Reasons to Leave (Reasons #1)

by Lisa J. Hobman

  Her luscious, auburn hair was still long, something he had always loved about her. And her azure blue eyes still had a sparkle, albeit a little duller than before—he blamed himself for that.

  Her nakedness and vulnerability had suddenly floored him. As he knelt before her and looked up at her earlier, every single feeling he once had for her came flooding back to him. His heart ached and his breath hitched as myriad emotions vied for the surface at once. He’d never cried in front of a woman before, that’s for certain. But kneeling there before her, he had been racked with sadness and a kind of grief for the lost years. Years he should have been worshipping her but instead he’d been fighting for his country, acting as security abroad, or running an Outward Bounds centre for teens. He couldn’t regret the things he had done during their time spent apart, but he could regret the fact that they were apart.

  She stirred beside him, and he reached down and kissed her head. Her eyes fluttered open and she stretched, brushing her breasts again him. His manhood began to waken, and feeling rather ashamed of the automatic reaction of his body to hers, he pulled the sheet over himself.

  She ran her hand over his chest. “Hmmm…what time is it?”

  “Just after two.”

  She sat bolt upright, fully exposing her breasts in the process. “Oh shit! I need to go.”

  He smiled as he reached up to stroke a finger down the curve that he had been worshipping only an hour or so before.

  She slapped his hand away. “Hey, hands off ma goods, Reynolds.”

  “Awww…but they’re so touchable.”

  She fell silent and picked invisible lint from the sheet. He could tell she was feeling awkward, so he tenderly stroked her cheek. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

  “I’m…I’m just not sure that this was a good idea. I mean…what happens now? I think we both need to get real here and realise that—”

  “Hey, hey… Will you just stop analysing, please?” He pulled himself upright to face her. His heart had begun to pound in his chest.

  She sighed. “But we need to be clear with each other about where this is going.”

  He pulled his lips in for a moment and closed his eyes, dreading the answer to his next question. “Stevie, are you regretting what we did last night?”

  After a pause she answered in a low voice. “I…I don’t know what to say.”

  He dropped his head forward onto her shoulder. “Well, I think if your immediate answer isn’t, No Jason, of course I don’t regret it, then we have a problem.” He turned and placed his feet on the floor, suddenly feeling like he’d made a colossal mistake. “I don’t regret a single thing about it.”

  She reached over and stroked a hand down the muscles of his bare back. “Look, don’t misunderstand me, Jason…you were amazing…us together? Mind-blowing. But—”

  He stood and grabbed his boxers from the floor, stepping into them quickly and placing his hands on his hips. “Okay. Just stop. I get it. It was just sex to you. You’ve treated me like a fuck buddy. I get it. I just thought—”

  “What?” she shouted. “How dare you accuse me of such a tacky thing? And for your information, unlike you, I’ve never had fuck buddies, you complete arsehole!”

  He was breathing rapidly now as anger fought its way to the surface to replace the sadness he had experienced moments earlier. “Well, what did you have? Did they have a fancy name simply because they were having sex with queen fucking Stevie?” he shouted back, but immediately regretted the harshness of his words.

  He watched as she silently gathered her clothes and dressed herself. Her face impassive although an errant tear betrayed her calm exterior as it slipped silently down her cheek. He ran his hands over his face. “Stevie, please stop… I didn’t mean—”

  “Jason.” She cut off his apology. Holding her hand up, she closed her eyes. “It’s done. Now we both know what we’ve been missing all these years. Let’s leave it at that.”

  A lump lodged in his throat. “Is that it? We know what we’ve been missing? Is that all it meant to you?”

  She turned, fully dressed, to face him. “Don’t pretend to be all sentimental now. Especially after how you’ve been acting since I got here. You’ve had plenty of meaningless sex. And you left me, remember? Knowing your reasons only fills in the gaps and helps me to understand why. It doesn’t change what you did. And sex with you doesn’t suddenly heal all of the wounds you left me with. I wish it did. I’d hoped that it would. But at the end of this week, I go back to London and you stay here. And as much as I cared about you and about what we had back then, I think a ten hour or more journey every time one of us is feeling horny is just a little much, don’t you?” She wiped away another tear that had fallen.

  His eyes stung and his heart ached. He’d lost her. He’d been subconsciously trying to push her away since she arrived. She was right about his behaviour, but now that he’d decided to stop doing that, he’d succeeded by doing the opposite. He pinched the bridge of his nose. Leaving her all those years ago had somehow suspended their relationship in time for him. He’d left her physically, but emotionally she was still there in his mind and heart. She was still his…until now.

  He wouldn’t let her go without a fight though. He had already decided that. He stalked around the bed and grabbed her. “Hey, before you walk out you need to know that this wasn’t just sex to me. Okay, I know I’ve been an arrogant arsehole since you arrived, and I don’t have excuses for that… I think it was some kind of…defence mechanism, but this…this was so much more than just a fuck. Why did you think I wanted you to keep your eyes on me? I needed you to see me. Really see me. I have never felt a connection like that with anyone…ever. You want to walk out on me this time? Go ahead. But you’ll be making one mother of a mistake, and I think deep down you know that too.”

  She inhaled sharply as he held her eyes with as much intensity as he could muster.

  “I have to go,” she said blankly, pulling herself from his grip.

  He slumped onto the edge of his bed with his head in his hands as the door closed behind her.

  Chapter Eleven

  Day Four Of Hell

  Stevie awoke around seven after only having a few hours of restless sleep. She had cried for a while when she’d crawled into bed. The urge to run back to Jason and hold him had almost overtaken her, but self-preservation had kicked in just in time. She couldn’t give her heart to him again. Admittedly, he had most of it in tiny little pieces under his feet, but the little she still had that remained intact was something she was determined to keep hold of.

  She had lied to Jason about the sex. Okay, so she hadn’t come right out and said the words, but a lie by omission is a lie nonetheless. She had hinted that it had been something she did to find out what she had been missing all these years. That it was meaningless sex. Stupid, stupid Stevie. It hadn’t been just sex. It was in no way something she did as some twisted research mission, and she knew she had been very cruel to imply that it was.

  Replaying her own words in her mind had made her feel nauseated. She wished she could somehow suck the words back in or go back in time and unsay them. But as Jason had said only yesterday, “Hindsight is the bomb.” And now she had to go kayaking and face him. She thought about feigning a migraine, but she couldn’t do that to the kids. It wouldn’t be fair.

  Her phone rang. How come the bloody signal was so good out here in the middle of nowhere? Was there no peace to be had?

  She picked it up and hit the answer button. “Hi, Mum. You’re up early.”

  “Stevie? What’s wrong? You sound…strange.” So very perceptive.

  “No. I’m fine. I’ve just woken up.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, Mum. I was there when it happened.” Her sarcasm was the one thing Dana usually complained about, but not today.

  “Okay. Well, I just wanted to check on you. What are you up to today?”

  “I have the joys of kayaking.” Her voice was devoid of enthus
iasm but not for the reason her mother would no doubt presume.

  “Oh dear. Not your kind of thing, is it, sweetie? Well, chin up. It’s only for a few more days. Speak soon. Bye, love.”

  She frowned. “Bye, Mum.” Her mother’s calls this week were very brief. She wondered why this couldn’t be the usual case instead of the hour long chats where Dana told her how much she worried about her. She loved her mother dearly, but her overbearing nature had worsened significantly since Jason’s disappearance and then compounded after Dana’s diagnosis of a lifelong medical condition had shaken their very foundations. Yet another heartache and worry Stevie could’ve done without.

  After showering, she dried, pulled her hair up into a scruffy bun, and pulled on a pair of cargo pants with a long sleeved T-shirt. The telltale signs of tears shed were all over her face, but she slipped her shades on and hoped that kayaking was an activity that could be done whilst wearing them.

  The kids were all in the main hut eating breakfast when she arrived. Her heart almost stopped when she looked directly into Jason’s sad brown eyes. Oh God, no. He didn’t smile. He simply looked away and her heart sank. She was suddenly overcome with the urge to talk to him—to clear the air and come clean about her lies. She acted before the other half of her brain kicked into gear and stopped her in her tracks. He was chatting to Dorcas, who was positively hanging on his every word.

  Good grief, pick your tongue up, dippy Dorcas.

  She smiled sweetly at the doe-eyed young woman and tapped Jason on the shoulder. “Excuse me… Mr. Reynolds, could I…erm…talk to you for a minute please?”

  He frowned. “Oh…I’m sorry, Mrs. Norton, I’m a little busy at the moment going through the schedule. Can it wait?” His icy tone almost cut through her flesh like a dagger.

  She winced, hoping she had done so internally. “Actually no. It’s a matter of urgency. There’s an issue. It’s to do with the…erm…lifejackets.”

  Dorcas’ eyes widened. Whoops.

  Jason was clearly unimpressed with her and his nostrils flared. “Okay, Mrs. Norton, lead the way, if it’s urgent.” His teeth were clenched and the way he’d said Mrs. sent an eerie shiver down her spine.

  He took her elbow tightly, digging his fingers into her flesh until it hurt, his anger clearly evident in his flushed face. He led her outside, away from the main hut and continued to walk hurriedly with her. They moved further away from prying eyes, but now he was almost dragging her. She realised he was heading for her cabin. Shit! He waited whilst she tried to unlock the door, glaring at her all the while. When she couldn’t get the key in the lock through shaking, he snatched it from her and unlocked it himself. He pulled her inside and slammed the door behind them, making the whole cabin vibrate.

  “Jason, what if people saw—”

  He grabbed her and pushed her against the wall, pressing himself into her and sealing his mouth over hers. She struggled at first, feeling a little taken aback by his aggression. But then she melted into the kiss as his tongue danced around her mouth, sending those little electric shocks to the junction of her thighs.

  He stopped abruptly. “Don’t ever fucking show me up in front of my staff again, Stevie.” He growled, his eyes blazing.

  She frowned. “But I didn’t… What do you mean?”

  “You pretty much called into question the safety of my fucking lifejackets in front of little Miss Health and fucking Safety. Do you know how much shit you’ve caused me now?” He ran his hand over his hair, smoothing back a few strands that had escaped the plain black hair tie securing it at the nape of his rather delicious neck.

  “I’m sorry…I—”

  “Oh, you’re sorry? Well that makes everything fucking better then.”

  She had never seen him look so angry. “Please stop swearing at me. I just needed to talk to you. I needed—”

  “Well if you needed something, sweetheart, here I am. Take what it is you need.” He stepped back and held his arms out to his sides and nodded toward his groin. “It’s all about you in this life after all. What do you need? An orgasm maybe? A quick fuck to see you through the day? Can’t get enough of me?” He snorted but his smile was more like a menacing grimace. He was back to the arrogant pig of a few days ago.

  She stepped sideways in a bid to get away from him. Who the hell is he? “Forget it. I’m not talking to you when you’re behaving like this. This is not you.” Her voice wavered.

  “Oh but it is, sweetheart. This is the real me. The prissy fucking wimp died ten years ago. You’re looking at a real man now, Stevie.”

  Tears stung her eyes, and her lips began to tremble at his disturbing manner. “Well in that case, you need to leave. You’re clearly not who I thought you were. I’m done talking now.”

  He walked toward her again. “What, no more talk of lifejackets, eh? Even if that was just a ruse to get me alone. Don’t think I don’t know that. I figured you out straight away.”

  “My God, you’ve reverted back to the cold, arrogant arsehole that I met when I arrived. What happened?” She gave him an incredulous look.

  He clenched his jaw and leaned in so that his nose was almost touching hers. He pointed his index finger in her face. “You happened. You turned up out of the fucking blue and made me remember. Made me fucking feel. And for what? You gave me the one thing I’ve craved for ten years, and then told me it was nothing to you. So that’s it…you happened.”

  She realised she was still backed up against the wall. A million different thoughts seemed to be flying through her mind. Maybe she should scream to get someone’s attention. She opened her mouth, but couldn’t form the sound with his body pressed so close to hers. She closed her eyes and his rapid breathing heated her face, his heart pounded against her own.

  “Jason…please…it…it wasn’t nothing…that’s what I wanted to say to you… It was so much more than nothing…but now…now I think you just need to go.”

  Jason chuckled darkly again. “You really are a prick tease, aren’t you? Little Miss Fucking Prim and Proper.” His fist slammed into the wall beside her. “You’re so damned frustrating!”

  Her eyes snapped open to see the fire in his. “Yeah? Well I guess we know now whose blood you have flowing through your veins, don’t we?” She immediately regretted her words.

  He staggered backward as if she had punched him in the guts. His eyes were wide and his mouth hung open in disbelief. “I’m…I’m nothing like him… How could you even think that? Let alone speak the fucking words to me? That was a fucking low and painful blow, but at least now I know how you really feel.” Pain and anguish glowed vividly in his eyes just before he turned away.

  She covered her mouth with shaking hands. “I’m…I didn’t mean it… You were intimidating me, Jason—”

  Before she could get him to calm down and listen, he pulled the handle and walked out of the door, leaving it wide open. Her chest heaved, and she was suddenly terrified. What had she done? No matter what he’d said to her, that was the cruellest blow she could have possibly struck. Comparing him to his abusive father was the worst thing to do, and she felt disgusted with her behaviour.

  Once her legs regained the ability to function and her brain was once more engaged, she ran after him but he was nowhere to be seen. Panic ripped through her as she ran to the main hut. The kids weren’t there and neither was David. She ran out and back to the main clearing and found the bus.

  “Oh there you are, Mrs. Norton. Where’ve you been? Mr. Reynolds can’t make the trip now, so we’ve got Harry instead. He’s a qualified instructor, so it’s fine. Dorcas said you were worried about the lifejackets, but I said it was probably just nerves…you know with you being a bit new to all this outdoors stuff. Anyway, come on, hop in the bus. We can go now that you’re here.”

  David’s words went in one ear and out the other. “Oh… David, I’m sorry but I need to speak to Mr. Reynolds very quickly. Do you know where I can find him?”

  David leaned in and whispered hars
hly, “Mrs. Norton, do I need to remind you that we are here on school business? I think your…whatever it is…with Mr. Reynolds will have to wait. Don’t you?”

  She stared at him, ready to retaliate but clamped her mouth shut. Whatever she said now would only make things worse. And he was actually quite right.

  Reluctantly, she boarded the bus, not remembering if she had even closed her cabin door, never mind locked it. Her personal belongings were in there, but she was past caring. She stared out the window as they made the twenty-minute coach journey to their destination.

  The Cairngorms National Park was a truly magnificent place. The colours were so vivid. The verdant green of the trees was a striking contrast to the cornflower-blue sky overhead. She could honestly now see the attraction to the place, miles from anywhere but so beautiful in all its Scottish splendour.

  The bus and its passengers arrived in the car park at Loch Morlich. Once they had all climbed down and walked through the trees toward the shore of the loch, she paused and looked out at the still water with its mountain backdrop. Her breath caught in her throat as she took in the colours and smells of this most stunning location. The water idled lazily toward the shore, lapping at the shingles as the kids chased around and splashed each other. She inhaled deeply and closed her eyes, listening to the wind as it gently rustled through the lush green giants surrounding her. Yes, she could definitely see the attraction of being here. Suddenly, she thought of Jason.

  Oh God, please let him be okay. And please let him forgive my cruel stupidity.

  The kayaks were laid neatly by the water’s edge in all their gregarious yellow glory, being checked by Harry. He delivered the safety instructions to the students with great competence. Each was issued with a lifejacket and helmet. The kayaks were allocated, too. She had been informed she could sit it out if she’d preferred, but she’d decided that it would take her mind off things and pulled on her lifejacket and helmet, ready to face another new challenge. David seemed impressed.