I Don't Regret You

by Larson, Jodie

  “Never leave me alone,” I say, breaking for air. Maybe it’s the passion talking, but in this moment, I mean every word. My world feels right when he’s here. I know he feels it too. Every look he gives shows how much I mean to him.

  “I’ll always be here for you.”

  And I know he means it.

  My bottom lip feels raw from my teeth as I pace the room, waiting for Mike to show up. He’s not going to like this and I need to prepare for a battle.

  How could he expect me to just lie down and not put up a fight? Who in the hell does he think he is dictating how I live my life?

  Because you let him walk all over you in the past.

  Right.

  After talking with Tricia, whose son is also in Jacob’s grade, she insisted on keeping the kids tonight. It’s been cathartic talking about my divorce with others, even though it’s hard to realize how oblivious I was. I had to talk her off the ledge a couple times when she finally got me drunk enough to spill everything that’s happened over the last few years. Now I have more than Henry in my corner. All the girls have vowed to rally behind me, giving me any support I need throughout the process.

  It doesn’t make this moment any less scary. Sure, talking a big game is one thing. Following through is a whole other story.

  The unmistakable rumble of his truck perks up my ears. I blow out a quick breath.

  Breathe. Just breathe.

  He bangs on the door and I take my time opening it. Probably shouldn’t poke the bear, but I can’t help it.

  “The kids ready?” Mike stomps into the entryway, spreading around the residual snow from outside.

  “They’re not going with you tonight. Or ever.”

  He whips around quickly, anger radiating off him in waves. “What?”

  I straighten to my full height. “You heard me. They’re not going with you.”

  Mike’s face changes color gradually from white to pink, finally to red. “The hell they’re not. We agreed they’re with me tonight so you better hand them over.”

  “No.” I’m surprised my voice hasn’t cracked yet. “I’ve heard about how things are at your apartment.” I use quotation fingers to really drive in the point.

  He blinks at me for a moment, obviously stunned.

  “Yeah, after the crap you pulled last week, you didn’t think the kids would tell me how you don’t have a place to live and are using your friend’s apartment on the nights you have the kids?” I take a step closer. “And you had the audacity to make me feel like a bad parent because I have a boyfriend? How dare you!”

  Mike grits his teeth, gearing up for a battle. Well, that makes two of us. This stops now.

  “It’s none of your damn business what I do with the kids on my days.”

  “The hell it’s not!” I scream at him. “They’re my kids. It’s my job as a parent to know where they are all the time. And stupid me believed for two seconds that you would be responsible and take care of your own kids. That somehow in the few months we were apart you had grown up. Not anymore. They’re staying with me until our divorce is final. Even then, I’ll make sure they’re still with me.”

  Anger lights his eyes. “You can’t keep me from them.”

  “You don’t fucking care about them anyway! You haven’t changed at all. You still drink every night, don’t keep food in the house that isn’t yours, and bring home women after the kids have gone to bed. Which to me says you leave them without supervision. How’s that going to look?”

  He takes a menacing step toward me. Instinct has me backing away. No matter how hard I try to be brave, when he looms over me, it still stops my heart.

  “You’re right,” he says quietly. “How is it going to look in court? If you bring this up, I’ll paint a pretty picture of the affair you’ve been having, forcing me to leave because you destroyed our home.”

  I balk. “Who would believe you? The reason for the divorce has already been documented when you filed the papers. If you change your story now, it’ll look worse for you. How about you just stay out of our lives forever?”

  Mike backs me up against the wall. Visions of previous encounters flood my memory. This time, I won’t back down.

  “You’ll regret this.”

  With a sneer, he flies out the door, rattling the pictures as it slams shut. I take a few deep breaths, desperately trying to fill my lungs to their capacity. This took more strength than I knew I had. The look of shock on his face as I stood my ground was worth it.

  It doesn’t stop the bile from rising as I make a mad dash to the bathroom, making it just in time to reach the toilet.

  After a swig of mouthwash, I find my phone on the table and dial Connor’s number.

  “Jocelyn?” A book closes in the background. Once again, I’ve failed to call during normal hours. I can only imagine how much he’s going to charge me.

  “Sorry to call you at home. Again. Um, I did a thing tonight and I’m not sure how this is going to look for next week.”

  “What did you do?”

  Grabbing a glass of water, I take a quick sip before speaking. Connor isn’t happy about my vague call. Whether I tell him about it now or later doesn’t matter. What’s done is done.

  “I didn’t send the kids with Mike this weekend.”

  It takes him a second to respond. “What? Why would you do that?”

  “After his threats from last week, the kids broke down and told me what’s really going on when he takes them.”

  “Which is?”

  “He doesn’t have a place of his own and uses a friend’s apartment when he picks up the kids. The drinking hasn’t stopped and has escalated to him leaving them alone at night while he goes out to pick up women to bring back to the apartment.”

  Connor stays quiet again. “Okay, take the weekend to breathe and relax. You’re still planning on coming to my office on Tuesday, right?”

  “Yes,” I say tentatively.

  “Okay, so we’ll talk more then.”

  He seems awfully calm for a bomb that was just dropped on him. “That’s it?”

  “Yep.” There’s a hint of humor in his voice. “See you Tuesday.”

  I disconnect the call and sit on the edge of the couch. I know he has something in the works, but I would have expected more of a reaction. No time to dwell on it now.

  Henry is the next call I have to make.

  “How’d it go?” The concern in his voice lifts my spirits.

  “Fine. Lots of yelling, which was expected. I even managed to get that vein to pop out from the side of his head.”

  Henry laughs, but it’s short-lived. “He didn’t hurt you?”

  “No, just backed me into a corner like usual. Only this time I stunned him by standing up for myself.”

  “I’m proud of you.”

  Four simple words that mean so much right now. “Thanks. That’s not the reason why I’m calling. I’m meeting with Connor on Tuesday. Would you be able to pick up the kids after school in case I’m not back in time?”

  “Consider it done.”

  “You’re the best.”

  “I know.” I can picture the smirk on his face. It brings a smile to my own. “Busy tonight?”

  “Not really. Tricia was adamant that they stay with her tonight, so I have the whole house to myself.”

  “Want to Netflix and chill?” he asks, sex dripping from his voice.

  A buzz settles between my legs as I press them together. “Possibly.”

  “Be there around ten.”

  What would I do without that man?

  After a lengthy phone call to my mom, who also states how proud she is of me for standing my ground, I decide on a long soak in the tub. There’s a bath bomb calling my name.

  The clock on the wall ticks away, not helping quell the sickness floating around my stomach. Connor hasn’t said much, only filtered through the file on his desk, letting the ruffle of paper compete against the clock for the loudest noise. Except for the blood rushing t
hrough my ears. That’s winning by far.

  Mike’s threat still haunts me, even though I know nothing will come of it. Still, it’s been too many sleepless nights. The stress of it all is showing on my face. New lines appear almost daily, even though Henry says I’m crazy.

  Once Mr. Davenport found out about my divorce–thanks to Leslie and her big mouth–he told me I could use my vacation time whenever I needed to during this whole process. Apparently, he wasn’t a big fan of Mike’s either. Told me it made him proud to see me get away.

  Like Henry says, I really don’t pay attention.

  The hour drive to Connor’s office was hell. His easy dismissal of my direct violation of the agreement had me picturing so many scenarios: a cop waiting for me when I walked in, a social worker grabbing the kids from school knowing I’m away and can’t do anything about it, a screaming match with Connor based on my stupidity.

  I’ve watched way too many Lifetime movies.

  None of which happened. Instead, I was ushered in by his secretary and greeted with a warm smile.

  Connor finally looks at me after lining up several papers in front of him. “Jocelyn, I know I was vague on the phone the other night, but there was good reason.” I stare blankly at him. He folds his hands and leans forward on his desk. “It appears that your soon-to-be-ex-husband hasn’t always been honest with you.”

  “I hope you’re not expecting me to be shocked about this revelation.”

  He laughs. “Hardly, however, I do want to update you on what he has been doing. I’ve had a private investigator follow him since you hired me. Normally I leave well enough alone, but something your dad had told mine stuck out. On his urging, I hired the guy to do some digging around, trying to figure out what exactly we’re dealing with.”

  Oh God, what did my dad tell him? It could be any number of things, but nothing heinous comes to mind to warrant the need for an investigator.

  Connor takes my silence and moves on. “It appears Mike was kicked out of his bowling league shortly after he filed for divorce. Apparently, he slept with a girlfriend of his teammate, which caused a fight. He was arrested for disorderly conduct, but nothing ever went on his record because the other guy failed to cooperate with the police.”

  “Can we use that against him?” I cross my fingers.

  “We can but it won’t be enough to show any sort of pattern of behavior or misconduct.” A slow smile crawls onto his face. “Your stunt over the weekend apparently was enough to push him in the direction we needed to finally bust him.”

  “Bust him?” Now I’m wholly confused. What is he talking about?

  Connor laughs. “After your call, I informed my investigator what you told me and he started doing more digging on Mike. Not only did he verify what you told me, he found out where he goes when he leaves the kids. It just so happens that he picked up a woman last night from the bar he frequents and within a few blocks was pulled over by the police. After showing his obvious signs of intoxication, he was promptly arrested and booked into jail.”

  He…what? I can’t believe he was that stupid.

  “Where is he now?”

  “Still in jail. His court hearing is tomorrow, coincidentally right after your divorce hearing.” Connor leans back and steeples his fingers together. If I wasn’t already in a relationship with Henry, I’d kiss this god of a man. Though I’m sure his wife would object.

  Hope blossoms in my chest as I dare to smile.

  Connor stands and walks around his desk, taking a seat in the chair next to me. “I’ve been on the phone with his attorney most of the morning. He doesn’t have much to say, which isn’t surprising.” He pauses. “I think we should work out a new deal with Mike. Tell him we’ll stick with the current arrangement, with proof of an actual residence, and no alcohol near or around the kids. Or he can go to treatment and take parenting classes before resuming a visitation schedule. Either way, we’ll be asking for anger management classes before anything else happens.”

  Wow, I can’t believe Mike was stupid enough to do this right before our meeting. I knew he had problems, but not like this. “Anything else I need to be prepared for?”

  He just smiles and shakes his head. “I think that’s enough, don’t you?”

  “God, more than enough,” I groan. It makes him chuckle.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow.” We shake hands and part ways.

  A new set of nerves settles in as I make the drive home. I was expecting to be read the riot act, not told Mike was arrested.

  For the first time in months, I don’t fear the future. I’m confident everything will work out in our favor.

  Our life can finally start over with a clean slate.

  As I sit here looking at the paper, I reflect on how different my day turned out. Henry stayed by my side the entire time in court. Well, seated behind me since he couldn’t sit at the table. It didn’t matter. I could feel his presence like a warm hug wrapped around my body. Connor told me to stop fidgeting after I kicked him in the shin for the third time.

  The bailiff led Mike into the room, still dressed in jail jumpsuit and cuffs. After all the times I got mad at Mike, I never wanted to see him like this. The defeated look practically killed me. Never once did he look my way. It was for the best. I don’t know if I could have kept the tears at bay.

  Connor went first, stating in light of the newest charges against Mike, along with the possible allegations of neglect, he moves for sole, physical custody.

  Mike’s attorney was quiet as he stood. What he said shocked me to my core.

  “Circumstances have changed and my client has decided to reverse his position on custody. He does not contest the sole and physical petition and accepts the respondent’s offer of visitation to be continued once my client is released from treatment and after all legal issues have been cleared.”

  To say I was shocked was an understatement. Mike willingly gave me what I wanted. Without a battle. I looked to Connor, who sported a schooled version of my shocked expression. He waved a hand to me, silently indicating to not show emotion.

  “Are both parties agreeable to this?” the judge asks, pulling down his glasses to assess the both of us.

  “Yes,” Mike’s lawyer says. Connor stands and voices his agreement.

  He explained that child support will be reassessed once Mike’s case is finalized, which Connor said was acceptable. Connor also stated that we would not be seeking any spousal support. Mike’s lawyer agreed to the terms.

  Property was divided; we agreed to take what we brought in to the marriage and any sales would be split between us. I risked a glance at Mike, who kept his head down. This is his rock bottom. I only hope he finds the help he needs.

  As soon as the judge cracked the gavel, I leaped from my chair and hugged Connor.

  “I don’t know how I can ever repay you.” Literally. We never talked about how much this will cost me and I’ve been too afraid to ask.

  He patted my back and smiled. “It was my pleasure. I couldn’t have asked for a better outcome.”

  I chewed on my bottom lip while Henry held my hand. “So, um, when did you want me to start paying you?”

  Connor laughed, full-on laughed. “It’s been taken care of. The only thing I require is that you enjoy your life.”

  That earned him another hug before Henry escorted me out of the courthouse and into his car.

  The minute we got home, I called the realtor and put the house on the market. A fresh start is needed.

  I sit at the table and circle several apartments that seem promising in today’s paper. There aren’t many in town, which means I may need to move twenty miles away. Henry plops next to me, setting down my bright orange mug filled with coffee.

  “I found a place that’ll work for you,” he says, taking a sip from his mug.

  “Oh really?” I set the paper down. “Where?”

  “It’s a place just outside of town. You’ll have roommates, but I think you’d enjoy it.”

>   I laugh. “Don’t you think that’s a little too soon? I mean, my divorce has been final for what?” I look down at my watch. “Three hours? Besides, the kids and I need to branch out and grow still.”

  “I’ll charge you rent if it’ll make you feel better. And there’s plenty of room to grow on the twenty acres.”

  “Again with the pushiness. You’re adorable and all, but I’m putting my foot down on this one. The kids need to adjust and I’m not throwing all of us at each other right away.”

  “But Mom, they have a pool table,” Cassie says, darting around the corner.

  “And we already have everything figured out for bedrooms and sleeping arrangements,” Jacob adds.

  Turning my head, I glare at Henry, who’s trying to conceal his smile behind his coffee mug. “You’re turning my kids against me?”

  “Don’t think of it as turning them against you. It’s more like I’m using my resources wisely. Besides,” he takes the mug from my hands and sets it on the table, “we’d be helping each other. You can quit that horrible job at the restaurant and take on the fabulous job of live-in girlfriend. The benefits are excellent, I hear.” He wags his brows.

  I smack his leg. “And what if I refuse?”

  Jacob and Cassie stand next to Henry. All three have their bottom lip out with a full-on quiver and giant, puppy eyes. Damn them.

  “Jacob, Cassie, go to your rooms for a second. I need to talk to Henry alone.”

  They stomp off defeated, their heads hanging down as they disappear back around the corner. I narrow my gaze to the instigator of this whole shenanigan.

  “We cannot move in together. My God, what would we be teaching the kids?”

  Henry takes my hand in his. “We’d be teaching them what it’s like to have a stable household, that love exists between two people, and that when you follow your heart, you’ll never go wrong.”

  I shake my head. “It feels wrong.”

  “Does it?” He tips his head to the side.

  Damn. Caught.

  “No.” It’s hard to stay mad at him, especially when he’s bringing both our families together in a very Brady Bunch fashion. “I love you, but I’m not marrying you.”