A Gift Freely Given (The Tahaerin Chronicles Book 1)

by J. Ellen Ross

  Zaraki swallowed hard. An unexpected apology and an offer of friendship seemed a singular honor—a blessing almost, bestowed rarely. He fumbled for words. “Of course, Your Grace—”

  “No, please,” she interrupted. “Forget the formalities. Please? I’ve changed a great deal because of this whole affair. Can you forgive me? I want to be equals who enjoy each other’s company. Call me by my name?”

  Years of training clashed with his need to please her. Formal court etiquette kept her name off limits. “It will take some getting used to,” he admitted. Because she valued his honesty she would have it, he thought, and he knew she could see his unease.

  “I command it, then,” she teased, feeling a weight lift from her shoulders with this part of her confession out of the way.

  They continued walking together in companionable silence and sensing this was a moment not to be wasted, Zaraki offered her his arm. She smiled and looped hers around his.

  Because she was trying, he decided he would, too. “Leisha, I’m honored to be your friend.” Having her this close reopened wounds that should have healed by now, but it felt good to say her name aloud. If this was all she ever offered, he would be satisfied, he made himself promise.

  A riot of color and smells greeted them as they entered a different part of the gardens. Flowers of all types replaced sculpted bushes, and small fountains played in the middle of the beds. As the sun rose further overhead, Leisha steered them toward more shaded paths leading to fragrant herb beds.

  As they walked, she closed her eyes and tried to gather her courage. Fear poked at her, reminding her how much it hurt when someone she cared for turned away. But the time for fear had passed. She could not change if she let her hesitation rule her.

  Drawing a deep breath, Leisha said, “That brings me to the second thing I wanted to talk about. I want you to listen and to be completely honest with me. Nothing you say will change this friendship. You’re so important to me and I’m only just realizing it. I won’t lose this.”

  Now Zaraki’s heart leapt into his throat. Six years together and he knew she cared about him. But to hear her say it meant the world to him.

  “I’ve done little over the past three months but think. About myself, about the people around me, about you, about Symon. And I realized it was you I always wanted to see. It was always you I missed when you were away. It was always you I wanted to tell my secrets to.” With the scent of the gardens swirling in the air around them, Leisha stopped again. She withdrew her arm and turned to face him.

  “But I was always too afraid to reach out to you and tell you any of that. What if you were furious with me? Or disappointed? Or you just didn’t care? What if this was just a job? I didn’t know how to live with any of that.” Leisha heard the tremor in her voice as she stared down at her hands.

  “The last few months, I couldn’t figure out where all that fear came from. It made no sense unless you were more to me than just a servant or a friend.”

  She looked back up him and saw his mop of golden hair, the handsome face and blue eyes. “It came to me like a clap of thunder on a clear day. If I didn’t say anything, then I’d never have to know that you didn’t care. And I’d never have to admit that I was in love with you.”

  There. It was done.

  Zaraki felt the world shift under his feet. Staring at her, mouth agape, his heart hammered in his chest and he forgot to breathe. No map existed to guide him in this uncharted land. He had never imagined this outcome to his unrequited love and now he floundered, unsure how to respond.

  When she met his eyes, she looked uncertain, unsure of herself, suddenly vulnerable and so lovely. Men of all rank and class trembled and bent their knees to her. Yet here, he could see all her confidence abandoned her.

  “I’ve loved you for four years,” he blurted out, emotion choking his voice.

  Leisha shook her head and drew back, looking doubtful. She had not expected that, and it reminded her of Lukas’s sudden declaration.

  “I’m very good at keeping secrets,” Zaraki explained and that drew a smile from her. “I am. It’s true. I’ve been madly in love with you for years.”

  Confusion and trepidation played across her face. He knew her so well and he recognized when she found it hard to trust.

  “Here. Just like when we met, let me show you I’m sincere,” he said. “See what I feel every time I look at you. Please?” He held out a hand to her.

  What if it’s what I saw in Lukas? What if it’s all lies?

  Years ago, she had given him her trust without question and never once had he abused that. She would trust that way again, she decided. Drawing a deep breath, she took the hand he offered and opened herself to him.

  It felt nothing at all like Lukas.

  A wave of love and tenderness crashed down, buffeting her—feelings Leisha longed for her whole life. Zaraki conjured a memory of her that day four years ago, the day she hugged him. She saw herself running to him, hair wild, felt her press herself against him. Like the tide rushing in, she felt his joy rising to envelop her. Ecstasy, passion, and longing swirled around her until his emotions consumed her. She reveled in the touch and feel of his love. When the storm subsided, a smile spread across her face, childlike and full of wonder.

  “I’ve been so blind,” Leisha said, breathless and awed.

  “I thought I couldn’t tell you. You’re a queen. You don’t fall in love with orphaned peasant boys. And because if you said you didn’t care, I couldn’t bear it.”

  Leisha heard fear and anguish and inadequacy in his voice. “What a pair we are. I couldn’t imagine anyone better to fall in love with than you. What do we do now?”

  Appearing lost, Zaraki shrugged. “Highness, I have no idea how to love you. I’ve kept my secret for so long. How does a peasant love a queen?”

  “All right, then,” she said, considering, feeling brave and reckless with her confession behind her. “Then I want to kiss you.”

  Stretching up on her toes, Leisha reached up to touch his face. Then, she pressed her lips to his.

  He smelled lavender in her hair again. It overwhelmed his senses, and in a rush, Zaraki let go. All his perfect restraint vanished, all his training evaporated as he finally acknowledged all the longing and wanting. Years fell away and he held her for the first time again, feeling the warmth of her, discovering the scent of her skin. Glittering hairpins fell to the pathway as his hand tangled in her dark hair, pulling her hard against his body. His other hand slid down her back, exalting in the feel of her, this sudden freedom to touch her.

  Leisha met his urgency with her own. This. This felt right. This was everything Lukas was not. Feeling lost and out of control, for once in her life she did not care. One hand pulled his head down to her mouth. His lean body pressed against her and she wanted him to take her here, in the garden, on the ground.

  She slipped her other hand under his tunic and let it play over his back.

  Her touch was fire, and Zaraki wanted so much more. But not this way. Instead, he lifted his head. “Wait. Wait,” he panted. Leisha’s eyes were wide, her lips parted. “We’re still in the garden,” he managed.

  For a moment, she only blinked at him, then a crooked smile appeared and her eyes refocused. “So we are. We should go inside before someone comes looking for us.” Pulling her hand back across his skin, Leisha tucked both behind her back. He shuddered. Once he had fixed his tunic, she held out the same hand.

  “Are you sure?” he asked, thinking of who might see and what they would say.

  “I don’t care.” For all his many faults, Lukas had been right about one thing. She would not let other people make the rules for her any longer.

  They walked back to the entrance to her apartments, holding hands.

  Leisha called for dinner so they could eat together, in the dining room with the grand table she never used. They pulled chairs close to one another, still awkwardly unsure of what the other would permit. Plates of roasted deer a
nd rabbit appeared, and the servants smiled behind their hands, whispering about their queen having a private dinner with her spymaster as they left.

  Zaraki sat in a daze for most of the time. “How do I do this?” he finally asked. “How do I love you? What are the rules?”

  Smiling, she said, “I want it all. I still have a public face to maintain. I’m still queen. But in private, I want a friend, a lover, a partner. I want to talk, to make love, to spend time together. I want it all if you’re willing to share yourself with me.”

  He almost laughed; the situation seemed so absurd. “If I’m willing? I love you. I have loved you. I’ve been happy just being with you. I’ll give you anything you want and take anything you give.”

  Leisha thought about it, wondering why she always held herself apart from him and the others. With her confession only hours old, already she knew she loved him, had loved him for years. “I know almost nothing about you. While we finish eating, give me your past.”

  So he told her his story. He told her about the attack and his family’s annihilation. He talked about being taken into Lord Edik’s employ and his training to hunt and kill and spy. Finally, he told her about his oaths, how falling in love with her violated everything Cezar taught him. “I knew it was wrong. I couldn’t serve you fully and love you at the same time. But I knew I couldn’t leave you, either. There was no one I could trust to protect you. So I took all my love for you and became the best man I could be. And the most loyal, most trusted advocate you could have.”

  He opened his mouth and closed it again, trying to find the right words to justify the choices he made. “I haven’t been with any woman since that day I realized I loved you. I tried, but none of them were you.” He looked down at his hands, his thoughts a complicated web. He wanted to confess, to unburden, and to explain what he had never told anyone.

  “Like Jan and Eli. I trust them implicitly, but they’ve gone on to marry and have children. If forced, they would choose their families over you. I don’t have any of those things. No children, no wife, no family. I have nothing but you. To make sure you lived.”

  Leisha stared at his mop of golden brown hair, realizing how little she truly knew about this man who had killed for her, who had given up everything for her. She felt his warring emotions: fear for her, painful longing, joy at her successes. All those years living only for her. She felt unworthy and so blind. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t know, Zaraki.”

  “No,” he shook his head and met her gaze. “Never be sorry. Never. I kept you alive and you’re here. I wouldn’t change anything. I love you.”

  With so little experience, Leisha did not know what to say or do. So she rose from her seat and moved to stand in front of him.

  He put his hands around her waist and drew her down to his lap, then crushed her to his chest. “I love you. Thank you for this chance.” She could hear his heart beating as she relaxed into his embrace. For the first time in her life, she felt special, treasured and loved.

  Suddenly, his thoughts turned to the fear of losing what he had only just found. “I need to know,” he said. “Is this a fling? Is it more?”

  “It’s much, much more,” she assured him.

  His breath quickened and desire flared hot in his mind and his flesh when he took her face in his hands and kissed her. She felt the conflict. He wanted to give in so badly and he knew she would say yes. Part of her wanted to push him over the edge, but even she could see he needed time. Four years was a long time to go without any pleasure or touch from another person, and he needed to reconnect with that part of himself.

  Zaraki broke the kiss. “Not yet. This is all I’ve ever wanted, but not this way.” He hesitated, shaking his head as if he could not believe he was saying it. “I’m sorry. Even saying your name feels wrong and alien. I need to unlearn that. I’ve dreamt about this for so long. I don’t want to disappoint you or myself.”

  “You’ve never once disappointed me. But let’s just enjoy each other’s company for now.” She was ready, but he was not, and she could accept it.

  They talked well into the evening. Leisha told him about growing up in Embriel, how lonely and isolated she felt. But also, how Andrzej provided for her education and let her ramble through his library and argue with his priests. Sitting together on a bench, she rested her head on his shoulder, just as she longed to do all those years ago. Drawing a deep breath, she said, “If you wanted, I could show you my thoughts, so you can know how I feel.”

  “Can you?” he asked, curiosity coloring his voice.

  “Yes. It’s not something I would do for anyone else. It’s very private for me and very hard for me to share. But it hardly seems fair I get to peek into your head and keep you out of mine.”

  Respecting his wish to wait, she kept the thoughts about romping around naked for hours to herself. Instead, she showed him her pride in him, her sorrow for just now acknowledging her love. She let him see her joy at finding he loved her, and the way her heart swelled to bursting when she imagined a life with him.

  When he finally said goodnight at her bedroom door, his kiss was sweet and almost chaste, but it lingered.

  ***

  The next morning, Leisha rose early and found Symon walking the yard as he usually did before starting his day. He liked to loop around several times, inspecting the castle and talking to workers outside. When she caught up with him, they walked together in silence for some time as she struggled to find the words. “I’m going to take a holiday,” she announced as their path took them past the stables. “For three days. Unless the castle is burning down or we’re being invaded, any work can wait.”

  He gave her a sidelong glance, thinking he could not remember her ever taking so much time for herself. “Oh? Excellent, Highness. I’ll keep everything running while you’re on holiday, then.”

  They continued walking for a while before Leisha blurted out, “Zaraki will be busy as well.”

  “Even better, Highness,” Symon said, beaming at her. “The boy loves you.”

  Blushing, she grinned. “I know that. Finally.”

  Afterwards, Leisha knocked on Zaraki’s door, maids in tow. “I come bearing breakfast and a three-day holiday for you and I. Symon has orders not to bother either of us unless the castle is going up in flames.”

  The servants set the trays inside and left, casting glances at each other. Everyone would soon know the queen and her spymaster spent time alone in his rooms. Zaraki noticed their exchange because it was his job. If Leisha noticed, she did not care.

  “A holiday?” he asked once the servants had gone.

  She smiled and grabbed a plate of eggs and sausage. “Yes, a holiday. We can do whatever we want. I can make those sorts of decisions. After breakfast, we’ll think of something.”

  They ate together and decided this first day they would spend together, just getting comfortable with one another. Leisha made an effort not to shy away from touching his thoughts. Just as Zaraki forced himself to relax and become comfortable being around her.

  “Wait here,” he said after the servants came to clear the dishes. He went to his bedroom and returned with a small, worn book.

  “Is that my old book of poems? You still have it?” she asked, incredulous.

  “Of course I do. You gave it to me.”

  Leisha felt her chest tighten. “It traveled all the way to Embriel and back with me,” she whispered. This was different. Different from Lukas, different from all the people who disappointed her in the past. This was someone who loved her and kept the gifts she gave him. And from the look of the worn pages, he had read from it. How could she have mistaken what she felt for Lukas with love?

  They piled cushions on the floor and read poems to each other. When lunch came, they resented the intrusion of the servants. In the afternoon, Zaraki told her more about his life and how he ended up in Lida.

  Saying goodnight after dinner left Leisha with an unfamiliar lump in her throat. Sleep came at l
ast as she lay alone, imagining unspeakable things she would do with her golden-haired spy.

  The second day, they spent in her apartments, each opening the doors to their personal lives for the other. She showed him the private rooms she kept closed off to him and Symon and felt embarrassed now for shutting them out.

  Zaraki saw the paintings covering the plastered walls in this part of her apartments, just as her father commissioned. In her bedroom, he peeked at the small writing desk she kept covered in books and notes, near one of the large windows. He found it very intimate and loved it all.

  They ate lunch in the solar, and then taking her hand, he led her to the cushioned bench beneath the window in her bedroom. They looked out over the city together and watched ships coming into the harbor. These two days had been exactly what he needed to relearn how to be himself. Seeing a disorganized book-covered desk and a pile of discarded clothes in one corner reminded him she was a woman first, a queen after.

  After being with her near daily for six years, he found it difficult to forget all the etiquette drilled into him as a child, but as they talked he felt himself relaxing. Sitting together, he reached out to brush strands of hair away from her face. “I’ve always thought you were so beautiful.” Leaning over, he kissed her, and it felt natural and wonderful and exciting. The misgivings lingered, but he pushed them aside.

  On the third morning, Leisha arrived with breakfast again. They ate and she asked him about the horse farm in Ola. “I’ve seen my men buying this year’s crop of yearlings from you. They’re lovely beasts.”

  “Profitable, too,” he said around a mouth full of fruit. “But you didn’t have to buy them from me, you know.”

  “Of course I did,” she said sounding surprised as if this were the most ridiculous thing she had heard all day. “They’re your horses.”