Break a Leg, Darlings

by Marian Babson

  We all turned and looked at The Semtex. He had slumped down in front of the fridge and stretched out to his full length. He looked back at us and yawned, then let his head drop on to his forepaws and closed his eyes.

  'It looks like he's settled for the night.' I stated the obvious.

  'Big, isn't he?' Nigel eyed him thoughtfully. 'Heavy, too,' he remembered. 'I don't think he's going to move again until he wants to move.'

  'No, you're not going to shift him again tonight.' Nova glanced at her watch. 'I'd better get going.'

  'Maybe we can telephone the Green Colleen and get somebody there to come and collect him.' As soon as I said it, I began having second thoughts.

  'I think not.' Evangeline raised an eyebrow at me and I knew what she was thinking.

  'You can't do that.' Even Nova could see the drawbacks in the idea. 'You don't want all those weirdos to know where you live.'

  'No, no, we don't want that.' Nigel glanced over his shoulder nervously, as though the shadow of the bailiffs flickered amidst the other shadows in the corners of the room. 'We have enough weird characters around here now.'

  I nodded agreement, trying to avoid a pointed look at Nova. It was probably too much to hope that she would go away quietly and forget where we were living these days.

  'Look,' Nova said. 'I hate to leave you in the lurch like this, but I've got to pick up Lucy. Why don't we both come over tomorrow morning and ferry the hound back to Kilburn for you?'

  'That sounds like a good idea,' Evangeline said. 'If you think we'll be any more successful at moving him then.'

  'Don't worry,' Nova said. 'By morning, he'll be wanting to see that lamp post again. When you get him outside, just don't let him back into the building. Then, when you get into the taxi, he'll follow you again, the way he did tonight.'

  We all looked thoughtfully at The Semtex, who appeared to be out for the count. There was no way we were going to budge him again tonight.

  'That's settled, then.' Nova started for the door. 'We'll see you in the morning.'

  'Not too early,' I put in hastily.

  'No, no. Around eleven. And then –' She looked at Evangeline the way The Semtex might look at a nice juicy T-bone steak. 'Then Lucy can tell you all about the new play she's writing.'

  'Quick, Nigel!' I sank wearily into a chair as the door closed behind Nova. 'Start pouring the drinks.'

  Evangeline's scream woke me in the morning. I rushed out into the kitchen to find her face down on the floor in front of the fridge. The fridge door was open and The Semtex had his hind legs planted firmly in the small of her back while he burrowed into the depths of the fridge, helping himself to breakfast.

  'Get him off me!' Evangeline squirmed convulsively, trying to slither out from under the massive paws. 'Kick him! Slam the door on his head!'

  'Uh-huh.' I advanced cautiously, ignoring her suicidal commands. I didn't think it would be a good idea to get between The Semtex and his food. Technically, of course, it was our food – but I wasn't prepared to argue the point with him.

  'Don't just stand there!' Evangeline snapped. 'Help me!'

  'OK, OK, I'm trying.' I watched The Semtex, gauging my moment. He was unaware of anything except the food. Something slid and crashed in the fridge. The Semtex lunged forward after it, raising one hind paw to scrabble against the bottom shelf.

  'Quick!' I gave Evangeline my hand and pulled. 'Roll out from under.' Cursing, she did so.

  'There.' I got her to her feet. 'All right now?'

  'No thanks to you!' She glared at me. 'What took you so long? I'll be bruised for weeks from those paws.'

  'I suppose you opened the fridge door for him.' A counterattack was the only way to deal with Evangeline when she was in this mood.

  'I did not open the door for him. I opened it for myself. I was planning to get some breakfast.'

  'So was I, but we can forget about that idea.' We watched gloomily as The Semtex withdrew from the fridge, licking his chops. The inside looked like a war-devastated area. Only a lone container of crème fraîche was relatively intact.

  The Semtex turned to follow our gaze, noticed the container, pawed it out on to the floor, knocked the lid off and slurped up the crème fraîche.

  'Well,' I said, 'at least we don't have to worry about what to feed him. Thank goodness you didn't open the freezer.'

  'Too bad I didn't,' Evangeline said. 'A couple of broken teeth might have taught him a lesson.'

  'Rrrrufff!' The Semtex shook himself and looked at us expectantly. When we didn't respond, he cocked his head, then loped around the kitchen sniffing at the legs of the tables and chairs. I got the nervous feeling that his head wasn't the only thing he was going to cock in another minute.

  'Evangeline,' I said. 'I think he's looking for that lamp post.'

  'That wouldn't surprise me. You'd better get dressed and take him downstairs.'

  'Me? Why don't you do it?' I didn't really expect an answer and I didn't get one. 'Anyway,' I continued, 'I can't take him down. We haven't got a leash for him. Suppose he runs away?'

  'In that case, I should say we were ahead of the game.' Evangeline looked at the dog coldly. He had been negotiating an approach to the table leg, but he caught her look and backed away uneasily. 'You'd better hurry,' she added, 'or you'll have an awful mess to clean up.'

  'Well, come down with me,' I bargained. 'It must be nearly time for Nova and Lucy to arrive. The four of us ought to be able to herd him into the taxi. And then maybe we can go somewhere for breakfast; there's nothing left for us here.'

  'Oh, all right.' As she passed the fridge, Evangeline vented her feelings by slamming the door on the denuded shelves. As an afterthought, she turned back to the dog.

  'SIT!' she thundered.

  The surprised animal collapsed as though his legs had turned to jelly. I had seen her have the same effect on some of the toughest directors and actors of our time.

  'We'll be right back,' I said. 'Just stay there.'

  The beast whined piteously, thankful for a moderately kind word. His gaze followed Evangeline as she left the room. I didn't worry him quite so much.

  In my bedroom, I had an idea and rummaged in the wastebasket for the ruined tights I had discarded the night before. They would have to double as a leash while we took the dog back to his owner. They might be unsightly, but they would be effective.

  7

  We were waiting for the lift when the door to an opposite penthouse opened and Jasper and Mariah came into the foyer.

  'Oh, good. I'm glad I've caught you.' But Jasper did not look pleased to see us. Nervously, I moved in front of The Semtex, although hiding him was about as likely as Jimmy Durante trying to hide his following elephant in Jumbo. Nor did I think the famous riposte, 'What elephant?' would cut much ice with Jasper. As Nigel had informed us, pets were banned from the premises.

  'We were just coming to call on you,' Mariah said. 'Another minute and we would have missed you.' She sounded as though she regretted not having lingered for another cup of coffee.

  'Oh, really?' Evangeline had caught the intonation, too. She eyed the pair dismissively. 'We're in a hurry, I'm afraid.'

  'Oh, quite. Quite,' Jasper said apologetically. 'This will only take a minute ... a minute ...' He trailed off, obviously unable to bring himself to the point. This was going to take a lot longer than a minute – and The Semtex was already starting to sniff at the legs of the foyer table.

  The hum of the approaching lift grew louder and we both edged closer to the doors. We were in no mood for any more of Jasper's angst. Mariah was helping him with his problems she should be enough.

  'No, wait. Please.' He stepped in front of us as the lift doors slid open. 'I've got to talk to you. It's impor—' He broke off as The Semtex lunged for the opening, nearly knocking him over.

  'Good God! What's that?' He stared incredulously at the dog.

  'Haven't you ever seen an Irish wolfhound before?' Evangeline asked crossly, trying to sidestep him an
d get into the lift.

  'You're sure it's not the Hound of the Baskervilles?'

  'We laughed the first time at that one,' I said. 'But not very much.' The lift doors jittered indecisively, then began sliding shut again. The Semtex gave another piteous whine.

  'He's very big,' Mariah said in a small voice. It struck me that she was afraid of dogs, but making a brave effort. 'What's his name?'

  'The – uh –' I stopped and crossed glances with Evangeline. The poor mutt had enough strikes against him without continuing to be saddled with that ridiculous name.

  'Tex,' I said firmly. 'His name is Tex. Isn't it, Tex?'

  The wolfhound, recognizing at least the last syllable of a familiar sound, wagged his tail and wuffled a friendly agreement.

  'Tex. Hello, Tex.' Mariah drew a deep breath and held out her hand. The newly christened Tex sniffed at it and wagged his tail again. He turned his head to me approvingly, obviously feeling that he was meeting a better class of people these days.

  'Tex ...' Jasper frowned unhappily, the name seemed to remind him of something, perhaps several of his grandfather's famous roles.

  'He's not ours,' I said quickly, before Jasper could get the wrong idea. 'We were just, uh, keeping him for a friend last night. He's going back to his owner now.'

  'Never mind that.' Jasper waved a hand, dismissing all lesser problems. 'I must talk to you. I ... I need your help. Please.'

  'What's wrong?' Evangeline asked sharply.

  'They're coming back. Early! They're almost here. They rang from Paris last night. They want me to meet them at Heathrow. What am I going to do?'

  'Meet them, of course.' Mariah patted his arm consolingly. 'Don't worry. It will be all right.'

  'You don't know them.' Jasper would not be comforted. 'And they don't know. They're expecting to be taken to St John's Wood for a few days before they go home. How can I tell them?'

  'How about the same way you told us?' Evangeline was not prepared to be gracious about it. 'Cold turkey. The shock will do them good. Get the old adrenaline flowing.' She reached out to push the lift button and reopen the doors.

  'No, please.' He caught her hand.

  'You mean Beau and Juanita have come back?' Light was beginning to dawn. Nothing less would upset Jasper so much. Or terrify him so much. 'Their cruise is over already?'

  'They've cut it short, for some reason.' He was ashen-faced. 'You don't suppose they've heard anything?' He shook his head dazedly. 'Please, you've got to help me.'

  'What did you have in mind?' Evangeline asked warily.

  'I –' He brightened. 'I suppose you wouldn't be willing to meet them at the airport?'

  'You're right,' Evangeline dashed his hopes. 'We wouldn't.'

  'Oh, please. You know them, you can talk to them, make them understand.' His voice broke, his chin quivered.

  Evangeline turned away impatiently. She hates to see a grown man cry – unless she's the cause of it.

  'It will be all right,' Mariah assured him. 'I'm going with you. We'll drive them to a nice pub in the country for lunch and explain everything.'

  'You've never met them,' he said brokenly. 'My grandfather –' He could not continue.

  'His grandfather still has the first dollar he ever earned,' Evangeline informed her crisply. 'He gave new meaning to the word "tight". There were rumours that Jack Benny's scriptwriters used Beau for a model. He hates to spend money and could never understand people who wasted it. He disapproves of speculations; all of his investments are gilt-edged.'

  Jasper let out a low moan. Mariah looked shaken.

  'I don't blame you for being afraid to face him. You won't have an easy time of it.' The thought appeared to cheer Evangeline. 'People have been disinherited for less.'

  Jasper moaned again.

  'Jasper wasn't irresponsible,' Mariah defended quickly. 'The project should have been successful. No one could have foreseen the way the economy was going to crash.'

  'No one who hadn't lived through 1929,' Evangeline said. 'Unfortunately for Jasper, Beau still has nightmares about that. It was the closest escape of his life. He was a teenage success on Broadway and had actually been considering buying some stock at that time. Happily, it took so long to bring himself to part with the money that the crash came first.'

  Jasper began to shake. If Evangeline didn't stop, she was going to give him a nervous breakdown before Beau had a chance to take a crack at him.

  'Easy, Jasper, easy,' Mariah soothed. 'He can't be that bad. Between us, we should be able to make him see reason.'

  'My grandfather? Reason?' Jasper gave a bleak hollow laugh.

  'He has a point,' Evangeline said. 'The best advice I can give you is to concentrate on Juanita, then let her work on Beau. If anyone can bring him round, she can. And Jasper is her favourite grandchild.'

  'I'm her only grandchild,' Jasper moaned. 'And I've let them both down.'

  'Only in the short term,' Mariah said. 'Once we get this place finished and the rest of the flats built and sold, long term it will show a profit.'

  In about a hundred years, maybe. I wondered what Beau's opinion would be of that. However, I had no doubt about one of his opinions.

  'Beau will approve of you,' I told Mariah. 'He's crazy about people who know how to make numbers work. In fact, they're about the only people he respects. And you've been doing a great job here.'

  Single-handedly, Mariah had been snatching our leftover Yuppies from the jaws of the Bankruptcy Courts. Much of what she had done was as mysterious to me as it was to them, but I was vaguely aware of meetings with banks and sundry creditors and rescheduling of debt payments and curtailments of credit cards. Mainly, I was aware of a growing lightness of spirit in the inhabitants of our building and a growing hope in their eyes. They weren't out of the woods yet – but they were on their way. And it was all thanks to Mariah.

  The burgeoning romance had added an extra glow to Jasper's eyes. Until now.

  My thoughts were distracted by an urgent tug on the wrist to which I had tied one end of the improvised leash. I looked down into a pair of eyes even more anguished than Jasper's. A pleading whimper reinforced the urgency.

  'We have to get Tex downstairs,' I said, 'or we won't be responsible for what happens next.'

  Another whimper, bordering on a howl, from Tex added weight to my statement. This time Evangeline was allowed to push the lift button without hindrance.

  Tex dived into the lift as soon as the doors opened, dragging me with him. Evangeline was able to advance at a more sedate pace. Jasper and Mariah hung back.

  'You go ahead,' Jasper said. 'We're in no hurry.'

  'You should be.' Mariah tried to push him in. 'That flight is landing in an hour and a half. You don't want to be late.'

  Late? Jasper wanted to be missing. It was just as well that Mariah had him in hand; she'd see to it that he met that flight whether he wanted to or not.

  'Steady, Tex.' The dog tensed and quivered as the lift doors opened at ground level. I gave my end of the tights another hitch around my wrist and clung on for dear life as he dived for the opening, dragging me across the slippery marble floor.

  Behind us, I heard a telephone begin to ring and glanced over my shoulder to see Evangeline burrow into her handbag and retrieve her cellphone. Speaking into it, she followed us at a more leisurely pace, stopping at the top of the long shallow steps to continue her conversation. She did not appear to be enjoying it.

  For that matter, I wasn't having such a great time myself. Of all the embarrassing and demeaning human occupations, attending – literally – to a dog's toilet has always ranked high in my perceptions. Now, tethered to a monster hound doing his best to raise the level of the Thames, I was sure of it. He finally finished and looked up at me, wagging his tail expectantly. I realized with horror that he wanted to be taken for a walk to complete the rest of his business.

  Where were Lucy and Nova? They were supposed to be here by now to take this beast off our hands. What was ke
eping them? I looked around frantically.

  I saw only Evangeline, descending the steps in a majestic fury, outrage quivering in every fibre of her being. I braced myself.

  'What now?' I asked.

  'They can't make it.' She glared at Tex as though it was his fault. Perhaps it was. 'And do you know why?'

  'How could I? You took the call.' Now that Evangeline was no longer blocking the doorway, there was a flurry of activity up there. Mariah and Jasper emerged cautiously, making sure that Evangeline's attention was distracted and – even better – her back was turned to them. They gave a quick wave and hurried across the pavement and into Mariah's car.

  More cautiously still, Nigel moved into the open, hesitating at the top of the steps and looking around carefully. The shadow of the bailiff still hung over him, despite Mariah's best endeavours. It was going to take a lot more time and effort to extricate Nigel from the financial pit he had dug for himself.

  He saw us and his face brightened, he came down the steps and headed straight for us. Tex greeted him as an old friend, rearing up to plant his forepaws on Nigel's shoulders and trying to lick his face, uttering ecstatic little yelps.

  'Down, Tex!' I tugged at my end of the leash. 'Down!'

  'No, no, quite all right.' Nigel stepped back smartly and Tex plopped back to earth. Nigel patted his head. 'Splendid chap, splendid. You must be getting quite attached to him.'

  'Only by a length of nylon,' Evangeline said coldly. 'Would you believe it? We've been let down. Nova can't come and take him off our hands as she faithfully promised. Not until tonight. We're stuck with him for the day.'

  'Ah!' Nigel brightened still more. I got the feeling that we were playing right into his hands. 'Perhaps I could help. I'd be glad to take him walkies. If you don't mind.'

  'Mind!' Tex lurched forward, identifying the magic word 'walkies', nearly throwing me into Nigel's arms. 'We'd be delighted.'

  'Ah! Good! So would I.' Nigel exuded satisfaction. 'I have a couple of business meetings. I could bring him along, give him a good outing. If you don't mind my keeping him so long, that is. All afternoon, I'm afraid.'