A Father This Christmas?

by Louisa Heaton

  There was no point in getting attached to people.

  They just let you down.

  And she’d promised herself—and Seb—that if she ever did meet someone she thought could be the great love of her life, then that person would have to love her and Seb 100 percent. She refused to be anyone’s second best. Refused to be the ‘reserve’ love interest.

  * * *

  Eva spent the afternoon getting the place ready for Jacob’s arrival. Due to her working full-time, and being a single mother, the house wasn’t as presentable as she would have liked. There were stray plastic bricks and action figures everywhere. There was even a platoon of storm troopers guarding the bottom of the stairs.

  She cleared away what she could and vacuumed through, polished and cleaned. The Christmas tree was looking a little sad in the corner, so she rearranged some of the ornaments and switched on the lights to give it some life. She laid the dining table with her best china, in case he stayed long enough to sit and eat with them. She cleared the hallway of coats and shoes.

  It had become a veritable graveyard of outdoor stuff, even though there was just the two of them, but there was a mix of wellingtons, work shoes, Seb’s shoes, trainers and slippers there, all waiting to be tripped over.

  She was quite pleased with how neat it all looked when it was cleared away. She’d never been much of a housekeeper, having never had a real home except for this one, and she did her best.

  Now, the big question was whether to get dressed up for Jacob’s arrival?

  If she tried too hard he’d know it. If she dressed casually would that take away from the enormity of the occasion? But didn’t Seb need as much as possible to stay the same?

  She certainly didn’t want Jacob thinking she was dressing up especially for him, so she decided on casual. After a quick shower, she dressed in blue jeans and a fitted white T-shirt. Over that she wore a short taupe cardigan. And even though she’d decided not to make herself up especially for Jacob she painted her toenails, because she liked to go barefoot in the house. After a quick blow-dry of her hair, a swipe of mascara, lip gloss and a squirt of perfume, she felt ready.

  Two minutes before six the doorbell rang.

  Eva swallowed hard and felt her already jangling nerves turn into a cacophony of chaos.

  He was here.

  Seb’s father.

  ‘It’s him! It’s him!’

  Seb rushed past her to get to the door first and she followed sedately after him, to give herself a few last seconds of trying to calm her nerves. She almost felt as if she was walking up to the gallows. She had no idea of how Jacob would be with her, but she hoped he would be pleasant in front of Seb.

  The mirror in the hall told her she looked just fine. If a little apprehensive...

  Seb pulled open the door and beamed at his father. ‘Hi.’

  ‘Hello, Seb.’ He stood in the doorway, wearing jeans and a T-shirt with a black leather jacket over the top.

  She was glad he’d chosen casual, like her, but his casual managed to look oh-so-sexy.

  In his hands he held a gift-wrapped present, which he handed to Seb. ‘This is for you.’

  ‘What is it?’

  Seb gave it a shake and Eva recognised the sound of many somethings with many pieces waiting to be built—or eventually, knowing them, sucked up into her vacuum cleaner.

  ‘You’ll need to open it to find out. Hello, Eva.’ He was now looking at her, his gaze intense and unreadable.

  She had to be welcoming and friendly, especially in front of Seb, so she smiled. ‘Jacob. Come in. It’s cold out! No need to stand in the doorway.’

  She held the door open for him, inhaling the scent of him as he passed, the smell sending her back to that night she’d spent naked in his arms, writhing and tingling and gasping her pleasure...

  She blinked rapidly. ‘Go straight through. Seb, why don’t you show your daddy into the lounge?’

  She closed the front door and watched Jacob and his son disappear into the room ahead of her.

  Get a grip!

  She let out a harsh, short breath, then squared her shoulders and headed into the room with them.

  Seb was ripping off the wrapping paper on the parcel to discover a large jigsaw puzzle of his favourite cartoon characters. He dropped to the floor in delight so he could study it better.

  ‘You bought him exactly the right thing. He loves jigsaws,’ she said, glad she hadn’t already bought it and put it under the tree.

  Jacob knelt on the floor and watched his son. ‘My sister has a son. I tried to remember the sort of thing he was into at this age.’

  At the mention of his sister, of Jacob’s nephew, Eva felt chastened. She stood in the doorway, not sure what to say next.

  Seb looked up from his present and beamed a smile, then ran over to Jacob and threw his arms around his father’s neck. ‘Thanks, Daddy!’

  Jacob looked surprised at how easily Seb was being with him, then relaxed and hugged his son back. ‘No problem.’

  Seb let go, and then took a step back and looked at his father. ‘I’m Seb.’

  Jacob smiled. ‘I’m your dad. Pleased to meet you.’

  They shook hands, and then Seb giggled and went back to his puzzle.

  Jacob looked up at Eva and smiled hesitantly. ‘He took it well, then?’

  ‘Yes. Easier than I expected.’ She sat down on the couch near him. ‘It’s been a big day for him, what with the accident this morning and then you. I’m sure all his questions will come later, when it begins to sink in.’

  ‘I’m sure they will, too. He’s still okay? After this morning’s accident?’

  She nodded. He seemed fine.

  ‘Hey, Seb... Want me to help you do it?’

  ‘Yes, please!’

  As they huddled together on the carpet, with Jacob pretending to struggle to find pieces, she watched him—this man who had fathered her child. She’d always wondered what he would be like with his son, and here he was, playing it out live in front of her. Jacob seemed at ease with Seb, which was good, and Seb, in turn, seemed comfortable with Jacob.

  Eva headed into the kitchen to make them all a drink.

  She made up a tray of tea for the two of them, including a real teapot, and a juice for Seb, before heading back out into the lounge. She put the tray down on the coffee table and asked him whether he’d like sugar and milk.

  ‘Milk without, thanks.’

  She poured the drinks and sat back.

  It was strange. It was almost as if they weren’t strangers at all. Seb was laughing and chatting with Jacob, trying to show him how the pieces fitted together and which pieces matched which, and Jacob was laughing and smiling, and it was like watching friends who had known each other for years.

  She almost felt like an outsider. The way she had felt as a foster child. Being apart from the family unit, as if she was a visitor.

  Her stomach coiled in on itself at the too-familiar hurt and, feeling uneasy, she decided to interrupt. ‘Is there anything you want to ask?’

  Jacob looked up at her, as if he’d forgotten she was even in the room. She saw him look her up and down and then away. ‘I...er...have a lot of questions, actually.’

  ‘Okay. Fire away.’

  ‘You were on your own? For the pregnancy? How did it go?’

  She nodded and took a sip of her tea. ‘Yes. Totally on my own. When I found out I was pregnant I was shocked. The doctor said I was about two months gone, and pretty much after that the morning sickness started.’

  ‘Was it bad?’

  ‘Pretty bad. I was okay in the mornings, but late afternoons and evenings were the worst—which weren’t great whilst I was working shifts at the hospital and getting tired.’

  ‘But you coped?’
>
  ‘I always do.’

  He looked at her then, his eyes holding hers just for a moment longer than was comfortable. ‘Any cravings? My mum craved apple pie and custard with me.’

  She shook her head. ‘No. Not really. But I couldn’t stand the smell or sight of blood...which isn’t ideal for an A&E doctor.’

  He smiled as he clipped his jigsaw pieces together. ‘What did you do?’

  ‘I made sure there were plenty of those cardboard sick bowls in the room with me and got on with it. I wasn’t going to have the hospital make special provisions for me.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because I wasn’t special.’

  She wasn’t going to tell him the real reason. That when she was growing up no one had ever made special provisions for her. That she was the one who made provisions for others. Fitting in around everyone else. She’d never received special efforts from anyone. Why would she have expected her colleagues at work to do that?

  ‘And the birth? How did that go?’

  Seb looked up. ‘Mummy borned me in the water.’

  Eva smiled. ‘That’s right, Seb. It was a water birth. After an extremely long and tiring labour.’

  ‘How long?’

  ‘Forty-two hours.’

  ‘Ouch.’

  ‘Ouch, indeed.’ She smiled at him.

  He was smiling, too.

  When they realised they were smiling at each other they stopped, Jacob looking back down at the jigsaw pieces and Eva down at her cup.

  What was she doing? She wasn’t meant to be getting friendly with him. She was just meant to be polite. For Seb’s sake. Nothing else was going to come of this.

  ‘And...er...he was healthy?’

  ‘Very healthy. Nine pounds in weight. Were you a heavy baby?’

  ‘No. A seven-pounder. You?’

  ‘I don’t know what I was.’ She could see he looked confused. Most people knew how heavy they were when they were born. Their parents usually told them. But she didn’t have that information. Had never thought to ask for it, either. ‘I didn’t have parents,’ she explained. ‘I grew up in foster care.’

  ‘Mummy had lots of homes!’ Seb said, passing Jacob a piece he needed to complete the corner of the picture.

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

  He sounded it, too. Genuinely. Which made her look at him carefully. He really had a kind face. It was easy to see in the wide openness of his eyes, the laughter lines around them and the generous smile of his mouth. His features were soft and rounded. There were no sharp lines, no bony angles, no harshness to his features.

  She’d always believed you could see the kindness of a person in their face. If someone was a nice character, kind and gentle, then you could see it. But if someone was cruel or nasty or vicious, then you could see that, too. The meanness would be plain to see.

  Jacob had a good face. A beautiful face.

  And she felt a small amount of hope. That he would be a good dad to her son and remain that way. Seb deserved it. Not that she’d ever let him want for anything. He wasn’t spoiled. But he was loved. And he knew that he was loved, and she’d tried to love him enough for two. Her guilt at not being able to give him the father he needed had hurt for a long time. But he did have her. He had his mother. Which was more than she had ever had.

  Jacob hadn’t known about his son for three years, though! He’d missed so much! How could she ever make up for that?

  ‘I’ll just check on dinner. Would you like to stay?’

  Jacob looked up at her...so delectable. Heat flooded her cheeks at the thought.

  ‘That would be nice. Thanks.’

  ‘It’s just pasta. Crab linguini. Is that all right with you?’

  Jacob smiled. ‘That would be great. Anything you’re having will be fine.’

  At that moment he looked so charming and approachable she had to remind herself that even though she’d once slept with this man, made a child with him, they were still strangers.

  It was hard for her to get up and move away from them, from their sudden cosy family unit, to go and cook the pasta. But she figured she needed to leave them—to give them some time together without her there. A bit of father and son bonding.

  Just cook the pasta. That’s all you have to do.

  She was successful at that, then hurried to the fridge to prep the crab. She mixed the crab meat with fresh herbs, salt and pepper and a small amount of chilli. It was good to be doing something with her hands, because before she’d been beginning to feel like a spare part. Now she felt useful. As if she was contributing.

  She figured she’d better get used to it, because there were bound to be more meetings like this as Jacob and Seb got used to one another. They had so much to learn about each other. Three years of catching up to do.

  How many times were you meant to apologise to a man when you’d kept him from knowing his child?

  She felt incredible guilt. She’d apologised, but now she was trying to put everything right. But there was no need for her to feel beholden to him. They were both at fault for Seb not having had his father around.

  The fork she was using slipped from her fingers and clattered to the tiled floor. Sighing, she bent to pick it up—but Jacob got to it first.

  She’d had no idea he’d followed her to the kitchen and she was surprised and shocked to find him there.

  So close...

  They stood up together and he held the fork out for her to take.

  ‘Thank you.’ Her fingers brushed his and she tried not to show how much his contact affected her.

  Such an innocent, brief connection.

  But such an effect.

  Her heart pounded—so much so that it sounded as if it was in her ears and not her chest. Her mouth went dry, as if she’d spent months in the desert, and she fought to stop her hands from trembling as she put the fork into the sink and got another one.

  Could he see her hands shaking?

  Now was probably not the best time to pick up a heavy pan of pasta, but it was done and she needed to drain it. The pan wobbled slightly, but she hoped he couldn’t see.

  ‘Why don’t you get Seb to wash his hands? This’ll be done in a minute or two.’

  She heard him go and let out a pent-up breath. At the same time the steam from the water billowed up around her face as she strained the pasta.

  How had it come to this? Yesterday she’d not had a care in the world. She and Seb had been good. School was good. Work was good. Home life was good. They’d been looking forward to Christmas, just a couple of weeks away—Seb praying for snow, as always.

  It had all been good.

  And yet today... Today her son had been in an accident and had been brought to her A&E. Jacob had turned up out of the blue. Her body had fired off little shots of adrenaline every time he came near and now he’d discovered he was father to her son!

  How could just one day change so much?

  Eva mixed in the cooked crab, then took the bowl of linguini and the side salad into the dining room and called them through.

  Jacob came in with Seb on his back and set him down by his chair.

  ‘This looks great.’

  She nodded her thanks and bade them sit. Seb helped himself first, and Eva served up salad to everyone’s plates as Jacob served the pasta.

  They all began to eat, at first in silence, enjoying the food, and then Seb asked his first question of the night.

  ‘Were there big lions?’

  Jacob finished his mouthful of food before answering, ‘In Africa? Yes, there were!’

  ‘Whereabouts in Africa were you?’ Eva asked.

  Jacob smiled at her. ‘Lots of places, but mostly I was in the Manyara region of Northern Tanzania. Do you know where Tanzania i
s?’ He looked to his son.

  Seb shook his head.

  ‘It’s between two countries called Somalia and Mozambique. I’ll show you on a map later, if you’d like?’

  ‘And you were doctoring people?’ Seb pushed a huge forkful of linguini into his mouth, sucking up a stray strand of pasta.

  Jacob laughed. ‘I was. It was a lot of hard work!’

  Eva watched the pair of them talking across the table. Seb looked so much like his father. It was hard to think that they had only met today. They even held their forks the same way.

  Seb nodded. ‘Why didn’t you phone me?’

  Jacob looked awkward. What would he say? Eva wondered.

  ‘There were some phones there, Seb, but they were old, and lots of them were broken, so a lot of the time they were useless. And I couldn’t use my mobile because... Well, there just aren’t any antennae over there. I’m sorry. I would have phoned you if I could.’

  Jacob glanced over at Eva and she looked down and away, thankful that he hadn’t blamed her outright, in front of their son, for his not even knowing about his existence.

  Jacob would have called his son if he’d known about him! That was what he’d been trying to say with that look. With just a single glance from those blue eyes of his.

  The pasta suddenly seemed inedible to her, sticking in her throat, and she had to take a large drink of juice to wash it down. Then, feeling very uncomfortable and needing some fresh air, she quickly stood up. ‘Excuse me a moment,’ she said, and disappeared back into the kitchen.

  Leaning back against the kitchen units, she held her hand to her mouth. Would Jacob ever let her forget what she’d done? Would he always try to punish her for not trying harder? She wasn’t sure she’d be able to put up with those reproachful eyes of his for evermore...

  She opened her fridge to check on dessert. The chocolate mousse was set, so that was fine. All she had to do was go back into the dining room and continue to pretend to Seb that everything was fine...

  Back at the table, Jacob was showing Seb something on his phone. ‘Do you see? That’s my parents’ place. Your grandparents. They own over ten acres there, and have it full of all the animals you’d find on a farm. Chickens, goats, alpacas...’ He sounded wistful.