3 Heads & a Tail

by Vickie Johnstone

  Ah, he's gone inside. I can see you, stupid! He's talking to the girl who makes coffee. She's making a drink. He's paying. Oh, he's not paying. She's giving him the drink for free! I can't believe it! She's holding his hand?! “Voof, voof, voof, voof!” Now they're both looking at me 'cos I'm barking so loudly. Yes, look at me! The dog! I can see you holding hands and I'm not impressed, mister! Okay, ignore me! I'm just the dog. Hold hands, kiss... you're kissing her too?

  Right, I'm not watching any more of this. I'm going round the side, pulling my lead as far as it goes and sitting on the grass. I'm gonna wait here. Poor Josie, I have to be nicer to her. She has to be with Ben. How do I get her to notice Ben? Plan, plan, plan! Maybe I can bring Josie to the coffee shop when I know David will be here. Then she'll see what he's like. I could do that. That's a plan!

  But how does he do it? How does David get all of these women? What do they see in him? Why can't I do this with lady dogs? Well, my track record isn't too good. “Voof.” It's rubbish, be honest. “Voof.” I can't chat up lady dogs. I'm useless. They don't even notice me. Poodles? Well, poodles with pink bows notice me, but not the lady dogs that I like. And here I'm thinking of Miss Perfect Gold. She doesn't even see me. If I act more David-like, would she notice me? If I try walking like him, all confident, and gaze at the lady dogs, would that work? He does that big cheesy smile. I could try smiling more. “Voof.” Nah, I'm gonna look dopey. I just know I'll look dopey.

  Maybe if I practice more with the Frisbee, become more athletic? I dunno, there must be some secret to becoming popular with lady doggies. Let's face it, I'm just like Ben. We're both rubbish with females, totally useless. We don't know what to do. We just wait and hope. I hope we don't have to wait too long or our bits might stop working. Or they might drop off. Can that happen? Is that possible? I hope not. “Voof.” I'm just going to lie here and whine. “Hoomphff!” It's a dog's life.

  Chapter 15

  “How's the new place going, Kay?” asked Josie, as they walked down the street. “Settled in now?”

  Her friend nodded. “I love having my own space.”

  “Ooh,” pouted Josie, “so you don't miss me?”

  “Of course I do!” Kay nudged her. “But it's the first time I've lived on my own. I love it. I'm decorating it how I like, with all the stuff I choose. So different from living with the ex – I was just agreeing to what he wanted all the time.”

  “I get it. I'm really pleased for you. Did you get all your stuff back at last?”

  “Almost, but I've given up with the other bits. He kept my PlayStation, you know, but I'm not going to ask for it again. Besides, that thing used up so much of my time – there's more to life than blasting spaced-out zombies!”

  “Yeah, you could be chatting 'em up in pubs instead!” grinned Josie. “Shame he wouldn't give all of your stuff back. He must still be angry.”

  “I guess, but he was the one messing around. That knocked my confidence for six. She wasn't even nice, that girl. I don't know what he was thinking.”

  “I don't think he was thinking with his big head,” said Josie, trying to lighten the mood.

  “I know. Anyway, it's in the past. Moving on and all that... now it's the new, improved Kay!”

  “Here's the pub,” announced Josie. “Gets quicker each time we walk it!”

  “You're sure there's a band on tonight?”

  “Yep, I asked Ben if there was one, but he's not coming,” replied Josie. “He was actually a bit abrupt when I asked.”

  “That's a shame,” said Kay. “What do you think of Ben?”

  “I'm not going there, Kay!” giggled Josie, opening the door of the pub.

  “Spoilsport,” said Kay, poking her tongue out. She pulled down her top slightly to show a bit more cleavage and angled her chin as she entered the pub.

  It was packed. The stage was towards the left, but all of the seats were filled. Some guys were gathered around the pool table and there was a queue at the bar. All of the men waiting for a beer clocked Kay's outfit as she strode in. She was wearing shorts and heels – the poor blokes didn't stand a chance. She pushed out her chest a tiny bit as she swished past. They inhaled and didn't exhale again until she'd past, dusting them in her perfume. They wilted.

  “Must be a good band tonight,” said Josie.

  “Yeah, but have you noticed that most of the chairs at the front are full of women?” observed Kay. “Maybe the band is hot stuff too.”

  “You'll be lucky!” laughed Josie. “What are you having? I'm gonna try and get the barman's attention!”

  “I can help!” Kay winked at the barman.

  Josie laughed. “You know, sometimes I think you are the female equivalent of David. I'd hate to see your babies.”

  “Yeah, we'd take over the planet with sheer sexuality!” giggled Kay as yet another guy almost tripped over when she caught his eye.

  “Do you practice that pout in front of the mirror?”

  “Stop it, Josie!” Kay poked her in the arm, giggling.

  The barman approached to serve them as an excuse to leer at Kay in her skimpy outfit.

  “A Golden Whimsy ale and a Pina Colada, please,” asked Josie.

  “See, it works!” whispered Kay, proudly. Josie playfully pinched her.

  They took their drinks and found an empty place by the pool tables. Some guys were playing and a few others watching, but Josie didn't recognise any of them. She was hoping to spot Ben's friends as they had been good fun.

  “I know you've been looking forward to our band for tonight... especially you ladies... give a cheer for The Big Wave!” announced one of the barmen. He raced off the stage.

  “Ah, see they must be hot... the women are cheering!” said Kay, sipping her drink with her straw. She was doubly glad that she'd worn her hot pants.

  Josie sipped her ale, but slowly this time as she didn't want to get drunk again. It was cool and refreshing. The band walked on and Josie gulped. The guitarist was none other than David.

  “Oh my god, it's Mr Tight Ass!” shrieked Kay.

  A couple of guys standing in front of them turned round.

  “Shhh!” said Josie. “I had no idea he was playing. God, now he's going to think I came here to see him!”

  “He won't see you – not over all of those women. Oh, erm, he has. He's waving.”

  “Shit.”

  Chapter 16

  “Hi,” screamed Kay, waving back at David. He was adjusting his guitar strap.

  Josie fumbled with her hand, which now felt like a rubber stand-in, and waved it, sort of. She gulped her ale. “I think I'll be finishing this pretty quick.”

  “So funny,” mumbled Kay, scanning the band members.

  The other guys in the band were just as fit as David, although he definitely had the edge. The singer had curly brown hair, and was wearing a black waistcoat and leather trousers, and big boots. He strutted around confidently. The drummer had long blonde hair and he'd forgotten to put his top on. Kay purred. And the bassist, well he was pretty hot too. He'd dyed his hair a sort of blue-green colour and it trailed down to his waist, but it kind of worked. He looked like some kind of sexy mer-man. Kay wouldn't mind finding out the length of his tail.

  “Maybe we should try a different pub,” suggested Josie.

  “No way, have you looked at those guys? Seriously, this is every woman's fantasy... just look at them!”

  “I have eyes,” said Josie, sipping her ale. “I think the drummer is the best looking, although he's lost his shirt.”

  “I hope he's lost his trousers too,” said Kay, sucking her straw. “Man, oh man, am I happy to be a woman.”

  Josie peered at her friend. She was in heat again. Josie just prayed the band was halfway decent, but what she'd heard emanating from David's room didn't give her much hope.

  “Weeeeeeee...” The bass kicked in and the band started. Kay started jigging up and down, giving heart failure to the guys standing right behind her. Josie peered over the top of h
er pint glass. They weren't bad. A bit of a cross between the fantastic Whitesnake, which they seemed to be aiming at, and The Wombles, if that was possible. The singer kept pouting as he sang, while doing a sexy jiggle that had all of the girls giggling in their chairs. The drummer was pretty good and Josie found herself mesmerised by the haze of blonde hair flying around behind his kit.

  “Pretty good, no?” asked Kay, with an enormous grin on her face, as the singer shouted out the lyrics of what sounded something like 'if you want fun you'll find it in my jeans'!

  Josie shrugged and nodded. The embarrassing bit was David, but she had to admit that his playing was pretty good and he was a good showman.

  David paced back and forth, posing like there was no tomorrow, swishing his guitar up and down. Now and then he'd flick his thick, dark hair out of his eyes, but that was pretty difficult while playing his instrument – most of the time it fell into them.

  As the song ended, David leapt into the air and landed with a grin on his face. How cheesy, thought Josie, amazed that his sprayed-on jeans hadn't split. But no, they were intact, which was more than she could say for Kay, who was coming apart at the seams. “My god, that man is just sex on legs,” she spluttered. “I need another drink. You?”

  “Yes, about ten!”

  Josie glanced back at David. What had she seen in him? It had definitely all been about lust. The man was shallower than shallow. But he did have charm, along with good looks, she'd give him that. Most of the women in the pub seemed to find him attractive. But, such a poser! He was so not her type, yet she kissed him! Well, she hadn't been thinking at all, that was the problem. Josie bit her lip.

  The girls squeezed through the crowd to the bar, which was now empty, and ordered two refills.

  “May as well stand here,” said Josie. “It's the quietest place and easy to get a drink now.”

  “You planning on getting pissed miss?” asked Kay, winking.

  “Maybe,” nodded Josie, swigging her ale.

  The band played on. At one point, David, to the thrill of the girls, ripped off his black shirt and threw it into the crowd... or rather, the small pub audience. David was acting like he was playing Wembley Stadium, mainly because he knew this was the closest he was going to get. Kay concentrated on the bubbles of perspiration decorating his six-pack while Josie checked out the other types of ale. She liked this pub. It had a wide collection of the amber nectar. When she turned back, the singer had lost his waistcoat, but he'd placed it behind him neatly, instead of throwing it to the girls, so it must be a favourite of his, thought Josie. Intelligent man! He was blasting out the chorus to 'The Girls Like a Big Banger' while David pumped his guitar manfully.

  The band played on until about 11pm. The girls demanded an encore so the boys fulfilled their needs with a song called 'Get It While I'm Hot' while Josie downed another golden ale. She was dreading what would happen when they finished.

  The last squeal of the guitar sounded, the drum roll faded and the singer took a bow. “You've been a great audience,” he shouted. “Cheers to you girls for making my night and cheers to you guys for not getting mad!”

  Josie looked around at the guys who were raising their pint glasses. No bad feelings there then.

  Chapter 17

  David packed his guitar into its case while the drummer got up and wiped himself down with a towel. He looked very hot and sweaty. The singer was chatting to a young, brown-haired girl, who looked barely sixteen. Her older friend was standing by, looking concerned.

  “Another ale?” asked David, striding over.

  “E-erm, mmm,” stammered Josie, holding up her glass, which was still half-full or half-empty, depending how you looked at it.

  “I guess that's a yes then! And how about you, young lady?” asked David, wiping the sweat off his forehead.

  Kay perspired just looking at him. “A Pina Colada, mate.”

  The barman served David immediately and the drinks were on the house. He was drinking whisky, straight; no ice. He downed it in one, and ordered another before the barman had even moved. “So what did you think?” he asked the girls, eager to hear the response.

  “Amazing,” said Kay, standing with her hands in the pockets of her shorts. David wondered how she could possibly squeeze her hands in there – those shorts looked sprayed on. He wondered how they didn't split. Unlike the guys standing behind, he had absolutely no interest in Kay, even though he knew she liked him. She made it so obvious. But he thought she was kind of plastic looking, and plastic never interested him for long. He preferred a challenge.

  He turned to Josie. “But what did YOU think?”

  She bit her lip. They were too posey! They were trying to be Whitesnake, but they really didn't know where they were going again and it was more like a whimper in the night! No, she couldn't say that or he'd be crying in the rain!

  “I thought you played much better than what I heard that Sunday morning!” she replied, honestly.

  “Cool,” said David. “What was your favourite song? Was it 'The Girls Like a Big Banger'? Women always go wild for that one.”

  Josie blinked. He was being deadly serious. “I'm not sure really. It's definitely a good song, but I'm not sure. I'd have to hear the songs more to decide.”

  “No problem,” said David, whipping something out of his jacket pocket, with which he had thankfully covered his naked torso before talking to them. “I have some CDs. I'll sign one for you. I know you'll love it.”

  Josie tried not to laugh as he signed the CD and gave it to her. “And one for you,” he added to Kay.

  “Ooh thanks,” Kay cooed, her eyes glazing over.

  “So who's the lovely lady in hot pants?” asked a deep voice.

  “I'm Kay,” she drawled, trying to make the word as long and sexy as possible, which is difficult with just three letters.

  “Cool name,” he replied. “I'm Driag.”

  “Drag?” asked Kay.

  Josie imagined him in fishnets and suspenders, and spluttered her beer.

  “No, D-r-i-a-g – Driag,” he spelt out. “But, don't worry, no one gets it right. My parents are hippies and I'm named after some old Pagan bloke, so they say. I've tried Googling the name though and nothing comes up.”

  “It's an unusual name,” said Kay. “But it's good to be unique.”

  “I think so too,” said the guy with the odd name. “I know David's just bought you a drink, but you're so gorgeous that I have to buy you another one – what will you have?”

  “Pina Colada,” trilled Kay. “I guess that line works every time.”

  “I can't reveal my trade secrets,” grinned Driag.

  “This is Michael,” announced David as the drummer walked over. His long blonde hair dangled almost to his waist and his eyes were bright blue. He looked a cute 23, if that. He was now wearing a yellow T-shirt with a round, red orange on it.

  “Hello,” she said, “I'm Josie.”

  “Nice to meet you, Josie,” said Michael. “I see you're an ale drinker – which do you recommend?”

  “Golden Whimsy,” she replied. “It's the best one. Tastes like honey.”

  “I trust you! I'm gonna go and grab myself one.”

  He squeezed past her to the bar and Josie had to stop herself from touching his hair. It must be the ale. She couldn't just go grabbing some poor bloke's hair. She wondered why it was that long hair on young guys was always in much better condition than women's. Was it because they didn't wash it, dye it and comb it to death? It always looked perfect, but they never did anything with it. Did they just climb up a mountain, dip it in a stream and then shake it? Okay, now she was fantasising. She'd always had a thing about long hair.

  Thinking about it, Ben had really nice hair, but it was usually tied back, except that time when she saw him in the shower and it was all wet. Maybe she could just pull it out some time. Yeah, because Ben would really love that, Josie! He'd look at you as if you were a moron. But he did have really nice hair... and eyes..
. and, unlike David, some brains. Okay, now she'd definitely had too much ale.

  “You look like you're daydreaming again,” said David.

  “Yep, that's me. Miss Daydreamer,” replied Josie. “I think I've had too much of the amber nectar!”

  “Maybe it's past your bedtime!” he suggested with a wink.

  “Could be, but I'm going there on my own. So don't get any ideas!”

  “Ouch! You can't blame a guy for trying!”

  David sipped his whiskey. He didn't understand why Josie wasn't responding. She was interested in the park. Still, she was a nice girl and had a great body. He hadn't forgotten that. It was early days. He'd work his magic yet!

  “Stop looking at me like that, David! It's not going to happen!” she scolded.

  “Okay, okay, I get the message,” replied David. “Let's go rescue Kay from my band mate. He's a bit of an animal!”

  He's not the only one, thought Josie.

  Chapter 18

  The following day passed in a haze for Josie. Work was a struggle and in the back of her head she knew she had to have a serious chat with David about 'The Situation'. It was pretty obvious he was still interested, which was flattering, but also awkward. She also knew that if she liked anyone, it was Ben, but being friends was enough. She didn't want anything to mess that up.

  All the way home, she rehearsed in her head what she wanted to say to David until she had it word perfect. On reaching the house, the windows stared down at her as if to say yeah, yeah, chicken, chicken! She took a deep breath. Time to go in – be brave! It was no big deal, she just had to explain to him that nothing had happened and nothing ever would because nothing had... right? What could be simpler? Then everything could carry on as normal with no awkwardness in the house, just harmony.

  She put the key in the lock and turned it. The door opened without a sound and she closed it as quietly as she could. Wiping her feet on the 'Go home!' mat, she turned and then almost jumped. Glen was sitting on the bottom step of the staircase. He turned his head to the side and looked up at her.