A Love Worth Waiting For and Heaven Knows

by Jillian Hart

  Remember the verse from Jeremiah? She had hope and a future. She had to cling to that. To believe good things were possible.

  But the past clung to her like a shadow. Her mother’s words and Patrick’s polite, very gradual control. Odd how he’d often said the same thing to her, how lucky she was that he’d fallen in love with her. In all her twenty-four years, no one else had. Don’t think about the past, Alexandra. Or those harsh, painful words Patrick had said to her. The ones that made her feel smaller, less worthy, less everything.

  But here, she felt different. Renewed. The bright cheerful sounds of Hailey’s laughter flitted on the wind into the kitchen. Bev’s genteel alto voice answered, and the puppy yipped, bringing her back to the present.

  “Hey.” A man’s voice startled her. “Come in. Earth to Alexandra.”

  “John.” She almost dropped the plastic glass she was holding.

  There he was, too handsome to look at, even in a simple blue striped seersucker shirt, tucked into comfortable-looking, wash-worn jeans. The sight of him took her breath away. Made her wonder what it would be like to let those rock-solid arms fold around her. Made her wish she had the chance to know the feel of his comfort, his strength and his heartbeat against her cheek.

  “Want a glass of iced tea?” It was all she could think of to say, which was better than blurting out what she was really thinking—now there’s a good-looking man.

  “Sure, but you don’t have to wait on me. Here, let me help.” He took the glass, his big callused fingers closing over hers, leaving her breathless and trembling and feeling so incredibly female against his masculine strength. He towered over her as he used the ice maker in the refrigerator door. “Did Hailey make you max out my card at the pet store?”

  “We did our best.” Taking Hailey to the pet store was another memory she’d tucked into her heart. They were three females on the loose—including the puppy—going up and down the aisles searching for everything they wanted, and a lot of stuff they didn’t need. “Hailey is a serious shopper. When she gets to be a teenager, watch out.”

  “Don’t I know it? Mom has taught Hailey everything she knows. Which is, the more the merrier, and you can’t have enough shoes.”

  “At least Bev’s trained her right.”

  John filled a third glass and didn’t move aside when Alexandra sidled up to him to open the refrigerator door. They were so close, all she would have to do was reach out and her hand would brush his arm. She would feel that connection, that unique, strengthening power that made her heart soar.

  Unaware, John slid the last glass on the counter. “Let me.” He reached in front of her, his arm muscled and rock-hard, brushing against her forearm as he lifted the pitcher right out of her hands. “I heard Cameron came out to see you today. Did he treat you right?”

  “He sure did.” It was impossible not to notice the caring in his voice. “Cameron promised he’d watch the traffic coming through town for me.”

  “It’s a small town. It wouldn’t be too hard to spot a stranger matching Patrick’s description. We’re here if you need us.”

  “You’re going beyond the call of duty to help me. I don’t know why, but I appreciate it. I really do.”

  “What’s the mystery? You need help, and we’re helping you.” John said the words lightly. He pushed his feelings deeper inside where he couldn’t feel them and didn’t need to wonder what they meant. Didn’t need to admit he admired her more with every day that passed. Admired her? Well, it was more than that.

  Alexandra stood off to the side with her arms wrapped around her middle, looking so alone. Her chin was up, her spine stiff. She looked ready for a fight. Ready to stand up for herself. Such a frail woman, petite and wispy and as lean as a willow, but there was strength in her. He could see it.

  Whatever hardship she was running from, she would recover. She’d come back from it. He knew it, down deep. Maybe here could be a resting place for her. He liked knowing that he’d helped to make that possible. That he’d made a difference for her.

  She could stay here all summer. No reason why she couldn’t. She could watch Hailey full-time and ferry her around to her hundred thousand lessons and social appointments. And then, every evening when he came home from work, he’d have the chance to see her. She was so beautiful and alone and vulnerable, and when he looked at her he saw a future for the first time—

  Whoa. Hold on, John. You can’t go thinking like that. Pain arrowed through him, deep enough to rock his soul. He thought of Bobbie, laid to rest in the town cemetery and the day he’d buried her in a white coffin. Of three days before when he’d held her lifeless hand in the helicopter, while his friends did everything they could to try and keep her heart beating, to give her the chance at life.

  And failed. How the flat line went forever on the monitor, and the nurse put her face in her hands and wept. Everyone said it wasn’t his fault. He’d done everything he could to save her.

  No one knew that when she’d been falling to her death, she’d locked her gaze on his. Not looking down, but up at him. She’d always looked up to him, always told him he was her very own hero come to life.

  Hero? He’d been the worst failure. The worst sort of man that day, who hadn’t been strong enough.

  He didn’t know if he was any stronger now. “I hope you’re not getting tired of us already. I told you it was tough being around us. It was Hailey, wasn’t it? She wore you out shopping. Made you afraid to hang around and spend the summer with her.”

  “That was it. Shopping with Hailey and her puppy was the toughest job I’ve ever had. No one should be made to work under such conditions. Laughter. Giggling. The puppy to snuggle. Ice cream afterward.”

  “Torture by chocolate. It happens. I get too much of it here. There ought to be a law against that kind of abuse. A person can only take so much fudge sauce.”

  “Exactly. I’m going to report you to your cop friend. Tell him about the laughter in this house.”

  “Scandalous. The neighbors complain.”

  “The neighbors are a couple of miles away.”

  “Yep. With the wild social life I lead, the noise carries a far distance.”

  “Right. Hailey says you only date the TV.”

  “My affection for baseball is only surpassed by my obsession with football, but I’m not ashamed to admit it.”

  “That’s the first step toward recovery.” Alexandra snatched two of the glasses, leaving him one.

  “You don’t approve of sports?”

  “Sure, I love them. I’m not sure I approve of sitting on the couch instead of being outside where you can actually participate in a sport.”

  “You think I’m a couch potato, is that it?”

  “You sure look like one to me.” He looked about as soft as a hunk of steel, but she didn’t need to tell him that. “A serious couch potato. One that’s growing roots right into the sofa cushion.”

  “Yeah? I suppose it takes one to know one.”

  “What does that mean?” She waited while he opened the screen door. “You think I look like a couch potato?”

  “If the sofa fits…”

  “I’ll have you know I have plenty of outdoor activities. I hike.”

  “No kidding?” All at once the shutters were down, as John led the way onto the deck. There was a spring to his step, a liveliness that made the shadows in his eyes fade away, like morning mist giving way to the sun. “Me, too.

  “The guide I gave you ought to lead you to some great trails in this part of Montana, not just at Yellowstone. But since you’re not hanging around, I guess you’ll just have to suffer without seeing some of the best backcountry you’ll probably see.”

  “You’re trying to tempt me with promises of great natural beauty.”

  “Sure. It takes a hiker to know one. The question is, can you resist?” John set his glass on the wrought-iron table in the umbrella’s shade. “Hailey and I always take a trip when school lets out. We head up into the backcou
ntry and spend the night. Why don’t you come with us?”

  “You really know how to tempt a girl.”

  “Then you’d be interested?”

  “If the terms were right.” She flashed him one of her pretty smiles as she swished away.

  Marriage is like this. John wished the thought away, but it remained, steady like a light always burning and as sure as a new day dawning. He’d missed the companionship, the talk and the ease of being with another person who accepted you.

  Except this wasn’t a marriage; this was only reminding him of that amazing time in his life. That once-in-a-lifetime place, and he had no business confusing Alexandra’s friendship with his longing for a wife. To be married again. To have a woman at his side.

  Alexandra made him think about what he could never have again. That’s what this hard, sharp feeling was in his chest. The longing for a wife one day—the one thing he could never deserve.

  It had nothing to do with Alexandra. That’s why he couldn’t look anywhere else as she gazed up at him with those deep luminous eyes. Why he felt entranced when the breeze caressed a lock of her silken hair against the soft curve of her face. She looked a little better tonight, more relaxed. More assured.

  He liked seeing that change in her.

  “I’ll be right back.” Her numerous silver rings flashed in the sunlight, drawing his attention to those slim hands of hers, so delicate and feminine, so graceful even doing something ordinary like holding a plastic glass full of iced tea.

  Beautiful hands. She was beautiful in every way, and it ensnared his heart and broke it all at the same time.

  You can’t have her, John. And if she knew what you’d done, she wouldn’t want you. He squeezed his eyes shut, blocking out the sight of her walking away from him, but he already knew how she walked. He could see it in his mind’s eye. The curled ends of her brown hair swaying with her gait. The quiet way she moved, like a morning breeze in an alpine meadow. The way she gave a little flick of her wrist when she reached for the handrail. Her sneakers padded down the steps, and the bottom stair squeaked when she stepped on it.

  You’re in love with her, John. The single truth ran through his mind like the clear chime of a church bell, leaving no doubt. He wanted to deny it. He wanted to be noble and say there was no way he’d allow himself to feel that way—he had no right, it was not possible, it was only longing and loneliness and anything else he could think of.

  But there was no excuse on earth that could change the sharp pain that expanded with every beat of his heart. He loved Alexandra. The way a man loved a woman he wants to marry—truly and deeply.

  He felt as if the sun had gone out. The brightness dimmed from the day, and the shadows crept through him with the cold fingers of a winter’s night. He felt trapped in a cold dark place he couldn’t climb out of, and he watched, as if at a great distance, as Alexandra breezed across the lush green lawn, her voice a dulcet tone that touched his soul.

  He couldn’t hear what she was saying. She handed the glass to Bev, with that gentle quiet smile that made his soul ache with a longing so intense, he’d didn’t know which way was up or down.

  He loved Alexandra. It coursed through him like a raging river in a time of flood. Like blinding sunlight glaring off a mountain glacier that had been icing over and thawing, icing and thawing for a thousand years. Like a violent clap of thunder overhead that was the only sound in the world for that one brief instant, so loud and frightening and overwhelming, it made the ground shake.

  I can’t feel this way. John wanted to pray for this staggering emotion to lift from his heart, never to return. He felt choked and suffocated all at once, holding back the bright hot flood of love from taking over his soul.

  He could never let anyone know that he loved her. Especially Alexandra. So angelic and perfect and unbelievable. Look how she smiled. When her smile reached her eyes, and made them shine with light, he could see heaven.

  He felt unworthy to the core. To his soul. He could not move, paralyzed on the spot, as Alexandra knelt to pat the puppy’s soft head. Every movement she made was gentle and loving—how she ruffled her fingertips through the pup’s soft black fur, the tone of her voice and the way she laughed so wonderfully with Hailey when the little girl bent close.

  I don’t deserve to love Alexandra. She deserves better.

  It was tough, burying the feelings deep, but he did. He had no right to her. He couldn’t stop the powerful tides of his heart as he watched her steal the extra bubble wand from Hailey’s outstretched hand and keep it high as the puppy leaped. Her soft laughter filled his life and his heart like spring did the breeze, like dawn changed the world, and he was changed.

  He dared to look long enough to see Alexandra sweep the soapy wand along the ground, creating giant bubbles for the puppy to chase.

  “Look, Daddy! She can sure jump high!” Hailey gleefully swiped her wand, too. More iridescent bubbles rose from the ground, lifting into the air. “Did you see that? She can jump as high as an angel.”

  “Look.” Alexandra made more bubbles with the elegant sweep of her slim arm. The puppy leaped into the center of the big bubble, popping it, but for an instant the iridescence enveloped her.

  “Angel wings.” Alexandra formed another long bubble, and the pup leaped into the center of it again.

  “Cool! I know! I know!” Hailey’s joy filled the air like heaven’s touch. “I’m gonna name her Angel.”

  “Perfect,” Alexandra praised. “A girl can never have too many guardian angels.”

  “That’s right,” Bev agreed.

  John had never felt so bleak, so disconnected from life, even though he forced his feet forward, pretending nothing was wrong. Pretending he didn’t want to draw Alexandra into his arms, hold her against his chest and never let go.

  Chapter Ten

  With the warmth of the evening still lifting her spirits and the temperate breeze whipping through the open windows of her Bug, Alexandra struggled not to think of John.

  Impossible.

  They had a connection. She felt it when they touched. When they talked. When he made her laugh. No man had ever made her feel this way. She was afraid no man ever would.

  John wasn’t going to marry again. He wasn’t going to fall in love with her. She knew that. Was she even ready to love someone new, after Patrick? How did she stop her feelings?

  John probably had no clue she felt this way about him. He was simply a kind man and a Good Samaritan. It wasn’t as if she could ever let him know how she felt. Right?

  She rounded the last bumping corner of the gravel driveway and saw the strange car parked in front of the little yellow cottage tucked in a stand of cottonwoods. With the thick evening shadows, she couldn’t see what kind of car it was. Except that she didn’t recognize it as belonging to any of the Coreys.

  Patrick. She stomped on the brakes, the wheels locked up and the tires skidded in the gravel. Dust flew around her as she sat with her fingers gripping the steering wheel so tight, they ached. Her pulse thudded in her throat as she sat stock-still in the road, in plain sight of the house. It was too late to turn around. He would already have seen her.

  What do I do, Lord? She took a deep breath, ready to shift into reverse. Wait. Those were Montana plates. A woman stepped out of the shadows, someone about her age, wearing a pair of jeans and a grass-green sweater with a big fish on it. Her smile was friendly and she looked familiar. Oh, Alexandra had seen her in church. She’d been sitting on the pew in front of them.

  She looked nice, too, like she’d be a good friend. Hopeful, Alexandra climbed out of her car. “Hi.”

  “Hi, I’m Kirby McKaslin.” She pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, as if she were a little nervous. “I didn’t know if you’d be interested, but a bunch of us meet for Bible Study every Tuesday night at the town coffee shop. Would you like to join us?”

  “Yes.” An evening of fellowship was something she’d needed desperately. “The coffee shop in town? The on
e on the corner?”

  “That’s the one. If you want, you can ride with me. We can go together.”

  “Great. Let me get my Bible.” Heaven was smiling on her today, Alexandra thought, as she raced inside. She felt like she used to, before Patrick, when she was free to do anything she wanted without worrying how he would react. What he would think.

  She didn’t have to look over her shoulder as she locked the house up tight and followed Kirby to her car.

  Later that night, as she finished her prayers and crawled beneath the quilt Bev had dug out of her hall linen closet, and between the softest sheets she’d ever known, Alexandra gave thanks for the best day she’d had in years.

  When she woke up with the first rays of the sun smiling through the crack in the curtains, she remembered the verse from Jeremiah. Good things were happening to her. Hope began seeping into her heart again, warm and substantial.

  She had to deal with this thing she felt for John. This infatuation, for the lack of a better word. A crush. She had to recognize it for what it was. It was all one-sided. Anything coming of it was impossible. She needed to concentrate on the problems she already had. She didn’t need to go searching for more problems by mistaking kindness for romance—besides, John wasn’t interested in marrying a second time.

  After she’d showered and dressed for the day, Alexandra grabbed her devotional and her Bible from the nightstand. The kitchen was dim, and she pulled the curtains open. What a view.

  She’d been here long enough, quietly in one place. If Patrick were following her, he’d have caught up with her by now. The tension coiled inside her began to unwind as she sipped her cup of coffee and gazed out the small window at such a great, beautiful world.

  When she opened her devotional to the marked page, she had to marvel at how many times she found the passage she most needed to see—when she needed to see it. I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn’t like the peace the world gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.