A Guy's Guide to Being a Man's Man

by Frank Vincent

  Here are some surefire signs that you’re not in a man’s man barbershop:■ They ask you to sweep up your own hair after the cut.

  ■ Your hairdresser Ramon begins to massage you, but it’s not on the menu of services.

  ■ Your barber ingests a shot of Barbicide before he begins your straight razor shave.

  ■ The health inspection sign dates back to the Ford administration.

  ■ The scissor is rustier than an ’82 Chevy Malibu.

  ■ They offer dog grooming under the same roof.

  If you don’t have hair, it’s not the end of the world. Remember, a man’s man works with what he has. In fact, there are many men’s men who are bald and wear it extremely well. Actors like Sean Connery, Ed Harris, and Vin Diesel all look good. Don’t wear a rug, especially not a cheap one. In this day and age, going natural is the best ticket.

  Chest hair is a tricky situation. If you don’t have any, it’s not a problem. If you do have chest hair, it could be a problem if you let it grow like ragweed. You need to keep it in check. In many European countries, the men let their chest hair grow naturally. So what? Many women in those same European countries let their underarm hair grow naturally. What does that tell you? Letting your chest hair run its course is definitely out of the question. So, what’s the desired limit on length? I was home one night and my wife, Kathy, had a couple of girlfriends over. They were all watching that movie The Thomas Crown Affair starring Pierce Brosnan. There was a scene when Pierce had his shirt off, and they commented on how nice his chest hair looked. Well, that’s your guideline, fellas—Pierce Brosnan’s chest hair! His is trimmed right, and women like it. Hey, women don’t want to date Chewbacca from Star Wars, they want Han Solo. So, groom yourself. If you’re embarrassed, just keep it on the down low. Also, please note that if you have chest hair popping out of the top of your shirt, take care of it immediately. Back hair? Please! That doesn’t even exist in a man’s mans world. In horror movies haven’t you noticed all the gorgeous women run away from werewolves?

  Manicure/Pedicure

  A man’s man does get a manicure. He is confident enough in his sexuality to do so. I am not saying to get French tips—just a cut, file, and buff, and you’re ready to rock. Are you a little skeptical about getting a manicure? Well, even tough guys get them. Don’t believe me? Early in my career, I was involved in a booking agency where I booked musical talent. I knew all the club owners. One particular owner, who you might say was “connected,” called me in one afternoon because he wanted to hire some talent I represented. When I entered the club, I was surprised (to say the least) that he and four of his associates were all sitting around a table doing their own nails. It felt like I had walked into a sixteen-year-old girl’s pajama party. There were cotton balls, Q-tips, emery boards, clear nail polish—you name it! I tried to keep a straight face while the “boss” and I negotiated for one of my clients. “Frank, you got to do better on the price on that singer. Hey, Carmine pass me the cotton balls.” It was one of the most surreal things I have ever witnessed. I couldn’t believe that all these major tough guys were using nail polish and cotton balls. So, don’t feel embarrassed or guilty the next time you get your nails primped. If mob guys don’t feel it’s for sissies, you shouldn’t.

  As a side note, women are attracted to men who get in touch with their softer side. I’m not saying to compare manicure tips with your date. But, hey, accidentally slicing your woman in bed with your toenails during sex ain’t too cool. Some guys don’t believe me when I tell them how important it is to have your feet on the up and up. It could be the difference between Friday night date or being more “home alone” than Macaulay Culkin. Don’t believe what I’m sayin’? Check out this weird letter:

  Dear Frank,

  I was down at the New Jersey Shore for a weekend of fun in the sun. We spent all day Saturday at Jenkinson’s Beach in Point Pleasant. My friends and I started talking to these girls and there was one who was really a looker, definitely girlfriend material. After a great conversation and a couple of pina coladas, I asked for her number. The next day, I gave her a call and asked her if she wanted to meet me for happy hour at a local bar. I noticed that when she was on the phone, she sounded a little distant. I asked what was wrong and she replied, “I have to be honest. Your toenails are a bit long. I think they need a cut.” I was taken back by her honesty. She then said she wasn’t available to go out that day, and to make a long story short, after numerous phone calls, she was not available any other day either. Where did I make my fatal mistake? Aren’t pedicures for sissies? Talk to me, Frank.

  Carl

  Dear American Werewolf in Point Pleasant,

  Carl, your “snaggle nail” ain’t that much fun in the sun. A man’s man never goes to the beach with his feet not looking presentable. You need to invest in getting out all last year’s lint and any corns that have come your way. Just like men, women look over people’s bodies from head to toe . . . nail! So, if you don’t have the guts or funds to go get a pedicure, that’s fine. But, at the very least, clip those claws once a week.

  Frank

  Shaving

  A “guy” only goes by the three S’s. “Shit, Shower, and Shave.” Seriously, a man’s man does a lot more than that before he heads out the front door. But he does take his shaving very seriously. He doesn’t just throw gel on his face from some cheap aerosol can. Hey, aerosol puts a hole in the ozone layer, in case you haven’t heard. Wake up! If he has the appropriate time and wants to pamper himself, he uses real shaving soap applied with a brush.

  Honestly, the best shave you could ask for is a straight razor shave from your trusty barber. That reminds me of a joke: The barber who shaved me was so nervous he cut me three times. After the shave he said, “Do you want your head wrapped in a hot towel.” I said, “No, I will carry it home under my arm.” That joke kills me every time. Anyway, if you can’t make it to your barber’s, you should shave properly yourself. One of the keys to attracting women and impressing business clients is a smooth, quality shave. Did you ever see Donald Trump with a beard? How about Bill Gates with a goatee? No. They are true businessmen and they know the importance of a polished appearance. The scruffy look works for some, but not many. Look at the New York Yankees—nice and clean cut. The Red Sox look like a bunch of cavemen in uniforms. Get it together, guys.

  The six stages to the perfect shave are as follows:1. Prep: Apply warm towel to soften the skin and open the pores.

  2. Apply: Take your time to apply the shaving soap with a brush all over your face, fully covering the areas that need to be shaved.

  3. Shave: You should use a high-end razor for the closest shave possible. Note: A man’s man never uses electric.

  4. Rinse: Use cold water and wash off all excess cream and hair. Sounds simple, but cold water is one of the most important parts of the shave because it closes the pores.

  5. Moisturize: Put a little moisturizer in the palm of your hand, rub your hands together, and then apply to the shaved area of the face. There’s nothing like smooth skin!

  6. Aftershave: Buy one to make the women go nuts. I recommend something with a light scent—women like that fresh and clean smell. Do not go for something that smells too strong; that’s a major turnoff. You should also coordinate your aftershave with your cologne of choice.

  A man’s man does it right with a sterling silver shaving set. Invest wisely in your shaving tools and products. Your local chain pharmacy will not carry this type of high-end shaving instrument. Twenty disposable razors in a package for $1.99 doesn’t cut it—literally! Head over to a major department store for the right shaving goods. Spend a little money on quality, and you’ll notice a difference in how people react to you.

  Most men also need to keep their nose and ear hair in check. Sharper Image sells a Turbo-Clipper ($49.95) for home use and a great travel care kit ($79.95) for the man’s man on the road. Maintenance on your own sideburns and neck hair is recommended. Also, skin is skin
whether you’re male or female. So, moisturize your whole body after every shower. Plus, wear a deodorant that doesn’t make you smell like a gardenia patch. All right, you’re ready to go. But not so fast. I know you forgot something. Run back in and make sure you cleaned all your hair out of the sink . . . girlfriends and wives hate it!

  Accessories

  Every real man’s man knows that the finishing touches to looking like a man’s man are the accessories. Accessories set the rookies apart from the hall of famers. In this section, we are going to cover cuff links, watches, ties, jewelry, and more. We ain’t talking charm bracelets here! If you’ve got a diamond-studded dollar sign that weighs more than a porterhouse steak hanging around your neck, you can close this book right now. A man’s man is subtle. He can certainly buy expensive things, but he does not try to advertise them on the Channel 2 News.

  Whether you’re with coworkers, at a family function, or on a date, the people you’re keeping company with will definitely notice when you’re wearing a nice watch or tie. It can start conversation and break the ice at a business meeting. It lets your date know that you have fine taste in jewelry (something she knows you can apply later when shopping for her). I’m gonna give you the rundown so you know what’s up. Remember, nothing too flashy, but nothing cheap. Cubic zirconia doesn’t exist in the world of a man’s man.

  Cuff Links

  Cuff links are an important part of what makes a suit look great. I would suggest buying a nice pair made of black onyx and silver; I have seen some great pairs in silver with a blue stone as well. There are, of course, expensive and less expensive options. But, no matter the price, the cuff links should complement your ensemble. Choose a pair that have something special about them, because if they catch your eye, they are bound to catch others’. If anything, I would suggest buying one great pair and wearing them to your heart’s content. A lot of men think people don’t notice these small details, but they do. A sharp pair of shiny cuff links might catch the eye of a prospective love interest, you never know. (No need to thank me when you walk down that aisle with your beautiful bride.)

  Money Clip

  Only babies keep their cash and cards in a Velcro-strip wallet and I don’t baby-sit. So, throw that wallet out! Ladies, if your guy has a fanny pack . . . proceed to the nearest exit. Shoving your cash in your pocket crumpled and loose with no form of a holder is a “no can do” as well. I suggest a nice money clip, which are sold all over. You can get either a leather, gold, or sterling silver clip. Any way you go, your cash will be kept neat and stylish. If you want to kick it up a notch, I suggest getting a silver money clip engraved with your initials. When you pull it out you’ll automatically look well put-together, cash and cards in tow. If you’re out with your lady friend on an important date, you don’t want your cash falling all over the place. Some morons just don’t seem to get it . . .

  Dear Frank.

  There was this real pretty girl who I was trying to get a date with for months. Finally, she agreed to go out with me for dinner. I felt like this was my big night. After some great conversation, drinks and a nice meal, the bill came. When I went to pull out my credit card, all of my stuff came flying out of my pocket, including a free drink card from a go-go bar that I had gone to the night before when I was out with the guys from the office. When my date tried to help me pick up all my stuff, she saw the go-go bar card. Needless to say, the rest of the night was a disaster. She never returned any of my phone calls or emails for a second date. I really blew it. How can I get her back?

  Larry

  Dear Lap Dance Larry,

  First of all, if you knew you were having a date with a “potential girlfriend type,” you should have had all your bases covered: nicely pressed shirt and pants, clean car, and a shaven face all mean nothing if she knows you go to strip clubs. Most guys go to them, but they certainly don’t advertise it to their dates. Get a money clip. And next time, throw out the free drink pass from that go-go bar—don’t be cheap!

  Frank

  Shades

  The correct shades are key. Whether you are cruising around in your ride or just going for a walk on a nice sunny day, you need the correct eyewear. Never, I repeat never, buy shades without trying them on first. Just because they look good in the case at the department store doesn’t mean they are going to complement your face. Fit, comfort, and sleekness are the keys to a great pair of sunglasses. Try on a few pairs; don’t be lazy about this. I know a lot of guys don’t enjoy trying things on. But “a buy without try” is never a smart move. Also, buying a pair of shades from a street vendor is not something a true man’s man does. Invest in a nice pair of quality shades that can take you from the boardroom to the beach and back again. If you don’t know what looks good on your face, ask the helpful person at your local department store. With these hints you’ll be looking like a stud.

  Tie/Handkerchief

  I like to wear ties that have a little pizazz to them, a little something that makes me stand apart from my crew. I always buy quality silk ties and I suggest you do the same. I have seen great ties for as little as $40 and upwards of $200. Listen, just because a tie is expensive doesn’t mean it’s a great tie. A smart way to make sure you’re going to look good is to check out what’s on the mannequins in the store. I like to see what the store puts together—it’s a great way to get it together without the guesswork. Do not buy ties with animals, tigers, Looney Toons characters, or SpongeBob on them. We’re talking classy, smooth, yet stylish ties that get you noticed in a good way. Not a “what the hell was he thinking?” way.

  Another great way to top off a sharp suit is with a handkerchief. No, not the same kind you use when you’ve got bronchitis—this type of handkerchief is for looks only. Take some notes from Diddy. He always has a sharp handkerchief in his pocket. Please note, a man’s man does not buy a tie and handkerchief set. Why? Because your handkerchief does not have to match your tie (but it should complement it.) My friend Dr. Dan recently wore a great custom suit to a party with a sharp cobalt blue tie and a light blue handkerchief. He looked great. If you have any questions, ask the man at your local department store to help you. That’s a very easy way to get yourself looking dapper.

  Car

  Yes, a car is an accessory for a man’s man. You do not have to be driving the best car on the block, but it definitely has to be clean at all times, especially if you’re going on a date. Recently, I gave a friend of mine a ride to the airport. He got in my car and said to me, “Frank, it’s so clean in here.” I replied, “Really? It’s the dirtiest it’s been in six months.” You see, people notice. Now, what I suggest is that a man’s man has an everyday car and a weekend car. The everyday car is something he drives to work, parks on the street; most important, it should get good gas mileage. With gas prices today, you gotta watch your money clip, fellas. But the weekend car should be something sporty, like a convertible for taking your lovely lady to the country, or your buddies to the shore. Once again, whatever car you have has to be clean! I am talking no gum wrappers, coffee or soda containers, empty cigarette packs, etc. Also, no fashion magazines left in the backseat from when you gave your sister a ride. Your girlfriend will think either you’re cheating on her or you’re gay. The car is a reflection of you, and you’re a man’s man . . . so smarten up!

  Watch

  As I said before, a quality timepiece is key. But remember, a man’s man does not need five watches. Quality, not quantity, is the key when watch hunting. If you need to save up for one then save, and when you’re ready to buy a man’s man-type of watch, buy just one great one—treat yourself to what you have always wanted. Besides, too many possessions just clutter your life. Now, I’m not going to name brands here, because each guy has different tastes and a watch is a personal choice. Just buy a watch that makes you feel good—you’ll know it when you see it. (However, if you’re looking in China-town, you’re in the wrong place, son.) Also, make sure it’s waterproof before you swan-dive into the pool.r />
  Jewelry

  Some people think that a man’s man doesn’t wear jewelry. That’s total hogwash. I’m not saying to overdo it like some guido from Bensonhurt wearing more chains than they have in the Diamond District; what I am saying is to add a few touches of jewelry to make your look shine. A lot of men are into bracelets—I wear one, too. You could wear a cool box chain necklace, or a nice cross. Once again, quality over quantity is the key here. Another cool man’s man accent is a pinky ring. Get your initials engraved in it. Have fun! Also, a married man always wears a wedding ring. It’s a great way to profess your love. (But be sure to have one made that looks different.) Just an FYI, if you have a body piercing, that’s fine. I just don’t want to know where it’s located!

  With this helpful information, you will be looking so hot that every supermodel around the globe will be hunting you down! OK, maybe that’s a little delusional. But a man’s man certainly likes to aim high. In closing, let me repeat: Keep your jewelry, watch, car and everything else on this list looking spic and span at all times. You want your accessories to look like they did the day you bought them. That says a lot about you as a person. A man’s man takes the time to maintain his belongings. Hey, you worked hard to get them, so why not take care of them?