Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  1 A new writer came from Australia. Laemmle asked him how long he had been in America and was told two weeks. “It’s amazing how well you talk English after only two weeks,” said Carl.

  LAFAYETTE, Marie Joseph Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de (1757–1834), French general and politician.

  1 The harvest of 1783 was a poor one, but the bailiffs of Lafayette’s estates at Chavaniac had managed to fill the barns with wheat. “The bad harvest has raised the price of wheat,” said the bailiff. “This is the time to sell.” Lafayette thought about the hungry peasants in the surrounding villages. “No,” he replied, “this is the time to give.”

  2 In the heady days of the French Revolution the followers of Lafayette once went to unusual lengths to indicate their admiration. Stopping his carriage in the street, they unhitched the horses and pulled the vehicle to its destination. Some weeks later it was suggested to Lafayette that he must have been much pleased by the gesture. The great man considered for a moment. “Yes, it was delightful, delightful,” he agreed slowly, “but one thing disturbs me a little — I never saw anything more of my horses.”

  3 Upon Lafayette’s last visit to the United States, he called on Jefferson at Monticello. The news of the visit drew a great crowd, who watched as the old and feeble former President and the lame French hero, broken from years in prison, were to meet. Jefferson walked down the steps of his house as Lafayette descended from his carriage. At first they walked toward each other, then broke into a run, falling into each other’s arms. “Ah, Jefferson!” “Ah, Lafayette!” they cried, tears running down their faces. Among the four hundred witnesses, there was not a sound or a dry eye as the two men slowly walked in Monticello, their arms around each other.

  LA FONTAINE, Jean de (1621–95), French poet renowned for his Fables (1668–94).

  1 La Fontaine, engaged to make a speech before the French Academy, had first to attend a society gathering that soon began to bore him. He excused his departure by explaining the circumstances of his engagement. “But,” objected his hostess, “the Academy isn’t scheduled to meet for a whole hour. Taking the quickest way, you’ll need only twenty minutes to get there.” La Fontaine made a courteous bow, replying, “But you see, I prefer the longest way.”

  LA GUARDIA, Fiorello (1882–1947), US politician and mayor of New York (1933–45), nicknamed the “Little Flower.”

  1 (Bennett Cerf records an occasion on which La Guardia was presiding at the police court.)

  “One bitter cold day they brought a trembling old man before him, charged with stealing a loaf of bread. His family, he said, was starving. ‘I’ve got to punish you,’ declared La Guardia. ‘The law makes no exception. I can do nothing but sentence you to a fine of ten dollars.’

  “But the Little Flower was reaching into his pocket as he added, ‘Well, here’s the ten dollars to pay our fine. And now I remit the fine.’ He tossed a ten-dollar bill into his famous sombrero. ‘Furthermore,’ he declared, ‘I’m going to fine everybody in this courtroom fifty cents for living in a town where a man has to steal bread in order to eat. Mr. Bailiff, collect the fines and give them to this defendant!’ The hat was passed and an incredulous old man, with a light of heaven in his eyes, left the courtroom with a stake of forty-seven dollars and fifty cents.”

  2 (Journalist John Gunther, interviewing La Guardia, asked him about the large collection of files in his office.)

  “I’ll tell you a little story. Files are the curse of modern civilization. I had a young secretary once. Just out of school. I told her, ‘If you can keep these files straight, I’ll marry you.’ She did, and so I married her.”

  3 An important German diplomat was to pay a visit to New York. It was the mid-1930s, and anti-Nazi feeling ran high in the city. La Guardia, as mayor, was duty-bound to protect his visitor, but he found it hard to swallow his own hatred of the Nazis. As a compromise, he surrounded the diplomat with a bodyguard of specially selected policemen. They were all Jewish.

  4 La Guardia felt that the New York police were being rather too hard on young offenders, and tried to point out to them the difference between a mischievous prank and true juvenile delinquency. “When I was a boy,” he said, “I used to wander around the streets with my friends until we found a horse tied up to a post. We’d unhitch him, ride him around town, then tie him up again.”

  “Are you trying to tell us,” asked one of the policemen, “that the mayor of New York was once a horse thief?”

  “No,” replied La Guardia. “I’m telling you that he was once a boy.”

  LAIRD, Melvin (1922–), US politician.

  1 When Richard Nixon visited the Vatican in 1970, it was decided that the presidential party should leave from St. Peter’s Square in a US military helicopter. In order not to embarrass the Curia with further reminders of warfare, it was suggested to the secretary of defense that he should not accompany the rest of the party to the papal audience. However, Laird was not so easily spurned. When the group gathered inside the Vatican, there he was, smoking his inevitable cigar and ready with the excuse that he was only looking for the President’s helicopter. He was persuaded at least to pocket the cigar as the pope began to speak. Unfortunately, the cigar was still alight and in a few moments Laird’s jacket was issuing ominous clouds of smoke. Alarmed, Laird began slapping at his pocket. Many of the guests present, interpreting the sound as applause, joined in enthusiastically. Ingrained Vatican decorum, thus challenged, was maintained only with difficulty.

  LAÏS (5th century BC), famous Corinthian beauty.

  1 When she moved to Athens, Laïs posed for several well-known Athenian sculptors. The elderly Myron, who had created the classic Discus Thrower, was high on her list. When she removed her clothes and prepared to pose, the old man was instantly rejuvenated and offered her the entire contents of his studio if she would stay the night with him. Glancing at the old man’s tangled gray hair and beard and tattered garments, she put her clothes back on and walked out.

  The following day, the eager Myron had his hair cut, his beard shaved, and his new robe perfumed. Then, donning a gold chain, he found Laïs and declared his love for her. “My friend,” she said, “you are asking me to do for you what I refused your father yesterday.”

  LAMAR, Lucius Quintus Cincinnatus (1825–93), US statesman and judge.

  1 When Lamar was appointed secretary of the interior on a salary of $8,000, he looked for a residence to rent. It happened that the widow of Admiral J. H. Dahlgren had a property to let in the neighborhood that Lamar liked. She informed him that the house was indeed for rent — at $7,500 per annum. Secretary Lamar sat quite motionless, eyes downcast, saying nothing, until Mrs. Dahlgren finally asked if he had been taken ill. “No, madam,” he replied, “I was simply wondering what I could do with the remainder of my salary.”

  LAMB, Lady Caroline (1785–1828), British novelist.

  1 (The Boston Globe told this story:)

  “Lady Caroline, renowned for her flamboyant style, once celebrated the birthday of her husband, the English prime minister Lord Melbourne, by having herself served to him as a birthday banquet dish. On that occasion, she emerged naked from a large tureen.”

  2 Lady Caroline was staying with her cousin Lord Hartington at Lismore Castle in Ireland. One evening, after a dispute with Hartington, Lady Caroline suddenly went to the door, opened it wide, and said, “Pray walk in, sir. I have no doubt that you are the rightful possessor, and my cousin only an interloper, usurping your usual habitation.” Nothing happened for some minutes, then in hopped a frog. Caroline walked behind it with two lighted candles, “to treat the master of the castle with proper respect.”

  LAMB, Charles (1775–1834), British essayist, poet, and literary critic.

  1 When Charles Lamb was little more than a toddler, his sister, Mary, took him for a walk in the graveyard. The precocious little boy read the laudatory epitaphs on the tombstones, commemorating the deceased as “virtuous,” “charitable,” “beloved,” and so on. As the
y came away, he asked, “Mary, where are all the naughty people buried?”

  2 A superior in the office where Lamb worked reproached him for bad time-keeping. “You arrive late, Mr. Lamb,” the senior clerk began. Lamb is reputed to have replied, “But see how early I leave!”

  3 Lamb had been advised for medical reasons to take a course of sea-bathing at Hastings. Shivering with cold and trepidation, he stood at the door of his bathing machine and issued instructions to the men who were to “dip” him. Unfortunately, his stammer got the better of him: “Hear me, men! Take notice of this. I am to be d-d-d-dipped …” Tired of waiting, the two men assumed their instructions to be complete and plunged the protesting writer into the sea. Emerging from the icy water, Lamb was only able to stutter, “I tell you I am to be d-d-d-dipped …” before being plunged for a second time. After his third ducking, Lamb was finally allowed to complete his sentence: “I tell you that I am — no, that I was — to be d-d-d-dipped only once.”

  4 Lamb’s farce, Mr. H —— was a complete failure on its first night. Sitting in the pit at Drury Lane Theatre, he joined in the hissing, because, as he later explained, he was “so damnably afraid of being taken for the author.”

  5 “Don’t introduce me to him,” said Lamb urgently when a friend offered to present a man whom Lamb had for a long time disliked by hearsay. “I want to go on hating him, and I can’t do that to a man I know.”

  6 Lamb was a generally acquiescent audience for the garrulous Coleridge. One day when Coleridge had been particularly voluble, he suddenly interjected the question, “Charles, have you ever heard me preach?”

  “I’ve never heard you do anything else,” replied Lamb resignedly.

  7 In the course of a lecture, Lamb was interrupted by a hiss from the audience. “There are only three things that hiss,” said Lamb calmly, “a goose, a snake, and a fool. Stand forth, and let us identify you.”

  LANDERS, Ann (1918–), US advice columnist.

  1 Landers, born Eppie Lederer, was raised in a comfortable Midwestern home (with her sister, who writes the “Dear Abby” advice column), and had experienced little emotional turmoil or distress as a young woman. When asked how she felt qualified to give advice to others about their problems, given her own serene upbringing, she answered, “I don’t believe that you have to be a cow to know what milk is.”

  LANDIS, Kenesaw Mountain (1866–1944), US jurist, the first commissioner of baseball (1920–44).

  1 An old offender was severely reprimanded by Landis and sentenced to five years in prison.

  “But I’m a sick man, I’ll be dead long before that,” he protested. “I can’t do five years!”

  Landis fixed the felon with an icy glare. “You can try, can’t you?” he thundered.

  LANDOR, Walter Savage (1775–1864), British poet, essayist, and critic.

  1 Landor’s cook displeased his master one day by serving an indifferent meal. Landor in a passion threw him through an open window. The cook landed awkwardly in the flower bed below and broke a limb. Landor cried out, “Good God, I forgot the violets!”

  LANDOWSKA, Wanda (1879–1959), Polish harpsichordist.

  1 Landowska was famous for her interpretation of Bach. Meeting a woman who also was a Bach specialist, she was soon deeply engrossed in discussion. The other lady’s views on Bach ornamentation differed from Landowska’s. “Well, my dear,” said Landowska, “you continue to play Bach your way, and I’ll continue to play him his way.”

  LANDRU, Henri Désiré (1869–1922), French multiple murderer.

  1 Landru’s trial was a popular sensation, with fashionable ladies, complete with picnic baskets and pet dogs, contending for seats in the courtroom. Landru’s comment: “If any lady would care to have my place, I would willingly surrender it.”

  2 Landru was sentenced to die for murdering ten women in Paris. As he approached the guillotine he was seen to have been shorn of the long black beard of which he was so proud. He had asked for a shave that morning, saying to the prison barber, “It will please the ladies.”

  LANG, George (b. 1924–), Hungarian-born US restaurateur.

  1 Lang’s first job in New York was as a busboy in a busy and chic restaurant. One night he was rushing through the kitchen when the German chef thrust a huge and beautiful lobster platter at him, barking instructions — of which Lang understood only the words “go” and “fast.” Lang disappeared with it. Fifteen minutes later, as he reappeared in the kitchen, the staff fell silent. The chef asked him what he had done with the lobster meant for the table of Claudette Colbert; Lang replied, to everyone’s horror, including his own,”Thank you very, very much. It was absolutely delicious.” He had thought he was being asked to eat an unusually magnificent staff meal quickly.

  2 Lang worked for a time at London’s Savoy Hotel, learning the intricacies of the grand hotel business. One afternoon a very casually dressed young woman approached the manager and complained that she had been refused tea. When the manager, observing her dress, noted that the Savoy did not serve people in jeans, she said, “You certainly don’t keep up with the times.” “No, madame,” replied the man, “we try to keep up with our past.”

  LANGTRY, Lillie [Emilie Charlotte le Breton] (1853–1929), British actress.

  1 Lillie Langtry was the mistress of the Prince of Wales (later King Edward VII). During a quarrel, the prince complained, “I’ve spent enough on you to buy a battleship.” Lillie retorted, “And you’ve spent enough in me to float one.”

  LAPLACE, Pierre-Simon, Marquis de (1749–1827), French mathematician and astronomer.

  1 Laplace presented a copy of an early volume of his Mécanique céleste to Napoleon, who studied it very carefully. Sending for Laplace, he said, “You have written a large book about the universe without once mentioning the author of the universe.” “Sire,” Laplace replied, “I have no need of that hypothesis.”

  2 Joseph-Louis Lagrange worked with Laplace on the Mécanique céleste and indeed made an original contribution to the thinking behind it. Laplace failed to acknowledge this contribution, an omission that the generous Lagrange appears not to have resented. When Lagrange heard of Laplace’s reply to Napoleon, he is said to have shaken his head at his colleague’s skepticism, commenting, “But it is a beautiful hypothesis just the same. It explains so many things.”

  LARDNER, Ring [Ringgold Wilmer] (1885–1933), US writer.

  1 Lardner was drinking at a club frequented by actors when an individual came in whose flamboyance of dress and hairstyle were remarkable even in those theatrical surroundings. Lardner scrutinized the man for some minutes and then said to him, “How do you look when I’m sober?”

  2 On an excursion Ring Lardner and Arthur Jacks stocked their hotel room with supplies of liquor, including a good Canadian whiskey and some inferior Midwestern corn. They made a heavy night of it. When Jacks awoke the following morning, he felt rather ill and in need of a drink. He poured himself some of the Canadian whiskey, which promptly made him sick. He tried again, with the ame result. On Jacks’s third or fourth unsuccessful attempt to keep the liquor down, Lardner opened one eye and said, “Arthur, if you’re just practicing, would you mind using the corn?”

  LASORDA, Tommy (1927–), US baseball manager.

  1 The Dodgers manager believed that managerial direction was more effective in winning games than any kind of team unity. Once he was overheard from his office loudly arguing with Kirk Gibson, who strongly objected to being traded. As Lasorda left his office, the eavesdropping team members wondered if his bitter words would have a negative effect on team chemistry. “Chemistry?” responded Lasorda. “What’s that? I think I took it in high school.”

  LATIMER, Hugh (?1485–1555), English cleric, bishop of Worcester (1535–39).

  1 After a show trial at Oxford, Latimer and the bishop of London, Nicholas Ridley, were condemned to be burned at the stake for heresy. As the fire was lighted, Latimer turned to his co-martyr and said, “Be of good comfort, Master Ridley, and
play the man; we shall this day light such a candle, by God’s grace, in England as I trust shall never be put out.”

  LAUGHTON, Charles (1899–1962), British character actor and director.

  1 Laughton, married to actress Elsa Lanches-ter, was once asked the hypothetical question: “Would you ever consider marrying again?” Having answered emphatically in the negative, the actor was asked his reasons. “During courtship,” replied Laughton, “a man reveals only his better qualities. After marriage, however, his real self gradually begins to emerge, and there is very little his wife can do about it.” After a moment’s pause he concluded: “I don’t believe I would ever put a woman through that again.”

  2 Having invited Laughton and a number of other film stars to dinner one evening, pianist Artur Rubinstein entertained his guests before the meal by showing home movies of his children’s amateur stage performances. The “audience” was visibly relieved when the last reel came to an end and dinner was served. “I’ve always regretted that I never had children,” remarked Laughton to his host as they passed into the dining room, “and never more so than now. Because, Mr. Rubinstein, if I had children, I would make them play the piano for you.”

  LAUZUN, Armand Louis de Gontaut, Duc de (1747–93), French aristocrat and soldier.

  1 When the executioner came to fetch the duke from his cell, he found him eating oysters and drinking wine. “Allow me to finish, citizen,” said the condemned man. “And take a glass of this wine. In your profession you must need courage.”

  LAVOISIER, Antoine Laurent (1743–94), French chemist, discoverer of the two gases he named oxygen and nitrogen.