Beautifully Broken

by Amanda Bennett

  “Please just show up tonight. NO damn it, you have to.” I accidentally bumped into a knife hanging half way off the counter. The minute it clattered on the Spanish tile floor I knew I was made. “I’ll call you back.”

  “I’m sorry Han, I didn’t mean to interrupt you. Where you talking to Theo?” Hannah started dating Raylon’s good buddy Theo, after my trip to the hospital. He seemed like a really decent guy, so I rarely gave her shit about him.

  Her face screwed up in disdain. “Um, no I wasn’t talking to Theo. What did you need?”

  She was being super snippy which was totally out of character for her. Hannah rarely, if ever, got bitchy with me. “Ok, sorry I was just curious. Have you seen my new silk halter that I bought last month? I can’t find it anywhere.”

  Her back was turned to me, as she started busying herself with dishes. There weren’t that many sitting in the sink, so I knew something was bothering her. I touched her on the shoulder and she jumped like I had just slapped her. “Hannah, are you okay?” My voice was dripping with concern.

  “Yeah I’m fine. Sorry. Your halter top got ripped remember?” Her eyes were shooting daggers into mine.

  “Oh yeah!” I barely remembered but I agreed to appease her. “Okay sorry I bothered you. You and Theo still coming out with us tonight?” We had had this night out planned for almost a month now. One of Hannah’s favorite bands and mine was coming into concert, and there was a huge after party at the bar where I worked at.

  When I wasn’t burying myself in my schoolwork, I was busy tending bar at a local place up the street. Hannah and I had gone in to Johnny’s on 8th, around 8 months after school started. We hung out there on a nightly basis. It was an old dive bar, just down the street from school. It was clean and the staff was friendly, so we adopted it as our own. One night the owner joked that seems how I was there so much that I should work to pay my tab. I knew he wasn’t serious, but I filled out an application anyway. I started the next night. I still ached for Gray every second of every day. The pain never ceased and I knew I deserved what was happening between us.

  Hannah and I started to drift when I started working. I tried to make myself scarce most of the time, giving her and Theo their space. I made sure to take on a full load at school this semester and picked up every shift I could get at Johnny’s. I was making decent money and Hannah had found a new close-knit group of friends to hang out with, from school. I wasn’t all that happy with the fact that I was slowly losing everyone who meant anything to me, but what could I do? I all but practically pushed them out the forever open door.

  “I think so, yeah. I’ll have to call Theo and make sure. I’ll just go outside and call him really quick.” She fled to the back porch faster than an attack dog.

  I walked back into my bedroom and plopped myself down on my bed. I opened the top drawer of my nightstand to find my new lip-gloss, when I stumbled across ‘the letter.’ It had been two years and eight months since I received the ominous envelope. I pulled it from the drawer and took in its scent. I could still faintly smell his cologne lingering on the paper. After being discharged from the hospital, Hannah and I went straight to work on packing up my childhood home. Mrs. Weston never came by after finding out what I had done, and couldn’t blame her. Not only had I severed my relationship with my one true love, but I had also severed my relationship with the only mother figure I had left.

  I spent a good six months mourning the loss of my child and even more time mourning the loss of Gray. He never called after the first time we spoke, and I never did either. There were plenty of times my fingers would skim across his phone number but I could never bring myself to call. We never even got to have the ‘last talk.’ I still, till this day felt like a piece of me was ripped from my soul.

  I never tried to talk about Gray with Hannah, and she never brought him up. Every now and then I would over hear her talking to him. From what I could gather, they never talked about anything serious. At least none, which I had overheard. From the short conversations I was able to hear, I gathered that he had started seeing someone. I wished all the happiness in the world for him and whomever he chose to be with. He at the very least deserved to have that.

  After his letter showed up, I sunk back into a deep depression for what seemed like an eternity. In real time it was only about three months. I started giving away shifts at the bar and I quickly started getting behind in my classes. Only when Hannah intervened, did I realize that I needed to get some help to cope with all of my loss. I found an amazingly supportive therapist, who helped me learn to deal with all the emotions that I refused to recognize before.

  Hannah and I became closer than we had ever been, once I started my therapy. She was excited to see me opening up more to her and finally letting her inside. I decided to take some time off from the bar for a bit, once my therapist helped me realize that I needed a better outlet for dealing with things. I didn’t have to work. My parents had left me plenty of money to live off of and with the sale of the house, I was all but set for quite some time. I liked working though; it gave me a sense of worth and kept my mind from straying to thoughts of Gray and what I had lost. It helped that I loved everyone I worked with at the bar. We were a small little family and it was helpful to have. Truthfully, it was Johnny, my boss, who convinced me that a vacation would do me wonders.

  Three weeks later Hannah and I were on our way to Italy. It had always been my dream to travel the Italian countryside. I wanted to shop in Milan, explore the museums in Rome, take a gondola ride through Venice, eat my way through Florence and visit every vineyard possible along the way. We were gone for almost a month when we decided to take a detour to Greece, before heading back home to our responsibilities.

  Our first couple of days we spent lounging on the beautiful white sand beaches in Crete. We spent hours looking out across the bluest ocean we had ever seen. The water was unbelievably translucent and amazingly warm. We joked everyday that we should just pick up and move there. We decided we would live on the beach, in a small hut and sell pooka shells to the locals and tourists on the weekends. We laughed more than either of us had laughed in what felt like forever. My mind would always find its way to Gray though. When we would be shopping in the small ornate towns that surrounded us, I could almost picture he and I hand in hand. I knew I was getting better, but my heart still felt broken and I knew that I would never again have the one thing that could stitch those pieces back together.

  We eventually found ourselves in Athens, at a tiny hotel built into the side of a cliff. It was breathtakingly beautiful. The architecture and texture to the building was stunning. I had never experienced this type of beauty in my life. Being on our own was enthralling. As our vacation/hiatus came to an end, we jumped at the opportunity to head out and enjoy what little nightlife Greece had to offer. We had overheard some other tourists talking about a midnight beach party, so naturally we decided to check it out. It was our last night and we decided to go all out.

  The moon danced across the glassy water while small ripples danced in synch along with the music, echoing from the speakers. The water was still the brightest blue underneath the glow of the moon. It was fascinating. Hannah had run off to the bar to grab us a couple of drinks when I walked straight into him, again.

  We joked about how it felt all too familiar to “bump” into each other after all this time. Raylon had been a little too pushy for my taste, right after my surgery. I all but cut him off completely, shortly after we moved. We were both surprised that it had taken both of us going around the world to find one another. Hannah returned with our drinks and we all had a good laugh at irony of the situation. Raylon and Theo, his now roommate had decided to take a guy-cation. They had been in Greece for a month and this was their last night as well. Hannah and Theo instantly took a liking to each other, as did Raylon and I. Needless to say, we all flew back on the same flight and spent the whole time swapping stories from our time over seas.

  When we got back t
o the states Raylon and I had made plans to go out on an actual date. I hadn’t been on a real date since Gray. I welcomed the feeling of having someone who wanted to take me out. As much as I wanted to fight against it and hang on to Gray, I needed to feel wanted again. Theo and Hannah were automatically inseparable. I’m almost positive he was at our house now, more than I was.

  Raylon and I started hanging out more often too. He had awakened something deep inside, something that had been asleep for far too long. He was a gentleman through and through. He always opened doors for me and never let me pay for anything. I didn’t like feeling like I was being codependent, but I brushed it off to not being used to having someone take care of me.

  A couple of months later I was caught up in all of my classes and I was holding steady with a B average. I decided it was time to start back at work and get back into the real world. I went in and talked to Johnny about getting my job back. He was all too thrilled to have me there. It took me a couple of nights to get back into the swing of things, but I was settling back into my routine with ease.

  My third week back at the bar was a bit hectic. I had finals and was picking up some extra shifts to start saving for a new car. I had the money to buy one, but I wanted to feel the sense of accomplishment when I could purchase it on my own. I was getting ready for work while Hannah, Theo and Raylon were all hanging out watching some TV and drinking some beers. I heard Raylon calling my name at least three times. I yelled back at him to give me a second, needing to finish getting dressed. That was the first, but not the last time Raylon laid an aggressive hand on me.

  I had turned to switch off the bedside lamp. His hand was the first thing I saw as I turned to leave my room. He grumbled a few incoherent thoughts and then went on to tell me to never, raise my voice to him again. I was beside myself. I had never seen this side of him before. I wasn’t quite sure how to handle the whole situation. Hell, I was even convincing myself that I had made it up. I remember my jaw aching for the next week, but beyond that I could have sworn the incident never happened. We went about a month without any other incidents. That was, until I started picking up weekend shifts at Johnny’s.

  The abuse started out small, a slap here, some hair pulling there. I brushed it off to him drinking. When he wasn’t drinking he was amazing to me. He treated me like a Queen. I knew how it sounded, but I had to believe that he loved me. There was no way, in my still fragile state, that I could’ve started over even if I wanted to.

  I kept the abusive side of Raylon hidden from Hannah as long as I could, until she walked in on him practically pulling every hair out of my already bruised head. Tears were streaming down my purple cheek that he had punched the day before. I had told Raylon that I was going to have to stay late at the bar that night due to a concert after party. He wrapped my hair around his fist and pulled as hard as he could. He spat words of how I was a whore and probably sleeping with my boss. When I tried to tell him that that was the furthest thing from the truth, it only fueled his rage, making things much worse. He was just about to raise his hand to me, when Hannah walked in.

  She screamed for Theo at the top of her lungs. Raylon dropped the unyielding hold he had on my hair and straightened his shirt, pushing his way past Hannah. I had heard him cut Theo off in the hallway, saying Hannah was over reacting and being a drama queen. That’s when Hannah’s relationship, and mine yet again, found itself strained.

  She kept trying to persuade me to leave Raylon. She couldn’t understand why I was Hell bent on staying, when he treated me the way that he did. I didn’t have a good excuse for staying. All I knew was that I was broken enough to believe that in some weird way, I deserved to be treated that way. With everything that I had put Gray through, this was the least I deserved for doing what I did.

  Even though Hannah and I weren’t speaking much, she still made sure that Theo kept a close eye on Raylon, especially when he had been drinking. I felt safer knowing that Theo could control Raylon, to an extent. Theo had officially moved in with us a month ago. I felt guilty, feeling like he needed to move in to protect me. We no longer allowed booze of any kind in the house. That hadn’t gone over real well with Raylon when we first mentioned it, but Theo backed me up all the way. Raylon eventually accepted it but soon he started coming into the bar while I was working to drink instead.

  Raylon always remained calm and collected while at the bar but the minute I got home, it was a whole other story. The tension around the house was palpable. Raylon essentially moved himself into my room, shortly after Theo had moved in. Raylon was a considerably big guy, but Theo had a leg up on him. Theo was at least two inches taller than Raylon and twice his size. Theo had joined the Army when he turned eighteen and you could tell he spent most of his days in the gym. He was quite a sight to look at. He didn’t have any tattoos that I knew of, but damn he could wear the shit out of a pair of jeans.

  Hannah always joked that Theo and I should have ended up together, being he was the one who took me to the hospital that day. I can’t say I never wondered how different things would have been, if I had fallen for Theo. I always told Hannah it never would have worked out anyway. If anything Theo and I looked like we could be brother and sister. We shared everything from hair color, eye color and even a small dimple in our cheek. Regardless, I was starting to look at Theo as a brother type over the last six months. I had never had any siblings, and it was comforting having someone around to protect me as a brother would.

  I ran my fingers through my hair one last time before finishing up my makeup. We only had an hour before the concert and I wanted to make sure that I was looking good for Raylon. He had been better over the last couple of weeks and I wasn’t willing to push the envelope tonight. We hadn’t had any major run-ins and I was thankful. When he came home from school today, he genuinely seemed excited to be going out. I’m not sure if he was excited to be going out with me exactly, but he was excited nonetheless. Hannah came into my room a minute later asking to use my curling iron.

  “Han, why don’t you just get ready in here with me?” She had been avoiding me like the plague all day and I needed to get to the bottom of our current predicament.

  “It’s okay, I can just get ready in my room.” She turned on her heel to head out the door; I stopped her by gently grabbing her arm.

  “Hannah, what is the deal? You have been ignoring me all day. Did I do something to piss you off?” Concern constricted my words.

  She let out a loud sigh as she turned around to talk to me. “Its not you Bennett and you know that.”

  I knew exactly what she was talking about but I didn’t know how to respond. “Things have been better lately Han. I know I’ve said that before but this time it really feels different.” I knew it was a lie just as much as she did. There was far more going on than I could ever tell Hannah about.

  “When are you going to stop punishing yourself for what happened? For fuck’s sake Bennett it’s been years. You have to stop blaming yourself.” Hannah knew she was treading a thin line, so she continued with caution as she said her next few words. “He asks about you.”

  My mouth fell ajar. “Why would you tell me that?” I returned to my seat on the floor in front of my full-length mirror to finish my makeup. Hannah made her way over to the desk chair beside me, barely able to look me in the eye. I could only assume she was trying to gauge my reaction to the bit of information she had just shared, but I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of knowing it was literally killing me.

  “Bennett?” She breathed.

  I put my hand up to stop her, “Don’t Hannah, just don’t! It doesn’t matter what he says to you. He chose to never speak to me again and my heart isn’t whole enough, to be broken all over again. I don’t have the strength, so please, just don’t.”

  I swiped some eye shadow across my lids and was all set to go. “I’m ready. You ready to go?” I prayed she would drop the subject especially before Raylon could over hear it. Raylon wasn’t Gray’s biggest f
an and I couldn’t blame him, but if Gray knew the dynamics of our relationship, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be Raylon’s fan either. Hannah had filled Raylon in on the happenings of that day long ago. Raylon couldn’t fathom how a man who claimed to be madly in love with me, could just walk out of my life. Unfortunately, Raylon was worse than Gray in every way.

  We all convened in the living room to take a few shots before we headed out. It was Theo’s idea to break the rules just this one time. I think it was due to good behavior on Raylon’s behalf.

  Raylon’s arm wound around my waist as he pulled me into his chest. “You look amazing Baby.” His lips gently touched mine before he pulled back to look at me. “I’m sorry for how I have been treating you Bennett.” I could see the sincerity in his eyes and I wanted so badly to believe him.

  I pulled away from his embrace and snatched up my purse. “The cab is here, let’s get going.” I smiled.

  The concert was amazing. We jumped and danced along with the rest of the concertgoers. By the time the last song came on I was more than ready to get away from the hundreds of sweaty bodies. Johnny’s was becoming more appealing by the minute. Hannah and I ran off to the bathroom before we left. I splashed myself with some cold water and emptied the contents of my bladder, ready for more drinking. Everyone was in an amazing mood. I didn’t want to test Raylon’s limits but I was also sick of prohibiting myself from having a good time, just to keep his anger at bay.