A Gift Freely Given (The Tahaerin Chronicles Book 1)

by J. Ellen Ross

  Leisha stood and walked to the window in her bedrooms overlooking the courtyard. Men and horses milled around as Lukas and his retinue prepared to leave. Even with so little warning, the Yard Marshal had assembled wagons to carry their supplies and oversaw the men leading horses out of their stalls. It would take another couple of hours before they left, she estimated. Then she would call for Symon and it would be done. She hated waiting and began pacing, eager for this to be over.

  As soon as she heard the hunting party exiting through the gate, Leisha threw open the door to her apartments and stormed into the hallway. “Symon,” she shouted ahead of her. A servant, wide-eyed and terrified, jumped out of her way. At this time of the morning, he would be working somewhere nearby. He kept an office near her rooms now. “Symon!” she shouted again, getting angrier as she went.

  His head poked around a doorway and he saw an infuriated young woman stalking down the hall towards him. She never yelled like this. “Yes, Your Grace?” Now she reminded him of an enraged dragon, ready to breathe fire and roast a village of unsuspecting peasants.

  “I have a rather large request,” she began, seething in anger. “I need enough wagons to hold all of Prince Lukas’s worldly possessions here immediately. I need teams of men to begin packing anything of his, clothes, books, crossbow bolts. By tomorrow morning, I want everything loaded in those wagons. Then, I want them pulled outside the city walls. Dump them there. Set no guards on them. If everything is stolen, I don’t care.” Everything came out without her drawing another breath.

  She paused for a moment, thinking. “One more thing. By six bells tonight, I want criers all over town announcing a ban on Lukas and any of his party. They may not come into Branik or into the city. Ever again. Can it be done?”

  Symon thought he might die from joy, and then he thought how delightful it would be to die this happy. He tried not to grin. “Yes, Your Grace. I’ll oversee the plans myself. And I’ll let you know how things are progressing.”

  That afternoon, Zaraki and Capar rode through the gate after spending the day together outside the city. It looked as if a flood had washed through and swept the contents of the castle out to the yard. Wagons stood everywhere, as men carried bundles of unidentified things down and dumped them unceremoniously inside. Piles of other things collected at the base of the stairs as man after man exited with armloads of trunks and boxes. As he watched the unfolding chaos and tried to guess at its cause a herald walked onto the front steps. In a loud voice he proclaimed, “By the command of Her Majesty, Leisha, Queen of Tahaerin, it is to be known by all her subjects that a ban is imposed on Prince Lukas of Embriel and all his party. None may enter Branik Castle or the city of Lida.”

  Zaraki stared at the herald in amazement, unsure if he trusted his ears. He wondered if pumping his fist in the air would be unseemly and while he thought it would, he did it anyway. Once he put Capar into his stall, he ran through the yard to find Symon. Objectivity be damned, Lukas would no longer trouble him.

  “Symon? What happened?” he asked, skidding to a halt when he finally tracked the castellan down in the wing of the castle Lukas occupied. Or rather, had occupied. All around, servants scoured the rooms, removing all traces of the Embriel prince.

  “She didn’t say, but Lukas left this morning to go hunting. No sooner had they passed out of the gates than she was calling for me to evict the princeling.”

  “That’s just the best news. Just the best,” Zaraki said, still grinning. He clapped Symon on the shoulder. “I’m going to personally pay a bounty to any guard who catches one of those bastards from Embriel trying to sneak back into town.” He stopped and looked in the direction of Leisha’s apartments. “How is she?”

  “I haven’t seen her all day. I told her I would keep her updated, but she hasn’t opened the door to her apartments.”

  “Should I go see her?”

  “I don’t know,” he said, shaking his head. “She was full of righteous fury this morning. But now I suspect she’s cooled down.”

  ***

  For the two days after evicting Lukas, Leisha stayed in her rooms. She sent her maids away and ignored the food left on the table in the outer chamber. Confusion and sadness stalked her, which only served to infuriate her more. Listening to Lukas’s thoughts reminded her painfully of hearing what her nannies thought of her. Hearing his lies shattered her. “You learned this lesson when you were six. Why did you have to learn it all over again?” she asked herself more than once.

  On day three, she opened her doors and ate breakfast in her receiving room as usual. But instead of working, she spent most of her time thinking. Combing over every detail of Lukas she could recall, she looked for the first moment she should have known he was lying. She considered the whole affair a monumental failure on her part and hated that. She was too smart, too cautious and too deliberate to fail like this.

  Zaraki stopped by as soon as he heard her doors were open again. “Your Majesty?” He saw piles of neglected work in haphazard stacks on her desk. For once, she looked tired and pensive.

  She felt a jolt of pleasure at this visit, realizing how much she missed seeing him. “Hello. How is everything today?”

  He held back, unsure, wanting to ask if she needed anything or to tell her he was sorry. But it was not his place. She paid him to be a spy, not her friend or confidante. “Excellent,” he said. “I received letters from agents in a couple of towns. They had a few interesting things to say.”

  “Good. I’ll have lunch brought here again for us today. I’ve missed our meals together.”

  He knew this was as much acknowledgment as she would give to the Lukas incident, as Symon had taken to calling it. She did not want to discuss anything private, he could see. Lukas would likely never be brought up again.

  Surfacing

  For several weeks, Leisha withdrew into herself, confused and unsure of her footing. She attended to her work, met with Zaraki and Symon and her other court officials, but she only engaged as much as required. When their meetings concluded, she often retreated to her private rooms for the rest of the day. At night, she brooded. The melancholy over Lukas passed. With him gone, it felt like a weight had left her. She no longer worried about his happiness or what he was doing to irritate her people.

  What bothered her more was the embarrassment she felt. All her life she had been cautious and slow to make decisions. She thought through all avenues first, turning decisions over and over to avoid looking foolish or having to change her mind—both things which gave her enemies fodder. Yet, with Lukas, she plunged in headfirst without the slightest thought or hesitation. She allowed him to move in Branik without considering how it would affect the other people who lived here. And in truth, Lukas and his party had annoyed everyone with their constant demands and entitled attitudes. Leisha saw her castle as a community while Lukas viewed it as a flophouse for his friends.

  Now, everyone knew she had made a mistake—a mistake she regretted. Worse, she had been so foolish and naïve. Why had she never realized what Lukas wanted? He did not want her or love her, he wanted to be king. It embarrassed her to be wrong, and she hated the feeling. So she withdrew to her rooms, spending her time reading, reinforcing that, for so many years, holding people at arm’s length worked. Again and again, she reminded herself the one time she slipped, Lukas happened.

  It took nearly a month of brooding and sulking before Leisha found her equilibrium and emerged from her rooms. By then she felt frustrated, angry at herself and her isolation. She was queen and curse whatever people thought. If they wanted to ridicule her, she would see it in their thoughts and send them packing.

  But Lukas had uncovered something she kept buried very deep: her loneliness. He had been a friend for a while, and now with him gone she had no one to talk to. Lonely. Because she let Lukas in, she was lonely. Lonely, like she used to be in Embriel before she shut everyone out. Lonely, like when she still wanted friendship with the other children and the nurses and they r
ejected her.

  She had pushed everyone away and drawn lines between herself and her people. Firm boundaries kept her safe. If she stayed aloof and above them, they would respect her as their ruler and they could never hurt her. But if she never allowed herself any deeper relationship with her people, who could she befriend now that she was lonely?

  Another month passed this way with Leisha becoming more and more desperate for some sort of connection with someone, but too afraid to step over the lines she had drawn. She went out of her way to spend time with Symon and Zaraki and then mulled over every interaction. They seemed the most likely to accept any overtures of friendship from her. They were her closest allies and they shared many of the same interests.

  Fear held her back now. It always felt safer to retreat and don the mask of the aloof queen who did not need friends. But she could see now the mask lay shattered in pieces all over the floor, and she could not figure out how to fit it all back together.

  She admitted to herself she cared deeply for both men. So much so, she had rarely read their thoughts in nearly six years together. She so feared hearing they disapproved of her or were disappointed. Or maybe they just did not like her at all. What if they did not like her?

  When they were together, she caught herself laughing with them and smiling more, but ventured no further than that. Still, it was not enough; the loneliness clawed at her, making her miserable at night when she could not sleep. Spending time with either man left her frustrated, filled with things she wanted to say, angry at the fear paralyzing her and keeping her from making a move.

  Finally, she realized others were being affected by her moodiness and sour disposition. She thought of her mother and how people hated her. If she wanted to avoid the same fate, she had two choices: put her loneliness back in its box and forget it, or change. Facing your fears and conquering them won you a crown and a kingdom, she told herself.

  One evening, unable to sleep again, Leisha wrapped herself in a long robe and went for a walk. The silent corridors of the castle felt oppressive and she started back to her apartments. Coming to the end of her hall, however, she saw a light and found Symon still working in his little suite of rooms. “Why are you up so late?” she asked. The man was no longer young, she realized. His years showed in his thinning gray hair and fresh lines on his face.

  He jumped, startled by her interruption. “Your Highness, you frightened me.”

  Here she had a chance to try out her newfound resolve. Leisha paused and drew a deep breath, trying to think of what she could say to him after all these years. “I’m sorry, Symon,” she said in a choked whisper, not sure what she apologized for.

  He blinked at her, unsure what to do next while the words hung in the air between them. Standing rigid in his doorway, her hands clenched by her side, Symon saw the little girl in the carriage, the one who refused to cry or mourn the home she lost. He saw the angry girl he brought back to Lida, the one who never found a home in Embriel. And he saw the young woman Lukas seduced with promises and sweet words. Those times, he held back, afraid of violating some point of etiquette or speaking out of turn. Tonight, he could see she wanted to say something but did not know how to start. He decided tonight he would reach out to her and accept the consequences. “Would you like to come in and talk, my lady?”

  Hesitating at the door, Leisha drew a breath and found her courage. She stepped inside and sat down on the edge of one of his very nice chairs, looking awkward, and out of place. Sitting here, she had no idea what to say and wanted to leave.

  “How have you been, Highness? We all hate to see you so consumed by melancholy,” he said kindly, hoping to nudge her into talking to him, but not wanting to scare her away.

  “That’s all over now. I’ve taken three months to wallow in my self-pity and to think a great deal,” Leisha said, annoyed with herself.

  “I’m sure,” Symon said. “It’s never easy to lose someone you once cared about.”

  “Lukas was not the problem.” She scowled and glanced around the room before dropping her eyes to stare at her hands as they plucked at her robe. “Before I lose my nerve, can I ask you a question?”

  He had never seen her so troubled. “Of course.”

  A small voice asked, “Symon, would you like to be my friend?”

  Leisha saw a puzzled look cross his face and then he sat forward to look her in the eyes. “I’ve always been your friend, my lady. Always.”

  She drew back, not expecting that answer. Was it an accusation? Frustrated, she felt her throat tighten as tears threatened to fall. They pricked at the corners of her eyes and she wanted to run back to her sanctuary. She wanted this to go differently and now saw all her fears realized.

  Seeing her distress, Symon came to the rescue. “I would very much like it if you wanted to be my friend, though. Your father and I enjoyed a long friendship.”

  “How did you do it?” she asked, her voice tight and little more than a whisper.

  “I respected him as king and he respected me. And we were also friends. It really wasn’t very hard. Not as hard as you’re making it.” Lukas had said the same thing.

  “I’ve made a terrible mess of things.” Admitting it almost broke her. At the same time, though, Leisha felt relieved as if it had been a huge secret looming between them.

  “No. I think you learned a great deal from this experience. You’re here talking to me, aren’t you? Was this affair a mistake? Yes, maybe even unwise. But you’re young and are just beginning to explore the world. Nothing is ruined.” He gave her a warm smile. “Now I’m reaching the end of my career, and I can say what I’m thinking without much fear. There are other, younger men here who have a great deal to lose. Talk to him too, Highness. Please.”

  Leisha sat for a long time, staring down at her hands. “Thank you, Symon. You’ve given me a great deal to think about.” She rose and stepped into the hallway and then her head emerged again around the edge of the door. “Symon, you’re not allowed to retire, ever.” This time, she returned to her rooms.

  Her chest ached and she knew Symon was right. As much as the whole debacle with Lukas left her raw and embarrassed, she had learned a great deal and now she wanted to change. She felt ready to throw off the restrictions she placed on herself all those years ago, ready to reach out to those nearest to her. And, as vague as his words were, she knew who he meant. She shied away from the thought of it, not ready yet. But given time to prepare, time to plan and time to find the courage she needed, she would be.

  Finding

  A week after her conversation with Symon, Leisha rushed to finish all the work laid out for her. The sun sat high and with the morning clouds burned off, light streaming in her windows called her outside. After tackling requests for new latrine pits to be dug and a dispute between two merchant families in town which threatened to erupt into armed combat, she felt ready to address the other issue hanging over her. Gathering up all her newly found determination and her shoes, she went in search of Zaraki.

  She found him talking to Symon by the entrance to the kitchens. After greeting them both with a sunny smile, she said, “I’d like to walk in my gardens, Spymaster. Together.”

  Smiling at the unexpected request, Zaraki bowed. “Of course, Your Highness.” He threw a confused look at Symon. Three months of a sullen, withdrawn Leisha and now she invited him for a private walk? The old man shrugged.

  Together, they strolled down the hallway and towards the gate that opened on the castle park. A gravel path veered off the main walkway and led to the formal gardens. Realizing how rarely he came here, Zaraki thought he should make time for it more often. An army of gardeners kept beautiful bushes and hedges trimmed into fanciful shapes. Paths wound around collections of exotic plants and trees.

  “Zaraki,” Leisha began. “I wanted to talk to you privately because I feel I owe you an apology. And I want to explain.” She looked down and they walked several steps more before she continued. “I honestly don’t even know wher
e to begin. I’ve made such a mess of things.”

  He tried to imagine where she meant to go with this. The admission was by far the most personal thing she had ever shared with him, and he wondered why she would suddenly open up after all these years.

  “Lukas,” she said, hearing his silent question without needing to read his mind.

  Now pain lanced through his chest. He had no right, but watching her suffer and mourn over Lukas’s departure felt like a knife in his heart. He preferred not to think about the prince ever again.

  “I thought he and I were friends. He was so charming and so pleasant to be with in Otokar. It was all lies, and I made a huge mistake in trusting him. I only did it because I was lonely and because I wanted a friend.” With that part out of the way, Leisha felt a weight lifted from her. She wanted Zaraki to understand and she wanted to put Lukas behind her forever.

  “All my childhood, I was always lonely, always unliked because I was the foreign princess who could read minds. I could hear exactly what my nannies thought about me and it just became easier to shut everyone out, to avoid the hurt. I drew these lines. Servants on one side, me on the other,” she said, indicating the division with her hands.

  “But Lukas wasn’t a servant, and he uncovered a part of me I’d kept hidden. Having him around reminded me how lonely I was. But I want you to understand. The reason for all my sadness and despondency was not Lukas. I just missed having a friend and I wanted to reach out to people here. But I spent so much time building walls between myself and all of you, I didn’t know how to take them down.”

  Stopping in the middle of the path, she looked up at him, her brow knitted together and sadness written on her face. “You and Symon have always been my friends. I just never saw it and I never treated you as such. I want to apologize, Zaraki. I owe you far more than I’ve ever offered. There were times I could’ve extended a hand to you, but instead I held back, afraid. You’ve always been here for me, protecting me, even from myself. You’ve put yourself in danger to save me. Now I want to be more than just queen and servant. I want to be friends with you.”