Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  2 Actress Angie Dickinson was a frequent guest on Carson’s show. One night she appeared wearing a peculiar-looking flowing red outfit. Carson jokingly asked why she was wearing pyjamas, then pursued the subject, asking, “Do you dress for men or for women?” “Well,” said Dickinson, “I dress for women, and I undress for men.”

  3 Once when Carson announced a station break for a Sara Lee commercial, he paused to joke that actually no one had ever seen Sara Lee, and that she was probably “some little alcoholic old lady in the Midwest” who was drunk much of the time. The show’s sponsor could not have been more displeased — the owner of Sara Lee had named the product for his beloved young daughter.

  4 Carson was struck during the 1976 presidential campaign by the bland, uninspiring nature of both Jimmy Carter’s and Gerald Ford’s campaigns. He noted that making a choice between the two candidates would be very difficult, saying, “It boils down to fear of the unknown versus fear of the known.”

  CARTER, Jimmy (1924–), US politician, 39th President of the United States (1977–81).

  1 During the 1976 presidential election Jimmy Carter’s wife, Rosalynn, was asked what her husband had that his opponent Gerald Ford didn’t. “He has me,” she said simply.

  2 As he campaigned by bus in the summer of 1976, Carter told reporters that they had in fact treated him pretty well. “Compared to what?” they asked. “To the way you treated Nixon,” he said.

  3 In 1976 Carter attended a party in Los Angeles thrown in his honor by Warren Beatty. The crowd was largely Hollywood people, a group that had not previously met the Georgia governor. Just before leaving the scene of the festivities Carter, a straight-laced Southern Baptist, noted, “It is a real thrill to meet the famous people here tonight. I hope I don’t get to know too much about you!”

  4 For all his religious fervor, Carter was still a competitive politician. He once noted, “Show me a good loser, and I’ll show you a loser.”

  5 Carter’s devout Southern Baptist background frequently led reporters to question him on his stance on moral issues. “How would you feel if you were told that your daughter was having an affair?” a reporter asked him. “Shocked and overwhelmed,” replied Carter, adding, “but then, she’s only seven years old.”

  6 Before moving into the White House Mrs. Carter was anxious to discover whether the chef there could cook the kind of meals the Carters enjoyed at home in the South. “Yes, ma’am,” was the reply. “We’ve been fixing that kind of food for the servants for a long time.”

  7 Carter was asked, in the spring of 1979, whether his young daughter, Amy, ever boasted about her father’s presidential status. Mindful of the heavy criticism that his administration was attracting, Carter replied, “No, she probably apologizes.”

  8 With candor rare among celebrities, the President’s daughter, Amy Carter, when asked by a reporter if she had any message for the children of America, answered: “No.”

  9 While visiting Egypt on a state visit he was told that the Great Pyramid of Giza had taken twenty years to build. “I’m surprised that a government organization could do it that quickly,” Carter said.

  10 During the 1980 presidential campaign Carter, as the incumbent, increasingly referred to his experience in the job and warned that Ronald Reagan, the Republican nominee, was too much of a novice to become President. Replied Reagan, “I haven’t had Jimmy Carter’s experience. I wouldn’t be caught dead with it.”

  CARTLAND, Barbara (1902–2000), British novelist specializing in popular romances.

  1 Barbara Cartland came into remote contact with royal circles when her daughter Raine’s stepdaughter became the Princess of Wales in 1981. When Miss Cartland was interviewed for the BBC radio program Today, the woman interviewer asked her whether she thought that class barriers had broken down in Britain. “Of course they have,” replied Cartland, “or I wouldn’t be sitting here talking to someone like you.”

  CARUSO, Enrico (1873–1921), Italian tenor renowned for his roles in the operas of Verdi and Puccini.

  1 Caruso was caught in the great 1906 San Francisco earthquake and fire. He swore he would never again go back to such a city, “where disorders like that are permitted.”

  2 A group of reporters once asked him what he thought of Babe Ruth. Caruso, who was unfailingly polite and amiable, replied that he didn’t know because unfortunately he had never heard her sing.

  3 Caruso once reported an extraordinary conversation with a lady who was anxious to learn to sing, believing it possible that within a month she would be a recognized artist. “I’m leaving the country next month,” she said, “and need twenty-five lessons before my departure.”

  “Impossible, madam.”

  “Why? Couldn’t I take two lessons each day?”

  “True enough,” said Caruso. “I hadn’t thought of that. But in that case why not take all twenty-five lessons in one day?”

  “Splendid,” exclaimed the future diva. “We do it tomorrow.”

  CARVER, George Washington (1864–1943), US agricultural researcher, the son of black slaves.

  1 Carver lost his entire life savings, some $70,000, in the crash of the Alabama bank in which the money was deposited. Carver, however, was apparently unperturbed. “I guess somebody found a use for it,” he remarked. “I was not using it myself.”

  CASALS, Pablo (1876–1973), Spanish cellist and conductor.

  1 Casals found his greatest fulfillment in conducting, which he always wanted to do even when, at the height of his career as a cellist, he had little time for anything outside his cello performances. On his first American tour in 1901 a falling rock injured the fingers of his left hand. His first reaction was: “Thank God I won’t have to play the cello anymore.”

  2 At his Viennese debut Casals suffered from nerves. When he came to pick up his bow to play the first note, he found that his hand was too tense. To loosen it he tried a little twirl, but the bow flew from his fingers and landed in the middle of the orchestra. As it was carefully passed back to him along the rows of musicians, he remembered his mother’s maxim about calmness and steadiness in the pursuit of one’s purpose. By the time the bow was returned to him his hand was steady. The concert was one of his greatest triumphs.

  3 While playing a piece that she knew well and had played many times, a pupil suffered a lapse of memory. Casals said, “Fine — everything should be new every time you play it.”

  4 (The famous photographer Yousuf Karsh remembers photographing Casals with his back to the camera. Karsh recalls:)

  “I was so moved on listening to him play Bach that I could not for some moments attend to photography. I have never posed anyone else facing away from the camera, but it seemed just right.

  “Years later when the photograph was on exhibition at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston, I was told that every day an elderly gentleman would come and stand for many minutes in front of it. Full of curiosity, a curator finally inquired gingerly, ‘Sir, why do you come here and stand in front of this picture?’

  “He was met with a withering glance and the admonition, ‘Hush, young man. Can’t you see I am listening to the music!’”

  CASSATT, Mary (1845–1926), expatriate US artist and promoter of the Impressionists.

  1 Mary Cassatt was always generous in her praise of her fellow Impressionists, but never of her own work. At an exhibition one day she was talking with some people who did not know her. “But you are forgetting a foreign painter that Degas ranks very high,” said one of the strangers in the course of the conversation. “Who is that?” Mary Cassatt inquired with interest. “Mary Cassatt,” came the reply. “Oh, nonsense!” exclaimed the artist with conviction. “She’s jealous,” murmured the stranger as he turned away.

  Frank Case was manager of the Algonquin Hotel in New York City. He would never charge the Algonquin Round Table celebrities for their lunches, but this did not stop them from saying what they thought of the food he served. On one occasion they declared it inedible and arranged
to have their food sent over from the Colony the following week. The week after that the group, doubtless feeling that they had made their point, assembled at the Algonquin as usual and were greeted by small cards that Case had put on their table, saying, “Basket parties welcome.” No one was embarrassed.

  — CASKIE STINNETT, Travels with Marc

  CASTIGLIONE, Nicchia, Countess di (1837–99), aristocratic beauty at the court of Empress Eugénie, wife of Napoleon III.

  1 The countess’s public appearances in a state of virtual undress caused considerable scandal. At a diplomatic ball she appeared dressed as the Queen of Hearts, her breasts covered only by a strip of gauze onto which two hearts had been sewn to conceal the nipples, and another heart sewn onto her transparent skirt concealing her vaginal mound, but leaving her pubic hair clearly visible. Empress Eugénie looked at her and said, “Countess, your heart seems a little low.”

  CASTLEROSSE, Valentine Browne, Lord (1891–1943), Irish nobleman.

  1 “Gross in appetite and appearance, with nimble wit concealed beneath buffoon’s exterior, Lord Castlerosse was Beaverbrook’s court jester. ‘What is your handicap?’ Nancy Cunard asked him on the golf-course. ‘Drink and debauchery,’ he answered sadly but correctly.”

  CASTRACANI, Castruccio (1281–1328), Italian condottiere, later nobleman.

  1 The Quatigiani family of Lucca had been Castracani’s friends and supporters. They quarreled, and after Castracani defeated them, he treated them with the utmost severity. One of his advisers warned him that people were censuring him for dealing so harshly with his old friends. “I am not dealing with old friends,” was the reply, “but with new enemies.”

  CASTRO, Fidel (1927–), Cuban revolutionist and political leader.

  1 A meeting in 1959 between then Vice President Richard Nixon and Fidel Castro turned out, as might have been expected, to be a disaster. Just before the meeting, as the Cuban delegation waited, a functionary entered, announced as “Mister So-and-So, in charge of Cuban Affairs.” To which Castro replied, “And I thought I was in charge of Cuban affairs.”

  2 On a flight to New York in 1960, Fidel turned to Ramiro Valdes and asked if there would be an escort plane accompanying them. Valdes stuttered out a no. “We’re in danger. If I were running the CIA, I’d shoot down the plane at sea and report the whole thing as an accident.” Silence. Fidel went on, “At least we should have had an escort. What a mistake.” Everybody started to look around. Suddenly there was a huge roar: a squadron of planes was heading toward them. Yankee fighters. Everybody panicked. The fighters came closer, but US territory was just ahead. Fidel was calm, probably having said all those things just to see the reaction. There were too many planes for an attack. They were an honorary escort. The plane entered US territory literally under the CIA’s wing.

  CATHER, Willa (1873–1947), US novelist and short-story writer.

  1 Friends begged her to withdraw from publication her story “The Birthmark,” which was based on the life of another friend, saying that it would ruin the friend’s reputation, at a minimum, and might ruin her life. Cather refused, saying, “My art is more important than my friend.”

  CATHERINE of Aragon (1485–1536), first queen of Henry VIII of England, whom she married in 1509. She bore him a daughter, Mary (later Mary I).

  1 Catherine was imprisoned, deprived of her titles and the company of her daughter, and died in suspicious circumstances. One of her last acts before her death was to dictate an affectionate letter to Henry VIII, beseeching him to be kind to their daughter, Mary. The last words were: “Oculi mei te solum desiderant. Vale” (Mine eyes desire thee only. Farewell).

  CATHERINE II [Catherine the Great] (1729–96), empress of Russia (1762–96).

  1 As part of her plans for reform in Russia, Catherine dreamed of founding great cities that would be centers of industry and progress in her backward country. During a state visit from the Austrian emperor Joseph II, the two rulers proceeded to lay the foundation stones of one of these proposed metropolises. Catherine laid the first stone, the emperor laid the second. Joseph commented, “I have finished in a single day a most important business with the empress of Russia; she has laid the first stone of a city and I have laid the last.”

  CATO [the Censor] (234–149 BC), Roman statesman.

  1 Cato was the chief instigator of the third Punic War, convinced that Rome could never be secure while the great city of Carthage on the North African coast remained its rival. Whenever called upon to speak in the Senate, whatever the subject under debate, he always concluded his speech with the words: “Carthago delenda est” (Carthage must be destroyed).

  2 The eighty-year-old Cato surprised his friends by setting himself the task of studying Greek. Asked how he could contemplate such a lengthy course of study at his advanced age, he replied that it was the youngest age he had left.

  3 As Cato had deserved well of the Republic, someone once asked him why no statue had been erected to him. Cato replied, “Better that question than the question: ‘Why have they erected a statue?’”

  CAVELL, Edith Louisa (1865–1915), British nurse.

  1 As a Red Cross nurse in Belgium during World War I, Edith Cavell helped Allied soldiers to escape from behind the enemy lines. The Germans captured her, and in a court-martial sentenced her to death. As she was led before the firing squad, she is reputed to have said, “I realize that patriotism is not enough; I must have no hatred or bitterness towards anyone.”

  CECIL, William (1863–1936), bishop of Exeter.

  1 Traveling by rail to a confirmation ceremony, the absentminded bishop mislaid his ticket and was unable to produce it for the ticket collector. “It’s all right, my Lord,” said the collector, “we know who you are.”

  “That’s all very well,” replied the bishop, “but without the ticket how am I to know where I’m going?”

  CERF, Bennett (1898–1971), US book publisher and radio wit.

  1 During World War II Random House, where Cerf was the longtime president, wanted to publish a book for servicemen called The Ten Commandments — but the page count was too long to be economical. It was suggested that only five of the commandments be printed and the book retitled A Treasury of the World’s Best Commandments.

  CERVANTES SAAVEDRA, Miguel de (1547–1616), Spanish writer, best known for Don Quixote.

  1 When King Philip III of Spain noticed a man reading beside the road and laughing so much that the tears were rolling down his cheeks, he commented: “That man is either crazy or he is reading Don Quixote.”

  CETEWAYO (1826–84), king of the Zulus.

  1 Cetewayo, like the Zulu kings before him, would not allow the young men in his regiments to marry until they had “washed their spears,” that is, killed enemy warriors in battle. When one of his regiments had passed this test, he ordered the men to find wives. One of the women chosen did not want to marry the man allotted to her. To avoid marriage she put on the isidwaba, the long full skirt worn by married women. Her deception discovered, she was taken to a high waterfall and thrown over. The isidwaba billowed out as she fell, breaking her fall and saving her from being drowned or smashed on the rocks. When night came she crept away and found refuge with some European settlers. The waterfall, in the Mangeni Gorge in Zululand, is still called the Isidwaba Falls.

  CÉZANNE, Paul (1839–1906), French Post-impressionist painter.

  1 Cézanne worked very slowly. His friend, the famous art dealer Ambroise Vollard, underwent no fewer than 115 sittings for a single portrait. Cézanne commented, “I am not entirely displeased with the shirt front.”

  CHALIAPIN, Feodor Ivanovich (1873–1938), Russian bass singer.

  1 Once when Chaliapin was on tour, he spent a night with a young woman of the town. In parting he offered her two tickets for the opera in which he was singing that evening. The girl said she was poor and hungry, and opera tickets did not buy bread. “If it was bread you wanted,” retorted Chaliapin, “why didn’t you spend last night with a baker?”


  2 During a seemingly interminable delay in a rehearsal, the singers began to show signs of impatience. A stagehand offered to fetch a chair so that Chaliapin could sit down until the difficulty was worked out. Chaliapin said, “It is not my body that is tired, it is my soul. But my soul has no ass. So forget the chair.”

  3 Chaliapin was afflicted with lifelong stage-fright, which he eased with vodka. On one occasion, he was dozing comfortably after a particularly strong dose of vodka when Eddie (“Papa”) Senz, the makeup man at the Metropolitan Opera in New York, made him up. Suddenly, he opened his eyes and inspected his reflection in the mirror. “Vot is dis face you giff me?” he exclaimed.

  “Mefistofele,” replied Senz.

  “Not Boris?” asked the great bass, apparently expecting to appear in the name part of Mussorgsky’s Boris Godunov. “Holy mother! Send for de Faust score! I must see de score.”

  CHALONER, John Armstrong (1862–19?), US financier.

  1 In 1897 Chaloner was certified as insane and incarcerated in a New York lunatic asylum. There was a tremendous family and public scandal over the episode; speculation was revived when he escaped, fled across the state border, and was pronounced sane by two other doctors. Sometime later Chaloner’s brother, known as Sheriff Bob, announced that he was intending to marry the tempestuous singer Lina Cavalieri. Chaloner sent his brother a telegram: “Who’s loony now?”