Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombie Jim

by Mark Twain

  They had pictures hung on the walls-mainly Washingtons and Lafayettes, and battles, and Highland Marys, and one called “Signing the Declaration.” There was some that they called crayons, which one of the daughters which was dead and not come back made her own self when she was only fifteen years old. They was different from any pictures I ever see before-blacker, mostly, than is common. One was a woman in a slim black dress, belted small under the armpits, with bulges like a cabbage in the middle of the sleeves, and a large black scoop-shovel bonnet with a black veil, and white slim ankles crossed about with black tape, and very wee black slippers, like a chisel, and she was leaning pensive on a tombstone on her right elbow, under a weeping willow, and her other hand hanging down her side holding a white handkerchief and a reticule, and underneath the picture it said “Shall I Never See Thee More Alas.” Another one was a young lady with her hair all combed up straight to the top of her head, and knotted there in front of a comb like a chair-back, and she was crying into a handkerchief and had a dead bird laying on its back in her other hand with its heels up, and underneath the picture it said “I Shall Never Hear Thy Sweet Chirrup More Alas.” There was one where a young lady was at a window looking up at the moon, and tears running down her cheeks; and she had an open letter in one hand with black sealing wax showing on one edge of it, and she was mashing a locket with a chain to it against her mouth, and underneath the picture it said “And Art Thou Gone Yes Thou Art Gone Alas.” And yet another what showed a man with a caved-in face and blank eyes, surely dead, an’ he was holding a kettle, and underneath the picture it said “I Am Returned Unto You For A Time Alas.” These was all nice pictures, I reckon, but I didn't somehow seem to take to them, because if ever I was down a little they always give me the fan-tods. Everybody was sorry she died, because she had laid out a lot more of these pictures to do, and a body could see by what she had done what they had lost. But I reckoned that with her disposition she was having a better time in the graveyard. She was at work on what they said was her greatest picture when she took sick, and every day and every night it was her prayer to be allowed to live till she got it done, but she never got the chance. It was a picture of a young woman in a long white gown, standing on the rail of a bridge all ready to jump off, with her hair all down her back, and looking up to the moon, with the tears running down her face, and she had two arms folded across her breast, and two arms stretched out in front, and two more reaching up towards the moon-and the idea was to see which pair would look best, and then scratch out all the other arms; but, as I was saying, she died before she got her mind made up, and now they kept this picture over the head of the bed in her room, and every time her birthday come they hung flowers on it. Other times it was hid with a little curtain. The young woman in the picture had a kind of a nice sweet face, but there was so many arms it made her look too spidery, seemed to me.

  This young girl kept a scrap-book when she was alive, and used to paste obituaries and accidents and cases of patient suffering in it out of the Presbyterian Observer, and write poetry after them out of her own head. It was very good poetry. This is what she wrote about a boy by the name of Stephen Dowling Bots that fell down a well and was drownded:

  Ode to Stephen Dowling Bots, Dec'd

  And did young Stephen sicken, And did young Stephen die? And did the sad hearts thicken, And did the mourners cry?

  No; such was not the fate of Young Stephen Dowling Bots; Though sad hearts round him thickened, ‘Twas not from sickness’ shots.

  No whooping-cough did rack his frame, Nor measles drear with spots; Not these impaired the sacred name Of Stephen Dowling Bots.

  Despised love struck not with woe That head of curly knots, Nor stomach troubles laid him low, Young Stephen Dowling Bots.

  O no. Then list with tearful eye, Whilst I his fate do tell. His soul did from this cold world fly By falling down a well.

  They got him out and emptied him; Alas it was too late; His spirit was gone for to sport aloft In the realms of the good and great.

  If Emmeline Grangerford could make poetry like that before she was fourteen, there ain't no telling what she could a done by and by. Buck said she could rattle off poetry like nothing. She didn't ever have to stop to think. He said she would slap down a line, and if she couldn't find anything to rhyme with it would just scratch it out and slap down another one, and go ahead. She warn't particular; she could write about anything you choose to give her to write about just so it was sadful. Every time a man died, or come back, or a woman died, or come back, or a child died, or come back, she would be on hand with her “tribute” before he was cold. She called them tributes. The neighbors said it was the doctor first, then Emmeline, then the undertaker-the undertaker never got in ahead of Emmeline but once, and then she hung fire on a rhyme for the dead person's name, which was Whistler. She warn't ever the same after that; she never complained, but she kinder pined away and did not live long. Poor thing, many's the time I made myself go up to the little room that used to be hers and get out her poor old scrap-book and read in it when her pictures had been aggravating me and I had soured on her a little. I liked all that family, dead ones and all, and warn't going to let anything come between us. Poor Emmeline made poetry about all the dead people when she was alive, all the alive people who was dead, and it didn't seem right that there warn't nobody to make some about her now she was gone; so I tried to sweat out a verse or two myself, but I couldn't seem to make it go somehow. They kept Emmeline's room trim and nice, and all the things fixed in it just the way she liked to have them when she was alive, and nobody ever slept there. The old lady took care of the room herself, though there was plenty of baggers to do the work, and she sewed there a good deal and read her Bible there mostly.

  Well, as I was saying about the parlor, there was beautiful curtains on the windows: white, with pictures painted on them of castles with vines all down the walls, and cattle coming down to drink. There was a little old piano, too, that had tin pans in it, I reckon, and nothing was ever so lovely as to hear the young ladies sing “The Last Link is Broken” and play “The Battle of Prague” on it. The walls of all the rooms was plastered, and most had carpets on the floors, and the whole house was whitewashed on the outside.

  It was a double house, and the big open place betwixt them was roofed and floored, and sometimes the table was set there in the middle of the day, and it was a cool, comfortable place. Nothing couldn't be better. And warn't the cooking good, and just bushels of it too!

  CHAPTER XVIII

  Col. Grangerford was a gentleman, you see. He was a gentleman all over; and so was his family. He was well born, as the saying is, and that's worth as much in a man as it is in a horse, so the Widow Douglas said, and nobody ever denied that she was of the first aristocracy in our town; and pap he always said it, too, though he warn't no more quality than a mudcat himself. Col. Grangerford was very tall and very slim, and had a darkish-paly complexion, not a sign of red in it anywheres; he was clean shaved every morning all over his thin face, and he had the thinnest kind of lips, and the thinnest kind of nostrils, and a high nose, and heavy eyebrows, and the blackest kind of eyes, sunk so deep back that they seemed like they was looking out of caverns at you, as you may say. His forehead was high, and his hair was black and straight and hung to his shoulders. His hands was long and thin, and every day of his life he put on a clean shirt and a full suit from head to foot made out of linen so white it hurt your eyes to look at it; and on Sundays he wore a blue tail-coat with brass buttons on it. He carried a mahogany cane with a silver head to it. There warn't no frivolishness about him, not a bit, and he warn't ever loud. He was as kind as he could be-you could feel that, you know, and so you had confidence. Sometimes he smiled, and it was good to see; but when he straightened himself up like a liberty-pole, and the lightning begun to flicker out from under his eyebrows, you wanted to climb a tree first, and find out what the matter was afterwards. He didn't ever have to tell anybody to mind their manners-everybod
y was always good-mannered where he was. Everybody loved to have him around, too; he was sunshine most always-I mean he made it seem like good weather. When he turned into a cloudbank it was awful dark for half a minute, and that was enough; there wouldn't nothing go wrong again for a week. When him and the old lady come down in the morning all the family got up out of their chairs and give them good-day, and didn't set down again till they had set down. Then Tom and Bob went to the sideboard where the decanter was, and mixed a glass of bitters and handed it to him, and he held it in his hand and waited till Tom's and Bob's was mixed, and then they bowed and said, “Our duty to you, sir, and madam;” and they bowed the least bit in the world and said thank you, and so they drank, all three, and Bob and Tom poured a spoonful of water on the sugar and the mite of whisky or apple brandy in the bottom of their tumblers, and give it to me and Buck, and we drank to the old people too.

  Bob was the oldest and Tom next-tall, beautiful men with very broad shoulders and brown faces, and long black hair and black eyes. They dressed in white linen from head to foot, like the old gentleman, and wore broad Panama hats.

  Then there was Miss Charlotte; she was twenty-five, and tall and proud and grand, but as good as she could be when she warn't stirred up; but when she was she had a look that would make you wilt in your tracks, like her father. She was beautiful.

  So was her sister, Miss Sophia, but it was a different kind. She was gentle and sweet like a dove, and she was only twenty.

  Each person had their own bagger to wait on them-Buck too, an’ he believed his to be the smartest and best of all. My bagger had a monstrous easy time, because I warn't used to having anybody do anything for me, but Buck's was on the jump most of the time.

  This was all there was of the family now, but there used to be more-three sons; they got killed; and Emmeline that died.

  The old gentleman owned a lot of farms and over a hundred baggers. He freed all his negros on the very day the zomby legislation was past. He said he never felt none too good about workin’ humans, no matter how dark they was, an’ usin’ the dead was the smartest idea anyone ever come up with. He said it would radicalize the whole future.

  Sometimes a stack of people would come there, horseback, from ten or fifteen mile around, and stay five or six days, and have such junketings round about and on the river, and dances and picnics in the woods daytimes, and balls at the house nights. These people was mostly kinfolks of the family. The men brought their guns with them. It was a handsome lot of quality, I tell you.

  There was another clan of aristocracy around there-five or six families-mostly of the name of Shepherdson. They was as high-toned and well born and rich and grand as the tribe of Grangerfords. The Shepherdsons and Grangerfords used the same steamboat landing, which was about two mile above our house; so sometimes when I went up there with a lot of our folks I used to see a lot of the Shepherdsons there on their fine horses.

  One day Buck and me was away out in the woods hunting, and heard a horse coming. We was crossing the road. Buck says:

  "Quick! Jump for the woods!"

  We done it, and then peeped down the woods through the leaves. Pretty soon a splendid young man come galloping down the road, setting his horse easy and looking like a soldier. He had his gun across his pommel. I had seen him before. It was young Harney Shepherdson. I heard Buck's gun go off at my ear, and Harney's hat tumbled off from his head. He grabbed his gun and rode straight to the place where we was hid. But we didn't wait. We started through the woods on a run. The woods warn't thick, so I looked over my shoulder to dodge the bullet, and twice I seen Harney cover Buck with his gun; and then he rode away the way he come-to get his hat, I reckon, but I couldn't see. I only know Harney coulda had ‘im, if he wanted.

  I got a bad feelin’ in my guts. I thought about that li'l bagger boy what I finished off. He warn't even alive no more. I couldn't imagine killin’ a real live boy. I think I'd toss up my vittles an’ never eat or sleep right ag'in.

  We never stopped running till we got home. The old gentleman's eyes blazed a minute-'twas pleasure, mainly, I judged-then his face sort of smoothed down, and he says, kind of gentle:

  "I don't like that shooting from behind a bush. Why didn't you step into the road, my boy?"

  "The Shepherdsons don't, father. They always take advantage."

  Miss Charlotte she held her head up like a queen while Buck was telling his tale, and her nostrils spread and her eyes snapped. The two young men looked dark, but never said nothing. Miss Sophia she turned pale, but the color come back when she found the man warn't hurt.

  Soon as I could get Buck down by the corn-cribs under the trees by ourselves, I says:

  "Did you want to kill him, Buck?"

  "Well, I bet I did."

  "What did he do to you?"

  "Him? He never done nothing to me."

  "Well, then, what did you want to kill him for?"

  "Why, nothing-only it's on account of the feud."

  "What's a feud?"

  "Why, where was you raised? Don't you know what a feud is?"

  "Never heard of it before-tell me about it."

  "Well,” says Buck, “a feud is this way: A man has a quarrel with another man, and kills him; then that other man's brother kills him; then the other brothers, on both sides, goes for one another; then the cousins chip in-and by and by everybody's killed off, and there ain't no more feud. But it's kind of slow, and takes a long time."

  "Has this one been going on long, Buck?"

  "Well, I should reckon! It started thirty year ago, or som'ers along there. There was trouble ‘bout something, and then a lawsuit to settle it; and the suit went agin one of the men, and so he up and shot the man that won the suit-which he would naturally do, of course. Anybody would."

  "What was the trouble about, Buck?-land?"

  "I reckon maybe-I don't know."

  "Well, who done the shooting? Was it a Grangerford or a Shepherdson?"

  "Laws, how do I know? It was so long ago."

  "Don't anybody know?"

  "Oh, yes, pa knows, I reckon, and some of the other old people; but they don't know now what the row was about in the first place."

  "Has there been many killed, Buck?"

  "Yes; right smart chance of funerals. But they don't always kill. Pa's got a few buckshot in him; but he don't mind it ‘cuz he don't weigh much, anyway. Bob's been carved up some with a bowie, and Tom's been hurt once or twice."

  "Has anybody been killed this year, Buck?"

  "Yes; we got one and they got one. ‘Bout three months ago my cousin Bud, fourteen year old, was riding through the woods on t'other side of the river, and didn't have no weapon with him, which was blame’ foolishness, and in a lonesome place he hears a horse a-coming behind him, and sees old Baldy Shepherdson a-linkin’ after him with his gun in his hand and his white hair a-flying in the wind; and ‘stead of jumping off and taking to the brush, Bud ‘lowed he could out-run him; so they had it, nip and tuck, for five mile or more, the old man a-gaining all the time; so at last Bud seen it warn't any use, so he stopped and faced around so as to have the bullet holes in front, you know, and the old man he rode up and shot him down. But he didn't git much chance to enjoy his luck, for inside of a week our folks laid him out."

  "I reckon that old man was a coward, Buck."

  "I reckon he warn't a coward. Not by a blame’ sight. There ain't a coward amongst them Shepherdsons-not a one. And there ain't no cowards amongst the Grangerfords either. Why, that old man kep’ up his end in a fight one day for half an hour against three Grangerfords, and come out winner. They was all a-horseback; he lit off of his horse and got behind a little woodpile, and kep’ his horse before him to stop the bullets; but the Grangerfords stayed on their horses and capered around the old man, and peppered away at him, and he peppered away at them. Him and his horse both went home pretty leaky and crippled, but the Grangerfords had to be fetched home-and one of ‘em was dead, and another died the next day. No, sir; if
a body's out hunting for cowards he don't want to fool away any time amongst them Shepherdsons, becuz they don't breed any of that kind."

  Next Sunday we all went to church, about three mile, everybody a-horseback. The men took their guns along, so did Buck, and kept them between their knees or stood them handy against the wall. The Shepherdsons done the same. It was pretty ornery preaching-all about

  Judgment an’ Damnation, and such-like tiresomeness; and how the fissythis was runnin’ out of control an’ the bunderlugs was agents of Satan who would shortly turn against mankind; but everybody said it was a good sermon, and they all talked it over going home, and had such a powerful lot to say about faith and good works and free grace and preforeordestination and anything to change the subject away from Judgment and Damnation, and I don't know what all, that it did seem to me to be one of the roughest Sundays I had run across yet.

  We ate and the old gentleman said that the fissythis pox, like all poxes and all things, would ‘ventually run its course and the world would right itself.

  He said there had been ten years or better of fissythis an’ I didn't realize it had been around such a long time. He said it started out as consumption, faraways back, and changed its disposition when it arrived in America. That information was in the books he owned, though he admitted there were not a few minds who were in disagreement over the whole thing.

  "Either way, it'll pass."

  I had to wonder what would become of the workforce if the fissythis really did go away. When all the baggers go back to Hell, who will folks buy and sell? They already set the negros free, so I supposed they'd have to get out there an’ catch Chinamen or A-rabs to pick up the slack.