Break a Leg, Darlings

by Marian Babson

  'Great!' I tried to unwind my end of the tights.

  'You can keep him, for all I care,' Evangeline agreed.

  'If he were ours to give,' I reminded her.

  'Ah! Just as well, perhaps. No pets allowed, you know.' Nigel eyed my efforts dubiously. He followed the length of nylon leg to the panty bit swaying between Tex and me and looked even more dubious. 'I just want to borrow him for the afternoon. I mean, take him walkies,' he amended hastily.

  So that was it. Nigel didn't really care whether poor Tex ever went walkies or not; he had his own agenda. No bailiff or process server was going to come within lunging distance of an enormous dog of unknown disposition. Why should they? They were not paid enough to lay their lives on the line to carry out their lawful pursuits. Nigel would acquire the perfect bodyguard for the price of a brisk walk and perhaps a little embarrassment.

  'Er, thank you.' He accepted the foot of my half of the tights, the other foot was firmly tied to Tex's collar. The panty part waved like a flag in the breeze. He winced as he looked at it.

  'Well, I'm sorry, but it was all I had,' I explained. Evangeline snorted.

  'Oh, quite. Quite. Quite all right.' He winced again. 'Perhaps we might find something more suitable along the way.'

  'Let me contribute to the cost.' I knew Nigel had very little money; I tried not to think how little. Evangeline snorted again as I took a twenty-pound note from my bag and gave it to Nigel; he could buy a leash and have enough left over for a good meal at least.

  'Ah! Well! If you insist —'

  'I do,' I said firmly.

  'Ah! I'm sure we can find something for that. Perhaps even some change –'

  'Never mind that,' I said, even more firmly. 'Just take Tex away and give him a good run –'

  'For the money,' Evangeline finished. 'And you needn't bother to bring him back.'

  'You'd better,' I said. 'We've got to return him to his owner.'

  'Why?' Evangeline asked.

  'Ah! Quite! Quite!' Nigel began backing away. He wasn't going to get involved in any arguments.

  Tex suddenly realized that events were moving onwards and the promised walkies was going to happen. He gathered himself and sprinted forward, dragging Nigel in his wake. Sooner him than me. I hoped the tights held together long enough for Nigel to reach a pet store. It was cheap at the price.

  'There,' Evangeline said with satisfaction as they receded into the distance. 'That's one problem disposed of.' Ominously, she added, 'We'll deal with the other this evening.'

  'What other?' I didn't really want to know, but it had to be asked.

  'Nova and Lucy.' She flared her nostrils dramatically. 'And their treachery.'

  'Treachery?' I echoed weakly.

  'Treachery!' she snarled. 'Do you know why they aren't here this morning?' Fortunately, she didn't wait for an answer. 'Because they're having lunch with Sweetums Carew! Sweetums went to the show Lucy is assistant stage-managing at the Emperor Uncloth'd. She talked to Lucy about the script Lucy is working on now.'

  'Uh-oh!'

  'Uh-oh, indeed! They are going to discuss it further over lunch.' Evangeline narrowed her eyes. 'I will not have another script stolen out from under me!'

  'The script might not be any good,' I suggested tentatively, remembering her narrow escape with the abysmal Queen Leah.

  'Nonsense!' Evangeline had never agreed with my assessment of that script. Well, she wouldn't, would she? Not when it was such a plum leading role for her. 'Lucy is a brilliant playwright. Any moment now the world will recognize her genius.'

  'Uh-huh.'

  'I've told Nova not to let Lucy sign anything. We're going to the Emperor Uncloth'd ourselves tonight.'

  'Are we?' This was news to me, I'd been hoping for a quiet evening at home. We were overdue for one.

  'We'll turn Tex over to them there and they can return him tomorrow. More importantly, we'll find out what Lucy is working on.'

  'Uh-huh.' I didn't think I was strong enough for that. Not now. Maybe never. 'Meanwhile, how about something to eat?'

  'Yes, yes.' But her impatience was not entirely genuine. I heard her stomach rumble faintly.

  'Get your cellphone out and see if you can whistle up Eddie and his cab,' I said. He can take us to the supermarket. That hound has just about eaten us out of house and home.'

  8

  True to her word ('For a change,' Evangeline grumbled), Nova collected us at about seven that evening. We all piled into the cab, Tex settling down on the floor of the back seat with a contented sigh, and headed off into the unknown.

  Unknown to us. Nova drove with expert precision along narrow streets, cutting down dark byways and barely lit passages that had never been designed for motor cars or even horse-drawn carriages. We were deep in terra incognita when she rounded a final corner and drew up in front of a low dark building crouching in a murky alleyway. A heavy mist was rolling in from somewhere to the rear of the building.

  Thump-thump-thump. One of us was happy, at least.

  'This is it? We're here?' I hoped Nova would say something like, 'No, we've just run out of petrol' or, 'We have a flat tyre', but she got out of the cab and came round to open the door with a flourish.

  'The Emperor Uncloth'd,' she announced. 'Isn't that a great pub sign?'

  We looked upward as she gestured. It might have been an illustration from the Hans Christian Andersen fairy tales. A plump complacent gentleman wearing a crown, with orb and sceptre discreetly positioned, followed by a smirking page boy holding an invisible train clear of the ground, pranced down a street between lines of goggling peasants.

  I made a mental bet that the locals had some very interesting nicknames for this particular pub.

  Tex bounded out of the cab and stood waiting for us, tail wagging, looking around with interest. This was his kind of territory. He could hardly wait to see what would happen next.

  I was surveying the scene without any such anticipation. The lights glowing within the pub were too dim to be welcoming. They must have paid their electricity bill, I told myself, otherwise they wouldn't have any lights at all. Perhaps there was one of those power cuts in force where they lowered the power rather than cutting it off completely.

  'Are we near the river?' There was an increasingly heavy damp mist, if not downright fog, curling along the narrow passage.

  'The canal,' Nova said. 'We're miles away from the river here. Miles away from anywhere, really,' she added wistfully. 'That's why they've started running this theatre. They're hoping to pull in more customers with it.'

  'Uh-huh.' I gazed at the poster displayed in the window. I didn't think they were going to attract a lot of custom with this offering: 'THE CRUMBL'D WALL, a Modern Tragedy in Blank Verse'. Not unless they had a disproportionate number of masochists in the catchment area.

  'Come along, Trixie.' Evangeline glanced at the poster and barely quailed. 'You want to see Lucy again, don't you?'

  Actually, I didn't. I could live out the rest of my life quite happily if I never saw Lucy again. And that went for Nova, too.

  Evangeline didn't wait for a reply. She pushed open the saloon bar door and entered. Tex shoved ahead of me, panting and eager, the smells obviously familiar and homelike to him. I wondered if he'd be disappointed not to discover any of his old friends inside. So far, he hadn't seemed to be missing anyone, not even his master.

  'Do you see what I see?' Evangeline halted in mid-stride and stiffened. I stopped just in time to keep from bumping into her and followed her gaze.

  'Hello, Sweetums,' I said. Well, someone had to say something. Evangeline was just standing there glaring at her. The same young man was at her side; I tried to remember his name.

  'Evangeline Sinclair and Trixie Dolan!' He had no such trouble with ours. 'We meet again!' Sweetums gave him a nasty look; he didn't have to sound so enthusiastic about it.

  'Hello, girls.' She widened her eyes. 'What are you doing here?'

  'Nova and Lucy have been dear friend
s for ages.' Evangeline wasted no time in firing a warning shot across Sweetums's bow. 'In fact, I nearly starred in Lucy's last play.'

  'How interesting.' Sweetums lost no time in returning fire. 'I'm starring in her next play.'

  They faced each other like two dogs growling over a coveted bone that lay between them. Perhaps that wasn't very complimentary to Lucy – or perhaps it was. An untried playwright with two major actresses warring over her next, still unfinished, play, had to be flattered by such a situation. It was enough to go to anyone's head.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Nova start towards us, then halt as she took in the situation and decided she didn't want to get involved until it had cooled a bit. She veered off and headed in the opposite direction, towards a doorway outlined in very low-wattage lightbulbs which had to lead to the performance area. Tex loped after her.

  'Let me get you two a drink.' Sweetums's escort could not possibly be as oblivious to every undercurrent as he appeared. Could he?

  'A large brandy.' Evangeline glanced at the poster displayed on the bar and shuddered. 'An extra large one,' she amended, obviously remembering the usual size of British measures.

  'Sounds good to me,' I seconded.

  'And I'll have a refill, Terence, dear.' Sweetums underlined her proprietary rights.

  'Right you are.' Terence pulled out a billfold, the bulk of which allayed any misgivings I might have had about the expense of our order. Not that I had many; any male squiring Sweetums around had to have plenty in his pocket and more in reserve.

  A man in the centre of a group of young men at the other end of the bar raised his glass to us. Then one of the other men did, then another. We were recognized.

  The trouble was that some of them looked familiar to me. To tell the truth, most of them did. I realized that they must be regulars on the pub theatre circuit and were saluting us, not only for our past achievements, but as new recruits to their ranks.

  Evangeline inclined her head graciously and gave them a wave in lieu of raising the glass she had not yet acquired. I did the same, albeit with a vague feeling of apprehension. We were opening the gates to who knew what barbarians might be lurking without.

  Sweetums pouted prettily and not only raised her glass, but fluttered her fingers, too. In another couple of seconds, she was going to invite them to join us and to peel her a grape.

  Fortunately, Terence returned with our drinks just then and, simultaneously, the bell rang to signal that the performance was about to start. We picked up our drinks and followed the crowd.

  I might have known it. Beyond the lighted doorway, a long narrow flight of stairs twisted upwards. Couldn't any of these people produce a play on the ground floor? We both halted at the foot of the stairs and looked at them gloomily.

  'Need any help?' An arm was offered – not Terence's, luckily, or Sweetums would have torn it off and beaten him over the head with it.

  'I can manage quite well, thank you!' Evangeline snapped. I'm simply wondering whether it will be worth the effort.'

  'Oh, certainly. Sorry.' He snatched his arm back as though fearing she might bite it.

  'We've met before, haven't we?' Perhaps that was putting it a bit too strongly, but I wanted to cool the situation. 'Now where – ?'

  'At The Lower Depths,' he said eagerly. 'At the Red Bull. I'm Vic Varney.'

  'Of course you are,' I said warmly, ignoring Evangeline's snort. It might have been an inane remark, but at least it was polite – which was more than Evangeline could manage.

  'Come along, Trixie, you're blocking the way.' Evangeline turned and ascended the stairs at a pace that could do her no good.

  I looked around. True, a few people had piled up behind Vic, but most of the audience were sidestepping us without trouble and heading up the stairs. The young men hovering behind Vic were the ones he had been drinking with in the corner and it was only too obvious from their hopeful expressions that they were far more interested in meeting us than in rushing upstairs to the performance.

  Sweetums caught the prevailing mood, too. She beamed at the massed faces. An audience was an audience. 'Why, Vic,' she said, 'aren't you going to introduce us to your friends?'

  'What?' He had been gazing after Evangeline with the look of a hunting dog who had just seen a plump juicy pigeon get away. 'What? Oh, yes, of course. Sorry.' He shuffled uneasily, as though pushed from behind, and glanced over his shoulder at the expectant faces.

  'Adam, Mark, Paul, Greg and Ledbetter.' He reeled off the names while their owners acknowledged them with a wave.

  'Ledbetter?' Sweetums arched her eyebrows, unaware that the use of a surname often denoted a more intimate acquaintanceship than the use of a first name. 'What an unusual name.'

  'Unusual person,' someone said from the back and raised a laugh from the others.

  'Ledbetter is a very unusual person,' Vic said earnestly, lest we get the wrong idea. 'He's the stake-holder.'

  Someone murmured in protest behind him and his face flushed a deep red. Somehow, he had put his foot in it.

  'I mean –' he began.

  'If he's got a stake, he must be after you girls.' Sweetums saw her cue and pounced on it, her laugh tinkling out merrily. 'They've just finished that Dracula picture,' she explained to the others, who were looking uneasy. 'They must be used to stakes by now. And silver bullets, too.'

  Aha! I hadn't realized it had rankled so much with Sweetums that we had a new film coming out soon. Dracula or not, a job was a job – and it was a long time since Sweetums had graced the Silver Screen.

  'Oh, no, it's not that sort of stake.' Vic blushed even deeper. 'It's stake, as in betting –'

  A low warning growl behind him coincided with the clang of the final warning bell.

  'I mean,' he said hastily. 'We have the occasional flutter among ourselves. A pool on the Derby, or who'll make the highest individual score in the darts tournament, that sort of thing.' His brow was beaded with perspiration, he looked over his shoulder to his friends for their approval.

  'Trix-ieee ...' Evangeline called from the top of the stairs. 'Hurry along, you're holding up the show.'

  'We're coming.' Sweetums moved forward and clutched at Terence's arm. 'Oooh, why are your stairs always so steep and uneven?'

  'Old building,' Terence said. 'Mind that step. Most of them were dwelling places originally. The staircases were deliberately constructed with one or two steps higher than the others. The householders knew which ones they were; the theory was that any thief sneaking in during the night would stumble on the uneven step and rouse the house or, with any luck, fall and break a leg or perhaps kill himself. Life was cheap in those days – especially for the criminal element.'

  Someone sniggered behind us and it occurred to me that it wasn't particularly tactful of Terence to speak so disparagingly of the criminal element in this neighbourhood. It might even be dangerous.

  'Oh, isn't he wonderful?' Sweetums cried. 'He knows everything! You just have to ask him a question and you've got the answer.'

  I recognized the sound of Evangeline grinding her teeth again as I drew abreast of her.

  'There do not appear to be any seats available,' she announced grimly.

  'Plenty of seats.' Vic looked around. 'Move along there, you chaps,' he directed.

  I saw, with sinking heart, that it was amphitheatre seating: padded benches with no divisions between the seats. Seats? They were nothing but spaces – and no back to them, either, just the rise of the next tier of benching so that, if you leaned back incautiously, you risked getting the toes of someone's shoe in the back of your neck.

  Terence had bustled Sweetums to the end of one of the rows and was busy clearing a place for them in the centre of the row.

  'No, oh, no, thank you,' I said as someone stood to allow us to get past. 'I'll just sit here at the end, thank you.' Near the exit. I knew which side my bread was buttered on.

  'Yes, that will do.' Evangeline gave me a push and sat down on the very end sp
ace, ensuring that she was not cheek by jowl with any of the groundlings.

  I glanced sideways at the man I was inadvertently snuggling up next to and was not reassured by what I saw. How pleased I'll be when the vogue for designer stubble has run its course. The audience beyond him did not look any more prepossessing. They were probably all quite respectable students, and possibly lecturers, at the London School of Economics but, in the half-light, they managed to look amazingly sinister.

  The clearing at the bottom of the tiers of benches – I wouldn't dignify it by calling it a stage – provided no reassurance, either, although the crumbling pile of masonry in the centre of it had something familiar about it. Could it be meant to be the Berlin Wall? Were they writing would-be epics about that already?

  'You'll be happy to know there is an interval in this one,' a voice said behind me. I turned as much as I was able and saw one of the young men from downstairs. Combining that remark with the piercing blue eyes gazing at me intently, I was now able to identify him as the man who had been behind me in the audience at Farewell, Everyone.

  'Oh, thank you ... er, Adam?' I smiled at him and he nodded. 'That is comforting to know.'

  'Thought it would cheer you. How are you feeling now?'

  'Feeling? Oh, just fi— ' In the nick of time, Evangeline nudged me, reminding me not to give away our escape plan.

  'Oh, better, thank you,' I amended quickly. 'Although it is rather close in here, isn't it?'

  'Not a breath of air,' he acknowledged cheerfully. 'But it's better than it was before they banned smoking.'

  There was a flurry of activity in what passed for the wings and I heard a friendly 'Woof'. Then we were plunged into Stygian darkness for long enough for me to note with foreboding that there was no dimly glowingEXIT sign over the doorway. Did that mean there was no emergency lighting? And wasn't that against fire regulations?

  Distracted by that and by the rustlings and stumblings as the actors assumed their places, I was barely aware that someone had knelt beside Evangeline and was whispering a message to her.