Here's Looking For You, Grim (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 3)

by Robert P. Wills

  “Her clothes are all wet and everyone will know where you had been.”

  Liverioso, engrossed with his story, didn’t even acknowledge Chéri. “I’m worried that her clothes are wet and everyone’ll know where we have been. So I tell her. And she says to not worry about it.”

  “The ever calm female.”

  “But I’m panicked because we have to go back for the full rehearsal later that day and I know her clothes won’t be dry by then, and if she changes, then everyone will notice. So I tell her that.”

  “What did she say?” Chéri stopped eating as well as Liverioso became more and more agitated as he retold his tale.

  “She said her clothes weren’t going to get wet. And neither would mine.”

  “Oh my.” Chéri picked up a roll and poked a piece of steak into it.

  “And that’s when I noticed her dress was laid over the side of the cistern, nice and dry. And she asks me what I was going to do about it.”

  “And being the sex-addled youngster you were...” Coaxed Chéri with a laugh.

  “Well, right, I took my clothes off and jumped right in with her.” He feigned offence. “Anything else would have been rude. I mean, what’s a guy to do?”

  Chéri took a drink of her mead. “What indeed?”

  “Well, one thing led to another and the next thing we know.” He blushed.

  “In the Magician’s Guild water tower?”

  “No, no. The next... well, yes, that was happening, and the next thing we know, there are two really angry Magicians standing at the top of the ladder looking down at us. Really angry Magicians.”

  “Oh dear.” Chéri couldn’t help but giggle. “The scandal!”

  “Well, they weren’t laughing and neither were our parents when we were dragged back to the wedding glen, wet clothes stuck to us because they didn’t let us dry off.”

  Chéri giggled again. “I’m sorry.” She took another drink. “So your parents were upset?”

  “They forbade us from ever seeing each other again.” He raised his hands plaintively. “Even though we lived in separate towns. I have to tell you, that was like throwing alcohol on a flame.”

  “I never understood why parents did things like that. You’d think they hadn’t read any literature at all.” Chéri took a bite of the roll. Love story or not, the meal was getting cold.

  “So over the course of the next five years...”

  Chéri almost choked on her bite of bread and steak. “Five years?”

  “Well, we were planning on getting married and she was going to move to Hot Rocks.”

  “Wait, she lived in Cool Springs and you lived in Hot Rocks?”

  “I didn’t name the towns,” Liverioso said defensively. “Blame the Cartographer’s Guild.[27]” He too, took a bite of steak. After swallowing, he continued: “So one evening, Sage was watching her sister’s kid, who’s about five at this point.” He thought for a moment. “I can’t remember his name because I never went by there.”

  “Secret encounters.”

  Liverioso nodded. “Secret encounters. But one evening she was watching their son and then the next morning she was gone. No letter, no note. Nothing.” Tears developed in his eyes.

  “Did you ask her family?”

  “How could I? We weren’t supposed to be seeing each other.” He picked up his fork and jabbed it into his steak. He roughly cut off a corner and put it in his mouth.

  “Maybe she found...” Began Chéri.

  Liverioso slammed his fork and knife down on the table harshly. Several nearby patrons looked over. “THAT did not happen.” He pointed an angry finger at her. “Not Sage. Not to me.” The tears overflowed and began to run down his cheeks. “She was my world. I died that day!”

  Chéri sat back in her chair. “I’m sorry Liverioso. Really I am.” She put down her fork and knife. Patrons were still watching the pair. “I know what it’s like to be caught up in a love affair that is difficult because you can’t let either family know it’s going on.”

  “How could you...” Began Liverioso, a little louder, and a little angrier than he should have.

  “I’m in love with a Halfling. He’s part of the invasion. It’s hard to bring a Halfling home to your parents. ‘Hey parents, this here is my marauding mate. He’s going to burn the town to the ground as part of the invasion, but I love him’. That’s not going to go over well at all.” She leaned forward and lowered her voice, hoping he would follow suit. “And as a Halfling, he can’t very well bring home a Gnomess...”

  “But you’re an assassin,” interrupted Liverioso. Quieter this time.

  “A Gnomess first, an assassin second. And overall, not a Halfling.” She shook her head. “No, I understand how you feel, but,” she reached out her hand. “Didn’t you even try to find her?”

  He picked up his fork and knife and cut a piece of meat. “Where would I even start? She just disappeared. And that was three years ago.”

  Chéri sighed. “Well, I can put the word out; see if anyone in the Assassin Guild knows something.”

  “That doesn’t sound like news I’d want to hear.”

  Chéri shook her head, “No, no. We’ve got assassins all over working all sorts of jobs. Someone in a town might have seen her. Plus, we don’t just kill people you know.”

  “The Assassin’s Guild?”

  Chéri waved her knife. “Well, mainly we do, sure. But we also do snatch and grabs rescuing people who have been kidnapped, and we help locate people who don’t want to be found.”

  “A full service Guild.”

  “Well, we do tend to kill kidnappers, and those people we help locate who don’t want to be found?”

  “You kill them?”

  “No. Well, the people looking for them sometimes do, we don’t.” She smiled. “But sometimes it’s parents looking for a wayward child. Those we just snatch and bring back. See? Helpful.”

  Liverioso put a piece of meat in his mouth and took a bite of bread- he was avoiding any more of the salad.

  “You going to eat that?” Chéri pointed at his salad. Hers was gone already.

  He shook his head. “Rabbit food. I’d rather just eat the rabbit.”

  Chéri slid the salad across the table. “I’ll take care of it for you. If you want more steak, I’m done with that.”

  “Well, I’ll take care of that for you.” He said as he took her plate and slid the steak onto the remnants of his. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had a decent meal.”

  “You know, I hate asking because of how things are going, but have you noticed that you haven’t lisped at all since you started talking about Sage?”

  Liverioso sighed. “It started once I lotht her.” His eyes got large. “Well, damn.”

  “I shouldn’t have mentioned it, sorry.”

  “Could be worse.”

  “Really?”

  “No.” He put the last piece of his steak in his mouth. While he chewed, he turned Chéri’s steak on the plate and began to cut it.

  The pair ate in silence until their meal was done.

  “I thay we turn in for the night.”

  “I agree. We’ll get Semfeld in the morning and maybe while he’s resting we can go take a peek at the wand shop in town.”

  Liverioso raised an eyebrow at her- his mouth was full of steak.

  “ Just a peek. We won’t go inside or anything,” she assured him.

  Liverioso nodded as he chewed the last of Chéri’s steak. “OK.” He downed the remainder of his drink. “Ready?”

  Chéri did the same and stood. “Oh, I’m really ready for that bed.”

  Liverioso took a copper coin from the pouch and put it on the table. Even though the meal was free, didn’t mean a tip wasn’t in order.

  After a quick stop at the outdoor facilities, the pair went upstairs to their separate rooms. They were asleep within minutes.

  Chapter Fifty

  Semfeld’s (Uneventful) Road to Recovery

  and Then a Me
al

  Liverioso and Chéri picked up Semfeld the next day. They were pleased he was not zombified, even though the doctor pointed out he could still make that happen if they changed their minds.

  The pair had decided that once they paid off the doctor, they would split what was left to buy some basic supplies and weapons so they could at least hunt for game as they traveled, since they didn’t have enough to properly outfit themselves for the entire journey.

  Murray was displeased to say that the bill had already been paid by the R&E or E&R Eating House and Inn. Displeased because he had been paid local rates. Murray was planning on gouging the out of town travelers. ‘Diabolical plans to dominate the Lands didn’t just fund themselves!’ he had lamented- hoping for a tip.

  He didn’t get one.

  Chéri and Liverioso took turns watching over Semfeld as he quickly regained his strength, allowing him Chéri’s room for maximum quiet as he slept.

  By the morning of the sixth day, he was completely healed. When Liverioso and Chéri woke up in their beds (on Liverioso’s side of the double room), Semfeld was sitting on the small couch. “I’m ready.” He said flatly.

  “Can we be ready after breakfast?”

  Semfeld chuckled. “All this lounging make you soft?”

  Chéri picked up a pillow and hurled it at him. “Do not make me get out of this bed!”

  Semfeld threw the pillow back at her. “Lady, that’s exactly what I’m doing.” He stood up. “Meet you two downstairs.” He rubbed his shoulder where the Orc’s long knife had stuck through. Even though it was healed, the puckered scar would remain with him for the rest of his life. The long knife – kept as his personal weapon – would last for almost two decades, until he would finally lose it in the lair of a Dragon. As he cut his way out of its belly. Liverioso and Sage had already dispatched the dragon by that point, but in fighting off her brood alongside Drimblerod and Grimbledung, the long knife would clatter down a crevice and be lost to him forever[28].

  He went down the stairs stiffly, using the railing for support. Even though he was completely healed of the injury, he needed to work out the kinks of being in bed for five days. When he reached the lobby, Effron smirked at him.

  “Look a little stiff there. Stiff from being upstairs, huh? Stiff upstairs, huh?” He waggled his eyebrows.

  Semfeld shook his head; he had no idea what the man was talking about. Without a word to the strange man, he looked around the lobby, hoping he wouldn’t have to ask directions. There seemed to be a large statue of an Orc by the front desk. He was wearing a red waist-coat and a fez. That’s strange. To his relief, above a set of double doors, he spied an engraved wood sign. It proclaimed in bold, red letters ‘Eating House’. Without a look back, he went in.

  “Uhhhh,” said a very pale Human in a white coat. “Roooom number?”

  “What?”

  “Yer roooom nuhhhmb’rrr?”

  Semfeld realized he had no idea. He had spent the entire time laid up in bed, with Liverioso and Chéri taking turns bringing him meals, and (thankfully) only Liverioso emptying the bedpan. When he left the room, he didn’t look at the door. “I’m sorry. I have no idea what room I’m in.”

  “Uhhhh.. Neeed to know you stayin’ ‘ere.” The Human furrowed his brown. “Uhhhhh” he added.

  “I’m on the third floor.”

  “That not roooom numb’rrrr.” He shuffled his feet as he looked around the establishment. There were tables to clear- numbers eleven, three, and eight to be more specific.

  Semfeld frowned. A thought occurred to him. “Wait, I’m staying with another Human and a Gnomess. They’ve been here almost a week.”

  The Human snapped his fingers. “Hoooman and Gnome?” He smiled. Or maybe it was a grimace. “They come down toooouuhhh?”

  Semfeld nodded. He was still trying to make sense of Chéri being especially friendly in the room. Of course, it didn’t seem like anything at the time - normal in fact- but she did seem on the verge of playful when she tossed the pillow and didn’t complain when he threw it back at her. Strange. “Yes, they’ll be down shortly.”

  “Uhhhh.” He gestured to a table with four chairs. “Cofffffeeeee?”

  “Sure?” Semfeld was unsure why the server was acting like he did. It was friendly in a manner of speaking. But also disturbing. He moved to the table and sat down. He looked around the room. Several other patrons were seated around the establishment. He can’t be too off, otherwise there’d be other complaints. He drummed his fingers as he waited.

  Within moments, the server shuffled back to the table. “Brought carafeuuhhhh” He set the container on the table as well as three cups from his tray. “The yooosual?”

  “Usual?”

  The server shrugged. “What they eat.” He pointed at the ceiling, toward the third floor. “But for threeuuuhhh.”

  Semfeld nodded. He felt confident that they had not ordered anything outlandish. “That sounds fine.” He took the carafe and poured himself a cup of coffee as the server moved off. “This is the strangest town on the map”[29], he said to no one in particular. Carefully he slurped the hot coffee.

  Before he had finished half of it, Liverioso and Chéri entered the eatery. The server gave them a wave as they came in. “Morning Imran,” said Liverioso.

  “Morrnuuuhhh,” the server called back as he cleared a table.

  “This is the strangest town on the map,” Semfeld said to the pair as they sat down. “Starting with that server.” He pointed even though the server was the only staff in the room.

  “Imran’s a Zombie,” explained Chéri.

  “What?” Semfeld looked at the man. He had cleared two of the tables and was now shuffling toward the kitchen with the dishes. “Him? Why?”

  “The doctor likes to make them. Seems they’re en vogue.”

  “You mean like hats with feathers or women with nine fingers?

  “Nine fingers?” Chéri blanched.

  “Only more so, it seems.” Offered Liverioso.

  “That’s really strange.”

  “You get used to them.” Chéri watched Imran approach. “Mostly.”

  Imran shuffled to the table. He was holding a large tray on his shoulder. As he bent down to slide it onto the table, his knees creaked and popped. “Yoooosualuuuuhhhh. But for threeeuhhh.” He stood and began to transfer food to the table: several boiled eggs, a half dozen slices of bread, a jar of preserves, and a stack of pancakes. Lastly, he put a jar of syrup on the table. “That alllluhhhh?”

  “Yes, thanks Imran.”

  Imran shuffled away, confident he had earned a copper coin as a tip. If the tipping continued, soon he would have enough money to have a good and proper tongue put in his head and he would stop adding ‘uuhhhh’ to most of his words. Then the big coins would start rolling in!

  Semfeld cracked an egg and began to peel it. “So what have I missed in these five days?”

  Chéri took two pancakes and put them on her plate. Liverioso passed her the syrup as he moved two to his own plate. “Well,” began Chéri. “We have the town scoped out pretty good and we know we can get another Shambler so we have one each.”

  “And maybe a wagon if it’s out.”

  Chéri nodded as she cut her pancakes. “True. And as we ride out of town, we’ll grab some extra clothes.” She skewered some pancakes and put them in her mouth. She nodded at Liverioso.

  Liverioso’s eyes got large.

  “What?” Semfeld took a bite of his egg. “What else?”

  “Secondhand Sorcery might have moved here while we’ve been away.”

  Semfeld sputtered egg onto the table. “What?!”

  “Well, it seems there was a fire in Aution and it’s gone now.”

  “The entire town?”

  “Yes. There was some sort of jamboree and a fire broke out and spread in the center of town and then out in all directions.” Chéri picked up another forkful of pancakes. “Want to tell him about the Halflings?”

  “
What about the Halflings?”

  “I’ll tell him,” said Liverioso. Chéri obliged by eating the pancakes. She was looking down at her plate. “Well, the Great Army of the Halfling Empire was invading the lands.”

  “That’s been the rumor for months.”

  “Well they finally went and did it. Or tried to anyway.”

  Chéri ate another piece of pancake. After hearing the news from Effron he came close to killing him there and then. Comp’ed rooms or not. Only the thought of being stuck in town for a trial kept her from doing it. That, and the now-overwhelming urge to kill two certain Gnomes that she was sure had a hand in the demise of her dear Colossus.

  “They lost? The entire Empire?”

  “Well, it seems that some Gargoyles and Golems got involved and that it turned the tide. The parchments all say that it was a massacre and that there were no survivors.” He hazarded a glance at Chéri. She was still looking at her plate.

  “Oh no.”

  “The last she heard from the Assassin Network was that a small group of Halflings that survived made their way to Julesville. They were led by Colossus.”

  Semfeld perked up. “Oh, so that’s a good thing, right?”

  “They were also... unsuccessful.” Liverioso put his hand on Chéri’s shoulder. “And Halflings fight to the death, so the odds of Colossus coming out of this are pretty low.”

  Semfeld sat back. “Oh, Chéri, I’m sorry to hear that.”

  Chéri put down her fork. “That is in the past.” She picked up an egg and began to roughly shell it. “Right now I’m concerned about dealing with a certain pair of Gnomes that I’m sure had a hand in...” She looked down, all that was left of her egg was the yolk. She popped it into her mouth.

  “We’ll find them, Chéri.” Liverioso nodded at Semfeld.

  “Yes. That we will.” Semfeld began peeling an egg as well.

  Chéri nodded in return.

  Liverioso and Chéri ate in silence as Semfeld peeled his egg, considering all he had been told.

  “There’s something else. But promise you’ll try to stay calm,” said Liverioso.