Fat Assassins (The Fat Adventure Series)

by Fowler, Marita

  “Women are complicated creatures,” Johnny said, patting him on the back. “Let me buy you a beer. What the hell! I’ll buy a round for the whole table.”

  Everyone immediately declined his offer.

  “C’mon. I already apologized to Shasta for roofieing her! When are y’all going to let it go?”

  That caused more grumbles.

  “Fine. Here’s the money,” he offered, handing me a wad of cash. “Shasta can make the drink run and I’ll pay for it.”

  That got him the cheers he had been looking for. I took orders and made my way to bar.

  “Two Michelob Lights, one rum and coke, one 7&7, one Budweiser, one Zima, and a shot of Tequila.”

  Buck poured the shot of tequila and started pulling the beers from the refrigerator.

  “Is the tequila shot for you?” A soft voice whispered behind my ear. “I have fond memories of the last time you drank tequila.”

  I felt chills run all over my body at his nearness. I only had a few days left in Nitro and all I wanted to do was kiss him. But, I’m an assassin and I care too much about him to entangle him in my web of deceit. He put his hand on my hip only inches away from the Desert Eagle strapped to my torso.

  “Things have changed,” I said, pulling away. Buck glanced back and forth between us as he sat the rest of the drinks on the tray. I gave him a ten dollar tip. It was Johnny’s money anyway.

  “What’s changed?” he asked, a steely undertone in his voice. “You mean Agent McCallister?”

  Instead of answering, I grabbed the tray and walked away. He followed me to the table.

  “You can have my seat, Deputy. I’ve got to get the machine setup anyway,” Bubba offered, grabbing a drink from the tray on his way to the stage.

  Ulyssa raised her eyebrow and I shrugged.

  I felt Eric grow ridged next to me as he mumbled, “I should have known he’d show up.”

  I turned to the door and saw Jake standing there wearing his casual clothes. I have to admit he’s dead sexy when he’s not in a suit. He was wearing a long sleeved black, button-up shirt with the top two buttons undone. It was borderline sleazy/sexy. I decided it was sexy because he wasn’t wearing a gaudy gold necklace. His designer jeans looked like they were tailor made for his frame. Every girl at the table sighed, agitating Eric and Johnny.

  “I cain’t believe y’all think that damn Yankee is sexy!” Johnny pouted. Eric just sat there silently watching me, trying to figure out if he had a chance. Jake stopped by the bar for a drink before making his way over to our table.

  “Sorry, no more room,” Johnny said.

  “It’s alright. We can just pull up another table,” Sam said, hopping up to shove another table over to join ours. “Move Johnny!” Johnny got up and scooted the chairs out of the way a split second before Sam would have crushed him between the tables.

  “There we go. Now everybody can sit here.”

  “Thanks,” Jake said, pulling a chair up on the other side of me. He sat his Heineken down on the table. “I don’t think I’ve met everyone.”

  He extended his hand to Sam, Mitsy, then Mitchell. “I’m Special Agent Jake McCallister.”

  Mitsy and Sam sighed again.

  “I’m Sam and this is Mitsy. It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Sam said, with her best Scarlett O’Hare impression. The only thing she was missing was a giant ball-gown and defunct plantation.

  Johnny yawned and stretched his arm across the back of Ulyssa’s chair to mark his territory. She was too absorbed in my anxiety to notice his maneuver. I shifted nervously between Jake and Eric.

  “I’ve never been to karaoke before,” Jake said to me. “How does it work?”

  “You pick a song you want to sing and tell Bubba. Then you sing. Its not rocket science,” I answered.

  “I’ll show you,” Sam offered. “We’ll sing a song together. I’ve got the perfect song.” She ran up and submitted their song request before Jake could protest. Bubba nodded and Sam waved for Jake to join her on stage. He stood up and grinned at me. “I hope this doesn’t change your opinion of me.”

  “Nothing could,” I retorted, as he walked away.

  “This should be good,” Eric chuckled, Johnny giving him a knowing look. It’s dangerous to sing karaoke with Sam. She has a great voice and she usually turns karaoke into a Broadway production complete with dancing. Their grins got bigger when they realized Sam had picked a song from Grease. A millisecond later, their arrogant grins disappeared when he started singing.

  He’s amazing. Jake dropped to his knees and we all leaned forward. Sam kicked him over and started singing. The bar went crazy when he started following her around the stage. This was the closest to theater that most Nitro folks get, so when they finished the entire bar exploded in a standing ovation.

  I stared at Jake all starry eyed like a groupie. I couldn’t date him, but maybe, just maybe, I’d judged him too quickly. Eric looked from my awestruck face to Jake before chugging the rest of his beer. He jumped up from the table and walked over to Bubba, handing him a request. He’d never sang at karaoke and the whole bar grew silent in anticipation. He grabbed the mic off the stand and held it close to his face as the distinct music of Frank Sinatra began to play. He stepped down off the stage and walked over to the table. He leaned close to me and continued to sing. The entire bar stared at us, as he sang I’ve Got You Under My Skin to me. Every woman in the bar sighed as the final notes of the song died away. For those few minutes, I forgot all about our date with the mafia. He gave Jake a smug look as he sat back down. The elevating testosterone levels were starting to smother me. I contemplated shooting myself in the leg to get out of it, but decided a bathroom run would be more subtle.

  I stood up saying, “I have to go to the bathroom.”

  “Me too,” Ulyssa answered, hopping up. Mitsy and Sam joined us on the bathroom expedition.

  “I can’t believe it! They’re having a karaoke war over you!” Sam sighed, leaning back against the bathroom door.

  “She’s got the golden cootie cat!” Ulyssa exclaimed.

  “I think it’s so romantic!” Mitsy breathed.

  “It’s frustrating. I can’t date either one of them, so I wish they’d just cut it out,” I said, reapplying my lipstick.

  “Why can’t you date them?” Mitsy asked.

  “It’s complicated.”

  “Can I have Jake?” Sam asked, nonplussed that I was upset.

  A flush interrupted our conversation, as Virginia Mueller came out of a stall and started washing her hands.

  “Ladies,” she greeted us snobbishly before continuing, “Please don’t stop talking on my account.”

  I’m not saying anything in front of that big ol’ gossip.

  “How’s the Mayor?” Ulyssa asked.

  “Oh, he’s great. Getting ready to start campaigning for next year’s election,” she explained, drying her hands. “Sometimes it’s hard being married to a workaholic, but I always stand by my man.”

  Sam snorted.

  “Seems like you girls are popular tonight,” she continued.

  “It’s all Shasta!” Mitsy bragged on me, not recognizing Virginia’s trap. “Jake and Eric are trying to win her love. It’s so romantic!”

  “Romantic, huh?” Virginia asked, staring at me in the mirror, as she smoothed her hair. “You know the closer you get to thirty, the harder it is to lose weight. You should hurry and marry one of them. Otherwise, those pounds will keep packing on and you’ll never find a man.”

  Ulyssa stuck her hand inside her jacket like she was going to pull her gun on Virginia.

  I shook my head to stop her.

  Virginia paused to extract a mirror and lipstick from her designer purse. After she finished reapplying the burnt orange color to her lips, she blew a kiss to her image, and returned the items to her purse. Leaning closer to Ulyssa, she whispered, “You might want to rethink that top. It’s a little too clingy for your body type.”

  “That’s rude
!” Mitsy chastised Virginia.

  “Hold my earrings!” Sam snarled, getting ready to brawl.

  Virginia looked nonplussed as she curled her fingers in a catlike wave and waltzed toward the door.

  “Let her go. It’s not worth it,” Mitsy said. “She’s mad she doesn’t have two hotties fighting over her.”

  “Damn straight,” Sam added. “Let’s do a shot!” We stopped by the bar and did a shot of tequila before going back to the table. An awkward silence hung between the men.

  “Eric bet me that I couldn’t get you to sing with me,” Jake said, before I sat down. “He said you were his girl and you couldn’t sing with anyone but him.”

  I glared at Eric and felt the anger pushing the tequila through my veins faster. “I’m nobody’s girl and I’ll sing with whoever I want to.”

  “Great!” Jake said, grabbing my hand and dragging me onstage. “I’ve already picked out a song.”

  The slow melody of the most famous Dirty Dancing song poured from the speakers as Jake’s deep, rich voice filled the bar. I started singing, but I paled in comparison. He spun me around, doing dance moves straight out of the movie. The crowd went nuts. Especially when he jumped off the stage and danced between the tables, never missing a word. Every woman in the bar was transfixed by his manliness. He started pulling people out of their seats to dance. He started dancing back to me and jumped on the stage. He twirled me around before tilting me backwards for a head spinning finish. I gave him a goofy smile from my upside down position.

  “What the...” I blurted, as he ran his hand up my ribcage.

  Damn. I forgot about the gun!

  I instinctively shoved his hand off my waist.

  His grip slipped and my back slammed into the floor. Jake seemed pretty proud of his performance, despite the comical grand finale.

  I looked at Eric. He was fuming. It would be impossible to top this one. Even Johnny was clapping. I grabbed another round of drinks from the bar before sitting back down. I needed the precious few minutes away from the guys to clear my head. I was so confused by all the pheromones. I looked over my shoulder. Damn. Life isn’t fair. I stomped back over to the table and slammed the tray down on the table. I sat there frustrated as everyone grabbed their drinks from the tray shouting their thanks.

  I glanced towards the door and saw Jennifer walk in. I gave her smile and wave, so she’d know she was welcome to join us. Tater came in the door behind her and started towards our table. He stopped short when he saw Jake and shook his head. He gave a quick wave as he disappeared back out the door. I guess he was still nervous about the Home Depot supply run.

  “Looks like I win, Deputy Dog,” Jake challenged Eric.

  “Not yet. I’ve got one more song.”

  “Ha. There’s no way you can top my last performance.”

  “Yeah, man. That was pretty good. Can you show me some of those moves?” Johnny asked, scooting his chair closer to Jake. “I’ve been trying to impress Ulyssa for a while now. But she hasn’t fallen for any of my charms.”

  “Sure. No problem.”

  “Hey! Who’s side are you on?” Eric asked.

  “Man, it ain’t nothing personal. She drives me crazy and I’m a-getting desperate. I need some love magic voodoo or something.”

  “Why don’t you sing her a song? It worked for me,” Jake said, caressing my hand.

  His smooth touch made me shiver.

  Eric grabbed my other hand and looked directly into my eyes. “This is for you and I really mean it.”

  Jennifer sat down at the table across from Jake. “Hey y’all! Did I miss anything exciting?”

  “You didn’t miss too much,” Mitchell said. “Just Jake and Eric singing all night to Shasta.”

  She looked at Mitchell with deer eyes. “Really? That is sooooo sweet! I sure wish somebody liked me enough to sing to me.”

  Mitchell gulped and turned towards the stage.

  Bubba seemed annoyed that our table was monopolizing the microphone and whispered something to Eric when he walked on stage. Eric nodded his agreement as Bubba handed him the karaoke weapon. He held it close to his mouth imitating Enrique Inglesias. He walked over, and pulled me from my seat and began to sway slowly. I was drawn into his song and it felt like we were the only two people on the planet. When the song finished I looked around at the other couples who had started slow dancing during the intoxicating song. Johnny gave Eric a thumbs up from where he had been slow dancing with Ulyssa. Her eyes flew open catching him mid-gloat and we laughed as she punched him in the gut. Mitchell and Jennifer were still seated at the table with Sam and Jake, who was looking exasperated.

  “What did Bubba say to you?” Mitsy asked, when we sat back down.

  “He said that we need to give other folks a chance. We’ll have to wait a little while before we sing again.”

  We murmured agreement. We’d been the main show for over an hour now.

  Bubba eventually lifted our moratorium, after the list of singers dwindled and he was having a hard time finding participants. Johnny pointed the microphone at Ulyssa and started singing Every Breath You Take. The guys groaned at his poor song choice. It was difficult to sit through 4 minutes of Johnny belting out a stalker song. We all clapped at the end, glad it was over. He was proud as a peacock as he came strolling back over to sit down.

  “You’re a grade-A stalker!” Ulyssa said.

  “Yeah. You start carrying duct tape and rope in your trunk and I’ll have to put you on a watchlist,” Eric joked.

  “I think it’s time we call it a night,” I said. “We’ve got a long couple days ahead of us.”

  Ulyssa looked sad to leave asking, “How bout we sing a group song before we go?”

  “Ohhh. That’d be fun,” Jennifer answered. “I ain’t never sang karaoke and it would be easier to do in a group.” The whole table rumbled in agreement.

  “Okay. One song. What are we singing?” I asked.

  “Bohemian Rhapsody! It’s my favorite!” Mitchell insisted.

  The table rumbled again in agreement. Mitsy took the request to Bubba and we waited for our turn. The stage wasn’t designed for a nine-person karaoke performance, so the guys grabbed the wireless microphone and stood offstage while the girls huddled around the stage microphone stand. We let the guys sing the first verse. I’d never really listened to the words of the song, but tonight when the words for the second verse popped on the karaoke machine, I stared at Ulyssa. This was our way to confess, apologize and say goodbye in one fell swoop.

  As our verse ended, Jake and Eric started shoving each other, fighting to get closer to the microphone. Johnny used the opportunity to grab the microphone from Mitchell and sing a short solo. Oblivious to the escalating mosh pit, we kept singing. Mitchell dropped the microphone to grab Johnny in a headlock, while Eric and Jake rolled on the floor in a drunken wrestling match.

  And the girls kept singing.

  Bubba hopped off the stage to pull Mitchell and Johnny apart. Johnny stopped fighting once he realized Mitchell didn’t have the microphone. He helped Bubba pull the law officers apart. They all stood there like street brawlers with torn shirts and dirty pants.

  “What was that all about?” Jennifer asked.

  Mitsy leaned over and whispered, “Shasta’s golden cooty cat!”

  I rolled my eyes and stepped down off the stage. “You ready to go now?”

  “Yup. I think we’ve done enough damage here for tonight.”

  We grabbed our stuff and gave Sam, Mitsy and Mitchell a hug. “You guys have been great friends!”

  Surprised by our unusual show of affection, Sam gave us an odd look. “You too. Are you guys going on a trip or something? You’re acting weird, like you ain’t never coming back.”

  “No. Nothing like that. We’re going on a little vacation, but we’ll be back. We’re just a little nervous since we’ve never really left the state before,” Ulyssa responded.

  “Where ya going?” Johnny asked.


  “We’re doing a road trip up the East Coast.”

  “How long will you be gone?” he asked, sounding disheartened.

  “I don’t know. We’re just kinda playing it by ear right now.”

  “We’ll miss ya. Hurry back,” Sam added, in a rare show of emotion.

  Johnny, Eric and Jake followed us outside. Ulyssa gave Johnny a hug and told him goodbye. I gave Eric a hug. No harm in that since tomorrow I might die. The feeling of his warm chiseled body made me rethink the Atlantic City trip. Jake cleared his throat impatiently and I pushed Eric away.

  “Fine. You get a hug too.” He pulled me tightly against his chest.

  Double damn. I’m kinda glad I’m leaving, so I don’t have to decide between ‘em.

  “Y’all okay to drive?” Eric asked.

  “Yeah, I stopped drinking a couple hours ago,” Ulyssa answered, as we loaded into the Pinto and waved goodbye to the men who adored us. Being a criminal is a lonely life.

  “We have to agree. No more men. They complicate things,” I sniffed, as we drove away.

  “Agreed.”

  “You got everything?” I asked.

  “Yeah. I’m only taking enough toothpaste for a couple days.”

  “Me too. I’m taking my blowdryer and styling brushes, so you don’t have to pack yours. Did you grab the shampoo, conditioner and shower gel?”

  “Yup. I think we’re ready.” We stood and surveyed the trailer for what might be the last time.

  “C’mon. Let’s get a-move on. We still have to stop and say goodbye to our parents.”

  Ulyssa waved an envelope at me saying, “I almost forgot!”

  Last night we’d written a will detailing who gets our stuff if we don’t come back. It wasn’t notarized or anything, but I hoped that whoever found it would honor our wishes. The trailer would go to Tater, so he could move off his mama’s land. Our clothes would go to Sam since she was the only one in town close to our size and fashion sense. Mitsy would get my sidekick. Our personal items and knickknacks would be split between our parents. All of our possessions were summed up in four sentences. Ulyssa laid the sealed letter on the counter where it would be easy to find. We walked out the door and locked it behind us.