Finding Justus

by Bretz, Amanda

  “He cares for you. He’s not just trying to get you into his bed. I don’t think a man as beautiful as Miguel would have a problem finding someone willing and able. But, he doesn’t want just someone, he wants you.

  “And may I add it’s always better to do something and regret it, rather than saying ‘I wish I would’ve done that when I had the chance.’ Come on, when we’re old ladies, you can rub it in my face that you once had the king of all hotties.”

  Justus nodded and laughed. She glanced toward the balcony, she really needed more time to herself, to digest all Krystal had told her. She got up and walked out onto the balcony alone. Justus leaned against the railing and enjoyed the cool, salty spray hitting her face. Why was it so hard for her to do what she wanted? Why did she feel she must deny herself this happiness?

  Krystal would have answers to these questions, but she didn’t want to talk to Krystal about this. She had to figure this one out by herself. Miguel was a great man and she wanted him, so what was stopping her? She knew at the moment it was stubborn pride, and an eight-year-old wound that seemed to constantly feel fresh.

  Krystal’s words echoed through her mind, “…he could actually help you out somehow.” Tears formed in Justus’ eyes as she thought of her words. Krystal was right. Miguel might be able to help her put aside the stupid insecurities and fears she had carried around with her for almost a decade.

  She had already known this, but didn’t want to accept it, out of fear. Each date with Miguel was better than the last. He was intriguing and exciting, passionate and handsome, caring and kind. Every time they were together, Justus felt she was coming out of her shell more and more.

  She also felt more alive and complete, like she finally fit in somewhere after a lifetime of being an outcast. Yes, she felt all these wonderful feelings, and after Saturday, they would have to end. She would never see Miguel again. The thought was almost too much to bear. She released a small sob that had been threatening to escape her throat and clutched the railing until her fingers turned white.

  ***

  Krystal stepped onto the patio quietly. “The food’s here, did you still want to eat outside?”

  “Sure, bring it on out, I’m starved.”

  After lunch Justus felt her resolve grow and she knew Krystal was right. You only live once, and it’s better to regret what you did, instead of didn’t do. This was her second to last day she would have with Miguel, and she had already wasted half of it. She was going to make the most of the rest of her time with Miguel. She’d also decided when tonight came around, she was going to make the most of the situation and let whatever happened, happen.

  After their meal, Justus took a shower, while Krystal had went to the lido deck to sunbathe around the pool. Justus went to a movie and sat through an asinine comedy, hoping it would take her mind off her problems. Instead, being in the ship’s deserted, dark theater alone made her feel worse about things.

  If only she could be like Krystal, to whom trusting and seeing the best in people was second nature. At one time in Justus’ life it had been, but not anymore. These days she felt more alone than ever and she knew there was not a damn thing she could do about it.

  She had been so lost in her reverie she was surprised when the screen was black and all noise stopped, save the few people walking toward the exit from the front row. She looked around and saw the meager crowd was gone.

  Justus squinted and groped in her pockets for her sunglasses as she walked onto the lido deck. She took a seat at the bar and ordered a banana daiquiri. She had become addicted to them over the course of the cruise. The bartender, a young blonde man with a thick eastern European accent gave her the daiquiri along with a smile. Acting on instinct, she gave him a flirtatious smile back, and turned her swivel seat to look at the people splashing around in the pool.

  As she was sipping on her drink and lapping up the fresh whipped cream off the top, she noticed Miguel walking toward the entrance, which meant he’d be walking almost directly in front of Justus. He spotted her.

  “Justus! You’re feeling better?”

  Justus felt her heart melt as she looked into his smiling face. “Yes, much better. Where have you been, I’ve been looking for you. I wanted to thank you for the flowers. That was really sweet.”

  Miguel shrugged it off as if to say it was nothing.

  “No, really. They’re beautiful, and my favorite kind,” she added softly.

  “What are you doing now, for the rest of the day actually?”

  “Nothing.”

  Miguel simply smiled and took her hand as he led her toward the upper deck.

  ***

  “No fair! You’re a dirty, rotten, lousy cheater,” Justus pouted somewhat jokingly.

  The two of them had played a game of golf on the top deck. Miguel had beaten Justus badly, to her surprise, and she was being a sore loser.

  “Oh, you! Come here,” he commanded as he wrapped his arms around her from behind and kissed her softly on the neck. Justus felt herself melt at the feel of his lips on her skin.

  His lips were so soft and his kisses so gentle and caressing. But yet, everywhere his mouth had touched her had left her flesh burning. She felt her desire mounting as he lowered his hands to the sides of her breasts.

  Her breath quickened and her breasts tightened in response to his knuckles grazing them as he kissed her neck. Neither of them felt the need to be ashamed of their erotic display of affection. Justus rolled her lips inward to stifle a moan.

  “Let’s…go somewhere else,” she said.

  “And just where do you have in mind?”

  ***

  It turned out what she had in mind was the pool. Since they couldn’t leave the boat, the pool was the only place to get relief from the hot, Caribbean sun. She was craving the feel of the cool water on her skin. She desperately needed something to chill her hot skin, and possibly to ease her desire.

  She needed to keep it in check until later tonight when she would finally be able to set it free. A shiver of excitement ran through her, despite being in the hot June sun. As she lay on her raft, Justus began to fantasize about what would happen later tonight.

  She would finally get to touch and taste all of Miguel, finally know the most intimate and erotic parts of his body. She felt her body temperature rise even further at her thoughts. Her body was craving him and now her mind was consumed by thoughts of him.

  It was funny how suddenly her feelings toward him had developed. Well, maybe they’d been there all along, she reasoned, but only recently had she allowed herself to give in to them. Miguel was what she’d always wanted, always longed for, always hoped for, but what she was afraid she would never get.

  Never in her wildest dreams did she imagine she’d fall for someone she met on a cruise ship, much less someone whom she had only planned on having a fling with. In her heart she knew this couldn’t simply be a fling for either one of them. She didn’t know how, or even when it was going to work out between them, but she knew somehow it would.

  That was part of the reason why she’d had a change of heart. At the beginning of the week, spending time with Miguel had seemed like no big deal. Like something she would be able to forget once she went home. She had never had trouble forgetting other guys she had dated in the past. After a few dates with Miguel, it became apparent to her he was different.

  Justus wanted to sleep with him, and she knew he wanted the same thing from her. She refused to believe something as wonderful as what would happen between them tonight would start and finish with sex. She knew it would start a bond between them. One she hoped wouldn’t be broken.

  Justus placed her hand above her eyes, shielding them from the bright rays of the sun, so she could look at Miguel floating next to her. Thankfully, his eyes were closed. She wanted this moment to take in all of his handsome features, and his beautiful body without him realizing she was doing so.

  She practically started salivating as her eyes roved over his body. All
that yummy skin on display, she thought.

  It was the color of rich caramel, and she knew it was warm and soft and smooth to the touch. She glanced over his well-formed chest, the hair smattered nipples, the taut stomach. Her eyes stopped and rested upon the considerable bulge in his swimsuit.

  She unconsciously gnawed on her thumbnail. It had been such a long time since she’d been with someone other than Alex. The expectancy of tonight was enough to make her stomach do flip-flops and cause her heart to pound. The very thought of Miguel having free range of her body and vice versa, was enough to illicit a moan from her now.

  Miguel, hearing her moan, and taking it for discomfort rather than desire, looked at her. “Are you ok, hon?”

  “Yeah, I’m just getting a little hot. I’m going to get in the water,” she said as she rolled off of her raft.

  As she sank to the bottom of the pool, she felt grateful for the cooling effect the water had on her skin. Although it was working wonders for her outsides, it was doing nothing to cool the embers of desire that were smoldering inside her body.

  She finally came to the surface and found Miguel still floating on his raft. How could he look so damn calm? Why wasn’t he foaming at the mouth to get her into bed? Well, maybe he was, but he just dealt with it in a different way than she did, she reasoned.

  “Are you almost ready to go in and start getting dressed for dinner?” Justus asked hopefully.

  “Yeah, I guess we can pretty soon. Are you hungry?”

  Justus wanted to tell him that he had no idea how hungry she was-for him-but she decided now was neither the time nor the place for such a confession. “Yeah, I’m getting there. I think it’s all the fresh air and exercise.”

  “Okay, we can go in a few minutes. That way we’ll be able to clean up and make it back up here to catch the sunset before dinner.”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Hair up or hair down. Justus peered at her reflection quizzically. Up was elegant, down was sexier. She decided to wear it down. She absent-mindedly plugged in her curling iron and started the finishing touches on her makeup.

  “Wow!” Krystal cat-called to Justus when she walked out of the bathroom.

  “Stop,” Justus said as she blushed.

  She knew she looked beautiful tonight. Her complexion was glowing thanks to her exposure to the sun this afternoon, and because she had the glow of a woman in love. Justus had chosen a sexy, iridescent tangerine cocktail dress with a flirty, wispy handkerchief hemline. She paired the dress with gold high-heeled sandals and gold, gypsy-inspired jewelry she had picked up in one of the shops in San Juan. She couldn’t wait to see Miguel’s reaction to her appearance.

  It turned out Miguel thought she looked beautiful. At least that’s what he’d said when he picked her up for dinner. And from the hungry way he was looking into her eyes over the dinner table, Justus assumed his appetite wasn’t being quenched by the piece of beef in front of him.

  “How is your steak?”

  “It’s really good,” Justus said.

  She was hungry, but she was too nervous and excited to eat. Her stomach had butterflies in it from the time Miguel picked her up, and they didn’t seem to be dissipating. She could order something from room service later. Justus was sure she and Miguel would be working up quite an appetite.

  Jeez! Couldn’t she control herself? She needed to stop thinking about sex for one minute and actually focus on Miguel and the situation at present. Miguel was speaking to her and she had no clue what he was talking about.

  “…My uncle, well actually he got it from my great-grandfather. It is a beautiful car.”

  A car, okay so that’s what we are talking about, she thought as she caught herself up to the conversation.

  “What year is it?”

  “It’s a nineteen twenty-five Rolls Royce. It’s in mint condition, I mean it’s perfecto. My great-grandfather bought that car after he came to America and started a business. He cherished it. Even when his business went under during the Depression, he never sold the car, it meant too much to him. It represented all his hard work and the struggles he went through to get to America and the sacrifices he had to make in order to succeed.

  “So, he kept it, but he never really used it. He put it in the garage and he only drove it on especial occasions.”

  Justus felt her stomach flutter as Miguel talked in Spanglish. She thought it was so cute how he sometimes said especial instead of special. His accent seemed to suddenly get thicker as he spoke about his family. In fact, his whole demeanor changed. His eyes were brighter and more animated than she had ever seen them. He seemed so happy. So, this was what it must be like to be a part of a strong family. A loving family.

  “So, my great-grandfather, he gives the Rolls to my uncle, his oldest son. My uncle, he has no sons, only daughters, so he gave me the Rolls, because I am my father’s oldest son. I guess the car is going to be passed down like a tradicion. Maybe one day I will have a son, and I will give him the car,” Miguel said, looking at her intensely.

  Justus could only stare at him for several seconds, her mouth hanging open. Suddenly she realized he didn’t mean he would be having a child with her. The thought upset and confused her all at once.

  After declining dessert, they left the dining hall and set out for the upper deck, for one of their usual strolls. As they walked along together, hand in hand, Justus was saddened by the fact that this was one of the last times she would be able to do this with Miguel.

  They stopped on the lido deck, and looked over the side rails into the dark, vast Atlantic. Neither of them said anything. There seemed to be no need for words between them now. Both were too caught up in the emotions coursing through them.

  Justus closed her eyes and simply listened. She became momentarily intoxicated by the swirling, whooshing sound of the sea crashing against the boat as they sped toward land. Her heart sunk a little as she was being carried away from the Caribbean islands, and the magic she had felt on this boat, with this man.

  Justus opened her eyes, and turned toward Miguel. They locked gazes. At first, neither of them moved. It was as though they were afraid of touching, afraid of breathing, of disturbing the moment. Justus was the first to move, she reached for Miguel’s hand, grasped it, caressed it. She brought his fingers to her mouth, and began kissing each one gently. Through hooded eyes she watched as Miguel rolled his lips inward as thought to stifle a moan.

  After she had treated each of his digits to this delightful torture, she moved her hands slowly up his arms, to his broad chest and shoulders. She smoothed out the lines in his shirt over his well-defined chest. She felt her fingers dip slightly in the hollow between his developed pectoral muscles.

  She moved outward, toward his biceps. She stopped and rubbed ever so lightly with the very tips of her fingers. She returned her attention to his beautifully sculpted chest, and this time she moved upward. She relished in the hollow of his collarbone, and his pronounced Adam’s apple.

  Once again, she was amazed at the rich, silky texture of his skin beneath her fingers. She closed her eyes and moved her hands up, over his throat, around the stubble on his chin, to his lips. Her fingertips massaged them gently, while pushing them apart. She felt his breath coming in rapid, shallow pants, and she realized his frenzied breathing matched her own.

  She wanted him. Now. She couldn’t hold back any longer. Damn the consequences. She might be miserable and full of regrets when she got back to St. Louis, but she didn’t care. All she cared about was now. Today. This moment. She wanted to give in to the pleasure, and worry about the pain later.

  She opened her eyes and looked at Miguel. She read in his gaze everything that she was thinking and feeling. It was time. Without saying a word to each other they joined hands, turned and walked in the direction toward Miguel’s cabin.

  The descending of the stairs, slipping the key in the lock, the twisting of the doorknob, all these ordinary things somehow seemed to be very erotic to Justus at the mom
ent. Once they were inside Miguel’s cabin they hesitated, but only for a second.

  They were on each other quickly, in a frenzy of touching, rubbing, and kissing. Limbs were flying, hands were moving as fast as lightning. Miguel was the one to step back and slow things down. Justus looked confused, and she gazed at him with wide eyes.

  “Is it okay if we slow down? I want to make sure I don’t miss any precious part of you.”

  Justus nodded and let out a long, slow breath. Miguel was right, she had been in a hurry, but she didn’t know why. After all, they had all night. She made a conscious effort to slow her movements, to make them deliberate almost.

  She slowly reached down and undid the straps of her sandals and stepped out of her shoes one at a time. That was all the undressing of herself that Miguel allowed. He took over from there and she couldn’t believe how easily her clothes came off.

  The strap to her dress seemed to untie itself from the back of her neck. Her dress slid effortlessly to the floor. Her bra seemed to melt off of her body like butter. There was no fumblingly with the clasp and awkward, clumsy apologies like she’d experienced with Alex.

  She blocked Alex from her mind and focused on Miguel’s hands gliding over her bare back. He was whispering to her in a foreign tongue, in his native language. She had no idea what he was saying, but it sounded sexy. As his hands slid around to her waist, and slowly up to her chest she let out a small whimper.

  Miguel looked at her, as though he was making sure it was a sound of joy and not discomfort. Once he was assured she wanted him, he continued. Justus moaned and bit her lip as he massaged her breast and gently plucked at her nipple.

  His mouth roamed freely, and explored her lips, cheeks, throat and hair. It seemed he couldn’t get enough of her. He moved his mouth slowly down her throat, using his lips and tongue in a way that drove Justus crazy. When he finally reached her breast, he teased her, and kissed and licked and sucked everywhere except her nipple.