Reasons to Leave (Reasons #1)

by Lisa J. Hobman

  Chapter One

  Ten Years Later

  Stevie sighed down the line on hearing her friend’s bad news. “You can’t possibly be serious about this, Mollie? You’re due to leave on that stupid Outward Bounds trip next bloody week! How can you have broken your ankle?”

  “Honestly? I don’t even know. One minute I was upright and the next I was sprawled out, face down on the brushy things with my leg facing one way and my ankle at a weird, jaunty angle.”

  She shivered. “Eugh! Mollie I don’t need to know the details. I can do without the mental image, thanks. I can’t believe you’re not going to be able to go. It’s all you’ve bloody talked about for months. You and David from P.E…alone together.”

  Mollie huffed. “We’d hardly have been alone. A coach load of teenagers isn’t what you could, in any way, call conducive to a blossoming romance.”

  “Ha! Blossoming romance? I’d say it’s still at the seed in the packet on the shelf at the garden centre stage at the moment. Let’s not get delusional, Moll.”

  “Hey, now that’s just mean. And I can’t help it if he only has eyes for a certain Science teacher with long, auburn hair.”

  “David. Does. Not. Fancy. Me.”

  Mollie laughed out loud. “No, you’re right. He never sits there staring all dreamy eyed at you in the staff room. And he never makes a beeline for the Science department’s table on training days. Never.”

  “Oh, shut up. And anyway, the feeling is not mutual. You can have him.”

  “Well, that was my intention when we went up north, but I won’t get the opportunity now.”

  “Hmmm, you’re right. It’s clearly not happening now. So…who’s going in your place?”

  There was a pregnant pause from the other end of the line. “Ah, well…that’s just the thing, you see…the Headteacher asked me who I thought would be a good replacement and—”

  “Oh my God, you didn’t? You wouldn’t do that to me.” Silence. “You did, didn’t you? You told Anthony I’d do it, didn’t you?”

  “Weeeell…I may have suggested—”

  “Mollie Sumner! You cow! I can’t believe you’d do this to me. I’m your best friend. You know me better than anyone, and you know I hate anything to do with the outdoors! How could you?”

  “Don’t be mad, babe. Please! He put me under pressure. I couldn’t think of anyone else.”

  “He put you under pressure? You’re terrified of the man. That’s all. He only has to look at you and you volunteer for anything. And now he’s going to approach me to go on this bloody trip with David and a bus load of spotty snot bags!”

  “That’s what I love about you, your love for the kids you teach.”

  “I love them when I can go home at the end of the day! When I can drink a bottle of red wine on a weekend and forget them for a while. How would I manage a whole week with the blighters? Seriously, Moll, I’m so bloody upset with you right now.”

  ****

  One Week Later

  Day One Of Hell

  A ten-hour journey north from London with a coach load of fifteen-year-olds was not the way Stevie had intended spending the beginning of her week. Or any part of any week, for that matter. She cursed Mollie Sumner for her broken ankle. Honestly, what kind of teacher goes dry slope skiing for the first time a week before an Outward Bounds trip that she had agreed to assist on? Doing such a thing was asking for trouble, tempting fate in the worst possible way.

  Mollie, the Biology teacher, had always been clumsy and accident prone—outdoorsy, but clumsy all the same. This latest accident just proved what everyone else already knew—she was a walking disaster. After trying to find reasons to not go on the trip, she had drawn a complete blank. A female chaperone was necessary and Anthony, the Headteacher, was very persuasive. Although legally he wasn’t allowed to say so in actual words, she got the distinct impression that it was going to go in her favour when the Head of Science position became free in the autumn, and so she had agreed, albeit very reluctantly.

  Her case was crammed with just-in-case items. She had thermals, just in case it was freezing—well Scotland wasn’t known for its tropical temperatures. Insect repellent, just in case there were lots of midges—the rest of the Science department had been teasing her about being feasted upon. A small bottle of Vodka, just in case the stress got too much—although she realised there was little chance of having a sneaky drink, and she was also very much aware that she could lose her job if it was spotted. And so it went on. She thought she had covered pretty much every eventuality, but it didn’t make going any more palatable.

  Since leaving the sprawling metropolis of Glasgow with its high rise blocks, shopping malls, and map flailing tourists in the latest leg of the journey; and after the toilet stop necessitated by some girls who had drunk far too much cola, the passing scenery was a pleasant distraction from the noise of the argumentative teenagers surrounding her in this new version of hell.

  The roads were long and surrounded on both sides by bracken-covered rocks and little streams. Every so often there was a small lake reflecting the mountains and bright blue sky like a mirror. It was peaceful, so very tranquil, the complete antithesis of her normal, everyday life.

  She loved her job. Passionately. But the beauty of it was that she usually got to leave the kids behind on an evening and weekend. But there she was on a Saturday, her favourite day of the week, travelling up to the middle of goodness knows where with a coach load of them and facing the prospect of being unable to leave them at all for the coming seven days.

  Her travel companion and colleague of four years, David Harris, Head of P.E., returned from the back of the coach where he’d been mediating a dispute over an allegedly stolen iPod. David was a nice guy. Conventionally handsome. Stocky but not fat with neat, blonde hair and green eyes. He had a friendly smile and had been very chatty ever since she started work at the school. She had a good working relationship with him. She reckoned he was around six years her senior, putting him at around thirty-four years old. His job clearly kept him fit.

  He slumped into the seat beside her and she glanced up at him. “Kids…who’d have them?” He rolled his eyes. When she didn’t respond, he leaned toward her. “Penny for your thoughts, Mrs. Norton?”

  Her attention was pulled away from the mountainous vista with its azure blue backdrop. “Sorry, what?”

  “You looked deep in thought. Is everything okay?”

  She smiled. “Yeah…yeah I’m fine. I was just thinking that there are…oooh…about a million things I could be, and would rather be doing, than spending a week in Scotland with a group of hormonal adolescents.”

  David nodded and laughed. “Ah, the joys of teaching in high school, eh?”

  “Hmm. Joy is not a word I would necessarily apply to this current predicament we find ourselves in, Mr. Harris.”

  “Oh, come on. It’ll probably be fun. Things usually are when you don’t expect them to be.”

  She shook her head in disbelief and snorted derisively. “Where the hell did you hear that load of crap?” She smiled despite her tone.

  David cringed. “Hmm…okay… I admit it. I made it up. Total lie. Things are usually pretty crap if you expect them to be.” He nudged her shoulder with his own. “Brought your insect repellent?”

  She rolled her eyes, reminded of her recent ribbing by her friends over the week. Clearly news had travelled. “Oh yes. I intend to bathe in it hourly.”

  ****

  After graduating from Brunel University, Stevie had accepted a job as a newly qualified teacher in the Science department at Wilmersden High School. Wilmersden, a leafy suburb of London, was comfortable and familiar because it was close to where she grew up. The four years since she started at the school had been fun. The other Science teachers were a rather crazy bunch—a necessary qualification for teaching Science, so she’d been informed. Her life revolved around school. Even outside of working hours, she socialised with her colleagues, especially her best
friend Mollie. That had been part of the problem for her and Miles.

  She had met Miles at uni during her first year. They had been in several classes together and had a common interest in all things scientific. Whilst she was intending to one day be a teacher, Miles was hoping to go into the field of chemical research. At first they had just been friends, but it had been clear right from the start that Miles was attracted to her. He was a good-looking guy with copper coloured wavy hair and green eyes. He was no male model but he was attractive in that kind of boy-next-door way. He’d flirted with her for months before finally plucking up the courage to ask her out. She’d known it was coming. But she had still said no.

  The reason for her initial negative response was due to the fact that she had been seeing a guy she met in the student cafeteria. Sid had been very demanding, and she’d struggled to keep her virginity intact. Eventually, he had become aggressive, and she had been reminded yet again that men were not to be trusted. When she hadn’t given in to him, he dumped her quite spectacularly in front of his friends, embarrassing her and calling her frigid. The only saving grace was that she hadn’t loved him.

  And so even though many years had passed since Jason’s disappearance, her broken heart, with its misplaced pieces, just wasn’t ready to be glued back together and handed over to another man.

  Men left.

  It was a fact of life.

  Well, a fact of Stevie’s life anyway. First her father and then her first love. Both never to be seen again. And then there had been the Sid debacle. She’d decided, very early on in adulthood, that she would never trust another man enough to give her heart away again. She would keep it firmly under lock and key. She considered herself broken beyond repair. A fact that she had grown to accept since she was eighteen.

  There were so many conversations with her mother over the matter. They always took the same format.

  “Why don’t you just give Miles a chance sweetie? He clearly adores you. It’s been years since Jason left and you really need to start living again.”

  “But Mum, I can’t move on when I’m still in love with him. What if he comes back?”

  “Darling, I think we both know that’s not going to happen.”

  “Shirley thinks it will. She thinks he’ll come back any day now.”

  “Stevie, I don’t mean to be cruel but she’s his mother. She’s clinging on to false hope. Please don’t do the same. If he was going to come back he would have done so by now. Darling, you’re an adult and I can’t tell you what to do or what to think. All I can tell you is that Shirley is living in a dream world. Something happened to make that boy so unhappy that he couldn’t stay here. He’s not coming back and you need to accept it and move on. Miles is a good man. I know he’d treat you right, unlike that Sid character. He was vile and I have no clue what you saw in him. But Miles…Miles is sweet and caring and clearly adores you. All I want is your happiness, sweetie. Please, give him a chance.”

  The conversation would be followed by angry tears, shouting, and words spoken in the heat of the moment that would have her sobbing her apologies to her long-suffering mother later.

  It was always the same.

  Eventually, after much convincing by her mother, she agreed to go on a date with Miles. He took her to a nice restaurant and treated her like a princess. From that first date, their relationship developed further and their friendship deepened. The only problem was the tiny not-so-insignificant fact that she never gave Miles her heart. She cared for him. Of course she did. He was dear to her. But she had never fallen in love.

  After dating for almost a year, she had finally given him her virginity and soon discovered a deep enjoyment of sex and the abandonment she could achieve in the throes of passion. She was happy to share her body with Miles whilst they were in a relationship. But she had decided that love would never enter into things. Not if she could help it. And that was the one thing she controlled. He was comfortable to be around though, and the sex, although she had nothing else to compare it to, was in her humble opinion, good. Not mind blowing. But good. He was such a good person. Kind hearted and thoughtful and she managed to convince herself for a while that he was what she needed.

  The marriage lasted several years before Miles finally admitted defeat. It was his persistent talk of having babies that eventually drove her into admitting that she could never be who he wanted her to be.

  They had made love and were lying in bed, both sated from their orgasms, and Miles was drawing gentle circles on her tummy.

  Laying his palm flat against her skin he whispered, “I’ll still love you when this gets bigger, you know.”

  Dread washed over her as it did every time he tried to have this conversation. “I’m sorry, what?”

  “When you’re pregnant with my baby and your belly gets all big and bulbous. I think you’ll still look sexy as hell.” He dragged his fingers lazily through the soft, dark curls covering her sex.

  She pulled herself to a sitting position and looked down at him. “Miles…I…I don’t want kids. You know this. We discussed it before we got married and many times since.”

  He narrowed his eyes. “Oh, that? Yeah, but you’ll change your mind. All women do.” He smiled up at her, his green eyes adoringly piercing hers.

  She turned to fully face him. “No…no, Miles you’re wrong. I won’t change my mind. And you’re being very presumptuous and arrogant if you think that I will. I told you my feelings on this, and you said it didn’t matter. You said that as long as you had me… I’m sorry…I just…I don’t want kids.”

  He sat up and took her face in his hands. “You will. One day. I know you will. There’s no rush though.”

  She pulled his hands away as anger rose within her. “Will you listen to me?” She raised her voice. “This is me telling you that I won’t! I. Do. Not. Want. Children.” She spoke slowly and punctuated each word to try and get it through to him.

  “Look, sweetie. We’re good together. We’re a team. We’d be good parents, fantastic parents in fact. Not every relationship ends in disaster you know.”

  She scrunched her brow. “Meaning what?”

  “Meaning that your dad left your mum when you were tiny. I won’t do that. I won’t leave. I’m not your dad and I won’t just disappear without trace. I’m sticking around for the long haul, sweetie. I’m not J—”

  With haste she clambered up from the bed as she seethed and clenched her fists. “Don’t you dare mention his name to me! And I can’t believe you just brought my parents’ relationship into this!”

  Miles frowned and he rubbed at his brow. “Well, that’s what this is about, isn’t it?”

  “No!” She ran her hands through her hair, exhaling loudly and then inhaling the strength to speak her next words. “Miles, I don’t want children. Not with you.”

  His face crumpled with hurt. “What’s that supposed to mean? Not with you?” He mocked her voice as his face reddened. It was evident that her words had cut him and he was getting angry.

  Her voice became a sad whisper. “It means exactly what it sounds like. I care for you deeply. I really do.” She closed her eyes. “But…but I should never have married you.” She opened her eyes and looked directly at him.

  He gaped at her and blinked rapidly. His mouth started to move, opening and closing but no sound came out. This went on for what seemed like five minutes—him just staring and doing a good impression of a fish out of water. Eventually, he made eye contact with her again and his were now glassy. “But the sex…” His words trailed.

  “Yes, the sex is good. We have good sex. And we’re such good friends, but that’s all. And you and I both know that sex isn’t love. We’re like…like friends with benefits. But that’s it. I’m not…in love with you. I never have been. I think deep down you knew that.” She was well aware that her harsh words were stabbing him in the heart, and she felt terrible at her own admission, but it needed to be said. Especially now that babies had been mentioned again. La
st time she had let it slide but now…now it needed dealing with once and for all.

  He silently stood, wiped at his eyes and went to the wardrobe. He pulled down a large duffel bag and began to calmly fold his clothes. He paused momentarily and looked at her. A tear escaped from one eye and trailed down his smooth cheek. “Thank you for being so brutally honest. Thank you for stabbing me in the heart. At least I know where I stand. I’ll go and stay at my mum’s until we decide what to do next.” He clenched his jaw and spoke through gritted teeth. “What he did to you… I hate him for it. I’ve treated you right…always. I would never hurt you like he did, but even after all these years he’s still there, isn’t he? And you…you really are an ice queen, aren’t you?”

  She gasped at his observation, feeling her own stab of pain in the heart. But she didn’t cry. Once he had finished packing, she silently allowed him to leave. After that night, he didn’t return to live with her.

  There were several conversations during the first week where he tried his best to convince her she was wrong, but there were no raised voices. In fact, all in all, it wasn’t a particularly acrimonious break up. It was fairly emotionless on her part. The one thing that had hurt more than anything was that, despite knowing her history, Miles had cruelly called her an ice queen.

  She wasn’t an ice queen.

  She was broken hearted and there was a vast difference. None of what she had done was intentional or premeditated. None of it had been malicious. She had tried to love Miles. He left her alone for a while, but after things had settled down, he had made contact again and asked to take her out for a drink as friends. She wanted to be friends desperately and so she agreed.

  They had a nice evening, but she couldn’t help thinking that this was his way of giving her space without actually giving her space. There were several evenings like this until she finally admitted to herself that this was a ploy to win her back and it wasn’t going to work. It was his way of reminding her why they had been together, how good she’d had it with him. It was a bid at reconciliation on his part but she wanted none of it. Seeing him socially was not a good idea. The main issue being that Miles eventually admitted he was still in love with her and would do anything to get her back.