The Matter Is Life

by J. California Cooper

  Some people say everybody got a Guardian Angel looks over you. I ain’t sure God got that kind of labor to waste on some people, but if he do, I don’t envy the one was watchin over Vanity.

  My mind is turned to these thoughts by death. A strange death, ugh!, of a woman I knew. A friend? I don’t know was she a friend or not. She might’a tried, I don’t know. I was her friend tho. I do know that. Vanity. Vanity is her name.

  I knew her well. Very well. I am a little older than she was. I used to keep her, sit with her for her mama when Vanity was little. She was grown then, in a little way. She talk to me all her life. She thought I was her friend … well I was, but I was a little scared of her. I was. She didn’t seem to have nothin in her heart for nobody but herself. I watched her think, listened to her talk.

  Just listen what she said to me a year or so ago, when her trouble started. Another kind of trouble she didn’t understand. See, she didn’t have no women friends for too long. They didn’t like her for long. But she never cared noway. She get lonely she just come find me. I knew all her secrets. I think. Just listen what she said to me when we be sittin on the front porch, laughin, talkin softly. She be drinkin champagne. She drink enough to keep even a Guardian Angel high.

  She say, “I was always very beautiful. You may not believe that, but it’s true. I know. I am still beautiful.

  “I knew I was beautiful the day I was born. You may not believe that either, that a newborn could know that, but I did. The doctor did not want to slap me, the nurses looked at me with envy and hate. My mother was elated. She was … uncomely. But I let that pass. ME. I was the important one … and … as I said I was beautiful. But bored … from birth.

  “Bored! Do you know how long I had to wait to walk? To speak? To buy things, beautiful clothes, to enhance my beauty? Several years. But I used the time well.

  “I studied my father. I wrapped his heart around all my fingers. Many times he slept, holding me, instead of my mother. That became a problem, but I don’t wish to talk about that now. But … I was practicing, yes, practicing for my future. When I spoke, I spoke in question marks. ‘Will you buy that for me? May I have that? Do you think this is right for me? Don’t you want me to have that? Does this look good on me, compliment me?’ Oh yes, I knew what to do with me, my beauty.

  “I wanted to goooo somewhere. Beeee somebody. Doooo something with what I had. I was born decided not to be a victim. Determined. And I had the greatest tool I know in life. Beauty.

  “At five, ten, twelve, fifteen years of age, I knew, I knew, just by looking at people looking at me. I knew I was superb … that I could acquire things and people in proportion to my beauty. The world lets you know they are fools because they love beauty no matter how empty it is. However, I was not empty. I was full of thoughts. Of myself. Well … what better? Who should you be thinking of? See?” She said and laughed, “I’m still into question marks?

  “Reasons, causes and effects, results … that’s what I studied on. Hard. But not too hard … it wasn’t necessary … for all. Boys and then men became monotonous, always telling me of their love. What did they think I thought? Didn’t I know they would love me? Want me? I was delicious to look upon. Ask my father. He gave me everything! He loved to touch me, assure himself I was his. My mother had very little, she didn’t need it anyway. She had her chosen man … who really belonged to me after I was born. She had us. She had him anyway. I was there I guess. But only I had me.

  “Many, many hours were spent, me with myself, alone. The sun rose and shone on ME, sent its warmth into my soul. Flowers bent when I passed, God knew. Everyone, anyone, who looked on me, their heart beat and throbbed with the thoughts of love and possession. Men and some women too. Desire … ahhhh, desire, the crux of the whole life matter.

  “I was young … innocent, in a way, in my body, not my mind. I was sad because I had to wait for life, get older. Wait for the joy of being a woman. A beautiful woman. To get my due. I said prayers. After all, God was, is, greater than I, at least.” (I know her Guardian Angel almost choked!)

  “So many loves came into my life, before my eyes. I was always smiling, happy. At peace with my self and my glory. I cared, oh!, I cared for myself because when I first looked at me, I loved, loved me.

  “At twelve years old, I washed, creamed and smoothed my body. I brushed, combed my luxuriant hair that it might nestle on my lovely soft shoulders and be a cape of beauty for others to enjoy. Yes, I thought of others, sometime. I loved my arms, my waist, my legs, so full and smooth, beautiful … and mine.

  “You know I loved clothes! To sheath my body! Let them be expensive! Let my father struggle to do what he had to do to afford them for me. Wasn’t I his child? Wasn’t he supposed to do for me? Getting anything I needed? I needed beauty. As I grew older, I HAD to have lovely, beautiful, costly things. Wasn’t I ME!? Mama had had her time and got him … and me … now it was my turn. Practicing, practicing. My hands, my nails, my shoulders, my breast, beautiful. My legs, my thighs, my feet … all of me, I oiled, creamed, smoothed and loved. And I felt joy. Anything that made me look like me … beautiful … I loved. Not people … just things.

  “The only thing that bothered me was time. TIME. Always moving, passing, getting away. But too slow for me. I had to wait, wait and waste those early years I needed, to be admired and loved. I got up early, mornings, to have more time to be admired. I have sat looking out my windows, hours and hours, weeks and weeks, just waiting for someone new to come along, pass by, to look upon me and know … I was beautiful. I watched their eyes.

  “Seasons meant nothing to me. All were mine. Except, I learned I must stay out of the sun. Ahhh, and it was such a spotlight.

  “One day after school graduation, after all the shit I had to go through to get to my life, my freedom, I said to myself, ‘I’m not beautiful enough.’ You see, I had seen others then, that might come close to me. And I wished, tho I looked better than all others, that all, ALL pretty women, even cute women, would die, DIE. And leave me to have all the men, all the adulation, my choice, anybody I wanted … to love me.

  “Somebody special to love me. It was now at the time when loving myself was not enough … not enough. I began to know fear. Fear is a low, low, sad feeling. But it was into me. I couldn’t help it. Of course, I should have known better. What had fear to do with me? YET … I feared. Somehow I knew … I might not … might not … have everything. Oh! my lord, ME!?

  “Now! It was now time. I was eighteen. Through with high school. My parents could not afford college where I might have found my true future, my love to love me as I should be loved. Riches, position, everything! No … I had to work with what I had. Welll, it was quite a bit. But, still, all by myself. Only, only?, my beauty to help me. And it did. Don’t you make the mistake that men will not let anything go for a beautiful thing to look at. In the morning, the evening, especially the night. Men are fools. Good grand fools. Don’t let me mislead you, they are alright. Are they not rich sometimes? I still believe the world belongs to a woman, but only because it belongs to men and they give it to her! Just fools for beauty. Is it beauty? Or is it body? Hmmmm. But … I was always just like a lady, a real lady. A beautiful, beautiful Lady.”

  Yessss, chile! All those things Vanity said to me … and more. I can’t remember everything now, my mind is mixed up with death … and life.

  I’ma tell you something, bout this life I done found out. Sometimes from the birthstone to the tombstone ain’t nothing but a few steps. High ones, low ones. Don’t matter. And sometime you don’t even know you been walking on the road of time, think you been standin still and you been flyin with your feet. Laughin, having a good time, even cryin, having a bad time. Then, one day, you look up and you way, way up the road. One day you twenty, overnight, you thirty, one movin year … forty, one afternoon … fifty. After that, it pass by like hours, minutes! All the time you thought you was spending only money, you been spending time. TIME. Chile, time. The most valuable th
ing you got! Or ever gonna have!

  Now, if you ain’t there where you think you ought to be when you think you oughta be THERE, and you done spent time til you broke and you ain’t even enjoyed gettin to where you are! If you don’t understand what I’m sayin, I do, I just maybe ain’t sayin it right for you to understand. Try.

  There was no lie about it! Vanity was a beautiful thing, a beautiful woman to see. Not to know. Just to see. Her Guardian Angel had a JOB!

  But, back to her family, her dear mother saw the love transferred away from her. She wasn’t no longer the center of the home. She just waned and drifted to the background with the second daughter she had, Mega. The father often slept with Vanity cause she said she had bad dreams, holdin her, pettin her, kissin her. As she grew older, them kisses grew lower and lower until she was kissed by father all over her body. It was like a form of worship to her. If it is true some men had their own daughters way, way back there in them cavemen days without feelin shame nor fear, that is still in some men. I don’t blive he went that far with her tho. Just fondles, touches. But she grew to expect, and get, the same thing from most all her men the rest of her life. Her Guardian Angel musta shuddered.

  Then, when Mega was born the father expected to have another great beauty to show off. He smiled and waited. But, as she grew, her beauty was neat, plain, sweet. He might could’a grew to understand those was also wonderful things to love, but Vanity always movin between them, pullin on his arms when he played with Mega, wrappin herself round his head to shield his eyes from Mega. In time, he centered on Vanity again. The mother cried awhile, then smiled thru her tears and took Mega to herself. Mega grew up affectionate, patient, sweet and, I guess, just normally normal. The mother refused to have any more children. So they each had one!

  But these things tells on a woman who loves her husband. She loved her husband, had dreamed of the perfect home. Her love grieved, her spirit grieved. She was alone in her home, in her marriage, in her life. She was a sad, sad heartbroken woman, whose daughter had stolen her husband, with a smile. A beautiful smile. A Guardian Angel grieved, I know.

  In time, when Vanity was seventeen, Mega fifteen, the parents divorced. The mother could take no more, could not watch Mega’s confusion no more. The family had been divided too often and too long by Vanity’s demands on her father. The mother took Mega, naturally, and because I don’t have time to tell just everything, I’ll just tell you they did well. Mega had a normal life, I guess. She wondered, from time to time, about the family ways. She loved them all. She was patient with them all. Just like a real little lady. Her time passed that way, and she grew up strong in spite of all of them.

  All this time Vanity was runnin after hearts … anybody’s. Had great pleasure in takin the heart of a boy, or man, who seemed to love another girl, or woman. Even her closest friends’ beaus. Of course she ended up with no friends! But Vanity didn’t care, she was havin a good time. Just like a lady (she thought). And time passed. Don’t it always.

  Her father bought her everything. Sometime being late, very late, with payments for Mega. Vanity explained that away to him by saying she gave Mega all her cast-off clothing and things, that Mega didn’t need as much right at that time of her life.

  Also, at that time of Vanity’s life, she was twenty or twenty-one then, dancin, laughin, always goin out, riding, playin. Life was gettin dull to her. Same old crowd, growing smaller. Some gettin married. Women shyin away from her. Men already been burnt by her, keepin a distance. No magic around for her to play with. She turned her lofty head to look over the horizon for fresh life and dreams. Her Guardian Angel was in dread.

  Vanity loved picture shows. Lookin at one, one day, she decided she had always wanted to be a movie star. She knew she looked as good as those up on that screen. She prepared her father a good meal (in her gloves). Set a beautiful table, candles and all, just for her father and her. His eyes just sparkled, he was so proud of his daughter and happy she had decided to stay home with him an evenin. Vanity didn’t waste no time tho, she just came right out and told him almost soon as he sat down to eat.

  “Daddy, I need some money. I’ve made up my mind what I want to be, at last. I’m going to Los Angeles to seek my fame … and my fortune. I know I will be successful. All they want is beauty! So … I am prepared.” She laughed, he frowned, started to say something. She thought she anticipated him. “You always wanted me to be serious about something. Now, I’m ready.”

  He sighed. They argued awhile. He lost, again.

  He said, as he sighed, “Well … if that’s what you really want. I’ll transfer my job … and we’ll move.”

  She pursed her beautiful lips. “Noooo. I want to … I need to go alone. I’m over twenty-one now. I want to be on my own. Just send me some money. But I want to be alone.” She thought of allll the men there. And Dad was gettin old and showing it. Ugly comin. She didn’t like ugly.

  He was hurt … and feared loneliness. “You’d leave me? You’d go alone? So far from me?”

  She turned her beautiful lips down, and snapped, “What do you expect me to do? Be here under … with you the rest of my life?”

  He stammered, “No … no … I … I thought …”

  She stopped his thought. “Well, I am grown. I will go alone. You can’t be with me forever! I have to have my own life! I am your daughter … NOT your wife.” He groaned and twisted in his seat, dinner, candles forgotten. She continued. “You’ll … you’ll still have Mega … and Mama, if you can get her to leave her new husband and come back to you! But I …”

  He bent his dumb head. “Your mother will never leave that man. He loves her … and Mega.” He looked up suddenly, angry. “He better not be doing anything to my child!” He looked sad again. “Let me get a house there and we …”

  She threw him a disdainful look. “Dad. I … am … grown. I have to go alone.” Her tone softened, “I have to see if I can make it on my own. So you will be proud of me. Just a little money to help me til I am rich and can make it on my own.” She smiled brightly, beautifully. “Then I will send for you to come … visit me sometime.”

  Anyway … she got her way. Her Guardian Angel shook its head … and waited.

  Vanity went to Los Angeles expecting to have heads and hearts rolling in the streets. Instead she found so many beautiful women everywhere she went to seek a job. Everywhere she walked, ate, sat, looked. She got nervous and was throwing up every night. Got sick even, but didn’t get a job in films. Men had so much pretty to look upon. She was just one of them. Beauty was five feet deep in Los Angeles. Talent wasn’t. Vanity didn’t have much talent. In two months she called home for a ticket back. Back to safety and some kind of throne. In Los Angeles they didn’t even know she was gone, cause they hardly knew she was there.

  Her daddy smiled sadly, gladly sent the money, borrowed money. He had been sending her so much to keep her in the style she thought she had to have, to keep her happy, he was most broke. But he was happy he was gonna have his “baby” back! Her Guardian Angel must have smiled with relief cause a whole lotta things wait for pretty girls in them big busy cities.

  She returned to her little three-legged throne. Told everybody she didn’t like it in L.A. because the people had no class. But she read that writin on the back of that throne, looked at the horizon again, saw “marriage.”

  Now … one man, Robert, really worshipped Vanity. You know right there he was a lightweight fool. He had done gone to college and had a future, but the future wasn’t there yet, so he was still in the strugglin stage. He sure knew how to talk tho. And he could kiss her from the feet up … she had to have that! He wrote her poems. Sent her flowers. Kissed her feet. Used his eyes as mirrors for her. Since she saw herself so much in his eyes, and thought he had a future, she married him. Her daddy surely did go into BIG debt for that weddin. I blive he still owe some on it and he dead and gone now!

  The mother and Mega came. The mother lookin sad, Mega smiling with joy for her sister. S
he wasn’t asked to be in the weddin. She was married now, with one child. Vanity said she needed a pretty matron of honor with some money so she could get a better present from her. She seemed to understand Vanity, didn’t seem to mind, but I knew she was hurt cause she was a family person. She cared. She knew how to love people for real reasons.

  Anyway, the Guardian Angel must have held its breath, but the marriage lasted only three years. Til Vanity was twenty-five. Turned out Robert’s struggle was lastin too long … and the kisses didn’t last long enough, cause they got borin and all tied up with cookin (in gloves) and eatin, going to the bathroom and snorin, his dirty clothes, underwear and all, and blowin noses and payin bills (she made). He be tired and she need another dose of worship. She took to leavin him snorin and going out to get what worship she needed, in them expensive clothes she charged on him. Her daddy was still payin for some of her clothes too, she sure could spend money on herself. He was still livin then, poor fool. She never did buy nobody else nothin!

  Now, Vanity didn’t go too far out. Not very much adultry, cause that wasn’t what she was after. Just more love and worship. A few times she did commit adultry was cause her worship bank was low and she couldn’t get that worship no other way. She ended up have two abortions for two reasons. One, she didn’t quite know whose baby it was. Two, she was never gonna mess her body up with nothin! Her husband never knew. Her daddy never knew. Even her hairdresser never knew. Just her and the one who gave her the pills and things, and me, cause I had to help her, care for her.