The Matter Is Life
Page 17
She said, “A hundred francs be alright cause I have to pay my rent. Then maybe my job will come through.” They was at her floor then, so she had to get out. She tried to ask, “How will we …”
He laughed and shut the door, sayin, “I let you know.” He was gone.
She sat by her phone. He didn’t call. She got back on the elevator. He laughed again. She said, “How …”
He said, “I count my money. I only have fifty francs to spend. I am poor man.”
She look down at her feet, say, “Well … okey. I need it.” Time for her to get out again. She ask, again, “How will …”
He laugh that ugly, gray laugh again, reach to touch her behind, she hit his hand, he reached for her breast, she let him a second or two, then she move his hand away. He laughed, “I let you know.” Then he shut the door and was gone.
That happen til the money was down to twenty francs. Splendora didn’t want to take it. But she had to. Didn’t know nowhere to go where they help beautifully dressed women from America! Didn’t really know nobody but him, the elevator man.
He finally ran into her room. She lay back and spread her legs. He did what he came for. Left eighteen francs on her table and was gone. Lucky she got that!
Splendora got up, cleaned up. Felt dirty. Said, “Lord. What is going to be next for me? I don’t want to do this, but what am I gonna do? Help me. Help me out of this. Please. Do I have to go home? To nothin, with nothin? I’m willin to work. Help me get a job so I never have to do this again. Please Lord, please. I have stolen. Now, I have whored. Oh! God! I am sorry! Help me!”
That sellin business tore her up a little. She was hurt, not in her body, it only felt dirty from that ugly little elevator man. She was hurt in her heart and mind. She had hated it when Lovedora went through it. Thought Lovedora was a fool. Well, Lovedora was! She gave her money away. Splendora was keepin hers, usin it herself! If you gonna do a dirty job like that, you need to keep any money from it for yourself. Don’t give your soul away!
She stayed in her room that night and the next few days, eatin sandwitches she ran out and bought, goin down the stairs. She thought everybody would be starin at her, talkin bout her. Finally she said to hell with it and went down to dinner dressed in her best best dress. She looked beautiful. She said if they put her out, she would look good goin. She was almost to the dessert when the waiter brought her a card from a gentleman askin could he join her.
Now, just to let you know what happened. After the elevator man had brought her down (he thought), he talked bout how he had done so good to the barman. A gentleman was at the bar he didn’t think too much of cause he was a midget, a dwarf, so he didn’t pay him no tention and the gentleman heard his story. He didn’t know the dwarf gentleman owned the hotel cause the dwarf didn’t let everybody know his business. This hotel was just one of the places his family had left him. He had a’plenty! After the dwarf heard the whole story bout how long Splendora had held out, he sat in his usual office in another buildin he owned and thought about this beautiful woman holdin out and finally givin in to a elevator man cause she was in need. He thought about his own life. Few thrills in it. Him bein shy and self-conscious bout his size. But that trick she turned brought her down to his size in a way. Sides that, she was beautiful, black, alone and in need. Different. Seeked after. Waited til the end fore she took that road down. He looked at it that way.
That evening the dwarf went back to that hotel, sat drinkin coffee and liquor til she came down. He was bout to give up and go when she finally came down for dinner. She had done planned not to come down, but finally her stomach got the best of her and she could sign for her meals there. She sat down thinkin everybody lookin at her again. That’s when the dwarf man sent his card with his name only on it, askin to join her.
Now … Splendora was sad and feelin just so alone, so, she thought, what the hell? Why not? and told the waiter Yes, he could join her. He did. She was so shocked to see this little man, dressed so neat and rich-like. Cane and all. She just couldn’t hardly talk. He didn’t talk much either. He shame too, I guess, for askin. But great big bells was ringin in his stomach. And little bitty bells was ringin in her brain. They stumbled over a few beginnin words.
Then, after awhile, he ask to pay for her check. She nodded gratefully. He did.
He told her he would like to dine with her every night while he in town and when he couldn’t make it, to have dinner as his guest anyway. (He didn’t want to give nobody else the chance that elevator man had had.) She couldn’t not blive her ears! He hadn’t ask her for nothin! He didn’t, either.
That went on for bout a week. Splendora runnin back and forth tween the work-permit office, her room and fear. He was the only good thing in her life at that time. And by that time, they was laughin and talkin better. He told her he had paid her hotel bill. That she might like to move to a small apartment he had found, it would be cheaper. She hadn’t been able to find one. I’m tellin you it sound like a fairy tale, but these things must do happen sometime in real life.
Splendora swallowed her food, took a deep breath, sighed and said, “Why? Why are you doin all this for me?” Wasn’t she foolish?
He answered, throwing his hands into the air, “Why not? I have the money. You have not. I like you. You are a clean woman. Your mind is not ruined. You are … different. You are American. Most important, you are a beautiful woman. You were born to be taken care of. I would like a … companion. Don’t worry, I will not ask too much of you. Just this one thing.… Never … NEVER … have another man in your life as long as I keep you.”
Well, you know, that suited Splendora fine. But she thought of havin this little man who she did not love either. She did not want too many sins on her back.
Well, it turned out that this dwarf man could not have a woman either. But he wanted to love one, own one nobody else could have, to extablish his manhood amonst other men. Splendora thought this was a blessin. I ain’t sure, but I guess it was.
He sent her out shoppin, made her charge accounts. Put her in that apartment. She passed that elevator man without even turnin her eyes his way. That man wanted to smirk, cause he thought he had brought her down, but she didn’t give him a chance. And, now, no one would ever blive him noway.
A few days later, Splendora and the dwarf left for Monte Carlo. She was one of the most beautiful women there. And baby clean. No one knew her. He liked that. None could have her. He loved that. She was his, alone. And that man dressed her, gave her jewels, furs, everything she wanted. From then on to the next fourteen years, that’s how she lived. I told you Splendora was splendid.
Splendora traveled on yachts, flew in private planes, all over the world cept the United States. She went to Africa. Of course she got real lonely bout four or five years down the line. And one time in Monte Carlo again, a king sent her a note and a diamond what wasn’t set in nothin! That was the time she decided to go all the way no matter bout the dwarf. She let that king have her in his own suite. It was done with great beauty and much money spent, but she never went back nor did that kind of thing again. Just cause he was a king I guess, even tho he didn’t have no place to be king of no more. Well, she was only a woman what had dreamed.
Then, lonely again, she thought of Walton who wanted to paint. My son. She wrote us and she sent for him and sent him to school. The little man did not like that, but he allowed it cause Walton was never with them.
Now this little man had a family too! Somebody his family had wanted him married to. But he kept Splendora.
Wisest thing Splendora did was save her money. Sent it home to her mama to save for her. She had them diamonds and furs and goo-gobs of clothes, beautiful clothes. She lived in what looked like a beautiful palace. She wished her old blind teacher could see her. You know what I mean. She could speak bout two or three of them different languages even. Yes, Splendora was splendid.
But … she never made love in all those years. Don’t count the king, she didn’t love
him. The little man only like to lay beside her, naked, and just stroke her body. He musta loved her by then. Once he yelled, “It’s hard! It’s hard!” But it didn’t stay that way long. So, they went back to strokin again … for years.
Finally Splendora got real lonely for her mama. Walton was not through studyin, that can go on and on, he say. But he was sellin things. Gettin kinda famous! My son! So … Splendora decided it was time to come home.
Now, Walton came home when Splendora did, but she also brought that little man with her. Can’t tell you who he was cause I can’t say, nor spell, his name. I called him “Man.” He let me. Seem to like that name. Could tell he had money, just somethin bout his clothes and his ways. He turned his nose up at everything less it was the Best! Don’t know if he liked our cookin tho. Splendora could cook whatever he wanted, and she did. I blive he musta loved Splendora cause he watched her all the time. He use to look at Walton kinda hard too.
Anyway … Splendora was home, at last! She and her mama lay in bed again and talked bout all what Splendora had done since she left. Not everything, I guess, just what Splendora might want to let her mama know. Dora say it was like bein on the trip herself. She say her daughter had done all such things, and more, that she would always want to do. But she thought, too, that Splendora had done some things wrong. Mama’s got sense!
Splendora say, “I been all over every place almost in the world that money will take you. Sometimes it’s like paradise, sometimes it’s like hell. I’ve seen so much! I’m tired, weary even, from what all I’ve seen. I feel like I have lived a thousand lives. I … been so many things … done … so many things.” She look up at Dora with them bright, beautiful eyes. “I been rich, Mama! You know, cause I sent you that money.” Her eyes go sad on us. “I’ve been poor, too. Long time ago. You remember when I didn’t send you none?” Then she light up again. “I dressed in the very best of clothes designed by the very best designers in Paris and Rome, as well as Windora’s!” She laughed. “Couldn’t forget my sister over here!”
Another time, she say, “I can speak four languages, Mama!”
Dora say, “Do em for me.” And Splendora would. We loved it even if we couldn’t make nothin out of what she sayin! We laughed a lot with Splendora, just bein happy to be round her!
But, sometimes, Splendora cried as her mama held her in her arms. Sayin, “Mama, I was sad so much, and I had to go through things I don’t like to talk about. Then, again, one day I would look up and be sitting drinking champagne on some yacht. Sailing in the most beautiful waters in the world, around the islands of Greece. Eating foods brought from some of the fartherest places in the world. The most expensive food in the world. The ice in my drink would be from an iceberg! Me!”
One day she turned from the window she liked to look out of, smiled sadly, said, “Mama, I was one of the most beautiful women in Monte Carlo. Once. All the men sent champagne and orchids, jewels and furs, trying to meet me. I had to send them back … all but one. Her voice got low and breathless, “Mama, I’ve been made love to by a king! One with no country left to be king of, it’s true. But king never-the-less!” She turn back to the window a while. Then she say, “But I’ve been to the bottom, too. Been made love to by a elevator man once. So I could eat.” She turn away again, sayin, “Neither time didn’t make me nothin splendid!” This time she don’t turn back to us. Just sit, stare out that window and think.
Another time when she happier, she say, “I’ve been to Africa, Mama. Africa! Exploring. I’ve been to the top of the Alps. I’ve flown over snow-capped mountains and over jungles no man nor woman has walked in. Mama, I’ve seen so much beauty on this earth.” Then she get sad again. “And really been to hell, so much pain in the people on this earth.”
Another time she told Dora, “Mama, I’m tryin to make up my mind about some things I want to do, need to do, don’t know if I can do them or not.”
Dora said, “Tell me, see can I help you think bout it.”
Splendora kissed her mama, said, “It’s my life. Nobody can decide this particular thing but me.” Then she changed the subject, I guess.
One time when she was even more serious, she said, “One day I woke up, on my satin sheets. The lace and silk from my designer sleeping-gown falling softly, beautiful, over my body. An empty champagne crystal glass on my white, hand-carved bedside table, neath my expensive, ancient chinese lamp. Got up, sat my feet down on my dusky Aubusson carpet, one of the finest in the world. And I realized … I had nothing … but money. Money and memories of the same things over and over. Nothing else! I didn’t really KNOW me anymore! Me? Who was I really? What did I want, really want, to do? What was I going to be doing in twenty years, if I lived, when my beauty was gone? I knew of such beautiful women who had such hard times even WITH beauty. I could imagine what life would be like when it was all I depended on and it was gone. I don’t want those hard times in my life! And sometimes the good times cost too much!” Dora didn’t know did she want me to hear all this, but I wasn’t goin nowhere! I’m a woman too! And Splendora was talkin bout a woman’s kinda life I would never know!
I wouldn’t look at Dora as Splendora went on talkin.
Said, “I have no children. No real home … except yours, and that belongs to everybody. I have no chilllld. My life is costing me, in my youth that is goin away, fading … fast. It is costing me too much to be free! Now … I want a home. My home. I’m tired. Weary of the past.” She looked up into both our eyes, smiled, said, “And I am in love!”
Dora gasped, “With that strange man in there sleepin?”
Splendora shook her head, “No. I’ll tell you when the time is right. I got a few things to do first before I can get to that part of me.”
Dora sat back and heaved a sigh. “I hope it don’t mean you goin way again for another ten, fifteen years. Do, I won’t be live to see you when you come back. Doctor say my kidneys not gonna let me be here much longer. Daughter, just stay with me a little while. Let me love you close to me where I can see you.”
Splendora leaned toward Dora. “Mama, you still got that land, where we all have one acre?”
Dora smiled, proud, “Ye … as! It’s worth more now. Town finally moved that way a bit. But I didn’t never sell it. Just kept payin the taxes on it. It’s still you all’s land. The onliest thing I can leave you all.”
Splendora laughed, “No, it isn’t the only thing you leaving us. You gave us plenty good sense, whether we used it or not!”
Well, they went out to see that land. The Man went with em. When they got back, Splendora was all excited. She called all kinda mens from that bigger city close round here and the next month or so, they was busy out there. Pretty soon they had plans and builders and Man was helpin pay for them to build four houses in a row on them acres. They was gonna let Endora build her own on her acre. But they thought they better build one for Windora cause she was most blind and her business was sufferin. They knew Lovedora needed a home, no question bout it! So they built em!
Splendora had the biggest and best one, with her a swimmin pool gonna be in back. Dora had the next biggest one, with rooms for her grandchildren, and they put her lawn and garden in first.
Dora secretly told me she wasn’t never gonna get to live there cause she didn’t spect to live. She tried to talk Splendora out of buildin one for her, just spread it out tween all the daughters, but Splendora said she knew what she was doin cause she had already talked to Dora’s doctor. Dora told her, “He musta lied to you! I know bout my own health! What did he say?”
All Splendora said was, “I know what I’m doin,” and went on doin it!
Talk about a dream! When them houses was finished they was beautiful. They was all painted a creamy white, but they had different trims. Splendora’s was lavender, Lovedora’s was blue, of course, Windora’s was left so she could order her own, after all, she did have some money! Dora said she wanted dark green, like her trees was gonna be. I’m tellin you they was beautiful!
After everything was all finished, Splendora and the Man, who had done tried to pay for most everything, they walked round the buildins. Splendora justa runnin here one minute, there another minute, lovin everything, the little Man grabbed her arm, sayin, “Now … this is all complete. We have to go home now.”
Splendora bent down and threw her arms round his neck, said, “No. No! I want to be home, here.”
The little man turned his head to the side, lookin at her, “I cannot stay here, this is not my home, not my land, these are not my ways. You must come home with me. You said you only want to come ‘see’ your mama.” He had a funny way of sayin “mama.”
Splendora dropped her arms, said, “Oh … my dear, dearest friend. I cannot go back to that life. You have a wife … and I want a man, a life of my own. I … I … want to be happy!”
Man held on to her. “Only a fool asks for happiness in this foolish, worn world. We are … content … together. That is enough for awhile.”
Splendora stepped back from him, turned her head to the side, said, “Everything I have done in the last fifteen years has been for ‘awhile.’ I’m ready to have forever. I want to get close to my … God again. I want my man and my own, whatever it is. Rich or poor. I want my own.”
The little man just looked at her.
She went on talkin. “I … love you. In … my own way. But … I’ve been taught by you, so … I want my own. My mother is getting old. I have no child. Even if I were to have a child by you … it would be a bastard. I don’t mind bastard, I am a bastard. I just don’t want a lie, when I can have the real thing! I want to stay home, here. My home … you have built for me. I will love you for that. Forever. But … I want to be loved.”