Beautifully Broken

by Amanda Bennett

  “Honestly, I have no idea. I was waking up, trying to remember where I was and then he was just there in the doorway, looking all good and shit.” I let out a small giggle.

  “Well honey, he has got it bad for you.” She smirked.

  I play punched her in her shoulder. “Hannah, knock it off. I’m with Gray. I shouldn’t even be talking to Raylon.” I lowered my eyes in shame.

  Her hand grabbed me by the chin and forced me to look up at her. “And just so you know, I’m not too happy with your boyfriend at the moment.”

  “Speaking of which, why did you tell him Han? You promised me.” I had to bite back the angry tears threatening to betray me.

  Her head fell, knowing how disappointed I was. “I’m really sorry Bennett but he had a right to know. Although now I wish I would’ve just listened to you. You were right Bennett, he is so not ready to be a dad.” I swear I heard her whisper ‘asshole’ under her breath, but I ignored it.

  “Is he flying out to see me at least?” My heart filled with hope.

  “No,” she whispered.

  And just like that, my heart broke into a million pieces. This time I let the tears flow freely, I wasn’t holding anything back anymore. Her arms wrapped around me, but I pushed her off. I wiped the tears with the palms of my hands and sat up a little bit straighter.

  “What the hell is wrong with him? You know what? I don’t care. There is no excuse in this world that would even come close to making me feel bad for him.” I grabbed a tissue from the box next to my bed and dabbed away the last falling tear. I refused to cry over someone who couldn’t be man enough to be by my side through this.

  “Bennett?”

  “Yeah Han?” She looked worried. I reached out to comfort her but she sat up, pacing around the small all white hospital room.

  “When I told him…. When I told Gray that you were pregnant he was ecstatic. He asked me a million times if I was joking. He was telling everyone he ran into, on his way to class. I don’t think I have ever heard him that happy. When I started to cry, he got very serious very fast. I didn’t want to tell him what you did. I couldn’t, but he forced me to. When I told him that you ‘took care of it’ because you thought he wouldn’t want this, well, let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.”

  I couldn’t look at Hannah as she told me about Gray’s reaction. My heart began breaking all over again. He did want this baby and I selfishly took that away from him. I stared out the window at the overcast sky.

  “Bennett?” Her voice cut through my revelry like a knife.

  “When I told him you were bleeding and I needed to call 911, he told me to just let you be. He said that you should have to pay for taking his child’s life.”

  Hannah threw herself onto the corner of my bed, balling. “Oh Hannah, this isn’t your fault. Gray is who he is. I knew what I was doing.” I ran my fingers through her hair trying to get her to calm down.

  “But...if I never would have told him, you guys would be fine.” She barely got the words out between sobs.

  “Hannah, this is not your fault. I did this. How could I have been so stupid? I should have known that he would’ve wanted to keep it. He’s never going to speak to me again, is he?” I already knew the answer, but I needed to hear her say it. Of course he wasn’t. Who would want to be with someone who could do something like that?

  Hannah dried her tears and slid into the bed next to me. We held each other for a long time. I knew that I had lost Gray forever. I couldn’t lose her too. I held her closer, not wanting to let go. The doctor came in a little while later. He explained to me that I had a severe hemorrhage caused by taking too many of the pink pills at once. I hung my head in embarrassment. I just wanted to go home, curl up in my bed, and die.

  “Now, you can’t go home just yet. You lost quite a bit of blood and we had to give you a transfusion. You’re pretty lucky, your friend here just happens to have the same blood type.” He winked at Hannah and she smiled. “So looks like you will be with us for at least a few more nights. Are you in any pain?”

  He kept checking my monitors and IV drip, and I wondered if he was even listening to me. “Actually, I am.” I sighed.

  “Okay well I will send the nurse back in with some pain medicine. No need to worry though, we have the bleeding under control. As long as you do okay through the night you should be good to go the day after tomorrow.”

  I gave him a halfhearted grin and replied with a, ‘sounds good’ and a ‘thank you,’ and then he was gone. I looked at the big black clock on the wall, surprised that it was already 8:00 at night. Man, I must have been out for quite awhile. I continued to watch Hannah pace across the room, while thoughts of Gray ran through my head. I had betrayed the one guy that swore he would always be there for me. We could have had a family. I broke what was left of us and I knew the repercussions were going to be catastrophic.

  “Hey Han?” I waited for her to stop her absent-minded pacing before I continued. When she came to a complete stop I finished. “What would you say to moving into a small house or apartment with me, near campus?”

  Her mouth fell open wide in shock. “Are you serious? But, you love your house.” I could see that she was thinking about my parents.

  “Truth be told, I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I mean I can’t keep living in the past. My parents are gone. Living in their house isn’t going to bring them back and I guess now, that Gray won’t want anything to do with me when he gets home, I just figured I need to start living my life and stop avoiding it.”

  “Bennett I’m so glad you are finally realizing that. You deserve to live your life and be happy. Your parents would be so proud of you.”

  I placed my hand on top of hers. “Will you help me put it up for sale and pack it up?”

  A squeeze of my hand was all I needed to know; my best friend would always be there for me. The nurse knocked quietly on my door about thirty minutes later. “I’m sorry it took me so long sweetheart. We just had another ambulance come in. I’m just going to push this medicine into your IV drip. You should start feeling a little drowsy, but it’s going to help with the pain. There we go, all done. Now just lay back and try to relax. You need to rest. I’ll be back to check on you in about an hour.”

  “Thank you.” My head already started feeling fuzzy and the pain slipped away. Hannah kissed the top of my head and said she would be back in a bit. As the door clicked closed, so did my eyes.

  I woke in a panic, thinking I had missed Raylon coming back to visit me. I clicked the overhead light on and quickly scanned the room. Our eyes instantly met and I could feel the intensity deep down.

  “Hi.” I whispered.

  “Hey there pretty girl. How are you feeling?” He walked over and perched himself on the side of my bed.

  “I’m feeling okay.” I glanced around the room trying to avoid any eye contact with him, before I asked my next question. “Raylon? Do you know why I’m here?” I didn’t want to know the answer.

  He bowed his head. “Yeah, my buddy Theo is one of the guys who brought you in.”

  I remembered a loud manly voice declaring to me that he was Theo before everything went black. “He’s never going to speak to me again.”

  “Is that such a bad thing?” Raylon took my hand in his. His hands were like catcher’s mitts compared to my small ‘child-like’ hands.

  “I guess not. I just thought I meant so much more to him. I’m just letting you know. I don’t want you to think I am ready for something that I’m not.” I felt stupid for even assuming a relationship was something he would want.

  His long fingers tucked my hair behind my ear before he grabbed my face in between them. “I’ll wait as long as I need to.” He smiled and then his lips were gently pressed against mine. I tried to fight the emotions that were starting to bubble to the surface, but I gave in instead.

  His lips were soft and gentle and I wanted so much more. I pulled away trying not to offend him. My body was standing on edge just
looking into his cavernous eyes. “Can we just take this slow?”

  “Whatever you want to do Bennett. You lead and I will follow.” He smirked.

  Fifteen

  I picked up my phone at least a dozen times, before settling myself back onto the couch. I had already been home for week now, and there had been no word from Gray. Text or otherwise. I was forced to take the rest of the week off of school. The doctor made Hannah swear she wouldn’t let me go back, until next Monday. But, knowing that she was at school all day, and I was stuck here, sucked. I was going stir crazy, with nothing to do.

  Everyday, I woke up wishing him through my front door. I knew I didn’t deserve for him to come see me, but I needed him. I knew it was a long shot that he would answer, but I had to hear his voice. I let out a loud huff when Hannah cleared her throat, from her position against the wall.

  “Just call him already, Bennett. You know you’re going to anyway.” She walked to me with her arms crossed over her chest.

  “I can’t Han. He told you himself, to basically let me die. Who says that?”

  Her hand landed on my knee. “Bennett, he had just found out that you got rid of a piece of him, that was growing inside of you. I’m not saying it’s okay by any means but he was hurting.”

  I hung my head in defeat, “I know Han and I have regretted it every day since.”

  “Call him.” She was pushing my phone into my hand.

  Hannah slipped out of the room as I sat staring blankly at the screen. “What the Hell.” I clicked on his name and held my breath as it began to ring. Adrenaline was shooting through my body and I felt as though I was going to pass out. After the third ring, I came to the realization that he wasn’t going to answer. His voice mail clicked on and I relished in the fact that I could hear his voice.

  “You’ve reached Gray Weston, please leave me a message after the tone and I’ll get back to you.”

  I clicked the end call button before it beeped. I threw my phone on the couch and wrapped myself into a ball. A faint ringing broke into my sleep a little while later. I flung myself into a sitting position and started rummaging through the couch cushions. it was too late. I pulled the phone from between two of the cushions and my breath hitched into my chest when I saw it flash a missed call from him. I wanted to cry.

  “Hannah?” There was no answer, so I yelled louder with blatant disregard for the time. “HANNAH?”

  Her tired form was next to me seconds later. “Bennett, are you okay? What’s going on?” She was rubbing the sleep from her eyes anticipating my answer.

  “Look.” I thrust the phone into her open hand. “He called me back.”

  Confusion settled across her face, “Okay. So, call him back.”

  “I can’t”

  “Um, why not? He obviously wants to talk to you or he wouldn’t have called you back.”

  I let out a sigh, “What if he didn’t mean to call me back?” I knew how stupid I sounded but she took it upon herself to inform me of it anyway.

  “Do you realize how fucking stupid you sound right now? I mean, I love you Bennett but I seriously think you have brain damage. I’m going back to bed. Goodnight.”

  I watched her leave the living room in utter shock. “Fine, I’ll call him back.” I said it loud enough so she would know I wasn’t stupid. “Bitch,” I mumbled under my breath.

  “I heard that.” She shouted back before I heard the slamming of my bedroom door.

  My finger slid across his name and I couldn’t stop my hands from trembling. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to say to him, but I didn’t have a second longer to think about it.

  “Hello?”

  He sounded groggy and I instantly hated myself for not checking the time first. “Gray?”

  “Yeah.” His voice went from groggy to angry in less than a second.

  “I just saw that you called.” Really? That’s the best I could come up with?

  “I was just returning your call Bennett. I didn’t know if something was wrong.” Yup. Pure hatred.

  I ran my hand back through my hair. Time to put on my big girl panties and just admit it, I needed to hear his voice. “I…Um, I just wanted to hear your voice.” I sucked in a big breath listening and waiting.

  There was a long pause and I checked the screen twice to make sure he hadn’t hung up, when he finally spoke. “I...I’m…I’m sorry Bennett, I can’t do this.”

  Just like that our conversation was over. I blew out an angry breath, hating myself for even thinking that he would want to talk to me. I should have known better than to think otherwise. It had only been a week for crying out loud. Maybe he just needed more time. I was back to sleep in no time, with visions of Gray invading my dream. When I woke the next morning, I had come to the decision that I needed to move on. If Gray and I were ever going to heal, I needed to let him go. So that’s exactly what I did.

  My family’s house sold three weeks later. A loving young couple and their daughter bought it and paid full asking price. That was unheard of in this economy. I was sad to see it go, but a bigger part of me was glad to move on. I weaved through the hundreds of boxes cluttered through out the house to find Hannah.

  “Hannah? You in here?” My voiced bounced off of the walls.

  “I’m in the kitchen.”

  I made my way down the hall from the entryway and into the expansive kitchen. I found her packing the last of our dishes in bubble wrap. I ran my fingers along the marble countertops, while making my way over to Hannah. I was going to miss this place more than I had anticipated. I closed my eyes and watched as my mom stood making Thanksgiving dinner. I could smell the abundance of spices floating through the air. I smiled at the memory. When I opened my eyes, I stood staring out into the back yard. My eyes began to mist up when I caught sight of the old wooden tree house. “Our” wooden tree house. My heart ached and yearned for a simpler time.

  “Han I’ll be back in a minute.” I shouted over my shoulder as I made my way to the sliding glass door. My heart dropped into my stomach once my foot hit the grass. The crisp fall air whipped around my body sending shivers down my spine. I hurried over to the tree house and ducked inside. I could feel winter just around the corner. It was only noon and the temperature had significantly dropped over the last hour. As quick as I had entered, I turned around. I was overcome by too many emotions, ones that I wasn’t willing to deal with at the moment.

  I backed up to take in one last look when his mother caught my eye. She was standing on her back porch, looking down onto my side of the yard. I took in her expression out of the corner of my eye before turning on my heel and heading back into the house. She never said a word and I was thankful for that.

  “Burr, it is damn cold outside.” I rubbed my biceps with my hands roughly to get the blood circulating through my body.

  “I know. When I ran out for coffee this morning, I had to put on my winter jacket. Its bullshit!” Her laugh filled the kitchen with warmth and a wide smile spread across my face. Yeah, I was going to be okay.

  Sixteen

  The last couple of years passed by in a blur. My days were filled with school, work, more school and oh yeah, work. Due to the house selling so fast, I was able to move before Gray returned home from the academy. He never once tried to reach out to me but him and Hannah had kept in contact for some time. She knew my displeasure regarding her and Gray, but in a way I was happy to at least have that one tie left to him.

  A couple months after Hannah and I moved closer to the University, a letter had shown up with none other than Gray’s name in the return address. Apparently he was living in Boston now. I didn’t have the courage to open it then and it remained unopened till this very day. I used to wonder what the envelope contained, but I forced my feeble heart to ignore the silent call from it. If Gray didn’t have the Gaul to say whatever it was face to face, then I really had no words for him.

  Hannah and I ended up finding a quaint house on the edge of town, about six blocks from
school. It was a small cottage style house, with a vast expansive backyard. There was a large L-shaped deck that jutted out from the front porch, wrapping half way around the back. The backyard consisted of nothing but grass and extremely tall oak trees, lining the property. I sold most of the contents of my parent’s home, all except for what sat in my childhood bedroom.

  About a year after we moved Raylon came around, making his presence well known. I can’t say I was surprised. The day they let me out of the hospital, he seemed to always find an excuse to come by and see me. I put off any sort of a relationship with him as long as I could. My heart couldn’t handle being responsible for someone else’s happiness, along with my own nonexistent happiness.

  “Hey Han have you seen my new silk halter top?” I was too busy rummaging through my closet to hear her answer. “WHAT?” Hannah did you hear me?” When I still didn’t hear a response, I went searching for her skinny ass. As I turned the corner to head into the kitchen I heard her yelling at someone on the phone. I quietly tried to approach her, without interrupting her conversation but I couldn’t help but over hear the desperation in her voice.