Beautifully Broken

by Amanda Bennett

  “I feel bad leaving you when you’re sick.” He brushed my hair to the side planting small kisses along my neck.

  “Gray you have to go. You don’t have a choice. I’ll be fine, I promise.” I turned and kissed the tip of his nose before heading out to the kitchen. I started to brew a cup of coffee. The aroma was the sweetest smell. My lips turned up in a smile. There wasn’t much in the way of food at my house, so I told Gray we would have to stop by Starbucks for a muffin on our way to the airport.

  I watched the illuminated numbers on the dash of my car, as we grew closer to the airport. It was only six in the morning but everybody seemed to be on the road, going who knows where at this hour. My stomach was suddenly extremely nervous. It felt like a thousand butterflies taking flight. I tried to swallow the lump that was growing in my throat. I couldn’t tell if I was going to be sick or pass out, but one of them was more than likely to happen in the next couple of seconds.

  “Gray pull over quick.” I screamed. The car hit the gravel on the shoulder of the highway and I flew out of the car before Gray could even put it in park.

  I heaved the non-existent contents of my stomach on the side of the highway. Great, this is so not how I wanted this day to go. I slid back into the passenger seat after I was finished leaving my stomach on the side of the road, Gray ran his hand back through my hair. His look was one of disapproval, but he continued driving the last ten miles to the airport without saying a word.

  I held my breath as the car inched closer to the departure drop off zone. “You don’t want me to go in with you?” I was starting to panic. I didn’t know I was going to have to say my good-byes in a fast fashion. “Gray are you serious right now?” My voice raised an octave higher than normal.

  His hand rested on my knee as he pulled up to the curb. “Baby, I think it’s best if we do it this way. I don’t want to make this any harder on you than it already is.” His eyes refused to look at me. He was being a coward.

  “This isn’t about me. You just don’t want to feel any guiltier than you already do. I can’t believe you. This is how you really want to leave things? You are an ass Gray Elliot Weston, a giant ass.” I pushed open the passenger door and slammed it shut with everything I had in me. I stood in front of the hood of my car, staring at Gray through the windshield with my hands on my hips. He hadn’t gotten out of the car yet and I was now fuming while he was trying to ignore me.

  A minute later he was reaching for the handle on the inside and the door sprang open. He started walking to me before retrieving his luggage from the trunk. I knew this was going to end in a fight, but I was standing my ground.

  He stood in front of me with his arms crossed over his puffed out chest. The sight of his T-shirt hugging his bulging biceps was affecting me, more than I would have liked to admit at that moment. His piercing blue eyes met mine a moment later; I was melting beneath his stare. I tried to keep my stance but his gaze was more than I could handle. How could I stay mad at him, when he looks SO DAMN GOOD!

  His hand came up to my cheek a second later. “Why do you have to make things so damn difficult woman? You’re absolutely right. I AM trying to make this easier on ME. It’s fucking killing me to have to leave you. You are delusional if you think that I’m doing okay with all of this.” His hand dropped from my face and he began raking it through his polished brown hair. I dropped my hands from my hips and reached for his arm, but he pulled away.

  “If this is how it’s going to be the whole time I’m gone, then….” His eyes finally met mine again. “I don’t want to be fighting with you for the next twenty-two weeks Bennett. I WON’T do it!” I could see the anger bubbling up inside of him. His hands clasped my face in between them, “I can’t stand fighting with you and I love you far too much to do it. I don’t want you to feel insecure. It’s not you. You know me Bennett. I’m your Gray. I’m the same guy I have always been.” He let out a loud sigh before his lips were pressed firmly against mine.

  My anger melted away instantly as I stood on my tip toes, wrapping my arms around his neck. He tried to pull away some time later, but I couldn’t let go. I held to him for dear life and lost myself in his mouth. I let every intimate detail from the last week flash through my mind, fueling my desire for him right then and there. Eventually, I pulled back knowing he had to leave. I pulled his palm up to my lips and gently kissed it. I stood staring at him for the next few minutes as he gathered his belongings from the trunk. I already felt lost and alone, and he hadn’t even left yet.

  We kissed a few more times and said our ‘I love you’ and ‘good-byes’ and then he was off. I watched as he crossed the small walkway heading inside the airport. “GRAY WAIT!” I ran the short distance to where he was standing. “I forgot to give you this.” I pulled the letter I had written him last night out the back pocket of my jeans. “Read it after you take off, okay?”

  “I promise.” He kissed me one last time. I blew a quick kiss and waved my final good-bye after I got back to the car. He did the same and I climbed into my car with tears starting to spill down my cheeks. My head fell against the steering wheel as my crying jarred my body. A car horn sounded behind me, making me jump. I checked the rearview mirror before pulling out into the rest of the airport traffic. I looked behind me one last time as the tears continued to cloud my vision. He was gone. This was going to be the longest five and a half months, EVER!

  Eleven

  Gray and I had spoken at least three times a day, for the three weeks. He was settling into his new routine of getting up at five o’clock every morning, and I was still trying to fight off the bug I had when he had left. Mrs. Weston had come by at least once a day to make sure I was doing okay, and eating something of substance. It was nice to have a mother figure around again. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed out on, not having a mother.

  I heard my phone go off for the second time in a row but I was otherwise in disposed. I was literally at the point of throwing up absolutely nothing but stomach acid. My esophagus was burning. I could feel the layers of tissue disintegrating inside my throat. I quickly rinsed my mouth out with water and ran to catch my phone, before it stopped ringing again.

  I was too late. By the time I made it into my room and grabbed my phone, the screen flashed two missed calls from Gray. I slid the bar across to call him back hoping I could catch him, before he was headed to class. It went straight to voicemail. I cursed under my breath as I checked the three missed text messages. One was from Hannah and the other two were from Gray.

  HOPE YOUR DOING OK

  LOVE. I JUST WANTED

  TO LET YOU KNOW

  HOW MUCH I MISS YOU!

  I’LL TRY CALLING IN A MINUTE

  BEFORE CLASS!

  LOVE YOU

  G

  My heart sped up as I read the last line. I missed him so much; I could barely breath most days. I checked the other one before checking Hannah’s.

  I’M GETTING READY TO LEAVE

  MY 1ST BORING ASS CLASS

  AND WANTED TO SAY HI. I’M

  CALLING YOU IN 2 SECONDS,

  YOU BETTER ANSWER:)

  G

  My face fell and my heart felt heavy. This was the first time I had missed his call. I quickly typed out a text back to him, hoping he would see it first thing when he got out of his next class.

  I HOPE YOU’RE HAVING AN

  AMAZINGLY BORING DAY;)

  I MISS YOU MORE THAN

  WORDS COULD EXPRESS.

  SORRY I MISSED YOUR CALL

  I’M STILL FEELING LIKE CRAP!

  YOUR MOM MADE ME A DOCTORS

  APPOINTMENT FOR TOMORROW,

  HOPEFULLY IT IS JUST THE FLU.

  CALL ME WHEN YOU CAN.

  LOVE YOU ALWAYS

  B

  I hit send before calling Hannah, instead of texting her back. We had only been in school for two weeks, but I’m sure she had some gossip from her sister to share.

  “Hey, where have you been all day?” Her voice
was high pitched and full of worry.

  “Sorry Han. I have been stuck in the bathroom all day. It’s getting ridiculous. I’m thinking I should just move my bed into the bathroom, or the toilet next to my bed. One or the other.” A laugh escaped between my lips. I missed laughing. It seemed all I did lately was cry, be depressed or throw up, none of which were fun by any means.

  “Bennett, I think you should go to the doctor. It doesn’t sound like it’s the flu anymore.” There was a long pause, “HOLY SHIT!”

  I pulled the phone away from my ear as she screamed. “Well, now that I am officially deaf. What the fuck is your issue Han?”

  I heard her take in a deep breath, before she decided to grace me with her new found knowledge, “Bennett, when is the last time you had your period? Think about it Bennett did you and Gray ever use protection? Honestly?”

  I tried to swallow past the bile that was creeping up my throat. My mind was racing trying to put 2 and 2 together, when I finally found the words to answer Hannah’s question. “We used protection every time, except, except for the first time in the tree house. Oh shit and the time later that night.” I could barely catch my breath. My vision became blurry and I couldn’t think straight. “Hannah?”

  “Yeah I’m here.”

  “What if I’m pregnant?” The words barely came out in an audible tone. My brain was in shock. If I were pregnant, it would ruin everything. “Hannah, Gray and I just officially started dating and we’re technically not even together right now. Holy shit Hannah, this cannot be fucking happening. How could I be so fucking stupid and irresponsible? I can’t tell him Hannah. If this is what it is, he CAN’T know!” My hand came to rest on my lower abdomen as I listened for Hannah to give me some words of wisdom, in an already fucked up situation.

  “Bennett you can’t be serious. Slow down for a second. Of course you have to tell Gray. He is the father. He would want to know something like this. I honestly think, he would be happy about it.” I could hear the faint trace of happiness in her voice and it scared the shit out of me.

  “NO HANNAH! He would leave me. He is going to think I trapped him, like I did this on purpose. Oh my God, what am I going to do?” I could feel the hot tears falling down my clammy cheeks. I swiped away the ones that I could catch but in a minute flat, I was all but balling my eyes out.

  “I’m on my way over. Stay there Bennett! I’m serious, I’ll be right over.”

  Our phone call ended second later. I sat cross-legged on my bed staring into my closet. I was at a loss for words, in the midst of trying to comprehend the never-ending thoughts that were floating through my mind. I hadn’t heard Hannah let herself into my house, until she was sitting next to me. Her arm rest around my shoulders as I pushed my face into her chest. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

  Eventually, I pulled myself together. As I emerged from the bathroom I noticed Hannah holding a long white and pink box. It only took me a second to figure out exactly what it was.

  I cocked my head to the side with my brows pulled together, “Hannah, I’m not taking that!” I knew it was inevitable that I was going to have to or suffer through the rest of today and all day tomorrow before seeing a doctor. I rolled my eyes at her out stretched hand, and then ripped the box from her fingers. “I’m only doing this to prove you wrong, understand?” With a nod of her head, I turned around and slowly walked the five feet back into my bathroom.

  After I closed the door, I stood staring at the little white and pink box that would change our lives forever. I wasn’t ready to be a mom, even if by some miracle Gray was ready. I pulled the contents out of the box, did as the instructions said and waited the three longest minutes of my life. I couldn’t bring myself to look at the stick myself. I covered my eyes and motioned for Hannah to come read it. I took a deep breath and held it in until Hannah spoke.

  “I’m so sorry Bennett.” Her arms were already wrapped around me as I struggled to break free from her tight hold. “I promise, everything will be okay. We can figure this out.” Her words were meant to be encouraging and supportive but they were anything but. She finally let her arms fall to her sides. She wasn’t looking at me and I felt hurt. I know I was pushing her away but still, she was all I had.

  I reached for the stick to see the results for myself. Sure enough, clear as day two pink lines were staring back at me. “I can’t believe this happened. We were so careful every other time. It was just that once.” I brushed the loose strands of hair back that had fallen out of my ponytail.

  “You know how the saying goes, it only takes one time.” The sadness in her voice struck my heart with blunt force. I was instantly kneeling down on the floor holding my face in my hands, while the tears continued to roll down my already swollen cheeks.

  “I can’t keep it Hannah.” I whispered low, not knowing if I wanted her to hear me.

  “Bennett, this isn’t the end of the world. I think you would be an amazing mother. Hell, I even think Gray would be an amazing father. Any child would be lucky to have the both of you for parents.”

  I lifted my chin enough to see her face. She looked calm and peaceful, almost content with my news. “Han, I’m not ready and neither is Gray. He still has nineteen weeks left. I know it doesn’t seem that long, but in pregnancy months that was a lifetime. Fuck! Christ Hannah, I’m only eighteen years old. I’m still a fucking kid. This is all wrong. All of this is just wrong. This isn’t how it was supposed to go.” My head fell back against the cool tile wall. I just sat there staring at the ceiling. No more tears were shed and no words were spoken. The only sounds were that of my racing heart and Hannah’s shallow breaths.

  Hannah peeled me from the bathroom floor quite some time later. I told her I was tired and needed to get some rest. She was hesitant to leave, but respected my wishes and did just that. I heard the front door close a minute later and I closed my heavy eyes, waiting for sleep to envelop me. Needless to say, it didn’t happen quickly. Gray tried calling me twice, before I finally drifted off to sleep without calling him back, or even listening to his voicemails. My phone alerted me to two text messages following the phone calls but I ignored them as well.

  The rising sun shone through my window like a burning flame. I could feel its rays warming my cheeks, to the point of discomfort. My head felt like a fifty-ton boulder was sitting right on my temple. I threw my comforter over my head, trying to go back to sleep. I wanted to escape all that the day had in store for me. When that didn’t work I finally drug myself out of bed and into the shower. I stood under the stream of scorching hot liquid, hoping to erase the past days events. As I lathered my body with soap, I couldn’t help but look down at my currently flat stomach. I inched my hand up my side and over onto my stomach. Even knowing now, I still felt no connection to the life that was growing inside of me.

  I took my time dressing in my favorite pink and black pair of Victoria Secret yoga pants and the matching pink tank. I looked at myself in the full-length mirror from all angles. My toned thin frame was going to become a frame of fat, if I kept this baby. That was the only thought running through my mind. I wasn’t having any of the ‘normal’ thoughts women have, when they found out they were pregnant. I wasn’t excited, happy, jumping for joy or even smiling. I should be elated that there was half of me and half of Gray growing inside of me, but all I felt was guilt. I felt guilty for not wanting this baby, for not wanting to tell Gray and for not wanting to even try to feel something towards the whole situation. I was lost and alone and Gray was never going to know.

  Twelve

  “Hey Baby, it seems like forever since I last talked to you. How are you feeling this morning?” His voice was music to my ears. I had only gotten about three hours of sleep but how could I not be over the moon to wake up to his soothing tone, that I was longing to hear.

  “I’m feeling a little bit better, so far.” I let out a small laugh. A small smile flashed across my face when I heard him chuckling along with me. “I’m really sorry I didn’t
call you back last night. It was a long night and by the time Hannah left, I was beat. Please say you forgive me.” I made my pouty face even though I knew he couldn’t see it.

  “Tuck your lip back up Baby, I know you’re pouting.” He knew me all too well. “It’s okay. I forgive you. Vince and I ended up going out for a drink last night anyway, so I probably wouldn’t have heard my phone even if you did try to call back. I miss you more than ever Bennett. I wish I could come home to you.” I could hear the sadness in his voice and I knew, now was not the time to bring up the fact that I was carrying his unborn child.

  “I miss you too Gray, so much. It’s been rather lonely being in my bed all alone.”

  “I know Button. Trust me, I know! I can’t wait to be done with all of this and be back in your arms, just you and me. We will have all the time in the world for it to be just us. I can’t wait, I will have an awesome career and you will be through your first year in school. We’ll have endless possibilities laid out ahead of us.” I could hear the smile and happiness in his tone.

  “Gray? There’s...um... something we need...”

  Hey Baby, I hate to cut you off but Vince just showed up and we got to head out to our next class. Fell better my love. Miss and love you tons.”