A Father This Christmas?

by Louisa Heaton

  She shook her head. ‘No.’

  ‘Then, why didn’t you find me and tell me?’

  ‘I tried! Believe me, I tried! But I only had your name, and I knew you were going to work for a charity in Africa. I had no way to track you down.’

  ‘Did you even try?’

  She wiped the tear from her cheek. ‘Do you know how many charities do work in Africa? Do you know how much research that would have taken?’

  ‘You could have asked my friends from the party! They would have known!’

  ‘I did! They told me you were working with Change for Children, but when I contacted them, they told me you’d already left!’

  He stared at her. It was true. He had worked for them, but only for a little while. And then he’d met that doctor working for a different charity and he’d gone with him, hoping to assist with an eye clinic...

  Had he told anyone? Had he told anyone the specifics of where he was going next? He couldn’t remember. Surely he must have said something? But even if he had, would she have been able to track him down? He’d still been running then. He would not have left a way for himself to be traced by his family...

  Was all this his fault? If he’d only thought to leave a forwarding address... Only he hadn’t, had he? Because he’d been trying to avoid his family tracking him down and sending him letters, bothering him with all their worry and their ‘Are you all right?’ and ‘Are you coming home?’

  He’d always assumed that when the time came he would be there for his children. As his father had been for him. He’d imagined what it might be like to hold his baby in his arms... And Eva had had his child, not found him to tell him about it, and his own son had been without him for three years. If he’d known he wouldn’t have stayed in Africa for so long...or even gone there in the first place!

  Words couldn’t adequately describe how angry he felt right now.

  And for it to be Eva who had done this to him. The woman who had sashayed into his life one night, blown his mind and made him feel more alive than he’d felt in a year! The woman who’d filled his dreams for many a night subsequently. The woman who’d made him regret leaving England. The woman he’d thought about coming back home for.

  He’d never have expected that she would do this to him!

  ‘So...what does Seb know about me?’

  She folded her arms. ‘Nothing yet. He’s too young to have asked about his dad. I had planned, when the time came, to tell him that you were in Africa, with no means of communication.’

  ‘Africa...’

  He’d loved it there. It had been such an education for him—would have been for any doctor—to go from a high-tech medicalised hospital to work in a ramshackle, dusty building that barely had instruments, lights or monitoring equipment. Many a time he’d been so frustrated at the lack of equipment, at the numbers of people they’d lost because they didn’t have adequate resources, that he’d decided to come home again and again, after every loss, but he never had.

  If only I had...

  Then he might have learned about Seb sooner. Learned about Eva. Could he forgive her? This was Eva—the woman he’d...

  Jacob cleared his throat. ‘I’ve lost so much time with him already. He needs to know who I am.’

  She stood up instantly, her body blocking the door. ‘You’re not going in there to tell him right now.’

  He raised an eyebrow. ‘He needs to know.’

  Eva nodded. ‘Then, I’ll tell him. At home. In his own space. Then maybe... I don’t know...perhaps you could come round later? Get to know him? Next week, perhaps...’

  ‘Give me your address. I’ll be round tonight.’

  ‘Tonight? I don’t—’

  ‘Tonight. I’ve already lost three years.’

  She looked down at the ground. ‘I need more time.’

  Jacob stepped forward so that he faced her, his nose mere inches away from hers. ‘You’ve already had three years. Tell him today. Or we both tell him tonight, when I come round. Your call.’

  Eva backed away from the intense, angry stare of Jacob’s eyes. She’d had no idea of how angry he’d be. Or, really, what type of man he was. She’d allowed herself to be seduced by a stranger that night. She only knew one side of him.

  ‘I’ll tell him. I was the one who kept it from him after all.’

  The way she looked at him then, with those beautiful crystal blue eyes of hers—the palest of blue, like snow ice on the polar caps—he had a flashback to how those eyes had looked into his that night they’d spent together, and a smack of desire hit him hard and low in the groin.

  How could he still desire her when she’d just driven him mad with anger?

  ‘You know what hurts the most, Eva?’

  She shook her head, her full, soft lips slightly apart, so he had to fight the urge to kiss her. It was as if there was a battle going on in his body. Half of him wanted to be furious with her; the other half wanted to take her to bed and make her gasp with delight.

  ‘Not only did you keep Seb from me, you also kept Seb from my parents. Grandparents who would love him. Aunts and uncles who would adore him. Cousins who could be his friends. My family would adore Seb.’

  ‘They still can...’

  ‘But only because I came here.’ He reached up and removed a wave of red hair from her cheek, then realised what he was doing and dropped it like a hot coal. ‘How much longer would you have kept the secret if I’d gone elsewhere?’

  She seemed nervous of his touch, her breath hitching in her lungs and then escaping when he let go of her hair. She was breathing heavily, and he felt empowered to know he had that control over her. That she still responded to his touch.

  He’d never forgotten that one night...

  ‘Jacob, I—’

  ‘What’s your address?’

  Reluctantly, she told him.

  He stepped past her and yanked open the locker room door.

  ‘I’ll be round at six.’

  And then he left, leaving her alone.

  * * *

  Eva stood gasping like a landed fish after he’d left the locker room. As the door slowly closed behind him she sank down onto the bench and let out a long, slow, breath.

  Jacob knew. And it had been every bit as horrible as she’d feared.

  She felt she should have told him when she’d had that moment in Resus. Perhaps it might have gone better? If she’d been honest with him when she’d had the chance? But, no, she hadn’t said anything. Instead, she’d sneaked away like a frightened mouse. And now look what had happened.

  She’d wanted to tell him. She’d wanted to tell him ever since she’d discovered she was pregnant! But...

  She hadn’t been able to find him. She’d blamed him for being untraceable.

  She’d wanted Seb to have it all! A mother and a father. As she’d never had. She’d promised herself that whenever she had kids her children would have the firm foundation of a loving family. Of growing up surrounded by love and security.

  When she’d realised she couldn’t trace Jacob she’d quickly accustomed herself to the idea of raising Seb alone. Of relying only on herself—the way she’d always done! Seb would be able to rely on her. She’d be the best mother she could be. Her child would have the certainty that she was there to stay and she would love him more than life itself. Do the job of both parents.

  Her feelings for Jacob she could control. What had they been but fantasy? He was a man she’d been able to put on a pedestal because she hadn’t known him long enough to discover otherwise. Who knew what he was really like?

  She could do this.

  It would be easier now. They would be able to work together and she wouldn’t have to worry anymore about him finding out about Seb. The worst was over.

  Wasn’t i
t?

  She caught her own worried gaze in the mirror. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe Jacob would let Seb get to know him and then he’d disappear again? He had a temporary post here—perhaps he’d be a temporary father?

  Eva got up and went over to the sinks to splash cold water on her face. She stared again at her reflection in the mirror, dabbing her skin dry with the paper towel.

  ‘Jeez...you really didn’t handle that very well at all,’ she told herself, trying out a tentative smile.

  That was better. She needed to look human again before she went to collect Seb. She didn’t want him to notice she’d been crying. After today he needed to see his normal mum—the one in control. The one who soothed his brow when he was sick...the one who read to him at nights until he fell asleep. He’d need everything to be normal after the frightening start to his day in the minibus.

  But I’m going to have to tell him about Jacob...

  Exactly how did you tell a three-year-old about his father? Would he even be able to understand what she was telling him? Or would he accept it easily? In her experience her little boy was very adaptable. Maybe he’d take it in his stride?

  She threw the paper towel into the bin and continued to look at herself in the mirror. She blinked quickly. The redness in her eyes was almost gone now. By the time she got out there to Seb she should look fine.

  Eva opened the door.

  Seb was still in his cubicle, but Jacob was with him, holding on to Seb’s little fingers as he spoke to him. Seb looked intrigued. So happy. She wondered what they were talking about. She watched them together. The way Jacob spoke, the way he laughed—he was so like Seb. And Seb looked so like his father, with his wavy dark hair and intense blue eyes. They were the spitting image of each other. He was so obviously Jacob’s little boy.

  And I didn’t persevere in trying to find him. I should have! We could have had everything we ever wanted...

  Yeah, right. As if that would ever have happened...

  Seb spotted her and waved. ‘Can we go home now?’

  Jacob didn’t smile at her.

  ‘Soon. We need to stay for a while so the doctors can keep an eye on you.’

  ‘Because I banged my head?’

  ‘That’s right.’ She glanced at Jacob.

  He looked to his son. ‘You know what, Seb? I’m going to come round to your house tonight. Is that okay?’

  Seb nodded emphatically. ‘Yes! You can tell me more about lions.’

  He smiled. ‘I will. I’ll tell you anything you want to know.’

  Eva stared at him hard, but he looked away from her and down to his son, ruffling his hair.

  * * *

  He’d kept them there as long as he could, but eventually Jacob had watched as his son and Eva left the department.

  Hell of a first day!

  He’d expected fireworks. He’d expected ups and downs. But not this. Never this!

  Three years. He’d been a father for three years. Years that he’d spent in Africa, tending to the poorest and sickest of people, with almost no modern medical facilities. Watching people die needless deaths, getting depressed, drinking too much...

  Thank goodness he’d stopped with the alcohol. That had been a stupid path to go down. But what with Michelle and The Wedding That Never Was, he’d felt entitled to a drink. And the drink had helped numb his thoughts. About Michelle. About Eva.

  She’d been the last thing he’d expected at that party.

  He’d gone there expecting to say goodbye to a couple of friends—people who had been there for him after Michelle, who had let him crash on their floors despite the stuff going on in their own lives—and there she’d been. Standing on the far side of the room, in a dress that hugged in all the right places. That flaming red hair had made her stand out in a room of mousy browns and she’d had the bluest eyes he’d ever seen, her lips curved in a half-smile.

  Something about her had intrigued him.

  Who was she? What was she doing there?

  The very fact that he’d actually been thinking those questions had woken something in him. Something that he thought had died along with Michelle. And when he’d held her in his arms to dance, her soft curves moulded into his body, as if she’d been carved specifically for him, he’d turned to mush.

  He’d wanted to kiss her. Had wanted to taste her. Possess her. All other thoughts—all the pain, all the grief, all the torment that he’d spent months trying to get rid of—had suddenly dissipated.

  All there had been was Eva.

  And she’d kept quiet. Not told him he was a father. Not tracked him down. If she had he could’ve been... He could’ve had...

  He shook his head to clear his thoughts.

  She was doing it again. Muddling his mind. What was it with women who did this?

  He had to think clearly again. There was a reason he didn’t like to revisit his past.

  Jacob strode back into the department and picked up a patient file. No matter what, life was now going to be different. He’d get to know Seb. Slowly. Not rush it. He’d get to know his son. Let Seb get to know him. Do I want to see my family again?

  The last time had been on his wedding day. The day that Michelle had died. Almost five years ago.

  Since then, he’d been running. Running from his family...running from those who said they loved him because he couldn’t cope with them. Couldn’t think about dealing with their pity and their sympathy and their sad looks, their supportive pats on his back. He’d not wanted to face any of that. Nor would they have wanted to give it if they knew the whole truth of what had happened that day...

  But he could be different now. Couldn’t he? It wasn’t just him anymore—he wasn’t alone now. He had a son, and his son would need him. He refused to let Seb be without his father for a moment longer.

  And it was nearly Christmas. Traditionally a time for family. Perhaps now was the time for him to start building some bridges? Maybe let his parents know about Seb? Maybe Eva would let him take Seb for a visit? They’d love that. Love Seb. And Seb would love Jacob’s old childhood home. The smallholding. The animals there. The old orchard where Jacob had spent so many hours himself.

  I can’t go. There are too many memories there of Michelle...

  It was too much to think of going there.

  Michelle had grown up right next door. His English rose, with her gorgeous straw-coloured hair that had floated and billowed in the breeze. He could picture her everywhere there. In the orchard. The barn. The house. He could hear her laughter even now, as she danced away from him, always out of reach.

  His parents’ grief and Michelle’s mother’s grief would be too much to deal with! How they all managed to still live there, he had no idea!

  I bet they still have that picture of us both on the kitchen mantelpiece...

  Their engagement picture. He’d felt so happy when she’d said yes.

  If only he’d known of the pain she would eventually cause.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  TELLING SEB ABOUT Jacob was a lot easier than Eva had been expecting.

  He sat there on the couch, looking up into her face with those eyes that were so like Jacob’s, and she told him the momentous news.

  ‘Seb, I want to talk to you about your daddy.’

  ‘My daddy?’

  She’d never really heard him say the word, and to hear it now felt strange. Odd. But she guessed she ought to get used to it. Jacob was back, and from what she’d seen so far he was going to stick around long enough to meet his son. Whether he stayed around... Well, that could be another thing entirely. When had anyone ever stuck around for her?

  ‘Yes. You know the man today at the hospital, who helped glue your head?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Well, that was him. That was
your daddy.’

  Seb seemed to think about it for a moment, his head tilted to one side and his eyes screwed up with concentration. Eva knew she had to say something else to make things clear for him.

  ‘Daddy has been working away since you were born, Seb. In Africa. Remember he told you all about the lions? Well, he was doing very important work, being a doctor like Mummy, so he didn’t get a chance to meet you. But now he’s back, and he’s excited to get to know you, so tonight he’s coming to see you.’

  ‘Okay,’ he said, and simply went back to watching his television programme.

  Eva sat next to him quietly. Waiting to see if he’d say anything else. Ask anything else. But Seb seemed engrossed.

  Assuming he was fine, she got up and went into the kitchen. She was thrilled he’d taken it so well, but children were very accepting, in her experience. Until now she had been all that Seb needed.

  Eva knew what it was like not to have parents. Growing up in the foster system had been a lonely experience. Some places she’d stayed longer than others, but as she’d been pushed from pillar to post she’d always felt alone and separate. Dependent only on herself for her own happiness.

  She’d got used to not relying on other people. Used to people walking away. And she’d known that those who did stay, stayed only until she was sent elsewhere. She’d been a foster child. The families she’d gone to had known she wouldn’t be staying forever, so there had always been that detachment. They’d never got close. Never cared for her too much, or loved her too much.

  She never got attached to anyone. There was no point. The only person she’d allowed herself to love was Seb, and he meant the world to her. If Jacob was here for now, then great. But she knew she had to hold a piece of herself back from him. A piece of Seb back from him.

  Just in case.

  Because what had life proved to her so far? People pretended they were going to be there forever. Some would even promise it. They’d promised Eva that she would never have to get used to another home ever again. And what had happened? Real sons and daughters had been born and suddenly she’d been cast out. They’d sit her down, then have that talk with her about how things weren’t working out.