Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  KISSINGER, Henry (1923–), US diplomat, born in Germany. In 1972 he shared the Nobel Peace Prize.

  1 In Moscow for arms control negotiations in 1972, Kissinger, then secretary of state, joked with some of his hosts about bugging. During one session Kissinger held a document up in the air toward the chandelier and said, “Can I have two copies of this delivered to my suite?” Soviet Foreign Minister Andrei Gromyko, who had a sense of humor, said no, he couldn’t. The hidden cameras had been installed in the Kremlin, said he, during the time of Ivan the Terrible, and their lenses were not good enough to pick up the fine print.

  2 The day after Kissinger was nominated as secretary of state, he held a news conference. Newsman Richard Valeriani wound up the conference by asking, “Do you prefer being called ‘Mr. Secretary’ or ‘Dr. Secretary’?”

  “I don’t stand on protocol,” Kissinger deadpanned. “If you will just call me ‘Excellency,’ it will be okay.”

  3 Kissinger’s German accent stayed with him all his life, although his younger brother, Walter, managed to lose his. When asked why this was so, Walter answered, “Because I am the Kissinger who listens.”

  4 Kissinger’s aide Winston Lord had worked on a report for days. After giving it to Kissinger, he got it back with the comment, “Is this the best you can do?” Lord reworked it over several days and resubmitted it. It was returned with the same comment. When yet one more revision was treated the same way, Lord snapped, “Damn it, yes, it’s the best I can do,” Kissinger then said, “Fine, then I guess I’ll read it this time.”

  5 At a press conference in Brussels a reporter asked Kissinger what he considered his greatest success and what was his greatest failure. Kissinger replied, “I don’t quite understand your second point.”

  6 Kissinger once asked his Secret Service guard what he would do in the event of a kidnap attempt. “Don’t worry, Mr. Secretary,” the guard replied. “We’ll never let them take you alive.”

  KITCHENER, Horatio Herbert, 1st Earl of Khartoum and Broome (1850–1916), British general.

  1 On June 5, 1916, the British ship Hampshire was sailing to Arkhangelsk when she struck a mine shortly after leaving Scapa Flow and sank. Lord Kitchener, along with most of the crew, drowned. When the news broke the following morning, newspaper magnate Lord Northcliffe announced it to his sister with the words: “Providence is on the side of the British Empire after all.”

  KITTREDGE, George (1860–1941), US academic and scholar.

  1 Invited to a tea at Harvard, Kittredge — a formidable-looking man — knocked on his hostess’s door. “My God!” said the maid, opening it. “Not God, madam,” Kittredge intoned, “Kittredge.”

  KLEIN, Charles (1867–1915), US playwright.

  1 Klein wrote a play called The Ne’er Do Well, which flopped. As the final curtain fell, a young lady sitting behind him tapped him on the shoulder. “Are you Mr. Klein?” The disconsolate playwright admitted that he was, “Before the curtain rose,” the girl went on, “I took the liberty of cutting off a lock of your hair. Now I would like to give it back.”

  KLEMPERER, Otto (1885–1973), German-born conductor.

  1 Expecting nothing but the best from his musicians, Klemperer was very sparing with his praise. On one occasion, however, after a particularly excellent performance, he congratulated the orchestra with an enthusiastic “Good!” The players burst into spontaneous applause, and Klemperer’s smile faded into the more familiar frown. “Not that good,” he growled.

  2 Klemperer went into a music shop one day accompanied by a recording company executive called George de Mendelssohn-Bartholdy. “Do you have Klemperer conducting Beethoven’s Fifth?” he asked the young man behind the counter.

  “No,” said the clerk. “We have it conducted by Ormandy and Toscanini. Why do you want it by Klemperer?”

  Replied the indignant conductor: “Because I am Klemperer!”

  The clerk looked at him skeptically, then nodded toward George. “And that, I suppose, is Beethoven,” he said.

  “No,” replied Klemperer with a triumphant smile. “That’s Mendelssohn.”

  3 In the middle of a performance of a modern work that he hated, Klemperer heard a member of the audience leave the hall. “Thank God somebody understands it!” exclaimed the conductor.

  KLÖPFER, Eugene (1886–1950), German actor.

  1 Klöpfer once dried up on the stage and paused for the prompter, a certain Frau Wesemeier, to help him out. She had apparently lost her place in the prompt book and the embarrassing silence dragged on. To cover the lapse, Klöpfer addressed the fellow actor with whom he was playing the scene: “I wanted to ask you, how is Frau Wesemeier? Is she ill?” The other actor shrugged noncommittally. With increasing desperation Klöpfer went on, “I haven’t heard from her for quite some time.

  KNELLER, Sir Godfrey (1646–1723), German-born British portrait painter, known for his paintings of royalty and high-society figures.

  1 Alexander Pope had wagered that there was no flattery so gross that Kneller would not believe it. One day as Kneller was painting, Pope observed, “Sir Godfrey, I believe if God Almighty had had your assistance the world would have been formed more perfect.”

  “’Fore God, sir,” said Kneller, “I believe so.”

  2 A visitor to Kneller’s house remarked on a full-length portrait of Lady Kneller, the bottom of which had been very considerably damaged by scratches. The marks, Kneller explained, had been made by his wife’s little lapdog, which used to paw at the painted skirt, asking to be taken up into its mistress’s arms. The visitor observed that that reminded him of a story of Zeuxis, who painted grapes on a boy’s head so realistically that birds came to peck at them. Kneller disparaged this legend: “If the boy had been painted as well as the grapes, the birds would have been afraid to meddle with them.”

  3 Kneller was greatly attached to his country house at Whitton. When he lay dying, a friend exhorted him to think of death merely as the passage to a better place. “Ah, my good friend, I wish God would let me stay at Whitton,” the painter sighed.

  KNOPF, Alfred A. (1892–1984), US book publisher.

  1 Traveling by train one day, Knopf entered the smoking car and seated himself next to a gentleman of pleasant appearance and manners. He took out one of his special cigars, lit it, and then on an impulse offered one to his neighbor. The man accepted, lit up, and after a few puffs remarked, “A magnificent cigar.”

  “It should be,” replied Knopf. “These cigars are specially put up for me by Upmann.”

  “Indeed?” said the stranger. “May I ask your name?”

  “Alfred Knopf. May I ask yours?”

  “Upmann.”

  KNOX, Philander Chase (1853–1921), US lawyer and political leader.

  1 In 1903 Theodore Roosevelt acquired the Panama Canal Zone. Though proud of his achievement, he knew that not all citizens approved of it. Philander Knox, his attorney general, was a corporation lawyer, and it was to him that Roosevelt went for a defense of his action. Knox is said to have replied, “Oh, Mr. President, do not let so great an achievement suffer from any taint of legality.”

  KNOX, Ronald (1888–1957), British Roman Catholic priest and author.

  1 Knox was engaged in a theological discussion with scientist John Scott Haldane. “In a universe containing millions of planets,” reasoned Haldane, “is it not inevitable that life should appear on at least one of them?”

  “Sir,” replied Knox, “if Scotland Yard found a body in your cabin trunk, would you tell them: ‘There are millions of trunks in the world; surely one of them must contain a body?’ I think they would still want to know who put it there.”

  2 Traveling by train from Oxford to London one morning, Knox opened his copy of The Times and turned straight to the crossword puzzle, reputed to be the most difficult in the world. One of his fellow passengers, noticing that the priest had been staring at the puzzle for several minutes without filling in any of the answers, offered to lend him a pencil. �
�No, thanks,” replied Knox, looking up with a smile. “Just finished.”

  KOESTLER, Arthur (1905–83), British writer, born in Vienna.

  1 Koestler once quelled a gushing fan by saying, “Liking a writer and then meeting the writer is like liking goose liver and then meeting the goose.”

  KOO, Wellington [Ku Wei-chün] (1887–1985), Chinese statesman and ambassador.

  1 When Wellington Koo was representing his country at the 1921 Washington Conference, he found some Americans were ill at ease when talking to a sophisticated foreigner. At a banquet he was placed next to a young woman who, after some minutes of embarrassed silence, attempted to begin a conversation with “Likee soupee?” Koo, feeling that there was not much to be said on this level, just nodded and continued with his soup. At the end of the meal he was called upon to address the guests, which he did for ten minutes in perfect English. As he sat down, he turned to the young woman and said: “Likee speechee?”

  KOPPAY, Joszi Arpád, Baron von Drétoma (1859–?), Hungarian portrait painter.

  1 On an Atlantic crossing Koppay met the sixteen-year-old Iphigene Ochs, daughter of Adolph Ochs, the owner of the New York Times. He offered to paint her portrait free of charge, saying he could never be fulfilled as an artist until he had captured such beauty on canvas. Adolph Ochs, flattered, consented. When the portrait was finished Ochs received a bill for $1,000. Koppay met his objection: “Your daughter has such a beautiful face, it was a joy to paint it. But the body was dull and bored me. It is for this that I charge you one thousand dollars.”

  KORDA, Sir Alexander (1893–1956), British film producer and director, born in Hungary.

  1 Having offered a part to the English actress Ann Todd, Korda changed his mind and made the film with another actress. Understandably hurt and angry, Miss Todd raged at Korda for his perfidy. “I wouldn’t have done it to anyone else,” said Korda. Miss Todd was taken aback by this unexpected response. “What do you mean?” she asked. “You and I are such good friends,” Korda continued placatingly, “I knew you would forgive me.”

  2 In 1942 Korda was given a knighthood for his services to the British film industry. Proud of the honor, he resisted the temptation to take it overseriously, though it made a considerable impression upon his Hollywood colleagues. One evening he won nearly $10,000 from Sam Goldwyn at poker. The next day a check arrived, written in red ink with the note: “Signed in my blood. Sam.” Soon afterward Korda lost a similar amount of money to Goldwyn. Korda sent a check in blue ink with the inscription: “This check is signed in my blood, too.”

  3 When Korda was filming Kipling’s Jungle Book, a rubber and wire python was operated from a barge moored in midstream. On the barge stood the technicians, the camera crew, and Korda’s brother Zoli. Korda, on the bank, remarked that the barge appeared rather unstable with so many people on it. A few minutes later it capsized. Everyone swam to the shore, with the exception of Zoli Korda, who remained in the deep water near the python, splashing and shouting. Korda watched his brother’s foolery with an indulgent smile. Suddenly someone asked, “Can he swim?” Alexander Korda pondered: “No, we never learned to swim as children. I don’t believe he can. Someone help him.” A long pole was fetched and Zoli Korda was fished out. As soon as he could speak, he demanded, “Why didn’t you bloody help?” Korda replied coolly, “You should have shouted in Hungarian. Always cry for help in your native language — they’re the only people who understand.”

  4 Gossip said that Alexander Korda had an infallible seduction technique. After inviting a woman to stay for a drink at his apartment, he would look wistful, sigh, and say what a sadness it was for him to be impotent. Some of the most desirable women in the world had tried and failed with him, Korda would continue. Most of his guests accepted the irresistible challenge. After a while a “miracle” would happen.

  5 On a visit to Marc Chagall’s studio, Korda admired a painting that he said he would like to buy. The artist, declaring that negotiations about money embarrassed and upset him, promptly left the room, leaving Mme Chagall to discuss the price. Leaning forward to speak to her, Korda suddenly noticed a reflection in a mirror. It was Chagall, standing, as he thought, unseen in the hall, and signaling to his wife. First he sketched a dollar sign in the air, then held up five fingers, then ten, and finally crossed his index fingers to indicate that she should multiply. Before Mme Chagall could saying anything, Korda offered $50,000. “Why, that’s the sum I was going to ask you for,” exclaimed Mme Chagall in some surprise. “How did you guess?”

  “Ah, madame, sometimes a painting simply speaks for itself.”

  6 One afternoon Korda’s nephew Michael, then a small boy, was wandering around a soundstage when he suddenly found himself in the middle of a scene his uncle was shooting with David Niven for the movie Bonnie Prince Charlie. With great exasperation Alexander Korda stopped the filming, telling his nephew, “My boy, try to remember, as a Korda you are supposed to be behind the camera, not in front!”

  KOUSSEVITZKY, Sergei (1874–1951), Russian bass player and conductor.

  1 Boston held him in the highest regard. Not only because of his long stay there but also because of his imposing presence and musical inspiration, he was a genuine idol. At one reception, a Boston matron came up to him and with awe said: “Mr. Koussevitzky, you are a god to me.” To which Koussevitzky replied: “Ah, madame, what a responsibility!”

  2 Koussevitzky was known for his interesting turns of phrase. Once, during rehearsals of Ravel’s Bolero, Koussevitzky, losing patience with a struggling tympanist, blurted out, “If you make me more nervous I send you bill from my doctor.”

  3 Another time, a clarinetist, goaded to the limit, glared at Koussevitzky in the midst of Shostakovitch’s First Symphony. Koussevitzky finally said, “Kill me; it will make me more pleasure than listen to you!”

  KREISLER, Fritz (1875–1962), US violinist of Austrian birth.

  1 Setting out from Hamburg one day to give a concert in London, Kreisler found that he had an hour to kill before the boat sailed. He wandered into a music shop, where the proprietor asked if he could look at the violin Kreisler was carrying. Having looked, he vanished and then reappeared with two policemen, one of whom said to the violinist, “You are under arrest.”

  “What for?” asked Kreisler.

  “You have Fritz Kreisler’s violin.”

  “I am Fritz Kreisler.”

  “You can’t pull that one on us. Come along to the station.”

  As Kreisler’s boat was sailing soon, there was no time for prolonged inquiries and explanations. Kreisler asked if the music shop had any of his records. The proprietor found one, “The Old Refrain,” and put it on the Victrola. When it had finished playing, Kreisler asked for his violin and, mustering all the skill at his command, played the piece through again. “Now are you satisfied?” he asked. They were.

  2 A society hostess asked Kreisler how much he would charge to play at a private musical evening. The fee was $5,000. To this the lady reluctantly agreed, adding, “Please remember that I do not expect you to mingle with my guests.” Kreisler smiled: “In that case, madam, my fee will be only two thousand dollars.”

  3 Jascha Heifetz and Mischa Elman were dining together when the waiter brought over a note with the superscription: “To the greatest violinist in the world.” Heifetz glanced at it and handed it to Elman: “For you, Mischa.” Elman passed it back. “No, no, for you, Jascha,” he said. The note went back and forth a few more times before they agreed to open it together. The first words were: “Dear Fritz.”

  4 Kreisler’s devoted wife refused to sit next to him at his seventy-fifth birthday party. “I want him to have a good time with other women fussing over him,” she explained. “That’s my birthday gift.”

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  LABOUCHERE, Henry (1831–1912), British politician and journalist.

  1 When Labouchere was an attaché at the British legation in St. Petersburg, a pompous nobleman paid a call, stating that he wished
to see the ambassador immediately. “Pray take a chair,” Labouchere told him, “the ambassador will be here soon.” The visitor took exception to this offhand treatment. “Young man, do you know who I am?” he demanded, and recited a list of his titles and appointments. “Pray take two chairs,” said Labouchere.

  2 Labouchere, away from home when his father died, came back in time to see his body. The butler showed him into the room where it lay in the open coffin. Labouchere gazed at his parent’s face for a few moments, then remarked to the butler, “The right man in the right place.”

  3 On the day before Labouchere’s death A. L. Thorold (nephew as well as biographer) was sitting by his bedside. A burning spirit lamp was accidentally overturned. Labouchere opened his eyes, murmured, “Flames? — not yet, I think,” laughed, and went to sleep.

  LADD, Diane (1932–), US film actress.

  1 Married to actor Bruce Dern, Ladd had a daughter, Laura, who became interested in following in her parents’ footsteps (and who indeed did). When Ladd realized her daughter’s ambition, she urged her to choose another profession. “Be a doctor!” she pleaded. “Be a lawyer! Be a leper missionary!”

  LAEMMLE, Carl (1908–79), US film producer.