turn a gift into a weapon and use it on everybody. Sometimes, they think they be goin up, up … but they ain’t. They be goin down, down … and taking people with em! Two fools. Fool for doin it, and a fool for goin down with it. One thing I do know, life is like a bank sometime. You ain’t gonna get no more out of it than you put in it! Tho it do look like some people do … in the end, they don’t.