I Don't Regret You

by Larson, Jodie

“Is that my punishment?”

  “Oh no. You’re not getting off that easy.”

  A sly smile creeps onto his lips. “Can I pick when and where?”

  I jab my mitten into his chest. “No sexual punishment.”

  “You’re no fun.” His laughter dies down as he seals his lips over mine once more. We don’t go far, knowing we have an audience. Promises were made and if we don’t deliver the goods, there will be hell to pay.

  “My house or yours?”

  I bite my lower lip. Tough decision. But I know what I want.

  “Yours.”

  “Good answer.” Henry helps me up and brushes the snow off me, spending too much time around my ass and breasts. I bat his hands away with a tsk.

  We gather up the kids and head out of town to his place. Jacob and Cassie don’t object. They’re just as excited about going there as I am, though for a completely different reason.

  I stir the liquid in the pot while Henry starts a fire in the living room. The kids huddle around the crackling blaze, trying to warm up and talking over each other. Everything about this feels right, down to the flannel pajama pants and t-shirt I borrowed from Henry since my clothes got soaked from his snowbank assault. Water resistant snow pants my ass.

  “I love this look on you.” He sneaks up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. Finding that spot on my neck, he lightly runs his lips over it first, then his tongue, sending a wave of goose bumps over my skin.

  “You’re not too disappointed that I wouldn’t let you watch me undress?”

  He nips my earlobe, his breath hot against my skin. “Only a little. But I’ll get a show later.”

  I turn my head slightly. “Later? What makes you think there’ll be a later?”

  Turning the stove off, he slides us over until my back is pressed against the counter. “Stay the night.” It’s not a question.

  I shake my head. “I can’t. The kids…”

  “Will be just fine. They can sleep in their rooms and you can finally spend the night in my bed.”

  Have we really only had sleepovers at my house? Not with the kids in tow, of course. I don’t know what to do. This relationship is still so new and fragile, yet one wrong move and I can screw up my chances in court of getting everything I want. Then again, how’s Mike going to find out?

  “We shouldn’t.”

  “He can’t hurt you anymore, Jocelyn.” He tips my chin up to meet his eyes. “You’re safe. Nothing will happen to you or the kids. I’ll make sure of it.”

  The conviction in his voice is almost believable. Unfortunately, I’ve been under Mike’s thumb for too long and know what he’s capable of. No one is safe. Not until I have an order from the court laying it down in writing.

  But, once again, I can’t say no. “Okay. I work in the morning, so we’ll have to leave early.”

  Henry picks me up and twirls me around the kitchen. “No problem. We’ll set an alarm and wake up before the kids so you don’t have to worry about them finding us. It’ll work, I promise.”

  “You’re pushy, you know that?”

  That stops him in his tracks. “What? No, that’s not what I meant. The last thing I want to do is pressure you into something you’re not ready for.”

  I lift a hand to cup his cheek. “If I didn’t want to, I’d say so. You make it hard to resist. This is something new for me too.”

  “What?”

  My lips turn up in the corners. “Being given a choice.”

  Before we have the chance to progress any further, footsteps slap against the wood floors, separating us as if we’ve been caught doing something wrong.

  “We’re hungry,” Lauren says.

  “And thirsty,” Cassie adds.

  Henry picks Lauren up and ruffles Cassie’s hair. “Want to help me make pizzas?”

  Lauren’s face brightens instantly. “Special pizzas?”

  He nods. “You can each make your own.” Lauren wiggles out of his hold and runs to get the other two, shouting the plans down the hall.

  I laugh. “I take it this is a regular thing?”

  Henry taps my nose. “Only on days when I don’t feel like cooking.”

  “It’s a good plan. Who can resist pizza?”

  “Zombies.” And now we’ve come full circle. Fiend.

  The six of us eat in silence, our personal pizzas practically gone from the plates.

  “Who wants a sleepover?” I ask, brushing the crumbs off my fingers.

  “Can we?” Jacob perks up, looking over to Luke who’s sporting an equally large grin.

  Henry nods. “If you want.”

  “But we don’t have any pajamas,” Cassie says quietly.

  “You can borrow some of mine,” Lauren says. Cassie perks up as they ask to be excused from the table. I nod and remind them to put their plates in the dishwasher first. They follow instructions and take off down the hall.

  Jacob frowns. “What about me?”

  I look to Henry. What are we going to do about him?

  “I think I have a pair of drawstring shorts that will work. And a t-shirt, of course.”

  Luke takes his plate to the kitchen. “We can build a fort on my bunk bed. It’ll be fun.”

  Jacob nods, sporting a smile. “Yeah, that’ll work. Thanks, Henry.”

  The boys disappear down the hallway, leaving us alone again.

  We wash the dishes and retreat to the living room, snuggling against each other on the couch. The fire’s still roaring and feels good. It’s surprising me how comfortable I am in his house the more time I spend here.

  “Want to watch some TV? I can make popcorn.”

  I shake my head, putting a hand to my stomach. “No food for me. I’m still stuffed from pizza.”

  Henry runs a hand over my thigh, curling it around the middle. “Just TV then? Maybe some background noise while we play guess the body part?”

  Leaning toward him, I catch a whiff of his cologne, closing my eyes as I sigh. “Tempting, but not while the kids are up. How about a movie?”

  His frown is comical. “Fine.” Mr. Pouty Pants struts over to the movie cabinet, giving me a good glimpse of his ass. Maybe just a quick game of guess the body part?

  Henry reclaims his seat, pulling me close to his side again while draping the blanket over us. The chill is definitely gone from my body. Being next to him is enough to warm me from the inside out.

  The opening credits start, bringing a smile to my face. “Ghostbusters?”

  “Mm hmm. It’s kinda sexy, don’t you think?”

  I quirk a brow. “How so?”

  “Well.” He taps his chin. “Pretty sure you see part of Sigourney Weaver’s boob.”

  “Seriously? That’s what you define as sexy?”

  “Unless you want to show me your boob…”

  The movie gets pushed to the side as we go with the original plan–second base.

  A quiet cough interrupts us, pulling us apart with a gasp.

  “Lauren? Cassie?” We look between the two girls, both rubbing their eyes with sleep.

  “Can we get a drink of water?”

  Thank God the blanket was over us. The last thing we need is to start flashing the kids.

  “Sure, come on.” I take their hands, letting Henry stay behind. Pretty sure if he got up they’d have more questions than he’d want to deal with.

  Once their glasses are drained, I kiss them goodnight and they scurry back to bed. Just to be on the safe side, I walk to Luke’s door and peek my head inside. Both boys are on the bottom bunk, blankets draped along the one side as a makeshift tent.

  Luke is about as close to a little brother as Jacob’s going to get. Hopefully nothing happens to us because the kids would be devastated. This was what I feared. Attachment. Not only for me but for Cassie and Jacob.

  I’ve done this all wrong. I should have waited until I was completely free, then waited to see how the relationship would go before introducing the kids to him. Now, if something goes wrong,
their hearts will be broken as well.

  Henry scoots over when I walk back to the couch, pulling me into his side. I rest my head on his shoulder, but make no other moves to rekindle what we started.

  “What’s wrong?” He pulls back, trying to get a read on my emotions. Honestly, I can’t even keep up. Between my impending court date, dealing with Mike, and balancing my new life, it’s too much. I’m just…tired.

  It’s not fair to lay this all on his shoulders. He shouldn’t be dragged into my messy life. I kiss the corner of his mouth. “It’s nothing. I’m exhausted.”

  He narrows his eyes. Not sure if he believes me or not, but it doesn’t matter. Attachments are forming. It’s too soon. It’s only been six months since Henry rescued me on the side of the road, starting our path to become more than acquaintances. This is further than I’ve gotten in any relationship without uttering those three little words. The killer of every happiness I ever thought I’d experienced. I won’t do it this time.

  “Let’s go to bed.” The resignation in his voice is a direct hit to my heart. Everything was fine until I saw what could be. What is wrong with me? Am I not capable of staying happy?

  Shutting the door to his bedroom, we crawl into bed in silence. He makes no move to ask me again what’s wrong and I’m not about to tell him the real issue.

  He pulls me into his chest; the big spoon to my little. I lace our fingers together and place them above my heart. The stupid organ is giving me away, beating faster than normal. It’s the intimate way he’s holding me, not pushing for anything more than I want. The issue is I want it all but deserve none.

  “Talk to me,” he whispers in my ear.

  “It’s not that easy.” If only it were.

  Henry rolls me over to face him. In the dark, he’s a protector, warding off all negative thoughts and keeping me safe, even while I sleep. I always feel cherished in his arms, but telling him my issues, knowing they’ll break his defense, kills me a little.

  I press my palm against his chest, feeling the steady beat. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and let go. “I’m afraid of what’s happening. Things are changing too fast and I don’t know how to handle it.”

  “You have every right to be afraid. But Jocelyn, I want to help you.” He cups my cheek. I can’t see his eyes, but I know what they look like. How he’s trying to show his emotions and ease my fears.

  “I’m not sure you can.”

  “Tell you what.” He flips on the bedside lamp. I squint against the intrusion of light. “I will do whatever you want me to do. If you want me around, I’m here. If you tell me to go…I’ll do that too. Only for you. But I really hope you’ll ask me to stay. You have this preconceived notion in your head of how things are supposed to be. Let it go. There’s no rulebook, no teacher grading you on how you’re living your life. The only person you answer to is you.” His eyes crinkle around the corners as he smiles. “And I’d really like to stick around to see how you want your life to be.”

  Damn him. How does he always know exactly what to say to calm the storm in my head? I push him onto his back and straddle his waist. Leaning down, I take my time kissing him, exploring his mouth for once. His words still rattle around my head, at war with my own, but for now, as we strip off our clothes, I want nothing but silence and him.

  “Let’s do lunch,” Brenda says, taking her usual perch on the corner of my desk.

  I look up from my computer and take the pencil out of my mouth. Stupid nervous habit I can’t seem to kick. Not that I have anything going on right now. Only a divorce that’s almost finished. Oh, and trying to be civil to Mike when every ounce of my body wants to tell him to fuck off. According to the kids, he’s been acting strange lately. When they came home last weekend from their visit, Cassie was quiet. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing then went straight to her room. Jacob did the same thing. They didn’t come out until dinner that night. Three days of this is enough. Tonight, I’m sitting them down and figuring out what happened at their dad’s house.

  “Can we drink our lunch? I could use one right now.”

  Brenda laughs. “If only.” Grabbing my purse, we walk to the front and wave to Leslie as she answers the phone. It’s surprisingly warm out today for the end of March. I was tempted to bring my spring coat, but looked at the forecast and saw a front was coming through. Never trust the weather up here. It’ll change on you in an instant.

  “Hey,” Henry says, stopping us on the sidewalk.

  I tilt my head to the side. “Hey. What are you doing here?”

  He shoves his hands into his pockets, pushing his shoulders up to his ears. “I was coming to see you, actually. Wanted to know if you were hungry.”

  “Famished,” Brenda says, answering for me. “Care to join us?”

  Nodding his head, he grabs my hand and follows us to Brenda’s car. Like the gentleman he is, he opens the door for me, both entering and exiting the car, then again when we walk into the only Chinese restaurant in town.

  The whole ride over, I had a nagging feeling like something wasn’t right. Not sure what, so I brushed it off, set to enjoy my lunch date with my friend and boyfriend.

  “Tell me about your plans? Curious minds want to know,” Brenda asks as she shoves a forkful of fried rice into her mouth.

  Henry coughs once. “Plans?”

  “For our girl here,” she says, nodding in my direction.

  She didn’t…seriously? I can feel the flush crawling up my neck. By now I must look like a tomato.

  I turn to Henry who’s hiding a smile behind his napkin. “You do not have to answer that question.”

  “Says you. I want to know.” Brenda tosses a pea that had rolled off her plate at me. I bring my hands up just in time to deflect it.

  “I wouldn’t say they’re plans exactly. More of a vague concept.”

  “Ooh, mysterious. But you have something in mind?”

  God, this is so embarrassing. Is she insane? Rather than butt in, I keep my mouth occupied with the sesame chicken on my plate. If I shovel enough in, she won’t ask me any questions. Or I’ll have to go to the bathroom from overeating. Either way, the conversation will not include me.

  “Definitely.” He grabs my hand that’s under the table, giving it a reassuring squeeze. I look over and smile. He’s too damn cute for his own good.

  “Okay, next question.”

  “What is this, an interrogation?” I’m surprised my voice works.

  Brenda waves me off. “Why did you stay single for so long?”

  I’ve asked him this once before and he gave me a swoony answer. What is he going to tell her?

  “Well,” he starts, adjusting in his seat as if it’s going to take a while. “Wendy and I split up because I worked nonstop at the restaurant. She complained I was never home and wasn’t around for the kids like I should be. After the divorce, I sat and thought about what she’d said and realized she was right. I couldn’t stop being at the restaurant since that was my job, but I modified my hours to make time for the kids. I hired more help in the kitchen and now I’m finally at a place where I can make everything work. Personally and professionally.”

  Okay, he never told me that. Sure, I’ve noticed that he’s spending more time with me or adjusting his schedule for us. I didn’t think anything of it. And I always assumed his job and lack of presence at home was the downfall of his marriage. When one person is always distant, it’s hard to stay together. Or in my case, when you get shoved aside.

  “Realizing it is half the battle. Doing something about it is the final step.” Brenda smiles. “I’m glad you’ve got everything figured out. Now pass some of that knowledge to this girl because she needs it.”

  I press my lips together. “I’m figuring it out.” I can’t keep a straight face or contain my laughter.

  After another round of questions, Henry picks up the bill and heads to the counter to pay for it, against both our objections.

  “What are you doing?”
I hiss. Brenda just laughs.

  “Getting the ball rolling for you. Girl, you need to wake up. He’s falling for you.”

  “He is not.”

  She lets out a sigh. “Remember at girl’s night, which reminds me, the weekend after your divorce is final, keep that open.” I wave a hand, indicating for her to continue. “Anyway, remember how we all thought he was the most eligible bachelor?”

  “Yeah?” I say tentatively.

  “And I know you know about the fact he never had extra help in the kitchen.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Until now.”

  “Your point?” I push some remaining rice across my plate.

  “My point,” she says, drawing my attention back to her, “is that he’s making changes for you.”

  I refuse to believe her. “You don’t know that for sure. What if he’s been planning this all along and it just coincides with my sudden presence in his life?”

  Brenda puts her face into her hands. “I swear you are the most stubborn woman I’ve ever met.”

  Henry chooses this time to walk back to our table. Thank God. I was finished with this conversation anyway.

  The ride back to our office was fairly quiet. Brenda hummed to the radio while Henry leaned forward to rub one of my shoulders. Then there’s me, fidgeting with my fingers in my lap, trying to stop the rush of doubts circling my head. Unease settles back in and I can’t seem to shake it. Something’s wrong.

  Brenda parks in her spot, making sure to ditch us as quickly as she can, saying her thanks over her shoulder.

  “I like her,” Henry says, jabbing his thumb in her direction.

  “Yeah, she’s one of my only friends here. She’s been my saving grace.”

  He takes a step closer, putting us nearly chest to chest. When he runs his hand through my hair, I lean into the touch and close my eyes. The doubts fade away, but the unease remains.

  “Mike have the kids tonight?”

  I nod. “Yeah, since I have to work.”

  “Damn boss is a slave driver.” His eyes crinkle in the corners. He looks so young and playful.

  I can’t help but smile. “Someone should put him in his place.”

  “Like yours?” There’s the devilish grin I was waiting for.