Reasons to Leave (Reasons #1)

by Lisa J. Hobman

  She gave him a snide look. “Whatever, Reynolds. Stop stalling and spill it.”

  “Okay…at first…I used to get called Rhino. You know cause it kind of sounded like Reynolds, and it was supposed to be ironic on account of the fact that although I was quite buff I was still the smallest and skinniest bloke in my unit.”

  “Ooookay…and then?” She bit her lip, eagerly awaiting the thing she could tease him with from now on.

  He twisted so that he could point to the scar on his side that had fascinated her earlier. “See this scar?”

  “Oh yes, I was going to ask about that.”

  “Yeah…well…I was out in the Middle East. I was on patrol when I got hit by a stray bullet. Fucking hurt like hell. Cracked my ribs but missed all the vital stuff, thank God.” He stopped.

  “And?”

  He covered his eyes again. “Oh fuck, I’ll never live this thing down.” He huffed. “After that happened… When I was back out there again… After I’d recovered…which took—”

  “Get on with the story, Reynolds. I want the meaty bit!”

  “J.R.”

  “What?”

  “I got called J.R. It became a huge standing joke about the fact that I got shot…and my initials…you know.”

  She burst into laughter and rolled onto her back. Tears streamed down her face.

  Jason began to laugh too. “It’s still a mystery today, you know, who actually shot me, just like the bloody T.V. show. I only ever saw Dallas re-runs, but thanks to that lot I’ll never forget it! Someone even bought me a cowboy hat and cigar for my birthday.” He laughed louder at the memory.

  She rolled on the blanket so that she was leaning on his chest. Once their laughter had subsided, she spoke again. “I’m glad it wasn’t serious…your bullet wound, I mean. The scar’s quite sexy.” She traced the line of it with her fingers.

  She propped her chin on her hand so that she could look at his face. He lay there with his eyes closed for a while. “The first day I saw you…before I knew it was you—”

  “When you were ogling me through the trees? Yes, I remember.”

  She slapped his chest without any real force. “When I saw you I noticed the tattoo on your back that looks like script. What does it say?”

  “Ah that…I had it done when I was out in the Middle East.” His cheeks coloured and he swallowed. “It’s Arabic, but it roughly translates as Never alone with you in my heart. It was important to me to get it done at the time. For the first time, I was beginning to feel a kind of healing…you know…from everything that happened at home. But it was lonely. I’d sit and look up at the night sky and millions of stars were visible. I used to wonder if you were looking up at the same constellations. I’d left you, but I never forgot. I had my memories and even though it was very painful to think about you, I didn’t feel quite so alone when I did.”

  Tears stung her eyes. “You had it done for me?”

  He smiled. “Well, I had it done for me. But it was all about you.”

  Pulling her brow into a frown, she tilted her head to one side. “But why have it done where you couldn’t see it?”

  He smiled again and dropped his gaze. “You’ll think I’m silly.”

  “No…no I won’t.”

  He sighed. “I had it done there so that I couldn’t see it. Like I couldn’t see you. But I knew it was there, and I knew what it stood for. And each time I caught sight of it, I was reminded of you.”

  A tear escaped and trailed down her cheek. “That’s the saddest and most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.”

  Silence ensued for a few minutes until Jason spoke. “I don’t usually tell people what it means.”

  She pulled herself up to sitting. “What do you say if they ask?”

  “I usually spout off some crap about fighting for my country…or my favourite one is to tell them it’s a grocery list.” He grinned and sat up.

  “And do they buy that?”

  “The groceries? Only if I write the list on paper for them. But it has had quite a high success rate, yes.” His laugh was such a warm, beautiful sound.

  She shook her head and pursed her lips at him. “Nutter.”

  “Why thank you, Miss Watts.” His expression changed, his smile disappeared, and he closed his eyes. “I mean Mrs. Norton.”

  “I’ve been thinking about going back to my maiden name, actually.”

  “Yeah? I think you should. I feel like I’m having some kind of illicit affair with a married woman.”

  She giggled. “Tell me more about what happened to you when you left.”

  “Well, I got on a train…went north to an army base in Cumbria. I’d already set the wheels in motion so they were expecting me.”

  “How long had you been planning it?”

  He lowered his gaze. “Remember that day I played ‘It’s Been Awhile’ for you on my guitar?”

  She remembered it vividly. She had always felt there was some hidden meaning in that song just for her. Hearing it again over the last few days had been painful. She nodded, feeling a stinging at the back of her eyes. “I can’t listen to that song to this day. When you played it the other night, it really upset me.”

  His glanced up at her again. “That was the day I’d been told I was accepted.”

  “But I thought you had to have medicals, interviews and such.”

  “Yes, you do. Remember when I said I was going to see my Aunt Celia in North Yorkshire?”

  “Yes, I do remember. I missed you like mad.”

  “Well, I actually went away for a two day assessment.”

  “Shit. Really? But didn’t your mum or dad check up on you?”

  “Funnily enough on that occasion, no. She has no telephone, and I purposefully didn’t take a mobile phone with me, so I just rang them from a payphone. They bought it hook, line, and sinker.”

  “I bet you were relieved.”

  “Absolutely. Anyway, then I trained up in Cumbria for twenty-six or so weeks. It was pretty gruelling, but I actually enjoyed it. Met some great blokes up there.”

  “What did you train as? Aren’t there…you know…different roles in the armed forces?”

  “Yeah, I was an infantry soldier. I wanted to be right in the thick of it all. And I certainly got my wish. At the end of training, I was deployed to the front line.”

  “Bloody hell. That quick?”

  “Yeah, but after all the training, you’re totally prepared. It’s what every soldier’s working towards, after all. It’s the whole point.”

  “Was it frightening being out there and fighting?”

  “Absolutely. I saw things that…” He inhaled deeply. “Let’s just say it made me rethink my life in general. I had a shitty childhood, but there are kids that have it so much worse.”

  She looked down at her hands, unable to make eye contact for her next question. “How many men did you kill?”

  “That’s not something I think about. I wasn’t keeping score. I can’t think about it. I’d never be able to live with myself if I did.” He closed his eyes and dropped his head forward again. It was clearly a difficult subject for him.

  “When did you leave?” She was aware she was interrogating him, but she needed to know, and whilst he was talking she kept going.

  “I left the army when I was twenty-three after being in for just over four years.”

  “But you weren’t a soldier for very long. You left home to join up. Why did you leave?”

  “Ahhh…it felt like being a soldier was the answer. And it was at first. But it ended up being a short-term solution for a long-term problem. I knew I needed more, but I just didn’t know what that was… Lots of my friends met girls and did the whole marriage and kids thing, but I just didn’t know what to do with my life after I signed off. So I signed up with a private company and worked as paid security out in the Middle East for a couple of years, which paid well.”

  “What did that involve?”

  “It was…varied. I protecte
d an oil baron mainly. He’d had death threats, and I was assigned to ensure his safety. Another time, I worked with some visiting politicians out in Saudi. I was with a team, and we were responsible for protecting them during their visit. It was dangerous work, but the money was well in excess of anything else I could’ve earned.”

  “Is that what enabled you to buy this place?”

  “Yeah…well, with a little help from the nice bank manager. I was a partner for the first year, but Dougie, the owner at the time, took me under his wing. Bless him. Turned out he was ex-army too. In the end, he sold it to me cheap…very cheap. His health was failing. He was a really nice guy. Died last year. He was like a dad…a real dad.”

  She could see the raw emotion bubbling to the surface and reached out to touch his arm. “Oh, Jason, I’m so sorry.”

  He shrugged. “Yeah, me too.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  The sun was still high in the sky in the late afternoon as Stevie and Jason ate crisps and dips and drank their wine from little tin cups.

  Feeling completely contented, she sighed. “Hmmm, this really takes me back to when we used to sit by the river back home. I used to love those times.”

  “Me too. I was only thinking about us by the river today. That’s what gave me the idea to bring you here. I had so many photos of you that I took at our special place.”

  She pulled her brows into a frown. “Had? Don’t you have them anymore?”

  He shook his head, a look of sadness played on his features. “I do regret it, but I…I left them behind at home. I couldn’t bear the thought of looking at you so happy when I knew that I’d broken your heart.”

  Her smile slipped away. “You did break my heart. I can’t deny that. But at least I know why now.” She leaned over and kissed his forehead.

  He slipped his hand into her hair and pulled her closer. “Come on…let’s go back… I really want to make love to you again, and I’m not sure it’d be a good idea to let that happen out here.” His gaze scorched her already warm skin, and his words made her ache for him.

  She fought the feelings he was stirring and almost whined at him. “But it’s so lovely out here.”

  He feigned shock and gasped. “Since when did you become an exhibitionist Miss Wat…Mrs. Norton?”

  She giggled. “I’m not an exhibitionist. I didn’t mean I wanted to have outdoor sex. I just meant it’s so beautiful here… It’s a shame to go in.”

  He folded his arms and pursed his lips playfully. “Well okay, let me give you a choice then. You either come back with me now or you become very much accustomed to outdoor sex and exhibitionism because I’m making love to you regardless. Although I’m guessing the kids will be back soon, and I’m not sure that being found in flagrante is such a good career move for such a talented Science teacher.” He winked. “So what’ll it be?”

  “But the picnic—”

  “We’ll leave it for the ants. Come on.” He grabbed her hand and pulled her to stand in front of him. He tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “I want you, Stevie. I have no idea how many more times I’ll have this opportunity to be with you so…please?”

  She touched his cheek and nodded. After all, she didn’t really need convincing to get naked with this fine specimen of a man. She wasn’t completely crazy. She reached up to kiss him lightly as a sudden sadness washed over her. He took her hand, and they walked silently through the long grass and wild flowers, through the gap in the trees and back to the cabin.

  An hour later and completely sated once again, they held each other in their post orgasmic haze in the kitchen where they had devoured each other on the counter top. She could feel his rapid heartbeat against her ribs. It was in perfect synchronicity with hers.

  Jason peppered light kisses on her cheeks and neck. Once again she rifled through her mind desperately trying to figure out a way to be with him after this short break but no solution presented itself. There was no compromise available to them that she could come up with.

  The scent of his skin enveloped her just like his warm embrace, and she sighed as sadness began to weigh heavy on her once more. If only it was just lust, something to experience and get out of her system. But once again, as his body heat seeped into her, she was reminded that this was definitely more than just sex. She knew that her heart was slipping away and the tentative hold she currently had on it was failing fast.

  “Hmmm, I could get used to this,” he murmured into her neck.

  She didn’t speak. The lump in her throat and the sated fog in her head making it impossible to produce a coherent thought, never mind a whole sentence.

  Jason must have sensed her reluctance to speak as he pulled away from her, cupping her cheek. “Hey, what’s wrong, sweetheart? You’ve gone quiet…did you…wasn’t it good…did you not…” Whoops, the inability to make sense appeared to be contagious.

  She shook her head. “No…I mean yes it was good…I’m just…I don’t know.” She dropped her gaze.

  “Come on, if you have something to say, just say it. We need to be honest with each other if we’re going to make this work.”

  There he goes again talking about making it work! She let out an exasperated sigh. “Make this work? But I’m only here for another two days after today, and one of those is meant for travelling. We’re not permanent, Jason.” Her voice wavered.

  He huffed out a long breath and rested his head on her shoulder. “And here we go with the talk I suppose.”

  “I just think there are still things that need to be said. We seem to have fallen back into a relationship, which is crazy considering we live in two completely different worlds. And as much as I want to live for the moment, in the end, I’ll still be going home.”

  He placed his hands on her shoulders. “What if there was a way to get around it all though? Long distance relationships—”

  “Don’t work. Let’s not fool ourselves,” she interrupted harshly.

  “We could make it work. I know we could figure things out.”

  “For how long? What happens when one of us needs the other and there are hundreds of miles separating us? What then?”

  He took her face in his hands suddenly. “Stay.”

  She widened her eyes. “What?”

  “Stay with me, Stevie. Stay here.” The urgency in his voice made her heart ache.

  She placed her hands over his and removed them from her face. “Don’t be ridiculous, Jason. My life is in London. I have a job…a home…a dog.”

  “Get another job…up here. We do have high schools you know. Dogs love it up here too. The outdoors and fresh air are exactly what they need.” He seemed excited at the prospect. The conversation was crazy.

  “Come on, in reality we’ve known each other four or five days. I can’t move this far north on a complete whim.”

  He frowned. “What? We’ve known each other our whole lives.”

  She placed her hand on his chest. “If that were true, things would be very different. But…you left.” She spoke softly, not wishing to sound accusatory.

  “But I don’t want to be without you,” he whispered as if speaking normally would break him. “I’ve waited for this for ten years. I…I just didn’t realise I was waiting. Ten years I’ve been lost. But now I know where my place is.” He placed his hand over her heart. “I know where I belong, and that’s inside you. Body, mind and soul.”

  She closed her eyes momentarily, trying to summon up the strength to continue letting him down. Thoughts of her mother struggling alone helped forge the much-needed will within her. “No, Jason, it’s not that simple. I could ask you to come back to London, but I won’t because I know that you wouldn’t come. This…what we’ve had here…has been like a holiday romance. Maybe we just need to treat it as such.”

  He stepped away, shook his head, and closed his eyes. “You don’t mean that.”

  “Yes…I do,” she lied.

  She jumped down from the counter top and gathered her discarded items
of clothing, putting them on as she moved around the room until she was fully clothed again. The familiar stinging sensation needled at her eyes once more, meaning she daren’t look at him.

  He disappeared to his room and returned wearing his shorts. She allowed her gaze to trail the length of his body, taking in his thick arms and solid thighs. The ridges of his tight abs and sculpted, tattooed chest, and up until she met his eyes where her own sadness was reflected back at her. Although his body and mind had changed almost beyond recognition, his eyes still portrayed every single emotion he was feeling. Her lip trembled and her stomach knotted. How she was going to walk away after this she really didn’t know. How she would carry on her life as normal she had absolutely no clue. What life would be like knowing he was here and she couldn’t be with him would tear her apart.

  As she stared at him he swallowed hard, ran his hands through his hair, and rested them on his head. “So you’ll leave and I’ll stay here and we’ll pretend that this never happened?” His voice was breaking, making the water in her eyes blur her vision.

  “I think it’s for the best, don’t you?” she whispered.

  He dropped his hands and held them out to her. “No, Stevie.” He had that urgent, desperate look in his eyes again as he stepped toward her. “I think you’re scared. And I get that. It’s all happened so quickly. And when you showed up here I…I was shocked. I was an arse and I’m so sorry. And I think you’re scared that I’ll run away again. But I wouldn’t do that. Things have changed.”

  She sighed heavily. “Yes, they have. And I have too.”

  His nostrils flared as he kept his intense gaze fixed on her. “But, but there’s no reason it couldn’t work long distance. Not if we want it to.”

  “Look, Jason there are so many reasons why this wouldn’t work. And at the top of the list are the two most important things. One, trust. How can we build that with hundreds of miles between us? And two, I don’t want a long distance relationship. I want to be with someone I can see, hold, touch, and kiss, make love to whenever I want or need them.”

  He looked stunned. Like a rabbit in the headlights. His shoulders sagged as he appeared to succumb to defeat. He didn’t speak and so she took that as her cue to leave. She opened the door and walked out of the cabin without looking back.