Fat Assassins (The Fat Adventure Series)

by Fowler, Marita

  “Bye.” Ulyssa gave the trailer a little wave and I sniffed from the passenger seat. It was sad to say goodbye to our home of five years. We only had a couple minutes to pull it together before we got to my parent’s house.

  We’d decided it would be best to surprise our parents with a visit. If we ‘scheduled’ a visit - they might get suspicious of our motives. Besides an unplanned visit meant we could leave quicker because we’d have intruded on their day.

  Mom and dad were in the back doing some gardening when we arrived. We walked around the back to the greenhouse and entered unannounced.

  “Hey, sweetheart!” Mom greeted, walking up to give me a hug. “You brought Ulyssa with you today. What a treat! Colm, don’t be rude, say hello!”

  My dad shouted a greeting from the midst of the vegetation.

  “What are you working on? I thought flowers only grew in Spring?” Ulyssa asked.

  “Oh. Um. Well, we have special flowers that we care for all year round. We’ve been raising them for years. Brought them over from California with us. They’re a very special breed.”

  “Wow. They sounds cool. Can I see?”

  “Sure. C’mon on back. I’ll warn ya though. They ain’t much to look at.”

  Botany didn’t interest me, so I’d spent most of my childhood avoiding the greenhouse. But it felt special to share this moment with them before we headed cross country.

  “Here they are...” she said, gesturing towards some tall, leafy plants.

  I gasped.

  “Aren’t those marijuana plants?” Ulyssa stammered.

  “Don’t be silly. Can’t you see the flowers? Marijuana plants don’t have blooms like this.”

  I leaned closer noticing small strips of scotch tape holding the flower blooms on the stems.

  “Mom! Taping flowers to the plant doesn’t make it NOT pot!”

  “Well, you’re sure smarter than those FBI agents that were out here the other day.”

  “You showed the FBI your pot farm?” I asked.

  “Not intentionally. They showed up unannounced and we freaked out when they showed us their badges,” she explained, nervously fidgeting with the faux pot flowers.

  “What did you do?”

  “We ran.”

  “Huh?”

  “We ran off. Down the street and into the woods.”

  “So, let me see if got this straight. The FBI shows up, flashes their credentials and you take off running down the street to escape into the woods?” I asked, incredulously.

  “Yeah. We didn’t get far into the woods though. The branches hurt our feet pretty bad. We’re going to start wearing shoes on naked day from now on.”

  “Wait! You were naked the whole time?”

  “Well... yeah! It was Wednesday, naked day. That made it worse because you know we don’t usually get visitors on naked day. Since we tried to run, they insisted on a quick search of the house and yard. Looking back on it, I guess we did act kinda suspicious. But the agents were real nice after they chased us down. It turned out they weren’t looking for us specifically. They had some questions about an explosion near a power plant or something.”

  Jake had chased my naked parents into the woods and then discovered their small town pot farm. I’m glad I didn’t know this last night at Buck’s, I would have been too humiliated to enjoy the night.

  “Why would they be looking for you?” Ulyssa asked, not missing a beat.

  Colm emerged from the plants, walking over to join us. He draped an arm across Mom’s shoulders. “It’s okay Willow. I think it’s time we told Shasta.”

  “Told me what?”

  “Your mom and I had a misunderstanding with the police when we were youngsters in California. We did some jailtime.”

  “It was one day to be exact,” Mom added.

  My parents have a criminal record?

  “Must have been a big misunderstanding if you were in the slammer,” I speculated.

  “It was criminal impersonation,” Dad said.

  “What does that mean?” I asked, really confused now. “You were pretending to be criminals?”

  “We were running with a rough crowd during our younger days and one of our associates gave us the name of someone he knew that made fake IDs for a cheap price,” he explained, shrugging his shoulders. “We were only twenty and wanted to party, so we drove over there and bought a couple fake IDs. We quickly found out the real reason they were so cheap.”

  He paused while I tried to absorb the information.

  “And...” I asked.

  “We got arrested trying to use them at the local liquor store. Apparently the people we were impersonating were criminals with outstanding warrants for their arrests. They put us in jail while we were trying to figure out what was going on.”

  “This was long before computers so it was a slow process,” Mom added.

  “But they figured it out, right?”

  “We didn’t stick around to find out.”

  “What?”

  “No way. We busted outta jail the first opportunity we got.”

  “How did you get away?” Ulyssa asked, really intrigued with the story.

  “It was all Willow. She saved us.”

  Mom blushed and said, “It wasn’t that hard.”

  “What did you do?” I asked, afraid to hear the answer.

  “Well, it was a small jail with only two jailers and one holding cell. There was a toilet in the cell but it was right out in open and I didn’t want to use it. So, I asked them if I could use the main bathroom.”

  “Then you snuck out the window?” Ulyssa deduced.

  “Nope. But that’s exactly what I wanted them to think. So I left the window open and hid in a linen closet. I waited for them to leave and then I freed Colm. We stole the keys to one of the police cruisers, traded it to one of our friends for a VW beetle van and headed cross country. That’s how we ended up in Nitro.”

  I was stunned.

  My mom gave me a reassuring pat and continued, “Everything happens for a reason. You were conceived in the back of the van during the road trip. So, if we hadn’t been arrested and escaped, you might not have been born.”

  “A VW van? That’s explains a lot,” Ulyssa smirked.

  “Ew. Okay. That’s enough,” I said. “I guess we should get going. We’re taking our own road trip and wanted to say goodbye before we got on the road.”

  “Oh. That sounds like fun. Where are you going?”

  “We’re heading to the East Coast. Not sure on the exact destination yet. Figured we’d play it by ear.”

  “Well, be safe and give us a call if you need anything.”

  “We will,” I replied, giving each of them a hug. “I love you two criminals!”

  “We love you too,” they said, giving Ulyssa hugs too.

  “Let’s us know that you made it okay when you get there, so we don’t worry about you.”

  “Okay,” we said, waving goodbyes as we walked out of the greenhouse. “Bye!”

  I gulped away my sadness. My parents are weird, but they’re good parents. It was hard to tell them goodbye.

  “I see where you get your criminal skills,” Ulyssa joked, trying to cheer me up. “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

  “No kidding.”

  “I can’t believe they let the FBI search their pot farm. Do you think Jake knew it was marijuana?” I asked.

  “I think he knew and he let it slide because of the golden cootie cat!”

  I wiped the last tear from my eye.

  “Continue to use it for the forces of good!”

  That made me grin. “I wonder how many people in town know that my parents have a stash?”

  “I didn’t know.”

  “Yeah, but we don’t run in the drug circles. At least I thought we didn’t! I feel like everything I knew about them has just been turned upside down. This whole time I thought they were descendants of a long, line of California hippies. I never woulda guessed they
were using it as a cover. Crazy!”

  “I hope you’re not max’d out on crazy yet. We still have to stop by my house!”

  There was only one car in the driveway when we pulled into the Grants’ driveway.

  “Looks like Dad isn’t here.”

  Maria came running out of the house, reaching the Pinto before we’d managed to shut the doors. Jesus sprinted out the door behind her and made a direct path for me. He attacked my leg as Maria grabbed Ulyssa in a hug. I lifted my leg and tried to shake him off, but his teeth were firmly locked around the hem of my jeans and the motion sent his little body swaying back and forth making him growl more.

  “Come in. Come in. I just made lunch.”

  I followed behind them dragging a persistent Jesus. Maria ushered us inside and sat us down at the table. My stomach growled as she shoveled Chicken Fettucini and Alfredo sauce onto our plates.

  “Here girls. Eat!” she said, sitting down to her plate and crossing herself.

  I must have been stress eating because I cleared the plate without a second wind. Meanwhile, Jesus was still busy having a Levi Strauss sandwich.

  “That was really delicious, Mrs. Grant!”

  “No problem,” she said, waving her hand. “I saw the suitcases in your car. You going on a trip?”

  Dang. Darth Guilt has x-ray vision!

  “Yeah. We’re going on a road trip,” Ulyssa answered.

  “Where are you going?”

  “We’re heading up the East Coast. Maybe New York.”

  “Dios Mios. Hold on,” she interrupted, getting up to scamper into the living room. She returned and handed Ulyssa a small charm explaining, “It’s Saint Christopher, Patron Saint of Travelers. He will keep you safe. If you get stuck and need money, call us. Don’t become hookers. I read these stories about runaways who go to New York and become hookers because they got a-no choice. You’re good girls. No hooking. Or drugs!”

  Does she know about my parents’ drug farm?

  “Thanks mom!” Ulyssa said, tucking the charm into her pocket. “When do you think Dad will be back? We wanted to say goodbye before we got on the road.”

  “He’s over in Hurricane at that reenactment and probably won’t be back until after 5. I guess today is a big battle or something. I don’t listen to him all the time. He talks too much. Oh, wait. He did leave tickets for you, in case you came by,” she said, grabbing the tickets and handing them to Ulyssa. “You should stop by and see him.”

  “Okay. We will. We should probably get going. We’ve got a long drive ahead of us.”

  We stood up and made our way to the door. I waited on the threshold while Ulyssa bent down to detach the crazed Chihuahua from my leg. She scratched his head and handed him over to Maria.

  “Bye, mom!” Ulyssa said, kissing her cheek and giving her a big hug. “We’ll give you a call to let you know we made it safely.”

  “Bye, girls.” Maria replied, her eyes were watering. “Remember. No hooking!”

  We waved goodbye for the gazillionth time this weekend as we backed out of the driveway in the Pinto.

  “Do you mind if we go by Hurricane? I’d really like to say goodbye to Dad.”

  “Sure. No problem.”

  I was surprised to see all the different types of cars parked at the reenactment. Everything from pickup trucks to Prius and Lexus. That destroys my stereotype of Civil War re-enactors. Ulyssa wheeled the car sideways onto a bank near the entrance. It didn’t look like an official parking spot, but it would work. We followed the signs down the trail until we reached a ticket booth.

  “Tater?”

  “Hey cuz!”

  “Dang. You’re into everything!”

  “Trying to makes ends meet. The legal way. Sorry I didn’t join y’all at the bar last night. There’s still too much heat.”

  “No problem. I’m glad I ran into you today though ‘cause I wanted to say goodbye. We’re heading out tonight on a road trip. Not sure when we’ll be back.”

  “Where ya going?”

  “New York.” Somehow we had simplified the road trip lie into a single answer.

  “Awesome! Would you bring me back one of them I heart New York t-shirts. XXXL? I always wanted one.”

  “Sure. Have you seen Mr. Grant come through here? We wanted to say goodbye to him.”

  “Yeah. He’s down on field two with the infantry.”

  “Thanks. See ya later.”

  We reached a fork in the path and followed signs down to field two. We arrived in the middle of a very convincing battle. Each side had people who were running water out to the soldiers. People were falling down all over the field pretending to be dead. We saw Gerald over by the cannons ordering a bunch of soldiers around. We walked over to the bleachers arranged along the edges of the battlefield, where observers were cheering for their side in the battle. At the intermission, we walked down to talk to Gerald. He was surprised to see us and gave Ulyssa a hug as we walked up.

  “Hey girls! Glad you could make it! Come ‘ere. I want to show you them Ketchum grenades I was telling you about. They’re nifty,” he yelled over the noise. “Meryl! You got them Ketchum’s with ya?”

  Meryl greeted us as he pulled a couple metal items from a box. “Here ya go.”

  I almost dropped the one he handed me.

  “Whoa there. Be careful cause they’re live.”

  I wrapped two hands around the grenade and waved it at Ulyssa. Her eyes expanded to saucers. This is what we’d been throwing out of our grave. We killed Marcus with a Civil War grenade!

  “They’re cool, ain’t they?” Gerald asked, through our stunned silence. “This here is what detonates it.” He pointed at the flat nose of the grenade. “It has to land nose first on something solid like the ground or something. Otherwise it won’t blow up.”

  “If there is a pile of grenades and one detonates near them, will it blow them all up?” I croaked.

  Meryl scratched his head answering, “I reckon. The reverberations from the explosions could detonate the others. That would be a pretty big explosion. Why?”

  “Just wondering how dangerous these things are,” I said, handing the grenade back to him.

  “It would certainly kill a man, but you don’t have to worry. I packed these real good using styrofoam to hold them in place so they don’t accidentally detonate.”

  “That’s good. Safety first.”

  Ulyssa saved me from further discussion by telling her dad about the road trip. He seemed excited about our adventure and handed her some money saying, “Here ya go. Just hold onto it in case you get in a pinch.”

  “Yeah. Mom already warned us not to turn to crime if we get desperate in New York.”

  He laughed and gave us a hug. “Have a safe trip and give your mom a call when you get there.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  A bugle blasted across the battlefield.

  “You better get back to the battle. Bye!”

  The car was heavy with sadness and introspection as we started our nine hour journey. We’d planned to stop in three different states to pick up our supplies. This would reduce the likelihood of flagging law enforcement with our purchases. After three hours, we pulled into Target in Morgantown, West Virginia to pick up backpacks and snacks. I grabbed the cooler and snacks while Ulyssa went in search of backpacks.

  She came back with two sinister backpacks. Hello Kitty and Barbie.

  “Seriously?”

  “It’s back-to-school season and they’re all sold out of everything except these... or Buzz Lightyear. You pick.”

  “I’ll take Hello Kitty.”

  “I thought you might,” she said, peeking in the cart. “Yummy. You got Little Debbies!”

  “They’re designed for road trips. One cake for each hand!”

  “We should get the matches here too.”

  “Good idea. I’ll grab ‘em while you wait in line.”

  Our second stop was a Wal-Mart in Frederick, Maryland. We started picking up some
of the more sinister items here. Twist-ties, plastic tarps, rope and lighter fluid. I decided to add a candle lighter to the pile. We bought the last items, knifes and rope, at a Lowes outside Philadelphia. The store was surprisingly busy for 6AM on a Monday.

  Daylight was stretching across the horizon as we pulled over an hour later to divide up the items into our backpacks. We threw the trash into a giant dumpster in Atlantic City, satisfied that it would take a lot of work to reconstruct our path of intent. Ulyssa navigated the Pinto around the turns in the Showboat parking garage, finally picking a spot on the third level. Despite napping in shifts, I still felt groggy. But my sleepiness dissipated when a chilly ocean breeze blew threw us as we stepped out of the car. I gave the car a final pat as we walked off wearing our deadly backpacks. “Do you mind if we have a quick look at the boardwalk before we go inside? I thought it might be nice since we’ve never seen the ocean before.”

  “Good idea!”

  We walked around the outside of the casino to the boardwalk. The sand and water stretched as far as the eye could see. There was a soothing rhythm to the waves. The boardwalk was deserted with only a few dedicated tourists wandering down the planks. The amusement park rides at the end of the pier seemed to be silently waiting for spring. We enjoyed a few deep breaths of the ocean air.

  “You ready to do this?” Ulyssa asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “You’ve been a great friend.”

  “You too. Let’s do this.”

  We stepped inside the doors and stood in front of the House of Blues restaurant. Nicolo will know we’re here and send his goons. It’s how it always works in the movies and we weren’t disappointed as the giant forms of Joey and Donnie came lumbering down the hallway.

  “Hallo! Glad yous could make it!” Joey greeted us. He led us back up the hallway to a set of elevators and said, “This way girls!” Joey and Donnie held the elevator doors for us before stepping inside after us.

  “Nice backpacks! Yous got some crayons in there? You could be the Crayola killas!” Donnie taunted us. He interrupted his own comedic monologue to stop a family from getting on the elevator with us. “Fahgetaboutit! This elevator is full. Take the next one.”