A Father This Christmas?

by Louisa Heaton

  ‘What are they?’ Seb was flicking through the pictures on Jacob’s phone.

  ‘They’re like llamas.’

  ‘Don’t they spit?’ Eva cringed.

  Jacob laughed. ‘Sometimes. But alpacas are gentler, I think. Or so my parents used to tell me.’

  ‘Can we go?’ Seb looked to Jacob, then to Eva.

  Eva saw the look of joy and hope on his face. How could she say no?

  It would give Seb a chance to get to know his grandparents. Now that he had some. All he’d ever had family-wise was her. Now he had grandparents and uncles, aunts and cousins. Seb’s world was about to get a whole lot bigger. And though she’d wanted that for him, now that it was a reality she worried about it.

  She’d have to get to know them. She’d have to sit in front of them and be judged. Like before. When she was a child. And she wanted no one judging Seb like that. Seb was her son. The one thing in this world that she had to protect. Jacob’s family were strangers and she knew nothing about them.

  ‘I suppose... But maybe in a few weeks? If Daddy is happy to take you?’

  Jacob looked down at the floor. ‘Er...sure.’

  Eva could see that something wasn’t right. Jacob didn’t seem too keen on the idea. Why did Jacob seem apprehensive?

  Seb’s his son, too. Remember that.

  She’d never shared her son. Ever. And now Jacob would introduce him to his new family. And she had no idea how far away their place was, or what type of people they were, and there was black ice on the roads. Today had proved how dangerous it was to travel.

  What would they make of him? His grandparents?

  What was she thinking? They’d love him. Of course they would! A new grandson to spoil. They’d love and adore Seb, surely. Welcome him into the Dolan fold without a backward glance.

  Hopefully...

  She had no idea what it was like to have grandparents. She could only imagine what they would think of her.

  They’ll judge me. Keeping their grandson from them for all these years...

  Seb looked disappointed at her response. She could see he was keen to go. Jacob was staring at her.

  ‘They will look after him.’

  ‘I’m sure they will. It’s just—’

  ‘They’re his grandparents.’

  ‘I know they are. So...why don’t you seem to want to go?’

  Jacob looked down at his plate and she could see he was clenching and unclenching his jaw.

  ‘It’s a long story.’

  ‘Well, maybe I need to hear that story before I let you take my son somewhere that might not be safe.’

  ‘It’s safe!’ He almost laughed out loud. ‘What...? You think there are monsters there or something?’

  Eva glared at him. Talking about monsters in front of Seb! He had no idea how his son might feel, hearing his daddy talk about monsters! Seb could be terrified—Jacob wouldn’t know!

  ‘People aren’t always the nicest.’

  ‘My family are very nice.’

  ‘So why don’t you want to go?’

  He looked cornered, looking to Seb first, then back to Eva. Eventually, he let out a breath. ‘Because they don’t know I’m back in the UK yet.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I have...reasons.’

  ‘I’d like to know what they are.’

  Seb sucked up another long piece of pasta and grinned at his dad.

  ‘We haven’t spoken for a while. There wasn’t a falling out—there weren’t any arguments—it was just that I needed to get away for a while, and I didn’t contact them or speak to them in the time I was away. The longer it got, the more difficult it became and now it’s...almost impossible.’

  Eva considered his words. ‘You haven’t spoken to them for four years? If there were no fallings-out, then ring them. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to hear from you.’

  ‘I’m sure, too.’

  ‘Yet you still haven’t done it?’

  ‘No.’

  Jacob pushed some pasta round his plate. She watched him as she absentmindedly used her fork to twist and turn her own pasta. Seb was still eating hungrily. Her son’s eyes were gleaming and bright, full of childish enthusiasm.

  Jacob watched his son—gazing upon his mirror image, taking in all the details of Seb’s face. The chicken pox scar above Seb’s left eyebrow. The small mole below his ear. The light smattering of freckles across Seb’s nose that were more Eva than him.

  Eva thought back to when she was pregnant. Desperately trying to track him down and let him know about his child! Unable to find him. She’d been so upset at not being able to give her son his father! But he’d moved on, as people always did in her life, and the disappointment at that fact had hit her so hard. She didn’t know why she’d expected it to be any different with him.

  And it was then and only then that she had truly understood just how alone in the world she was...

  She’d so wanted him to know! So wanted to have someone else there. To hold her hand. To reassure her that she could do this. To let her know that someone else cared about this baby with her—wanted to nurture it and love it and take care of it. To tell her that no longer would she have to walk through this world alone and on the edges of everyone else. That she would be a part of something. A team. United against the world.

  But no. He’d gone. And so she’d faced it alone.

  Until now.

  Those two were already bonding. Quicker than she’d ever imagined. She knew Seb had been excited to learn his father was back, but she’d expected him to question it further. To hold something of himself back, taking his time to decide whether or not he could trust his father. But, no, Seb hadn’t been like that at all! He was happy his father was here and he was carrying on as if they’d been together for always!

  Or maybe those were her own thoughts?

  While she’d carried Seb in her belly she’d tried over and over again to find Jacob. But eventually she’d had to admit defeat. As far as Eva had known, Jacob might never come back. As far as she had known his note might have been a lie—he might not have even been going to Africa, but slept with her and then disappeared because that was the type of man he was.

  Though there had been that look in his eyes that had told her he was different. She’d wanted to find him—she really had—but after she’d hit that dead end...life had got in the way. Looking after herself and then Seb had taken over, and then too much time had passed, and...

  She began to understand a little as to why Jacob had not contacted his family. The more time that passed, the more difficult it got. Perhaps they were more alike than she’d realised?

  Eva excused herself and scraped back her chair, taking away the pasta still on her plate and then coming back for theirs. Jacob and Seb had both cleared their plates—a first for Seb, who usually left something. She raised an eyebrow at his empty plate and was rewarded with a grin.

  ‘Ready for dessert?’

  They both nodded and looked up at her at the same time, and the looks were so devastatingly identical she felt her insides contract.

  In the kitchen, she scraped the plates and put them in the dishwasher, then she got the mousse from the fridge. She served it into three bowls and carried it back out to the table, serving Seb first, then Jacob. She sat opposite and mutely spooned up the chocolate.

  Normally it would have been delightful...enjoyable. But right now, she couldn’t taste anything and she might as well have been spooning sawdust into her mouth. It felt cloying and heavy and she didn’t enjoy it at all.

  Perhaps this was what second-guessing yourself felt like? Whatever it was she was doing, it wasn’t pleasant.

  Somehow she finished the mousse. So did Seb and Jacob. She took their dishes into the kitchen, only to hear Ja
cob follow her in and set down the condiments he’d brought through from the table.

  ‘Thank you for dinner. I didn’t know you were such a good cook.’

  ‘Well, there’s probably a lot we don’t know about each other. But when you’re alone you either learn how to cook well or how to cook quick, and I never was one for microwave meals.’ She turned to face him and once again tried to ignore the effect of his looks. He was effortlessly attractive and she found that annoying. Or was it the fact that she was still attracted to him that irritated her?

  The father of her child stood mere inches away, after all this time. A man she hadn’t seen for years now back, tanned, matured and still making her nerve endings sing like a performing choral act.

  The last time I saw you we were naked.

  And that was the problem. She could still picture that night. Still remember the effect of his touch...still recall how he’d made her feel, how he’d made her yearn for more. How they’d made a child that night and how it had been magical.

  The way he looked at her now wasn’t innocent, either. Could he remember, too? Did he remember how she’d ground herself against him? The way she’d gasped in delight at his touch?

  ‘I’m sorry, Jacob.’

  He raised an eyebrow. ‘For what, exactly?’

  ‘For not finding you. For letting you work with me this morning and still not telling you until I was backed into a corner.’ She bit her lip. ‘I should have persevered. I should have kept trying to find you.’

  He said nothing. Just stared at her. His eyes bored into her soul so intensely she got lost.

  ‘Okay. Thank you. Seb wants me to stay for a bit longer. So I can be here when he goes to bed and read him a story. Is that all right with you?’

  She nodded. ‘Of course.’

  * * *

  Seb’s bedroom was a little boy’s dream, as far as Jacob was concerned. The walls were blue and covered in lion posters. There was a small low bed, and Jacob could see tubs and tubs of toys. There was a giant beanbag in one corner, and a small desk and chair piled high with books. A garage set lay under the window and from the ceiling hung many different plane models and homemade paper chains.

  Seb’s room was perfect for a boy, and he could imagine what it must be like to enjoy this room as a child.

  ‘Wow! Great room, Seb.’

  ‘Mum painted it. I did this bit.’ Seb pointed.

  Jacob made a point to study the windowsill. ‘You’ve done a great job. You sure you haven’t done this sort of work before?’

  ‘I paint pictures in nursery.’

  Jacob nodded. Seb was already in his onesie and had climbed into bed. ‘So what book are we reading?’

  ‘That one.’ Seb pointed at a book.

  Jacob settled down next to his son and felt envious of all that he’d missed. Cinema trips, meals out, watching Seb grow... Being there for illnesses and birthdays. And for all those other times when nothing actually happened but you were just in each other’s company, watching television or sitting on the sofa.

  Christmases...

  All those magical times he’d not been there. It made his heart feel leaden even to think about it. But was it best that it had happened this way? Would he have been ready for this kind of responsibility three years ago?

  Jacob picked up the book, found the bookmark and opened up the pages. ‘I’ve not read this one.’

  ‘We’ve read it lots of times.’ Seb fiddled with his quilt. ‘Will you go back to Africa?’

  Jacob looked hard at his son and saw fear in Seb’s eyes. ‘I said I would, but... You’ve grown so big and I’ve missed so much... I don’t want to miss a single second more.’

  Seb smiled and snuggled down into his bed. ‘Will you read to me every night now?’

  ‘I’ll try. I’d better ask your mum first—if I can come round every night.’

  His son propped himself up on his elbows and frowned. ‘But don’t you live here?’

  How could he explain? How could he explain to Seb that his father and his mother had never even been in a proper relationship? That it had been one night when he’d let himself get carried away by a redhead with a body that wouldn’t quit and the kind of lips that ought to have come with a health warning.

  It was all too complicated. And he didn’t want to blame Eva in front of Seb, either.

  ‘I wasn’t sure if your mum would have room, so all my things are at my flat.’

  ‘But now you can bring your clothes here.’

  Jacob ruffled his son’s hair, marvelling at the softness of it under his fingers. ‘Maybe. Settle down, then—let’s read you the next chapter of this story.’

  But his private thoughts lingered on how to sort out this situation between himself and Eva.

  Clearly Eva hadn’t told Seb the truth about their relationship. How could she? Seb was so young still. He could understand that. He wouldn’t want to tell a child about that, either.

  He’d been so apprehensive about coming here tonight. Learning about Seb had been such a shock to his system. One minute he’d been a single guy, with his only commitment being a temporary contract with the hospital, and the next, he’d found out that he was a father! And not to a baby about to be born, but to a three-year-old child!

  He’d been furious after Eva had left the hospital. Livid. But then, after a bit of fresh air up on the hospital roof, other thoughts had entered his head. What if he wasn’t a good dad? What if he had no idea of how to do it? It had been so long since he’d last allowed himself to care for someone. To love someone. He’d spent so long with his heart locked away in a box...

  But a child needed love. Deserved to have it!

  He wished he’d found out about Seb sooner, but there was no way he could have done—no way he could have predicted the consequences of that night. He’d used protection with Eva. He’d only known her first name, and he hadn’t taken her number or found out where she worked. It had been first names only and one hot, unforgettable night. He hadn’t asked her any questions, because he hadn’t needed to know.

  She’d been his gorgeous redhead, his mesmerising siren, and he hadn’t wanted to talk, or to think, or to second-guess. He’d wanted simply to go with the flow and enjoy the ride his body was taking him on. To allow her to soothe his soul. And though it had only been one night, it had made him feel alive once more. He’d hardly been able to believe it had made such an impact on him.

  She’d filled his dreams for weeks afterwards. Every now and again he would think he’d caught the scent of her perfume, even though he’d known she was on a different continent!

  He’d have had no way of tracking her down, the same way she hadn’t been able to find him. Although he supposed he could have asked his friends. The ones at the party. Though actually they had been more friends of friends. But he could have asked them who the mesmerising redhead was, who Eva was...

  Which, technically, he had done when he’d got back to the UK.

  He shifted slightly and turned a page of the book, not really in the story, but lost in his own thoughts.

  Upon his return to England he’d called a friend from the party that night. He’d asked him vaguely, as if it weren’t important, if he could remember that night. If he could remember someone called Eva.

  Mark had joked and joshed with him about it, and said that he couldn’t, but then later that day Jacob had received an email from him, with Eva’s full name.

  It had been as simple as that to find out where she was currently practising. Thank goodness she wasn’t called Smith or Jones. Thank goodness she wasn’t married! Because she might have been—there was no reason why she wouldn’t have met someone else in the time they’d been apart. She probably wouldn’t even remember him.

  But he’d wanted the chance to see her again. Because for s
ome reason—even after all those years—he’d never been able to get the image of her out of his head. She’d done something to him that night—something otherworldly that had brought him back to who he really was—and he’d wanted to feel that way again. Being in Africa had taught him that something was missing in his life—and he’d thought maybe, if he was brave enough to seek out Eva, he’d find it once more.

  But he’d come back and discovered that he had a son...

  Wow.

  He wanted to know his son—although just looking at him it already felt as if he’d known Seb his whole life. It was like looking at a mini-me, only with paler skin and freckles.

  The burden of responsibility hit him hard. A son! A three-year-old boy who would want to look up to his father and emulate him. Could he be that role model?

  There was no question about it.

  It was a tough situation, and he’d had enough of those to last him a lifetime: Michelle... The Wedding That Never Was...

  Over time it had been easier to lock away his heart for good, to disappear when things got tough—to take a breather and throw himself into work until he could get his head around how he was feeling.

  But finally he’d felt ready to come back. Strong enough to find Eva and to continue to be the best doctor he could be. Only now he could add another role to the one of doctor.

  Father.

  And he wanted to be the best father he could be...

  For Seb...and for himself.

  * * *

  Eva had cleared away the dishes downstairs, cleaned the kitchen and sat down on the sofa, fidgeting with her mug of tea as she waited for Jacob to reappear.

  This was the first night in a long time that she had not read her son his bedtime story.

  Because his father was doing it! Jacob. The one man all other men had had to live up to. Not that there’d been many other men. Not seriously anyway. She’d had the odd dinner date, or been invited out to coffee, but she’d always stopped it at that. Though it had been nice to know that men still found her attractive, she’d made it clear to each and every one of them that it would not get serious. Because after a couple of dates they’d always wanted to get more involved in her life than she was prepared for—they’d wanted to meet Seb.