Soul Matters
Page 27
“No, I didn’t. I was trying to because of what happened on Thanksgiving. At that time, I didn’t want to be with you because I thought you had betrayed me, but I hated the thought of you being happy with someone else.”
“But why?”
“I don’t know, Kevin—because I still loved you. I just didn’t like what I thought you had done.”
“Do you really love me, Wendy? Or do you love everything that I provide? Do you not want to get a divorce because you don’t want to give up the house, you want your car back, you don’t want to have to work—what is it? Is it me or is it all of the luxuries that come with me? That’s what I’m confused about. I’m trying to convince myself that you really loved me, but it’s hard. It’s very hard after everything that has happened.” He took his coat off the chair. “I need to go. I have a lot of work to catch up on tomorrow that I didn’t get to finish today.”
Wendy was crying so hard that the tears blurred her vision. “It’s you that I love. . . .”
Kevin grabbed her and she cried in his arms. “I’m so sorry,” she sobbed.
He kissed the top of her head. “Me too, baby . . . me too.” He let her go. “Take care,” he said before walking out of the room. He didn’t want to talk about the divorce right now. He needed to leave before Wendy saw his tears fall.
Wendy slumped into the rocking chair in Kimberly’s room and continued crying. God, I want him back. I want my husband back. Not his money, not his cars, but him. I am so sorry for everything. Please forgive me for what I did to him, but, more importantly, forgive me for what I did to our relationship . . . my relationship with You. She thought about all the ungodly decisions she had made since her separation with Kevin. I want back into Your throne of grace, she silently prayed.
She got up, made sure the door was locked, and turned on the alarm before going in her room. Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Wendy inadvertently recalled the words of Job when it seemed like God had turned against him. It was a strange recollection for her, considering it had been months since she’d even cracked open her Bible. She pulled it out from the nightstand and unzipped it. At least a dozen slips of paper fell out of it. Wendy laughed. She used to be embarrassed for others to use her Bible with all of the stuff she kept in it. Notes, Sunday programs, and even a few slips of paper with church members’ numbers could be found stashed inside. She bent over and picked up the items that had fallen. She noticed one Sunday program with the sermon title “When God Allows All Hell to Break Loose.”
The title caught her attention because she noticed the date. Pastor Jones preached this sermon on the day of her father’s fifty-fifth birthday. It was also the day before she went to the gynecologist and was diagnosed with chlamydia. She looked at the notes that were scribbled on the program. 3 Reasons Why God Allows Pain in Our Lives: 1.) Pain teaches us how to handle blessings humbly. 2.) It teaches us how to submit to God’s will. 3.) Pain and problems teach us to rely on God.
Wendy didn’t remember paying much attention that day, let alone taking notes. Her mind had been preoccupied with the phone call she had received from Dr. Korva’s office. A closer look at the program revealed that the notes were not taken by her; unbelievably, it was Kevin’s writing.
Wendy hadn’t gotten Pastor Jones’s message then, but she certainly understood it now. She had been frustrated with Kevin for months before that day. The main reason was because he wasn’t who she wanted him to be. She wanted him to be the perfect Christian husband. She desired for him to go to church every Sunday, go to Bible study, pray, fast, and participate in various ministries. He didn’t do any of it, and it angered her. Could God have possibly allowed things to go haywire in her life to show her that she wasn’t as perfect as she had thought? In one year alone, she had told numerous lies, almost had an abortion, and even knocked on the door of adultery.
After all of that, she had no choice but to be humble, submit to God’s will, and rely on Him for strength and direction. If her marriage with Kevin was ever going to work out, Wendy realized that she had to let go of the steering wheel and let God take control. Every problem, every challenge, and every hurt feeling had to be left in the Master’s Hands.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Only God Knows
ONLY A COUPLE OF WEEKS BEFORE EASTER, and Marlene had let another afternoon pass without getting what she needed to make Easter baskets for her grandchildren. I’ll get the stuff this weekend, she promised herself on the way home. Unlike the other days when she neglected to go shopping, Marlene felt that her time today had been well spent. She had been at the senior center with her mother the entire afternoon. It was the best visit the two of them had together since Frances moved out. It had been only within the last couple of weeks that Marlene had worked up the strength to see her mother. Prior to visiting, she would speak with Frances on the telephone, but even that was hard at first because Marlene felt so betrayed. However, she prayed her way through the pain, and consequently the bitterness of the betrayal didn’t take root in her heart.
Frances had become a different person. She was cheerful and so full of energy. She had also gotten involved in several activities at the center. Today, Marlene had accompanied Frances to her sewing class, Bible study, and then they ate lunch together. Marlene really enjoyed herself. She couldn’t recall the last time she and her mother had shared so many laughs. Today was symbolic of Frances’s desire to be forgiven and Marlene’s willingness to forgive. Before she left, Marlene made sure to tell Frances that she loved her. Frances gave a huge smile and said, “I love you too, baby.”
The phone was ringing when Marlene entered the house. She dropped her purse on the floor and ran to answer it before the voice mail kicked in. She figured it was Michael calling to see what she was preparing for dinner. She had planned to cook steaks, but had forgotten to take the meat out of the freezer before she left the house earlier.
Marlene hurriedly answered the phone. “Hello?”
“Hi, this is Barbara from the Lovelace Senior Center. May I speak with Marlene, please?”
“This is she. Is everything all right?” Marlene asked nervously. She had just left there thirty minutes ago.
“Well . . .”
“What’s wrong?”
“A staff member found your mother on the bathroom floor. We don’t know if she slipped and fell somehow or if she passed out, but she’s being taken to Grant Mercy Hospital as we speak.”
“Oh no!” Marlene panicked. “I’m on my way.” She hung up the phone and raced out of the house.
“Are you all right?” Terrance asked Kim as they walked down the hall of the intensive care unit.
“Yeah, I’m straight,” she said quietly.
Frances had been hospitalized due to her passing out at the senior center yesterday. Her prognosis wasn’t good. Even with the pacemaker that had been installed last summer, her heartbeat was less than thirty percent of the normal rate. The doctors weren’t sure what to do this time. They discussed installing a different type of pacemaker, but feared that her heart muscle was too weak right now for the surgery. It was a no-win situation, because either way Frances risked dying.
When Kim first received the phone call that her grandmother was in the hospital and that Frances had asked to see her, she was nervous. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see Frances; she was just apprehensive and wasn’t sure what to say. The two of them hadn’t spoken since the day Kim went off on her.
Frances E. Gibson, read the handwritten tag on the outside of her room. Terrance gently squeezed Kim’s hand, and she took a deep breath as he opened the door and the two of them went inside.
The sound of beeping monitors cut through the stillness in the air. Kim’s stomach churned when she saw her grandmother’s sedated body. Her eyes were closed, and several tubes ran through her arms and nose. Kim was not used to seeing Frances look so vulnerable, and it scared her. She almost preferred to see the strong-willed, obstinate woman rather than the sick individual
who lay before her.
“There you are.” Marlene rose to greet her daughter and future son-in-law with a hug. “You’ve just missed your sister and daddy. They left about ten minutes ago to get some food. I told them to pick up something for y’all just in case you hadn’t eaten.”
“Thanks, but I’m not hungry,” Terrance said.
“Me neither,” Kim responded.
Marlene turned her attention to Pastor Jones. “Have you ever formally met Terrance?”
Pastor Jones stood up and shook his hand. “No, not really, but I’ve seen him at the church a few times. How are you doing, young man?”
“I’m fine, sir, thank you.”
“Kim, it’s always good to see you, sweetheart,” Pastor Jones said and gave her a hug.
“You too.” Kim turned her attention to Marlene. “How is she?” she asked out of concern for Frances’s well-being.
“She’s doing a little better than she was when they first brought her in,” she answered. “They had her on oxygen until a few hours ago. If you ask me, she still needs to be on it, but she claims she’s all right.”
“Why did they take the oxygen off of her?” Kim further inquired.
“Her vitals were looking pretty good and they told her that if she felt fine without the mask, they could leave it off for a while. She has an emergency button on her bed to press if she needs to. I’m concerned because she seems short of breath when she talks. I can’t discern whether she’s gasping for air or just taking really deep breaths.”
“I’m . . . fine,” Frances said, opening her eyes. She had woken up in time to hear the last part of Marlene’s statement.
“Okay, Mama. If you say so.”
“Hi, Ms. Gibson.”
Frances turned her head and smiled when she saw Terrance standing next to Kim. “How . . . long have . . . y’all been here?”
“We just got here a few minutes ago,” Terrance answered.
“Hello, Kim . . .”
“Hi, Gramma,” she whispered.
“I’m going to leave now. I have a few errands that I need to finish,” Pastor Jones announced. “You take care, Sister Frances.” He patted her arm. “I’ll stop by and check on you later.”
“Okay, thanks for coming.”
“No problem. God bless you, darling.” Pastor Jones turned to Terrance. “I’m sure I’ll be seein’ you around.”
“Yes sir,” Terrance said as the two of them shook hands again.
“Terrance, why don’t you and I walk out with Pastor Jones?” Marlene suggested, hinting to Terrance that they should let Frances and Kim be alone.
“Oh . . . okay,” Terrance said, feeling he didn’t have much of a choice. He’d picked up on what was going on as well as Kim.
Kim’s knees began to get weak. She was not prepared to visit her grandmother alone. She would have been at the hospital sooner, but she had waited until Terrance came home. He had been out with his cousin looking at tuxedos for the wedding. When he returned, Kim told him about the phone call she’d received from her mother. They dropped the kids off at his parents’ house and then came to the hospital.
“Have a . . . seat,” Frances said to Kim after everyone else had left the room.
She clutched her purse and obediently sat down in the chair next to Frances’s bed. It was hard for Kim to look directly at her, so she tried to look past her and still appear to be attentive.
“Kim . . .”
“Yes ma’am,” she answered.
“I know you’re probably still mad at me. . . .”
“I—”
Frances held up her hand. “It’s okay. . . . You have ev’ry right to be.” That comment surprised Kim, and she looked at Frances. “I just wanna say that I’m sorry.”
She’s sorry? She has never apologized to me for anything before. Kim was bewildered and continued listening.
“For years . . . I hated myself because of . . . what happened to my husband. I became a prisoner of my past. Instead of comin’ clean, I allowed my life to be driven . . . by guilt. . . . I turned my self-hatred outward. I took my frustrations with myself out on others. Especially those who made mistakes. I took a lot out on you.”
Kim spoke softly, “Why?”
“Honey, I can’t say for sure. There’s . . . no rational . . . explanation for how I have treated you. . . . I know I can’t take back any . . . anything . . . that I have said but I . . . at least want you to know that I am sorry . . . and I want to thank you.”
“For what?”
“For givin’ me the chance to be set free . . . free from the burden of guilt that I . . . carried since your mother was a baby. . . . It was hard at first, but I feel that I have . . . enjoyed my life more these last few months . . . than for the last fifty-two years. You know . . . for years I professed to be saved, but because of bitterness that I harbored in my heart, I wasn’t really livin’ a Christian life.”
She has been given way too much medication, Kim thought. The grandmother she knew would never have made such a confession.
“You see, I was in church, but Christ wasn’t really in me.” Frances tried to give a short chuckle, but ended up coughing instead.
Kim jumped up out of concern. “Do you need me to push the emergency button?”
Frances shook her head no. She tried to reach for her water, but couldn’t quite get it. Kim picked it up and held it while she sipped from the straw.
“Thank you,” Frances was able to say.
“You’re welcome,” Kim said before putting the water down and sitting back in the chair.
“As I was tryin’ to say . . . I know now that I wasn’t an exemplary Christian. . . . I tricked myself into believin’ that I was ’cuz I knew the Bible.” Frances gave a sly smile and looked at the ceiling. “I knew the Bible so well that I could pour out scriptures like I was pourin’ a glass of water.”
Kim laughed.
“I knew that book from Genesis to Revelation. . . . I spoke the words, but I did not bear the fruit of the Spirit referred to in Galatians 5: 22. . . . I didn’t have love, joy, and I definitely didn’t have peace, not to mention the others.” Frances looked directly at Kim. “Your mama tells me that you are becomin’ more and more involved in the church.”
“Yeah, I guess you could say that.”
“Have you . . . accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?”
“No, not really. I’m trying, though.”
“Honey, it’s not hard, trust me. . . .You don’t need to try, just do it.”
“But I was going to wait until after the wedding. Terrance and I aren’t married yet, and I know it won’t look right with us living together.”
“Are y’all havin’ relations?”
Relations? Now that’s definitely something an older person would say. Kim wanted to laugh but couldn’t because Frances was serious. “We’re sleeping together, like in the same bed, but we’re not sleeping together as far as intimacy is concerned.” Did you just hear what you said? You’re telling her about your and Terrance’s sexual intimacy! Kim couldn’t believe what was happening. She and Frances had never engaged in this kind of conversation before.
“How much longer do you have before the wedding?”
“It’s the first weekend in August. Not too long after Kimberly’s first birthday.”
“Listen to me. . . . Don’t wait to ask Jesus into your life. You and Terrance can make alternate livin’ arrangements until August if that’s what it’s gonna take. But don’t wait. . . . Tomorrow is not promised. Don’t do like I did and take chances with your soul.”
Kim nodded.
“I’m serious, baby. . . . I’m just glad God has given me another chance. He really didn’t have to. . . . He could have snatched me from the face of this earth a long time ago. But He showed undeservin’ mercy on me. He has given me a chance to make it right before He takes me home.”
“Don’t talk like that.” Kim started to get teary-eyed. “You’re gonna be okay.”
Frances reached out her hand for Kim to hold. Tears fell onto Kim’s cheeks as she saw her grandmother crying. “I wanna tell you exactly how I feel.” She squeezed Kim’s hand. “I am so proud of you. You have grown up to be a beautiful and smart young lady.” Frances paused for a moment. “I know you might not believe me. I really can’t blame you, considerin’ the way I’ve treated you all these years. I’m glad . . . you came. I asked the Lord to keep me alive long enough so that I could tell you that I’m sorry and that . . . I love you.”
“I . . . love you too,” Kim managed to say despite the tightness in her throat. She couldn’t stop the waterfall from her eyes.
A nurse entered the room. “Ms. Gibson, I need to check your tubes. We’re getting some strange numbers on our screens out there.”
Kim got up so she could move out of the nurse’s way. “Gramma, I’ll be back. I’m gonna get Mama.”
“Okay, baby. . . . Bye . . .” Frances said before Kim walked out of the door. “Thanks for coming.”
“I’ll be right back in a few minutes, I promise.” Kim wiped her face before going out into the waiting room. This time with her grandmother was something that she definitely had needed. It gave her a new outlook on their relationship. Kim was looking forward to the day when Frances got out of the hospital. She was eager to talk to her about Shelly’s idea about acknowledging her during the wedding ceremony. Shelly’s suggestion had been completely rejected after Kim found out about Harold. Now it was at the forefront, but this time Kim would ask Frances because she wanted to and not because Shelly suggested it to her.
“Are you okay?” Marlene asked her daughter when she walked into the waiting room. She noticed that Kim had been crying.