Break a Leg, Darlings

by Marian Babson

  'More probably coming home for the night, in this area.' She watched it keenly, prepared to give no quarter. 'Get the door open and get inside before we tell him where we want to go. He has to take us, once we're inside.'

  'I know.' I sighed faintly. If only we still lived within a decent distance of the West End, we wouldn't need to resort to these subterfuges. 'He's going to be furious.'

  'Would you rather stand here all night?'

  I sighed again and braced myself. She was right. Better to face the wrath of a taxi driver than to wander around here for hours. And we did tip well.

  Amazingly, the taxi slowed and veered towards us, giving every indication that it was going to stop in response to our frantic waving.

  'Maybe our luck has changed,' I said optimistically. 'It's not such a bad night, after all.'

  'Get inside first,' Evangeline said grimly. 'Before he can change his mind.' She seemed to be breathing heavily, almost panting, as we waited for the taxi to draw up in front of us.

  'Relax,' I said. 'He's going to stop. See?'

  True to my words, the taxi slid up alongside the kerb and came to a halt.

  'Quick!' Evangeline commanded.

  I wrenched the door open and we tumbled inside.

  'You needn't push!' Evangeline snapped.

  'You pushed me.' But my rejoinder was abstracted. There had been something about the taxi door, something I had half glimpsed in my anxiety to open it and get inside ... I looked at the driver, but a reversed baseball cap turned head and neck into a distorted amorphous blur ...

  'EEEEEK!' Evangeline shrieked as a large hairy body hurtled into the taxi before I could close the door behind us. 'Help! Muggers!'

  She began striking out at the hulking figure looming over us. 'Get out! Get out of here!'

  'Beat it!' I slammed at it with my handbag, but it stood firm.

  'You ladies need help?' the driver asked.

  'Drive straight to the police station,' Evangeline instructed. 'We'll see about this!'

  I pushed at the dark hairy form again, but couldn't budge it. The door slammed shut as the driver took off at high speed. The figure lurched against me. There seemed to be an awful lot of hair. Evangeline was panting heavily again. Or was she?

  'Ye gods!' Realization suddenly came to me. 'It's The Semtex!'

  'What?' the driver squawked. The taxi swerved wildly.

  'Not that kind,' I said. 'It's a dog.'

  'Stop right now!' Evangeline ordered. 'Throw that thing out of here!'

  'He must have followed us out of the pub.' I felt some sympathy for him. 'That poetry was too much for him, too.'

  'What's going on back there?' the driver demanded. There was something oddly familiar about that voice. 'I thought I could trust you two not to be any trouble.'

  'We'll be all right as soon as we get rid of this monster,' Evangeline said.

  'Poor thing.' I gave him a tentative pat. 'Imagine having to listen to that stuff all night every night.'

  'You can't keep him, Trixie. Take him back immediately.'

  'Me? I'm not going back into that joint again. Suppose you take him back.'

  The taxi had pulled up under a streetlamp at the kerb on the opposite side of the road now and the driver twisted around to peer into the back seat. 'What's going on back there?'

  'Nothing.' Evangeline took advantage of the stop to open the door. 'You've got an extra passenger, that's all. We're getting rid of him now.' She pushed at The Semtex, who promptly sat down in front of her.

  'Help me push him out, Trixie. Both together now. One ... two ... three!'

  We heaved at him. We might as well have tried to topple the Rock of Gibraltar.

  'Put your back into it, Trixie!' Naturally, it was my fault. 'Again: one ... two ... three!

  The Semtex wuffled happily at this new game and slumped forward to lie full length on the floor, his tail sweeping it enthusiastically.

  'It's no use,' I said. 'He's bigger than both of us.'

  'Out, sir! Out, I say!' Evangeline used the voice that had turned countless villains into cringing wrecks before the stern wrath of her outraged purity. 'Out! Out! Out!'

  The Semtex licked her ankles, which was more than any of the villains had done. On screen, at least.

  'Can I help?' The driver had left his post and come round to the open door. In the light from the streetlamp, I got my first good look at him ... her. The situation had lacked only this.

  'Evangeline!' My voice was a strangled croak. 'Look! It's Nova!'

  'Nova!' Evangeline actually sounded pleased. 'What are you doing here?'

  'Driving through. We live just beyond here. Wasn't that lucky? Great to see you two again. We've gone past the house a few times, but there's never been any sign of you. We thought we'd lost you.'

  'We've been filming in Whitby,' I said quickly.

  'And now we're back and looking for a new play to star in.' Evangeline let it all hang out. For a moment, I wished The Semtex would bite her. 'How is dear Lucy – and what is she working on these days?'

  'Wait till you hear – you'll love it! But I won't spoil her surprise by telling you about it. Right now, she's got a job. She's working as assistant stage manager at the Emperor Uncloth'd. Of course, she's really doing all the work. The director is supposed to be stage manager, too, but he isn't pulling his weight at all. Lucy is lumbered with everything.'

  'Poor dear,' Evangeline cooed. 'But I'm sure she's coping admirably. And she's keeping up with her own work, too. I can't wait to hear all about it.'

  'Meanwhile,' I tried to interject a note of reality, 'do you think you can help us get this ... this creature ... out of the cab? He belongs back there at the Green Colleen. He followed us. We didn't encourage him. We didn't even know he was there.'

  'Sure.' Nova hooked her hand into the beast's collar and tugged. He lowered his head and the collar slipped over it. Nova staggered back and only just kept her balance.

  'That didn't work,' Evangeline noted unnecessarily. 'Perhaps if we put the collar back on. Tighter. And tried again.'

  'Not too tight,' I protested. 'We don't want to throttle him.'

  'Why not?' Evangeline's voice was cold. 'We want to get this nuisance out of here and go home.'

  The nuisance slobbered over her ankles again. She winced fastidiously and moved them away.

  'All right.' It had become a duel of wills between the two of them. Evangeline braced herself against the back of the seat and planted both feet on the animal's rump. 'Come on, Trixie – push! Nova – pull! One ... two ... three!'

  Our concerted efforts failed to budge him. In fact, they seemed to be doing him a world of good. He had lost his world-weary air and was almost puppylike. He whinnied happily, delighted at being the centre of so much attention.

  'It's no good,' I said. 'One of us will have to go back to the pub and get somebody to come and fetch him.' I knew there was no use looking at Evangeline, so I looked hopefully at Nova. So did Evangeline.

  'That pub's got an odd reputation.' Nova was unexpectedly as skittish as one of those newly escaped convent school girls Brendan had been telling us about. 'Let's keep trying. Once we get him out of the cab, he'll find his own way home. He has nowhere else to go.'

  Oh, hadn't he? The Semtex seemed to have formed his own opinion about that. He dropped his enormous head between his forepaws and went to sleep.

  'We can't stay here all night,' Evangeline said fretfully.

  I silently agreed. Sitting in the taxi was marginally better than standing on a street corner, but I was increasingly anxious to get back to the comfort of what passed for home these days. Never mind the location, the call of a well-stocked fridge and bar, central heating, a hot bath and a soft bed was irresistible.

  'Never mind the dog.' I just managed to keep the whine out of my voice. 'I want to go home.'

  'We both do.' Losing patience, Evangeline kicked at The Semtex. He twitched, but remained otherwise unmoved.

  'Look –' Nova slam
med the door on us and went back to her perch. 'Leave it to me. I'll drive you two to St John's Wood — it isn't far from here. Then I'll bring the dog back and get one of the blokes from the pub to see to him.'

  'Ummm ...' That opened a different can of beans. Evangeline and I crossed glances briefly. She averted her gaze and kicked pettishly at The Semtex again. It was up to me.

  'The thing is,' I said, 'we don't live in St John's Wood any more. We've, um, moved farther out.'

  'How far?' Nova was instantly – and justifiably – suspicious.

  'Well, um, we're in Docklands now.'

  'Docklands!' The motor roared and died. 'What are you doing there?'

  'It's a long story,' I said, 'but we didn't have any choice in the matter. Believe me, we're longing to get back to civilization.'

  'I should think so.' Still the motor stayed silent. 'Look, I'm sorry, but I don't think I can take you there.'

  'You've got to!' Desperation made Evangeline savage. 'We're in your taxi.'

  'It's not a real taxi,' I reminded her. Too late, I remembered that it was the 'Widows' Might' logo I had partially noted on the cab door as I had opened it. 'This is a private vehicle.'

  'It's not that,' Nova said earnestly. 'I'd take you, if I could. The thing is' – she hung her head – 'I'm afraid I haven't got enough petrol to go that far.'

  'Is that the only problem?' Evangeline relaxed. 'Don't worry about that. We'll pay for the petrol.'

  'We'll fill the tank.' I glared at Evangeline, challenging her to deny it.

  'Oh, you don't have to do that.' Nova sounded a lot more cheerful. 'Although, of course, I will have to come all the way back here with the dog

  'We insist,' I said firmly. 'It's the least we can do.'

  6

  Back at the block of flats, it appeared that The Semtex still had ideas of his own. He was the first one out of the taxi as the door opened. He loped over to the lamp post across the road and relieved himself mightily, then he bounded up the steps and stood waiting for us, his tail wagging madly.

  'This isn't going to be as easy as it sounded back in Kilburn,' I muttered.

  'Damn!' Evangeline glared at The Semtex and drew herself up to her full height, gesturing imperiously towards the still-open cab door.

  'Get in, sir!' she commanded. 'In, I say! Get in!'

  The Semtex cocked his head, looking puzzled.

  'You're confusing him,' I said. 'First, he was in the cab and you kept telling him to get out. Now he's out and you're telling him to get in.'

  'Here, boy!' Nova got out and came round to stand beside us. 'Here! Come on!' she whistled hopefully.

  The Semtex wagged his tail and looked up at the door behind him. He was willing to go in, but into the building, not the taxi.

  'Here!' Evangeline trumpeted. 'Come here, sir!'

  The Semtex turned his back on us, his attention obviously caught by something going on in the entrance hall.

  'Someone's coming.' Evangeline started forward, divining the situation instantly. 'Don't let him in!' she called.

  Too late. Nigel opened the front door and was nearly knocked off his feet as The Semtex charged past him.

  'Now you've done it!' Evangeline flung at him accusingly, as we all rushed in.

  'What was that?' Nigel stood there bemused, staring at The Semtex as it did a brief canter around the front hall, then headed for the staircase.

  'An Irish wolfhound.' I paused to answer while Evangeline and Nova continued in pursuit.

  'You're sure it wasn't the Hound of the Baskervilles?' Nigel gazed at the now deserted staircase as though unwilling to believe his eyes.

  'Are you all right?'

  'I think I have a couple of broken toes.' Nigel looked down at his feet gloomily. 'That – thing – not only stepped on them, he ground down on them to get purchase for his leap across the hall. Didn't Jasper tell you pets aren't allowed? It's in the lease.'

  'We don't have a lease' I reminded him. 'And it's not a pet – at least, not our pet. It just followed us –'

  'Stop!' ... 'Grab him!' ...

  There was a hullaballoo above us, shrieks and cries intermingled with excited yelps. The Semtex appeared at the top of the stairs, then skittered down them with joyful yaps. He was having a wonderful time with his new playmates. This was a lot more fun than lying around a smoky pub listening to dreary poetry.

  'Watch out!' Nigel pulled me back against the wall. 'He's coming this way.'

  The Semtex bounded up to us and stood there, panting happily.

  'Go away!' Nigel whined. 'Get lost! Shoo!'

  The Semtex gave a pleased yelp. Another new pal. He reared up on his hind legs and put his forepaws on Nigel's shoulders.

  'Get away!' Nigel buckled at the knees. 'You weigh a ton!' He tried to avoid the affectionate tongue aimed at his face.

  'Hold on to him!' Evangeline bellowed from the top of the stairs; she began descending at a much slower pace than The Semtex. 'Don't let him get away again.'

  'Open the door, Trixie,' Nova directed, overtaking Evangeline and passing her. 'Then nip ahead and open the cab door for us.

  'You —' She indicated Nigel. 'Pick him up and carry him out to the car.'

  'Pick him up?' Nigel echoed weakly. He was slowly sinking to the floor under the weight of The Semtex. 'Carry him? Are you mad?'

  Just to show willing, I opened the door.

  'I'll help you.' Nova advanced on them. 'You take his head and front legs, I'll take the hind legs.' She heaved at the dog's hindquarters, his claws scrabbled frantically against the polished marble floor as she tugged, then he tilted forward, hind legs off the floor, his full weight on Nigel.

  They all teetered perilously for a moment, then abruptly collapsed in a heap.

  'I don't think this is going to work,' Evangeline announced. She had reached the bottom of the staircase now and was standing there regarding them judiciously.

  The Semtex struggled to the top of the heap and sprawled across Nigel and Nova, watching Evangeline happily. He obviously considered her Mistress of the Revels and he thoroughly approved. This was a lot better than a bar-room brawl and not nearly so dangerous.

  'Maybe you'd like to suggest something better.' Nova sounded perilously close to mutiny.

  'Trixie, go upstairs and get a piece of steak from the fridge. We can lure him into the taxi with it.'

  'I suppose it's worth a try.' I crossed to the express lift and pressed the call button. The lift was there and waiting; the doors opened smoothly. I stepped inside and pressed the button for the penthouse. The doors began to close again.

  There was a frantic yowl, a wild skitter of claws across marble and The Semtex hurled himself through the closing doors and skidded to a stop just short of colliding with the opposite side of the lift. He sat down, his tail thumping heavily against the floor, shaking the lift as we ascended.

  'Oh, no!' I wailed. 'No!' There wasn't a thing I could do about it. The doors were closed and we were gliding relentlessly upwards.

  Thump-thump-thump. The lift cage shook.

  'Don't do that!' This lift was temperamental enough at the best of times. It wouldn't take much to throw it into one of its fits of noncooperation. I didn't want to be stuck in the lift shaft with The Semtex all night.

  'Sit,' I pleaded. 'Just sit quietly. We'll be there in a minute and then –' And then what?

  Thump-thump-thump. The Semtex watched me expectantly. Even sitting down, he was nearly as tall as I was. Thump-thump-thump.

  'Stay!' The lift was slowing to a halt. 'No! Sit! Stay! Please, stay! Just wait here and I'll go and get the steak.'

  The lift doors slid open and The Semtex rushed past me into the little foyer we shared with the other penthouse apartments. With him in it, it seemed to shrink to doll-house proportions.

  He raised his nose and sniffed the air, then went unerringly to our door and down in front of it, waiting for me to open it. I heard the hum of the other lift approaching. Reinforcements, I hoped.


  'There!' Evangeline came out fighting. 'I knew it! Why did you let him into the lift with you? And, if you had to, why didn't you keep him in there?'

  'If you think it's so easy ...' I smiled sweetly at her. 'You try it!'

  'Have you tried luring him with the steak?' Nigel was right behind her with his helpful suggestion.

  'I haven't had time. We just got here. And what are you doing here? I thought you were on your way out. That's how he got inside in the first place.'

  'I'm only trying to help.' Nigel gave me an injured look. 'I was only going out for a bit of exercise. A short walk and perhaps a quick one at the pub. Changing plans won't exactly ruin my evening.'

  In fact, this might make his evening. There was a gleam of anticipation in his eyes. It would not only make a great anecdote to impress future clients with, but he might even get a free drink or two out of it.

  'You'll get exercise all right if you're going to tangle with that mutt,' Nova grumbled, 'but can we hurry it up? I'm sorry, but I can't hang around here all night. I have to pick Lucy up at the pub after the show.'

  'Go get the steak, Trixie.' Evangeline twined her fingers lightly into the dog's collar. 'We'll keep him here.'

  'Sure.' This I had to see.

  I turned the key in the lock and The Semtex surged to his feet.

  'Quickly, Trixie.' Evangeline tightened her grip. 'Just open the door enough to slide throu—'

  The door flew out of my hands, the hairy body hurtled past me. Evangeline lost her grip and lay sprawled across the threshold.

  'Why didn't you stop him?' she demanded.

  'Why didn't you?'

  The Semtex skidded to a stop in the middle of the living room and whirled to face us with a yelp of triumph.

  'Here.' Nigel gave Evangeline his hand and hoisted her to her feet while I started for the kitchen. I was aware of loud thumping footsteps behind me. Pawsteps? Pawfalls? Whatever, I was being followed by The Semtex.

  'We might as well have a drink.' Evangeline and the others were also right behind me. 'We've earned it.'

  'What a good idea,' Nigel approved.

  'Not for me, thanks,' Nova said quickly. 'I'm driving. And I ought to be on my way. If we can't get that beast downstairs and into my cab, I'm going to have to leave him here.'