Beautifully Broken

by Amanda Bennett

  I could hear Vince in the background, calling for Gray to hurry up. “I miss and love you too. Talk to you soon.”

  “K Baby, bye.”

  And with that, our conversation was over. I rolled onto my back, arms splayed out just like I was making a snow angel. I let the cool metal phone slip between my fingers. I heard it thump against the floor and my eyes slowly blinked shut. At least I can tell Hannah that I tried to tell him. Could I have been more forceful about it? Probably, but he was always so busy with class.

  When I was done brushing my teeth, I drug myself into my room to get ready for the rest of the day. I pulled on my favorite pair of dark wash skinny jeans and tugged on my charcoal grey and navy striped cable knit sweater. I readjusted the collar and pulled on my black suede knee high boots. I nodded in acceptance of my appearance. Hell, if I was going to have to leave the comfort of my home, I was going to look damn good doing it.

  Three cups of coffee later, I was locking my front door and on my way to the doctor’s office. My mood had immensely changed from dark and somber, to light and cheerful. I couldn’t help but hope that the rest of the day would be a better. I pulled into the parking lot thirty-five minutes later. Another thirty minutes in the waiting room and I was back in a room. I had changed my appointment that Gray’s mother had made. I now knew that I needed to see my OB/GYN, not my primary physician.

  “Well, good morning Bennett, how are you doing today?” Dr. Rainey was her usually perky self.

  “Hi. I’m doing okay, I guess.” I faked a smile.

  “Glad to hear it. So, what are we seeing you for today sweetheart?”

  My smile faded and I could feel the tears welling up. “Well, I have been really sick, throwing up and all that jazz for a couple of weeks now. Long story short, my friend Hannah had me take a home pregnancy test, and…well, it came back positive.” I could feel the blush rising up my neck making it’s way into my cheeks.

  “I’m assuming this isn’t a happy discovery?” She rested her hand on my leg in a comforting fashion.

  I shook my head, “No, no it’s not a happy discovery. I’m only eighteen and I am so not ready to be a parent.”

  Dr. Rainey’s tall thin frame crossed the room, to grab some tools from the drawers next to the sink. Her bleach blonde hair brushed across her white coat as she searched for something, unknown to me.

  “Well, let’s do a pelvic exam and then we can do an ultrasound to determine how far along you are. After that, we will discuss your options. Sound good?”

  “Yes.”

  The pelvic exam went by painfully but quickly, and I was thankful for that. What I wasn’t ready for was the ultrasound. I didn’t know how I was going to react to seeing my baby right in front of me, let alone hearing the heart beat.

  “Okay so I’m just going to put some of this warm gel on your abdomen and look around for a minute.”

  “Okay.” Was all I could manage.

  She adjusted the screen and angled it towards me, so I could see what she was looking at.

  “Okay, so see this little black dot?” She pointed to a place on the screen that had me squinting, to see what she was talking about. “That’s your baby. So, you’re definitely pregnant. Just let me measure it a bit and I can tell you how far along you are.”

  As she clicked away on her mouse, I couldn’t help but stare at the screen in front of me. My heart was constricting and I was slowly losing my breath. A stray tear worked its way down my cheek and I slowly swiped it away, so she wouldn’t see. I was at the brink of falling apart but this wasn’t the place or time.

  “It looks like this little miracle was conceived about seven weeks ago. So, you are very newly pregnant. Do you want a picture to show the new daddy to be?”

  I couldn’t force myself to share in her enthusiasm, so I simply nodded my head. Twenty minutes later I was leaving her office picture and prenatal vitamins in hand. As I walked out of the sliding glass doors, I slipped the bottle into the tall metal trashcan outside. I tucked the ultrasound picture into my over sized purse, making my way to my car. I pulled out of the parking lot faster than a speeding bullet. I drove straight home, turned off my phone and snuggled up, under my protective covers on my bed.

  I awoke to a loud banging on the front door, instantly knowing it was Hannah. I had promised to call her after my doctor’s appointment but what was I going to say? I tucked the comforter deeper around me, trying to ignore the blatant sound of Hannah yelling. I didn’t have the strength to deal with anyone.

  The banging never ceased, so I slowly pulled myself from the darkened cocoon. I took my sweet time as I walked to the front door, hoping she would leave before I reached it. No such luck. Her look was murderous as I stood in front of her, not saying a word.

  “Its about damn time you answered your fucking door. You promised me that you would call me when you got home.” She had already pushed her way passed me and was heading into the kitchen. I stood staring at her, door hanging wide open. “Are you going to fucking tell me what the hell is going on?” She stood with her hands balled into fists against her hips. I knew not to mess with her when she was like this, so I conceded.

  I walked past her to grab a glass of water. My mouth was parched from throwing up all day and it gave me a few minutes to figure out what to say to her. “I’m pregnant! What else would you like to know Han?” I let my face fall into my hands before the floodgates opened up.

  I felt her warm arm wrap around my shoulders, pulling me into a hug. It was exactly what I needed. I stood there in my kitchen balling on Hannah’s shoulder, all the events from today running through my mind.

  “I’m so sorry Bennett. I’m so sorry.”

  Hannah walked me over to the kitchen table, pulling out two chairs for us. She continued to rub my back as I told her everything the doctor had told me. “I have a picture in my bag, over there.” I pointed in the general direction of where I thought I had thrown my bag onto the floor.

  Hannah rummaged through my purse until she came across the black and white ultrasound picture, beginning to wrinkle. “Oh Bennett, that’s amazing! Do you know what you want to do?” I could sense the fear in her voice.

  “I’m going to do what’s best for our future.”

  “And, that would be?” She asked impatiently.

  “Han, I can’t do this to Gray. I already made an appointment to have ‘it’ taken care of.” She started to protest but I cut her off just as quickly as she had started. “I know how you feel about it Hannah, I don’t need to hear it anymore. This is what’s best for us. I need someone to drive me there tomorrow, will you help me?” I knew she would, regardless of how she was feeling, but she hesitated and that scared me.

  “Yeah Bennett, I’ll take you. You sure this is what you want to do?” Sadness was written all over her face. A part of me wanted to be ready to be a mother, but that part wasn’t greater than the part, which was still an irresponsible teenager.

  I nodded at Hannah and she wrapped her arms around me, bringing me into a deeper hug this time. “I have to be there by 8:45 in the morning.” Tears were now rolling uncontrollably down my face and onto her silk shirt. I Knew deep down this was the right thing to do, but it still felt so wrong.

  “I’ll be here.” She kissed my forehead and headed back out the front door. She turned around before closing the door behind her. I think she was wishing and hoping that I would change my mind. I just gave a small wave and walked to lock the door behind her.

  I climbed right back into my comforting bed. I turned my phone back on, right before bundling myself back up. There were only text messages from Hannah. Not a single one from Gray. I looked back at my alarm clock on my dresser. It was already 10:45 at night and still no word. If I wasn’t for sure about it before, I sure as Hell was now. If Gray can’t even pick up a phone to call me, how was he ever going to be able to take care of another human being?

  Thirteen

  I was still feeling a little woozy after we left the
clinic. I was in more pain than I thought possible. Hannah quickly stopped to fill my prescriptions and continued back to my house. My legs were still shaky, so she practically had to carry me into the house.

  “Where do you want to lay?”

  I looked over at her, a single tear dropping onto her sweater. “The living room is fine.” I mumbled.

  She laid me down on the old brown, worn out couch and ran to grab everything I would need for the next couple of days. Hannah decided it was only right that she stay with me, until I got through this. She returned a moment later with some pillows, my comforter, and a tall glass of water, my pain pills and the bottle of small pink pills. I was instructed to take those at least twice a day to help things, ‘go back to normal.’

  I drifted in and out of consciousness most of the day. When I finally came to, it was dark outside. Hannah was nowhere to be seen and I had to pee like never before.

  “Hannah?” My voice cracked from how dry it was. I reached over and took a sip of water and some of he pink pills, when I heard Hannah’s faint voice in the background. I could hear her starting to get really mad. I pulled myself into a sitting position on the couch, instantly regretting it. Oh man, there was so much pain and I had no idea where it was all coming from. I finally sat myself up enough to get off the couch.

  I shuffled my feet across the tile floor, holding onto the wall for support. She was back in my bedroom and I could hear her getting more pissed off, the closer I got. I stopped a few feet away from the door to listen.

  “How do you think she feels? No you idiot, she is not okay. I don’t have a clue as to what is going through her mind. Of course I tried to talk her out of it. Well Gray, maybe YOU should have been here then.”

  I gasped and Hannah quickly turned around, seeing me in the doorway. A look of pure horror slapped across her face. I could see the color slowly start to leave her already pale face and I knew she knew she fucked up.

  “You fucking told him? You lying, BITCH! You promised me. I can’t bel-” I doubled over in pain, falling to my knees. My ears were ringing and I could feel the sensation of needing to pass out, running through my limbs.

  “Gray, hold on.” Hannah threw the phone down on the bed and ran to my side. “Oh my GOD Bennett, are you okay? Holy shit there is blood everywhere.”

  She tried to grab my arms to help me stand, but I was livid. “DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME!” Between my anger and the excruciating pain I was in, I ended up screaming into her face.

  “Bennett please just let me help you. There’s too much blood. I don’t think that’s normal.” She ran over to the bed picking up her phone. “Gray I have to call you back. No you asshole, there is blood everywhere. I’m calling 911.” Hang in there Hon; I’m going to get you help. Don’t move.” I could feel the fear radiating off of her.

  The phone was back against her ear, listening intently as the operator instructed her to lay me flat on my back, and prop up my knees until the ambulance could arrive. I could feel myself falling unconscious, when I heard a loud booming voice in my ear.

  “Miss do you know your name?” He was SO loud.

  I strained, trying to say anything intelligible. My eyes kept fluttering open and closed and all I wanted to do was sleep.

  “Okay, Miss, my name is Theo and I am a paramedic. We are going to get you onto the gurney and take you to the hospital. Shake your head for me, if you understand.”

  I must have shaken my head because I was soon being wheeled out my front door. Everything passed by in a blur. One minute I was in my house, then in an ambulance and now the hospital. Everything began to dim. The bright lights above me no longer shone at their 80 watts or more. I could feel myself going under, and the only thing I could think about was my little peanut. I clutched at my belly, praying that this was all a dream. The last image to flash through my mind before I succumbed to the darkness was Gray, and he looked pissed.

  Fourteen

  My eyes were heavy and hazy as I tried to open them. The sunlight shining through the window next to my bed, felt as though it was burning my corneas. I snapped my eyes shut and turned my head in the other direction. I blinked my eyes, trying to get them too focus. I lifted my hand to wipe them clear. I noticed a small IV in the top part of my right hand. I followed the tubing, up towards the ceiling to see a bag of IV fluid slowly dripping into my line down into my veins.

  I could see the sunlight leaving the room, as I looked out the window and saw a large gray cloud passing right through the rays. I scanned the room thoroughly to try to understand where exactly I was. What the hell happened? My roaming eyes came to a halt, when I saw his figure standing in the doorway. He was not who I expected to see, but a familiar face was what I needed at this moment.

  I tugged through my unruly hair to make myself more presentable. It was a loss cause; I had more tangles than a young child. I felt a smile flash across my face and it was comforting to not have to fake it. He was holding a beautiful bunch of wildflowers in a crystal vase.

  Expensive!

  Oh, he looked even better than I had remembered. His buzz cut had grown out a few inches since the last time I saw him, but still sat fairly short on top of his head. His deep brown eyes danced as he stared at me, without saying a word and I could feel mine doing the same. His uniform consisted of a tight fitting navy shirt, which hugged every muscle that covered his torso. His navy cargo pants that sat nice and low on his hips and hugged him in all the right places. My eyes scanned back up over his chest and landed on the half sleeve of tattoos on his right arm. How had I never noticed that before?

  My hands flew up to cover my face with extreme embarrassment. “Oh shit! Please tell me you weren’t one of the paramedics that came to my house?” I couldn’t tear my hands from my face. I couldn’t stand to be this mortified in front of someone I barely knew.

  His warm gentle hands were suddenly pulling mine from my face. “Hey, don’t hide from me.” A small chuckle escaped his throat. At least he found this amusing. “I wasn’t one of the paramedics at your house. Don’t worry.” My eyes slowly moved up to meet his gaze. His beautiful smile was only inches away from me. His lips looked so tempting. I let my tongue swipe out and lick my bottom lip in response.

  I finally tore myself away from his mesmerizing gaze long enough, to ask him a question. “If you weren’t there, then how did you know I was here? Wait…. you never told me that you were a paramedic.” My brow furrowed in confusion.

  “I don’t believe I ever got the chance to tell you what I did for a living. You left my party rather quickly, if you don’t remember.” He gave me a half-cocked grin and I couldn’t help but smile back.

  Guilt finally swept over me as I started to remember why, I was even here in the first place. I choked down the lump that in my throat. There was no way I was going to let myself break down in front of him.

  “Do you want me to go? I’m sorry I didn’t mean to intrude, honest. I was just getting ready to leave for the night, when they brought you in. I just wanted to make sure you were okay, that’s all.”

  He started to lift himself off of the corner of my bed when I grabbed his wrist. “Please, don’t go. It’s not you. Thank you for the flowers.” I blushed, feeling like an asshole for not saying thank you to begin with.

  “Oh these?” He held up the vase full of flowers. “Oh, these aren’t for you. There for the little old lady next door.”

  For a second I thought he was completely serious, until that cocky little grin of his decided to make another appearance. “Gotcha.” He let out a loud amused laugh and I laughed right along with him. Once our laughter died down, I heard Hannah clearing her throat in the doorway.

  Raylon got up off the bed and set the flowers on the small nightstand, between my bed and bathroom. “I better go. I didn’t mean to impose. Bye Bennett. Bye Hannah.” He turned on his heel and headed towards the doorway. I don’t know what came over me, but I couldn’t let him leave. Especially, not knowing when I would ever see him aga
in.

  “Wait, Raylon?” He turned with one arm pushing against the doorframe. Every muscle was enlarged and I completely forgot what I was going to say.

  “Yes?” He looked intense and serious.

  I twisted my hands together, trying to find the right words to say. “Could you just give Hannah and me a little bit, then could you…. umm… could you come back?” I could feel me cheeks turning ruby red. I tried to hide my face with my greasy-unwashed-hospital-bed hair, but to no avail.

  “Sure. I’ll be back, around nine o’clock, when my shift ends. Sound good?” His eyes were peering straight into me. Something about this guy made my heart beat elevate. I yearned for him to touch me again.

  “Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll see you then. Oh and thanks again for my flowers, they’re beautiful.” I smiled a wide smile as he winked and turned to leave.

  “What the hell was that all about?” Hannah was giggling as she playfully smacked my knee.