Reasons to Leave (Reasons #1)

by Lisa J. Hobman

  His smile faded, and he looked very disappointed, rather like a chastised puppy dog. “Oh yes…of course. No worries. I just thought I’d ask.”

  “Well that was very thoughtful, thank you.” She suffered a little stab of guilt for lying. He stood and made his way to the other side of the fire to sit down.

  Dorcas and Harry disappeared through the trees but soon returned, and this time Harry was carrying a set of bongos. They all sat down once again and continued chatting with the students. Dorcas handed out some percussion instruments much to the delight of the eager kids.

  Jason arrived soon after and picked up the guitar that was propped up against the large log at the opposite side of the huddle. Oh my word, he’s going to play. A surge of nervous excitement shot through her at the prospect of seeing him strum his guitar again. He looked so right holding it. Like some kind of rock god with his long hair and muscular arms. And she was eager to hear him sing again. But after he had greeted the group, he nodded to Dorcas as he began to strum the opening chords of something she didn’t recognise. Suddenly, Dorcas began to sing. Her sweet voice carrying through the air and making the teenage boys swoon. Disappointment washed over her as Dorcas sang of wanting what she couldn’t have, and she wondered if Dorcas had chosen the song for Jason. Some of the kids sang along with big smiles on their faces.

  She had a nice voice. But it wasn’t her voice that Stevie wanted to hear, although it was wonderful to see and hear Jason play his guitar again. His sleeves were rolled up, and the tendons in his arms flexed as he played. Why the hell does that do something to me? He was such a talented guitarist, and she had often wondered why he never joined a band when they were younger like many of their school mates had. But then again, he spent most of his time with her so that would explain it.

  A few more well-known songs followed and had the kids clapping and singing along enthusiastically. She turned to find David joining in and singing completely out of tune with a huge grin on his face. She couldn’t help laughing.

  Dorcas then sang a solo again, accompanied by Jason. She smiled longingly at him as she sang the words to “Love Story” by Taylor Swift. Oblivious to the message she was trying to send out, Jason strummed with his eyes closed as the group of teenagers joined in at the chorus. It was a song that she had loved ever since one of the more challenging girls from her year five Chemistry class had wowed the whole school with her rendition at the Christmas concert last year.

  Watching him play made her heart ache. He looked so wonderful immersed in the music with his mouth forming the words silently. She wanted to climb into his lap and kiss that mouth, but she knew that she couldn’t.

  When she had finally given up hope of hearing him sing, he cleared his throat and her heart lurched into her mouth. He looked kind of shy and a little embarrassed as he glanced around the crowd but avoided any eye contact with her.

  He cleared his throat for the second time. “Okay you lot…you’ve heard the talented singer amongst us, but now it’s my turn.” The girls’ eyes lit up and they exchanged wide smiles and excited nudges. “Now judging by the ages of most of you, I’m guessing you’ve probably never heard this song before but bear with me. It’s one of the only ones that I can sing, and I think Dorcas here could do with a rest.” He glanced at her as she touched his arm, smiling warmly.

  Stevie suddenly felt very possessive, and her nostrils flared involuntarily at seeing the intimate exchange.

  “Anyway, this song is from a band who were quite well known back when I was around eighteen. And that’s…oh…ten years ago. I…I learned to play it to impress a girl…” Her heart lurched as the group wolf whistled and giggled at his admission. “Anyway, the original has got a couple of swears in it, so I’m going to perform the toned down version.” The group booed, making Jason chuckle. “So…it’s a song by a band called Staind. This is ‘It’s Been Awhile’. I hope I don’t ruin it too much and that you enjoy my little contribution.”

  Stevie pulled her lips between her teeth, and her eyes began to sting as he began to strum the opening chords.

  She closed her eyes and was transported back in time ten years, to his bedroom floor where she sat as Jason played the song and sang the words to her. In her mind’s eye, she could see the pain etched on his face as his hair flopped over his closed eyes. Now that she knew the hidden meaning behind the lyrics, her heart ached, and she chewed at the inside of her cheek, trying to get hold of her emotions and fend off the threatening tears.

  No one would understand if she got emotional here and now. But the words evoked so much pain that she was sure her eyes would overflow with the salt water desperate for release, regardless of how much she tried to stop it from happening. Why did he choose to sing this tonight? She opened her eyes and was met with the dark gaze of the man she had once loved. She listened and every single word he communicated to her touched her soul. Certain lyrics sent shivers down her spine, and she swallowed hard as she watched his lips form the heart breaking words. As the song ended, he smiled at her but only briefly before closing his eyes and dropping his head. The group erupted with applause and cheers, thankfully oblivious to their exchanged glances.

  ****

  After the campfire sing-along, Jason made his way back to his cabin to mentally prepare himself for Stevie’s visit. Would she come after what he’d done at the campfire? If she did, what would he tell her today? Would he tell her about the warzones in which he’d seen active service? Would he tell her about the dead bodies, the bloodshed, and the screams and cries of the innocent people that plagued his nightmares? He doubted that he could even bring himself to talk about that. Would he tell her about the wealthy businessmen he’d acted as security for after the army? He really didn’t know.

  Should he tell her that he hadn’t loved anyone since her? That all he’d had was loveless sex to release tension and to help him remember what it was like to be held by someone? He doubted that she’d want to hear any of that, even though he was compelled to tell her. And that almost every time he’d fucked a woman, he’d pictured her beneath him in his mind with her hair spread around her on his pillow as she bit on her lip and moaned his name. The times he hadn’t pictured her had been because he was drunk or angry about some shit or other. And he refused to picture fucking her when he was angry. Even the memory of her didn’t deserve that.

  Maybe he should ask more about her? Yes…that made more sense. He knew so little about what she had gone through since he disappeared from her life, without a trace, ten years before. She was married, that much he knew. But were there children? For some reason, the thought of her carrying another man’s child made his insides churn and his heart ache simultaneously. What would he say if she told him she was happy with someone else? Could he bear it?

  He decided that his scratty old lounging pyjama bottoms were the least sexy thing he owned and so he slipped them on with a T-shirt. The last thing he wanted was to give her the wrong impression. Especially since he knew so little about her life right now.

  ****

  Once the students were all settled in their cabins, Stevie sat on her bed contemplating going to go see Jason again. A flutter of excitement danced around her stomach and her heart began to skip. She would ask why he sang that song tonight. She would ask more about his relationship with Dorcas, because in spite of his denial about the matter there certainly looked to be more to it than he was letting on. Certainly on her part. Although Stevie was baffled as to why this bothered her so much.

  When she checked her watch and discovered that it was almost midnight, she slipped on her fleece, grabbed the little torch, and set out for Jason’s cabin. On arrival, she tapped on the door and waited.

  He opened the door with a warm smile. He was dressed in blue, checked pyjama bottoms and a plain blue T-shirt, and she had never seen a more sexy sight. She clenched between her thighs. Dammit.

  “Oh…were you about to go to bed?”

  “No…not at all. Just relaxing. I’ve been
waiting for you, but I wasn’t sure you’d show up. Come on in. The wine’s chilling.”

  She stepped past him to walk into the spacious lounge area. She caught the smell of body wash and cologne as she breezed in. He smelled delicious.

  Calm yourself, Stevie.

  Once inside, he took her fleece and hung it on the coat hooks by a door that she presumed led to the bedroom and bathroom. Sitting on the sofa, she watched him as he stood fidgeting as if unable to settle.

  She hadn’t taken much notice of the cabin on her previous visit, and so she glanced around the space with interest. The interior was whitewashed and there was a large rug in the middle of the lounge area. The kitchen was at the other end in front of the window she had seen him through the night before. A dining table was set in the middle of the floor in front of the kitchen cabinets, and a vase filled with wild flowers was placed in the middle. This little detail made her smile.

  “What’s so funny?” Jason enquired as he eventually handed her a chilled glass of white wine.

  “Nothing. I was just smiling at the fact that you have flowers on your table.”

  “I’m a man who can appreciate the beauty in all things.” He spoke quietly, but didn’t take his eyes off her. She shivered, which seemed to make him frown. “Are you cold? I can light the wood burner if you like.”

  “No, no. I’m fine. This is nice.” She gestured toward her glass.

  “Yes, it’s a Chilean wine. I’ve had it before a couple of times.”

  “When you were entertaining ladies?” She smirked.

  He seemed displeased, almost offended with her question. He pulled his lips into a hard line. “Erm…no. I haven’t had anyone back here in ages, actually. I don’t tend to bring women here. It wouldn’t feel right.”

  “Not even Dorcas?” She tried to smile nonchalantly but had no clue if she was pulling it off.

  His eyes narrowed. “Especially not Dorcas. And I don’t know why you keep pushing that issue when I’ve told you that she’s just my employee. We have a work based relationship and that’s it.” It was clear that the subject was closed.

  She felt a little awkward at the stern tone of voice. He’d thoroughly chastised her, and her cheeks heated as a result. She gazed down at her glass uncomfortably.

  “Why did you play ‘It’s Been Awhile’ tonight, Jason?” She was determined not to show him that he’d affected her in any way with how he’d spoken to her.

  He cleared his throat, just as he had before singing it. “Because it’s the only one I can play well enough to sing along.”

  Oh. That’s disappointing. Silence fell between them until she could stand it no longer.

  She inhaled deeply, beginning to feel impatient. “So what did you want to talk about?”

  “You,” he stated plainly, sitting beside her.

  “Oh. There’s nothing much to tell.” She shrugged.

  “I find that hard to believe.”

  “It’s true. After you disappeared, I spent a long time mourning you. Or rather, mourning the loss of you from my life. I had no clue whether you were alive or dead…so mourning is the only way I can describe what I went through.”

  He nodded and cast his eyes downward. “And when you went to university? Did you meet your husband there?”

  “Yes. It took a while for Miles to convince me to go out with him. Well…Miles and my mum. He wasn’t my type. He wasn’t you…and you were really my only type. You were all I’d known.” The heat rose in her cheeks again, and she was thankful for the subdued lighting.

  He smiled at her words. “Tell me about him.”

  She sighed. “He was a very kind…very intelligent man.”

  He frowned. “Was?”

  “Well, he still is as far as I know, but we split a while ago so…”

  “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Anyway, please go on.”

  “Okay, so he was studying Science too and we ended up in a few classes together. Eventually, I kind of…gravitated toward him I suppose. We went out for a while, and I felt…I don’t know…comfortable. So when university was over, he asked me to marry him, and I said yes.”

  He scratched at the stubble on his chin. “But it doesn’t sound like you were in love with him.”

  She shook her head. “No, I wasn’t. I cared for him. But after you left, I decided I wasn’t going to give my heart so readily again.”

  Jason ran his hand through his shaggy hair and huffed the air from his lungs as if shocked by her words. “I see….so…no children?”

  “Oh, God no!” She cringed.

  He raised his eyebrows and dropped his head. “Right.”

  “The sex was good.” She smiled absentmindedly.

  He snapped his head up. His sad eyes penetrated her soul. “Was he the one? Did he…did he take your virginity?”

  She pulled her brows in. “Not that it’s any of your business, but…yes…he did.”

  His expression changed to one of sadness. “Was he gentle?”

  She nodded.

  “Did he…did he satisfy you?”

  Her nostrils flared now as anger bubbled up at his intrusive questions. “If you mean did he make me come, Jason, then yes. Always. He was a very attentive lover, and he learned my body very well. Satisfied with that answer?” She snorted derisively. She knew her words were cruel, but she had no idea why he needed to get so personal.

  He clenched his jaw and closed his eyes. “It should’ve been me.”

  “Yes, but you weren’t here Jason, and after I waited years for you to come back, I wasn’t about to hang on any longer in case you decided to show up, was I? I had a life to start living.” A sudden pang of regret stabbed her. “But I wanted it to be you too…so much.”

  Jason placed his glass on the table and took hers, doing the same. He moved closer to her on the sofa and lifted his hand to cup her face tenderly. “I wanted it to be me, too.”

  The look of deep sadness in his eyes made her swallow past the lump in her throat and chew the inside of her cheek, doing her best to fend off the tears that were threatening.

  He traced her bottom lip with his thumb. “Let me…now I mean…let me make up for it.”

  Chapter Nine

  Stevie pulled away and scrunched her face angrily. “What? You want sex? Is that why you invited me here? So you could find out what you’ve been missing all these years?”

  He closed his eyes momentarily, but when he opened them again, his eyes were darker. “No, Stevie, it’s not like that. I want to make up for what I spoiled. I want to give that to you, to both of us, that’s all.”

  “So you think you can fuck me and everything will suddenly and miraculously heal inside of me?”

  “No…not at all. You’ve got me all wrong. Please calm down.” He held his hands up in surrender. “Forget I said anything, okay?” A pained expression washed over his handsome features. She’d hurt him. His jaw clenched and unclenched as he turned away from her. He ran both hands through his hair and leaned so that his elbows rested on his knees. His head dropped forward.

  “So…why did you split up? You and…erm…Miles?”

  “He was in love with me. He wanted us to have a family but I didn’t feel the same. And he deserved to be with someone who loved him back. I couldn’t give him what he wanted.” Her lips began to quiver as she thought back to the day when she told Miles it was over. They had just made love, and he’d been talking about babies. He had been so sure she’d change her mind. She had felt so cruel, and he’d called her an ice queen. He accused her of stabbing him in the heart with her words. Thinking back, she realised he wasn’t far off the mark.

  Jason looked up and leaned toward her again. “Hey, I’m sorry. Please don’t get upset. I didn’t mean to pry.”

  “No, it’s fine. I just hate myself for what I put him through. He didn’t deserve that. Looking back now, I see that I should never have married him.”

  “Hindsight is the bomb, eh?”

  She giggled through her tear
s. “The bomb? What are you, fifteen all of a sudden?”

  Jason smiled broadly and slapped his forehead with his palm. “Occupational hazard, working with teenagers.” He smiled widely, and her heart skipped whilst butterflies choreographed a dance routine in her belly. He was always incredibly good looking, and age had just made him more so.

  She plucked up the courage to ask him the burning question. “So what about you? Have you got any serious relationships under your belt?”

  “I’ve had…hmmm…what should I call them that won’t offend you? Encounters? Conquests? Hook ups? I think you get the general picture. Relationships have never been my thing…well…since you that is.”

  She formed her mouth into an O but made no sound to accompany it. She pondered his words for a few seconds. “So, you’ve never been engaged? Married? Anywhere close?”

  He laughed. “Not anywhere remotely close. Close and I weren’t even on the same planet.”

  She joined in his mirth. “That bad, eh?”

  “Oh yeah…that bad.”

  Okay, now I’m intrigued. “How come?”

  He shrugged. “Oh, I don’t know. It may sound stupid, but I think maybe I felt like I would have been unfaithful to you in some bizarre way.”

  She frowned at his admission. “But you had plenty of sex.”

  “Stevie, you said yourself that you slept with Miles but didn’t love him.”

  She folded her arms across her chest. “No, I said I wasn’t in love with him. I cared for him deeply.”

  “Okay…sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. I don’t explain things very well, do I?”

  She softened a little. She had no reason to be offended. “So you haven’t loved anyone since me?”

  “No, I haven’t.”

  They sat silently for a while, sipping their wine. Every so often they glanced at each other but neither spoke. Eventually, she decided to break the next piece of news.

  “So you never knew how you’d done in your finals? You never checked?”

  “No. Once I left, I separated myself from my previous life entirely.”