Here's Looking For You, Grim (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 3)

by Robert P. Wills

Fate, who had been hanging out in HalflingCity for several months, turned to look at Julesville.

  She smiled and moved towards the town.

  Chapter Fifty-Five

  The After Party

  “So, now that everything seems to be back to normal. I’d love to hear your story,” coaxed Big Julie (unnecessarily) as she put down her goblet.

  The others behind him all shook their heads frantically at Big Julie.

  It was too late.

  “Well,” began Grim. He thought for a moment. For some reason the past few weeks were a complete blur to him. The last thing he remembered, that he was sure had actually happened, was backing away from a tree while Righty waited for him, then turning to run. Then he remembered being back in town and leaving the odd Elf Witch’s shop. Everything in between was a complete fog except for bits and pieces that really didn’t seem to fit together at all. Not wanting to miss a chance to tell a story, he pressed on with whatever came to mind. “So once I escaped the Halflings by backing away from a tree I was supposed to poop by...”

  “Oh dear.” Said Big Julie, already sorry she had asked for the story.

  “Then I was sitting there waiting for them cannibal Elves to eat me when this beef-minded Minotaur comes lunting up…”

  “Lunting?” Interrupted Julie, eyebrow raised.

  Grimbledung shrugged, “It’s a good and proper word,” he raised an eyebrow back, “it just doesn’t get used that much.”

  Julie smirked, “Go on then, with your lunting.”

  He let out a sign, “As I was saying, I was sitting there when a Minotaur came lunting up.” He paused for a moment, “Pipe in mouth, walking along,” he winked at Julie, “and all the Elves stopped with building their fire to meet with him. Full grown Minotaur tend to get folks’ attention.”

  “Is this a sit down and eat seconds story?” It was Rat. “Or will there be a conclusion rounding the corner soon? Are you sure the Minotaur was the one that was beef-minded? Honestly.”

  “There’s more where that came from,” warned Grimbledung.

  “You know, for an illiterate, you’re pretty well spoken,” offered Julie.

  Grimbledung took it as a challenge. He cracked his knuckles. “So, the Minotaur lunted into the clearing, then he sat down and began to groat.” Grimbledung nodded, “That, I don’t have to tell you, got me worried.”

  “I’ll bet,” agreed Nulu. As a Trolless, she had done her fair share of groating.

  Nonplussed, Grimbledung continued, “Especially since the Elves seemed like facile folk. When they’re not trying to eat you. And Teeth, being especially zafty, thanks to his frog licking habit, told Mink…”

  “Mink?”

  “That’s the Minotaur,” Grimbledung explained to Big Julie. “So Teeth told Mink he could come in and have a bite to eat. Of me. So Mink comes over and sits by the fire. Now I’m curglaffed since they were trying to clean me up to cook me but I still notice that Teeth jirbles out a dram of mead to him, so I know that the Elves and Minotaur don’t really get along.”

  “You could tell that the Elves didn’t get along with Minotaur from that one nervous pouring?” Julie asked unconvinced.

  Grimbledung shook his head, “Minotaur sitting there, not Minotaur everywhere. They really need a plural for them.” He thought for a moment.

  “Just get on with the story,” coaxed Rat.

  “Minotaire? Minotai?” He shrugged, “Anyway, Mink has the Elves all nervous and being a master of shybosh, that’s when I decide that I was going to…”

  Two Hours Later

  Everyone sat back exhausted at the table. They had (fortunately) ordered more snacks after an hour and more drinks a half hour after that. And later, a snack of tea with jam and bread (of course).

  Grimbledung stood in the middle of the table, baguette in hand. He thrust it outward and then parried a blow, “Like this! Then, when I had them at bay, Nulu, Rat, and Klank showed up.”

  “That’s not what I remembered happening,” offered Rat. “You were only in the forest two days and only in the hands of the Elves for a part of one of those days.” Rat picked up a piece of bread. “And it took you most of the afternoon to go through just the part where they were trying to cook you?” He shied (sorry) the bread at the Gnome. “I’m going to take a nap.” With that, he hopped up and made for the door.

  “Wait! There’s more. Lots more!”

  “Maybe you can write... maybe you can dictate it to a scribe and we can read it later,” suggested Drimblerod.

  Nulu stood. “I think I’ll wait for the parchment to come out as well. I need to get over and see what’s going on at the...” She realized she was already in her establishment and her often-used excuse to detach herself from Grimbledung’s antics would probably not work. Or maybe it would. “the inn part of the Duck Inn and Dine. Being a sole proprietor has its responsibilities, you know.”

  Grimbledung nodded. “I’ll bet it does.”

  “You know you’re also a...” Began Drimblerod. “Never mind. Say, how about we go back to the Shoppe and get cleaned up.”

  “Cleaned up?” Grimbledung hopped off the table.

  “Sure. We can pop down to the Mora Tau and have a drink or two.”

  “Or two?”

  “A welcome home celebration.”

  “How much we celebrating?”

  “We can go downstairs and chat up a Doxie.” Drimblerod winked. “Or two.”

  “You know,” began Big Julie, “it wouldn’t do you two any harm to actually try to find a respectable gal.” She considered that for a moment. “One each, preferably.”

  Grimbledung waved his hand dismissively. “Respectable gals? They’re a copper a dozen. Now Doxies on the other hand...”

  “Are what?” Julie asked.

  “About two silver for the night!” Guffawed Grimbledung. He slapped his hand on the table. “Right?”

  Drimblerod laughed as well. “Well, if you can haggle, that is.”

  “You two should be ashamed of yourselves.”

  “Hey, we’re supporting local business,” said Grimbledung defensively.

  “No.”

  “But...”

  “No. The next time we talk, I want to hear about respectable gals that you meet in respectable places.”

  “Where does one go to meet respectable gals?” Drimblerod asked. Now he was curious.

  Julie opened her mouth. Then closed it. Where does one meet respectable gals? She snapped her fingers. “At the social I’m throwing at the first of the month. There’ll be plenty there.”

  “Social? Will there be food?”

  “That’s what makes it a Social, Grim.”

  “What about music and dancing?” Grimbledung stood. “Will there be that?”

  “Yes. That’s more of what makes it a Social.”

  “You gonna have a big fire to roast your Marsh Mallows and Marsh Pixies on?

  “NO!” Big Julie, Nulu, and Drimblerod all said at once.

  Grimbledung sat back down. “I was just curious.”

  “There will be no fires of any kind.” Big Julie leaned in towards Grimbledung. “None.”

  “Well, I was just asking because you know if you’re going to serve Marsh Mallows and Marsh Pixies you really need a place to roast them because they’re best served warm because once they’re cold they really don’t taste so good so you have to cook them right before you eat them kind of like yams because no one likes cold yams which are a lot like Marsh Mallows...”

  “Grimbledung.” Julie interrupted.

  Grimbledung smiled. He waggled his ears as well.

  “Why don’t you go get cleaned up for your night on the town with your partner. I’ll see about setting up a chef...”

  Grimbledung stood again.

  “Who will do ALL the roasting for everyone.”

  “But there’ll be a line,” Grimbledung whined.

  “WHO WILL DO ALL THE ROASTING FOR EVERYONE.”

  Grimbledung let out a long sigh.
“That sounds great to me.”

  “Good. Now, go get ready so you can go carousing.”

  “You want to come along, Julie?” Drimblerod asked.

  Big Julie stood up. “Thanks for the offer, Drimblerod. But I’m a respectable gal nowadays.” She smirked. “I do my carousing behind closed doors.”

  Grimbledung gaped at her.

  With a wink, Big Julie sashayed out, hips traveling an inordinate distance to each side as she went.

  “Well, I’m dashed.”

  “Me too, Grim,” said Nulu.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, I don’t have anyone to carouse with.”

  “You want to come with? It’ll be fun. And we don’t have to talk to the Doxies. We can just sit and have a good time.”

  “Thanks, Grimbledung. I think I may take you up on that.” Nulu smiled. “How soon until you gentlemen walk over?”

  “We can come pick you up in a couple of hours if that works for you,” said Drimblerod. “That’ll let you check on your place, and let us do some work in the Shoppe, then get cleaned up and be ready on time.”

  “Ready on time? Not like last time?”

  Drimblerod stood. “Sure. Right on time!”

  Nulu shook her head. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

  “Are you saying we’re always late?”

  “You’re always late.”

  “Not that one...”

  “Always.”

  Drimblerod pursed his lips. Thinking back, he realized she was right. “Not this time, though,” he assured her.

  Grimbledung hopped back and forth. “So let’s get going so we can be on time.”

  “Good. See you in two hours then. We’ll have ourselves a good time. Carousing or no.” With that Nulu stood and sashayed out the door, hips wandering to and fro as much as her Human friend’s had moments earlier.

  “Holy Wooly Shamblers.”

  Grimbledung nodded. His tongue was hanging out too far to form words. He rolled it back in. “So we should go get ready now then.”

  Drimblerod stood. “We’ve got plenty of time. Pleeeenty.”

  Three Hours Later

  Drimblerod and Grimbledung ran towards the Duck Inn and Dine. Drimblerod (thanks to a head start) was a full twenty paces ahead of his partner. “Think we’ll make it?” Grimbledung called.

  “Maybe,” puffed Drimblerod. “I’ll scoot in and bring her out!”

  Drimblerod rounded the corner to the front of the Duck Inn and came face to face with a female Dwarf. He skidded around her, twirled once and grabbed the door handle. With a hearty pull, he yanked the door open, pulling it closed behind him before Grimbledung cleared the corner.

  Grimbledung rounded the corner. There was a female Dwarf standing in the middle of the street, looking towards the Duck Inn and Dine. He crashed into her full on, knocking her to the ground, him on top. “Yaaa!” He screeched as they landed.

  The Dwarfess’ basket spilled its contents as it hit the ground. A large amount of fruit and vegetables spread all over the ground. Grimbledung pushed himself up and looked down at the woman. “Sorry about that. Really I am.”

  “Do you mind?”

  “Not a bit,” said Grimbledung, still in the same position. “I wasn’t hurt at all. You?”

  The Dwarfess stared at Grimbledung.

  Nulu stepped out of her establishment. “Drim’s talking to one of the cooks and will meet... Gads Grimbledung! What are you doing?”

  Grimbledung looked at Nulu. “Well, me and Drim were running here to be on time...”

  “You’re an hour late.”

  “...and when I rounded the corner, this Dwarfess was standing still and we kind of ran into each other.”

  “Grimbledung...”

  “But it’s okay , because neither one of us are hurt.”

  “Grimbledung,” said the Dwarf.

  Grimbledung looked down at the female. “Yes?”

  “How about you stop using my breasts to hold yourself up. Or maybe it’s to hold me down. Whichever it is, I’d like you to stop.”

  “Yaah!” Screeched Grimbledung when he looked down and saw where he was pushing to hold himself up. He still didn’t move.

  “And this is when you get off me.”

  Nulu grabbed Grimbledung by the arm and pulled him off the Dwarfess. “Honestly, Grim.”

  “Sorry about that, really I am.” There was a grin plastered on Grimbledung’s face.

  “Really?” The Dwarfess sat up and extended her hand to him.

  Grimbledung shook it. “Sure.”

  “Is this normal or was he hit in the head recently?”

  “Well...” said Nulu. “It’s a really long story. I’m not sure if...”

  Grimbledung shook the Dwarfess’ hand again since it was still extended. “Sure!” He said again.

  “Grimbledung, please help the lady up.”

  “Oh, right. Thanks Nulu!” Grimbledung took the Dwarfess’ hand in his and yanked her forcefully to her feet.

  Hers head snapped back as she popped up. “Easy there, tiger.” She rubbed her neck with her free hand. Grimbledung still hadn’t let go of her other one. She looked at Nulu. “Clingy isn’t he?”

  Nulu laughed. “Honestly, that’s a word I’ve never heard used to describe him.”

  The Dwarfess worked her hand out of Grimbledung’s. “Thanks, I suppose.” She looked down at her groceries. They were strewn all over the ground. “Great.” She began to bend down.

  Nulu knew what was going to happen and cringed.

  “I’ll get that!” Grimbledung bent down and bonked his head against the Dwarfess’. Hard. “Gah!” He fell backward.

  So did the Dwarfess. “Delberger’s hand. You’re killing me, Grimbledung. Killing me.” She said as she rubbed her head.

  Grimbledung rolled to his feet and extended his hand. “I’ll get ya!”

  “No. No you won’t, actually.” She scooted back several feet from Grimbledung. “I’ll get myself up.” And she did.

  Nulu bent down and began picking up produce. “I’ll get this for you, Ma’am.”

  “Miss.”

  “Miss.” An absurdly absurd thought came to Nulu. She glanced at Grimbledung. He was still rubbing his head. She looked at the Dwarf. So was she. They seemed to be close together in age. It was sometimes difficult to tell with some races, but Gnomes and Dwarves were, at the end of the day, pretty similar. Absolutely absurd. Don’t even think it Nulu, she said to herself.

  “I’ll get those grapefruits,” Grimbledung reached down to pick up a pair of grapefruits. He grabbed one but only managed to kick the other away. Towards the Dwarfess. Still moving with his head down, he head-butted her in the stomach just as he grasped the grapefruit, causing her to bend over.

  “What is the matter with you?”

  “I assure you, Miss. This is completely normal for him.”

  Grimbledung stood up, hitting his head against her breasts as he did so. “Gah!” He said again.

  “Honestly, I’m being groped more here on the street than at the Mora Tau.”

  “Grimbledung, for Delberger’s Hand, stand still and take a deep breath.”

  Grimbledung stopped and took in a deep breath. He held it.

  “Don’t tell me you’re going to have to tell him to stop.”

  “Let’s just see.” Nulu smiled. “I’m Nulu. Nulu Bentknees. Owner of the Duck Inn and Dine.” She pointed behind her at the large building.

  “Love your scones.”

  Grimbledung exhaled loudly. “Me too!” He hopped back and forth. “Me too! Me too!”

  “I’m Mantodea Hesperus. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  “Likewise.” She pointed at Grimbledung. “You’ve sort of met Grimbledung Sixtoes. He’s part owner of Second Hand Sorcery.”

  “Where the talking rat sleeps on the bench?”

  “That’s the place.”

  “He owns a business?” She pointed at the still hopping Grimbledung.

  “
Makes you stop and think, doesn’t it?”

  Grimbledung stopped hopping. “So wanna come with us to the Mora Tau? We’re doing carousing tonight.”

  “What, more than you’ve already done?”

  “What?”

  “Never mind.” Mantodea smiled at Nulu. “Pleasure meeting you.” She looked at Grimbledung.

  “Yeah?” He waggled his ears.

  “And I met you.”

  “Right? What could be better?” Grimbledung waggled his ears again.

  “I don’t have that kind of time on my hands. Maybe at a later, as yet undetermined date.”

  Did that female just agree to meet Grimbledung at a later date? Nulu thought quickly. “Sure. Maybe here for breakfast tomorrow.” Don’t push it. Grimbledung is in rare form right now. You’ll end up spooking her! “Or another day,” she added noncommittally.

  The Dwarf appraised Grimbledung. He was looking up at the night sky. There was a full moon peeking out of the clouds. She shook her head. “I don’t know.”

  “It’s on the house for the bruised... produce.”

  Grimbledung looked at the two females. “Breakfast? I’d be dee-lighted.” He raised an eyebrow. “If you’re going to be around.”

  “I live here in town.”

  “So you’re going to be around then?”

  Mantodea looked at Nulu. “Was he stung by something maybe?”

  Cut your losses. Things are going good. Just get Grim away before he blows it! Nulu laughed nervously, “Hah, hah. No, no. He’s just a jokester, that’s all.” She moved beside the Gnome. He was looking up at the moon again. “Well, we’ve got to go meet some friends and we’re already very late, so how about breakfast?” Nulu thought to the night Grimbledung was expecting to have and the amount he was planning on drinking. A hung-over Gnome would not make pleasant breakfast conversation. “Day after tomorrow about nine or so?”

  “Sure. I’d be glad to,” Mantodea said. “See you then Nulu.” She looked at Grimbledung. He was staring at the moon. “And you, Grimbledung.”

  “Mm-hmm” He never looked down.

  With a shrug, Mantodea turned and walked off.

  “Grimbledung, you’re impossible sometimes. You know that?”