Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  CAPA, Robert (1913–54), US photojournalist, born Andrei Freidmann in Hungary.

  1 Capa was in the Basque town of Bilbao in 1937 during the German bombing. He was out photographing when a German plane swooped low overhead. With two other men he jumped for shelter into a ditch. Thinking that he needed somehow to introduce himself, Capa turned to his companions. “I am a photographer,” he said. “I am a Basque Catholic,” said the second man. The last man snarled, “Those are two professions that are of no use at this moment.”

  CAPONE, Al (1899–1947), US gangster of Italian birth. He dominated the Chicago underworld in the 1920s.

  1 The US Bureau of Internal Revenue astounded Capone by demanding millions of dollars in back taxes. “They can’t collect legal taxes from illegal money,” he objected.

  {They could; in 1931 Capone was imprisoned for tax evasion.}

  CAPUS, Alfred (1858–1922), French playwright and novelist.

  1 Capus attended a rehearsal of a play in which an incredibly bad performance was given by the ingenue in the main female role. “How could such an important part be given to such an inexperienced ninny?” Capus demanded of the director. The director explained that the show’s producer was “interested” in the girl. “Ah, bon,” said Capus, “but that’s not brought out enough in the first act.”

  CARAY, Harry (1920–98), US ballpark announcer.

  1 Born Harry Carabina, Caray became legendary for his work as a stadium announcer, first for the Cardinals and then for the Cubs. A hard drinker, he loved to rouse the fans to sing “Take Me out to the Ball Game” and kept up a steady patter of witty remarks throughout the games. At one point he was said to have gotten romantically involved with a woman who had married into the Busch family — the owners of the Cardinals. He resigned his job, saying, “I’d rather have people believing the rumor and have my middle-aged ego inflated than deny it and keep my job.”

  2 In 1968 Caray was hit by a car as he crossed the street, breaking his shoulder, nose, and both legs. The next season, on Opening Day, he stumbled out of the dugout as he was announced to the crowd. Crossing the foul line he threw away one cane; heading into the field he threw away the other. The crowd roared as he walked unaided to the field microphone. “Well, it’s all show business,” he said. “I hadn’t needed those canes in weeks.”

  CARDANO, Girolamo (1501–76), Italian mathematician and astrologer.

  1 Cardano was renowned throughout Europe as an astrologer, even visiting England to cast the horoscope of the young king, Edward VI. A steadfast believer in the accuracy of his so-called science, Cardano constructed a horoscope predicting the hour of his own death. When the day dawned, it found him in good health and safe from harm. Rather than have his prediction falsified, Cardano killed himself.

  Caesarius of Heisterbach (c. 1170–c. 1240), Cistercian monk and medieval chronicler, tells of a Cistercian lay brother who was heard to pray to Christ: “Lord, if Thou free me not from this temptation, I will complain of Thee to Thy mother.”

  — WILL DURANT,

  The Story of Civilization, IV

  CARDOZO, Benjamin (1870–1938), US Supreme Court Justice.

  1 A group of Supreme Court justices once took an outing by boat as a break from the pressures of the law. Justice Cardozo, well known for his courtroom dispassionateness, began to feel seasick. A colleague, noticing his discomfort, hurried over to him and asked whether there was anything he could do. “Yes,” replied the judge, “overrule the motion.”

  CARÊME, Marie-Antoine (1783–1833), gastronome and the first famed French chef.

  1 One of fifteen children born to an impoverished family, Carême was eleven when his father led him by the hand into a strange neighborhood of Paris and, leaving him there, bid him find his fortune. As night fell he went to the first lighted window he saw, which was that of a bakery. Over the next thirty-eight years Carême perfected his craft to become the greatest chef in Europe, cooking for Talleyrand and Napoleon, among others. Near the end of his relatively short life he commented on his years in the great kitchens of the world. “The charcoal is killing us, but what does it matter? The fewer the years, the greater the glory.”

  CARILLO, Mary (1957–), US tennis player.

  1 On being called, in a frenzy of adulation, “the best woman tennis player or anything else with the word woman in it,” Carillo snapped, “I don’t want to be graded on a curve.”

  CARLETON, Henry Guy (1856–1910), US playwright and wit.

  1 Carleton suffered from a stutter, but he did not let that worry him unduly. Greeting his friend Nat Goodwin, the comedian, he said, “G-G-Goodwin, c-c-can you sp-p-pare m-m-me f-f-fifteen m-m-minutes?”

  “Certainly, what is it?”

  “I w-w-want f-f-five m-m-minutes’ c-c-conversation w-w-with you.”

  CARLOS I (1863–1908), king of Portugal (1889–1908).

  1 At the end of a visit to England King Carlos was asked by his host, King Edward VII, which aspects of the country had impressed him most. “The roast beef,” replied the Portuguese monarch. “Is that all?” pursued his host, mildly disappointed. King Carlos pondered, then said, “Well, the boiled beef is quite good too.”

  CARLTON, Steve (1944–), US baseball player.

  1 Known as “Lefty,” the four-time Cy Young Award–winning pitcher Carlton was unusually reserved, keeping his life very private and rarely giving interviews to the press. So silent and distant was he that when the St. Paul Pioneer–Press published a photo of the 1987 World Champion Twins meeting with the President at the White House, he — wearing sunglasses — was identified as “unnamed Secret Service agent.”

  2 Carlton was so angry with Philadelphia’s sports reporters that he stopped talking with them entirely. Even during the postgame party celebrating the Phillies’ victory in the 1980 World Series, he was silent, preferring to celebrate alone, away from journalists’ questions. Later in his career, as his game faltered and he bounced from team to team, Carlton began opening up to reporters, boasting about highlights of games he had played and predicting great things for the future. Said one scribe, “Carlton finally learned to say hello when it was time to say goodbye.”

  CARLYLE, Thomas (1795–1881), British historian, born in Scotland.

  1 (When Carlyle had completed the first part of The French Revolution, he lent the whole manuscript to John Stuart Mill, who had aided him with advice and loans of books. Carlyle’s Journal for March 7, 1835, takes up the story:)

  “Last night at tea, Mill’s rap was heard at the door: he entered pale, unable to speak; gasped out to my wife to go down and speak with Mrs. Taylor [whom Mill later married]; and came forward (led by my hand, and astonished looks) the very picture of desperation. After various inarticulate utterances to merely the same effect, he informs me that my First Volume (left out by him in too careless a manner, after or while reading it) was except four or five bits of leaves irrevocably ANNIHILATED! I remember and can still remember less of it than of anything I ever wrote with such toil. It is gone, the whole world and myself backed by it could not bring that back: nay the old spirit too is fled. I find it took five months of steadfast, occasionally excessive, and always sickly and painful toil. — Mill very injudiciously stayed with us till late; and I had to make an effort and speak, as if indifferent, about other common matters: he left us however in a relapsed state. …”

  2 Carlyle found that the American Civil War confirmed his somber views on the human condition. “There they are cutting each other’s throats, because one half of them prefer hiring their servants for life, and the other by the hour.”

  3 Commenting on the marriage of Thomas and Jane Welsh Carlyle, a mutual acquaintance suggested to Tennyson that it was a pity because with anybody else each might have been quite happy. Tennyson disagreed: “By any other arrangement four people would have been unhappy instead of two.”

  4 Carlyle was among those who used to provide financial aid to Leigh Hunt, who was notoriously careless about money. (He su
ggested the character of Harold Skimpole to Charles Dickens when the latter was writing Bleak House.) A friend calling on Carlyle, who was not rich himself at that time, noticed two gold sovereigns lying on the mantel and inquired what they were for. Carlyle tried to fob him off with an evasive answer, but his visitor persisted. “Well,” said Carlyle reluctantly, “the fact is, Leigh Hunt likes better to find them there than that I should give them to him.”

  5 Carlyle was walking with Ralph Waldo Emerson in his native Scotland. Emerson found the landscape quite rough and asked his companion what crops could possibly grow there. Carlyle responded, “We grow men.”

  CARNEGIE, Andrew (1835–1919), Scottish-born US businessman and philanthropist. He considered that the rich had a responsibility toward society.

  1 Andrew Carnegie was a generous supporter of the New York Philharmonic Society, meeting its annual deficits in its early years. One year the society’s secretary came as usual to Carnegie’s mansion, this time requesting a subvention of $60,000. Carnegie was just about to sign the check when he paused and said, “No, I’ve changed my mind. Surely there are other people who like music enough to help with their own money.” He then told the secretary to go out and raise half the necessary amount, promising to match it with the other half when this had been done.

  The following day the secretary was back at the Carnegie mansion, announcing that he had raised the requisite money. Carnegie commended the man’s enterprise and wrote out and signed his check for $30,000. As he handed it over he said, “Would you mind telling me who gave you the other half?”

  “Not at all. Mrs. Carnegie.”

  2 Carnegie did not marry until he was fifty-one, although in earlier years he had sought the company of various eligible girls. When one of these married a rival, he said complacently, “If anybody else in the world can win her, I don’t want her.”

  3 A fervent socialist visiting Carnegie spoke at some length about the evils of capitalism and the need for the fair distribution of wealth. Carnegie called his secretary and asked for two figures: the total value of his assets and possessions, and the latest estimate of the world population. After a simple calculation he instructed his secretary: “Give this gentleman sixteen cents. That’s his share of my wealth.”

  4 Questioning Frank Doubleday about the publishing business, Carnegie asked bluntly, “How much did you make last month?” Doubleday tried to dodge the question, explaining that publishing profits could not be calculated on a month-to-month basis. Carnegie was unimpressed. “Frank,” he said, “I’d get out of it.”

  5 Once Carnegie was going over his accounts with his secretary and asked how much money he had given away over the course of his life. $324,657,399, he was told. “Good Heavens!” exclaimed Carnegie. “Where did I ever get all that money?”

  CAROL II (1893–1953), king of Rumania (1930–40).

  1 While in exile King Carol told his friend, the British diplomat Sir Robert Bruce Lockhart, that during his reign he had selected fourteen of the brightest Rumanians for special training in the government service. He sent seven to England and seven to the United States, to study their political and economic systems. “The seven who went to England were very smart — they all achieved great success in the government in Bucharest,” said Carol.

  “What about the seven you sent to the States?” asked Lockhart.

  “They were even smarter,” said the king. “They stayed there.”

  CAROLINE, Duchesse de Berri (1798–1870), Italian wife of Charles Ferdinand, Duc de Berri (1778–1820), son of Charles X of France.

  1 The Duc de Berri was a notorious libertine, a fact to which his wife was quite resigned. In 1820 she was visited by about a score of women from Nantes, all of them claiming to be with child by the duke. The duchess asked one of her household how long the duke had been at Nantes. “A week, madame.”

  “Ah, then in that case, it’s quite possible,” sighed the duchess.

  CAROLINE of Ansbach (1683–1737), wife of George II, king of Great Britain and Ireland (1727–60).

  1 Queen Caroline went to see an exhibition of portraits of English royalty by the painter Jonathan Richardson. She observed the picture of the plain-looking Cromwell hung between Charles I and Charles II. To the artist she said, “Surely that personage is not a king.”

  “No, madam,” replied Richardson. “He is no king, but it’s good for kings to have him among them as a memento.”

  2 Though George II was notoriously unfaithful to Queen Caroline and kept a series of mistresses, when she lay on her deathbed he was sincerely grieved and sat weeping. The dying queen begged him to marry again, but George replied through his tears, “No, I shall have mistresses.”

  “Ah, that need not hinder you,” said Queen Caroline.

  CAROLINE of Brunswick (1768–1821), wife of King George IV of Britain.

  1 When the then Prince of Wales first set eyes on his future wife at St. James’s Palace in April 1795, he was appalled at her graceless appearance. As etiquette demanded, he kissed her and then, stepping back, called out to his aide, “I am unwell; bring me a glass of brandy.”

  2 At her trial in 1820 before the House of Lords, various salacious details of Caroline’s behavior on her foreign travels were produced in evidence against her. One line of inquiry concerned her conduct with the dey (governor) of Algiers. The chief justice, Lord Norbury, remarked, “She was happy as the dey was long.”

  3 When Caroline returned to England in 1820, popular enthusiasm for her was intense. George IV and his ministers, determined to prevent her establishing her position as queen, were threatened by mobs on the London streets. The Duke of Wellington was accosted by a group of men armed with pickaxes, who demanded that he express his loyalty to Caroline. The duke replied, “Well, gentlemen, since you will have it so, ‘God save the Queen’ — and may all your wives be like her!”

  4 George IV’s groom of the bedchamber announced to him the portentous news of Napoleon’s death: “Sir, your bitterest enemy is dead.”

  “Is she, by God!” exclaimed Caroline’s husband.

  CAROTO, Giovanni Francesco (c. 1480–1555), Italian painter of the Veronese school.

  1 A priest objected to Caroto’s figures on the grounds that he made them too lascivious. “If painted figures move you so,” retorted the artist, “how are you to be trusted with living flesh and blood?”

  2 Caroto had executed a painting for the Chapel of the Cross at San Bernadino. The picture, portraying Christ kneeling before his mother, was criticized by the guardian of the monastery, who thought that Christ should have been kneeling on both knees to show true reverence to her. By way of reply Caroto asked the guardian to kneel down and stand up again. This he did, grudgingly, lowering his right knee to the ground first as he knelt and raising his left leg first as he rose. When he was standing again, Caroto said to him, “Did you observe, Father Guardian, that you neither knelt down nor stood up with both knees together? This Christ of mine is correct, because one might say he is either coming to his knees before his mother or, having knelt a while, is in the process of rising.”

  CARROLL, James (1943–), US novelist.

  1 (Carroll once told the following story:)

  “On the occasion of the publication of my novel Mortal Friends in 1978, I was honored with a special tour of the Little, Brown warehouse in a suburb of Boston. My host and tour guide, a Little, Brown executive, showed me the assembly line along which workers wrapped, boxed, and mailed off books to wholesalers and bookstores. At one point he introduced me to one of the workers who said, ‘Mr. Carroll, we all just love your book.’

  “I took that as the greatest compliment an author could receive. To think that these workers had actually troubled to read my book.

  “But then she went on. ‘We just love it. It’s the perfect size for packing.’”

  CARROLL, Lewis [Charles Lutwidge Dodgson] (1832–98), British mathematician and author of Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass.

 
; 1 Queen Victoria was so delighted with Alice in Wonderland that she had a letter sent to the author stating that Her Majesty would be graciously pleased to accept any other works by the same pen. She was somewhat disconcerted to receive in due course a copy of Dodgson’s Syllabus of Plane Algebraical Geometry.

  2 (The amusement Lewis Carroll derived from logical problems is illustrated in an anecdote related by his younger cousin, Alice Raikes.)

  “The room they had entered had a tall mirror standing in one corner. Dodgson gave his cousin an orange and asked her which hand she held it in. When she replied, ‘The right,’ he asked her to stand before the glass and tell him in which hand the little girl in the mirror was holding it. ‘The left hand,’ came the puzzled reply. ‘Exactly,’ said Dodgson, ‘and how do you explain that?’ Alice Raikes did her best: ‘If I was on the other side of the glass,’ she said, ‘wouldn’t the orange still be in my right hand?’ Years later she remembered his laugh. ‘Well done, little Alice,’ he said. ‘The best answer I’ve had yet.’”

  3 Carroll caught a cold on a walk near his room at Christ Church College, Oxford, and died shortly thereafter. At his funeral, one of the floral wreaths placed near his bier stated simply, “Alice.”

  CARSON, Johnny (1925–), US television entertainer, longtime host of the Tonight show.

  1 When Carson signed for the Tonight show, he was so beset by reporters that he compiled a list of ten answers to which the journalists could furnish the questions to suit. They were: “1. Yes, I did. 2. Not a bit of truth in that rumor. 3. Only twice in my life, both times on Saturday. 4. I can do either, but I prefer the first. 5. No. Kumquats. 6. I can’t answer that question. 7. Toads and tarantulas. 8. Turkestan, Denmark, Chile, and the Komandorskie Islands. 9. As soon as possible, but I’m not very good at it yet. I need much more practice. 10. It happened to some old friends of mine, and it’s a story I’ll never forget.”