3 Heads & a Tail

by Vickie Johnstone

  “Hi, boy, how are you today?”

  He cocked his head the other way.

  “Still mad at me, yeah?” she asked.

  He licked his lips and stuck his paw out, staring up with his big, brown eyes.

  She smiled. “I see – we're friends again!” She shook his paw lightly and he stood up, wagging his tail ferociously. “You don't stay mad long do you?!” She patted his head and stroked his ears. They were so soft and silky. She wished her hair felt like that. “It's like you just stepped out of a salon!”

  Glen wagged his tail and followed her into the kitchen. He sat down and watched as she made a mug of coffee. He noticed how Josie didn't put any sugar in. Ben always had just one spoonful and David seemed to just chuck it in. Josie stirred the coffee, picked up the newspaper and her bag from the table, and walked upstairs. Glen hopped up behind her.

  She had just opened her bedroom door when the hatch to the world of passion above creaked open and a head stuck out. “Hi, babe!”

  Ouch. She hated being called babe, as if they were in some kind of cheesy movie where all the girls wore shorts and heels, tiny tops, smiled a lot and staggered around like bimbos, and all of the guys acted tough with all the clever lines, but probably had no brain cells and stank like hyenas.

  “Hi, David,” replied Josie, glancing up. “I need to talk to you, but first I've really got to put this coffee down. It's hot.”

  Glen bolted into Ben's room.

  Josie put her things in her room and was about to take off her purple hoodie when she had second thoughts – added protection. It felt safe! She took a deep breath, smoothed down her hair in the mirror and scurried back outside.

  David had a big smile on his face and she felt flustered. No wonder he was smiling – he's seen you in your pants, she reminded herself. Shut right up, she told herself back. I'm just going to blank out that thought. She walked up the steps to the hatch.

  “I almost didn't recognise you with your clothes on!” said David.

  Shit, thought Josie. Not a great start. She frowned.

  David bit his tongue. “Sorry.”

  “That's what I need to talk to you about,” said Josie. “I just moved in and this is really embarrassing. I didn't plan anything to happen, didn't want anything to happen... it's so complicated now... and nothing did happen!”

  “Oh,” said David, sitting down on his bed.

  “I don't want to create a problem, but...”

  “You don't want anything to happen again,” finished David, his pride taking a hit.

  “Yes,” said Josie, relieved. “I wasn't sure how I was going to say it.”

  “You did say it, pretty bluntly.”

  Josie sighed. “Yeah, I'm sorry. I was very drunk the other night and I don't make a habit of ending up in the bed of someone I've just met. That's not me.”

  “You seemed cool with the idea at the time. Okay, sorry, I can see by your face that was the wrong thing to say. Alright, I guess if we are living in the same house it would be wrong to start anything up,” he said, flicking his hair.

  “I'm glad you agree.”

  “No problem,” said David with a half smile.

  “If it's any consolation, my mate Kay is very interested.”

  “I meet girls like Kay every day of the week,” said David, his irritation rising.

  Josie decided to ignore the insult to her friend. “Right, well I'll go now, but I hope everything will be normal and not embarrassing. I don't want to have to move again.”

  “Like I said, no problem. I wasn't looking for anything serious anyway and you seem too serious...”

  She flinched. “There was one other thing.”

  “What?”

  “Well, this is kind of awkward.”

  He raised a quizzical eyebrow. “Yes?”

  She fiddled with her hands. “Well, did we... erm... did anything happen the other night?”

  David laughed and scratched his head. “You don't remember?”

  “Well...”

  “Ha! That's funny!” David carried on laughing for a moment. “Well, the view for me was pretty nice...”

  She went red.

  “But, no, I can assure you that nothing happened,” he said. “I offered you a beer, but you wanted tea. I made you one. Then I couldn't find you, so I checked your room. You weren't there. So I came up here and you were passed out on my bed. I was a bit gutted, but I took it like a man and went to sleep!”

  “I woke up with not many clothes on...”

  “You took them off yourself, somehow... and then passed out. And you were snoring really loudly. It took me forever to get to sleep.”

  “Oh,” said Josie.

  “Hope that makes you feel better, but it wouldn't have been that bad if something had happened, surely?”

  “Well, no,” mumbled Josie, “but complicated. This means it isn't complicated. Except that you saw me half-naked. I'm a bit embarrassed about that bit.”

  “You shouldn't be,” said David, his eyes sparkling. “You've got a great body, Josie, and I've seen a lot in my time!”

  Josie was stunned. She went even redder, started sweating, mumbled a thank you, and stumbled out of the room. Luckily, she didn't fall through the hatch.

  Sitting outside her room was Glen. He had waited patiently, almost as if he knew she'd need comforting. She gave him a hug and opened the door for him. Well, that conversation didn't go too badly, she thought. Who was she kidding? That was so embarrassing! She picked up the still-warm mug of coffee and hugged it to herself.

  Chapter 19

  Later that day, the doorbell rang and Josie jumped up to get it, but Ben was there first. Ben! She hoped his view of her hadn't diminished. Peering down the stairs she saw a smiling woman enter the house, wearing a black skirt and shirt, small black boots and carrying a small green bag. Her brown hair was cut short.

  “Hi, Anne, come in,” welcomed Ben. They went into the kitchen.

  Josie crept back to her room to continue reading her book. After a while she heard footsteps come upstairs. Her mind wandered to what food was in the fridge and suddenly she was hungry. What could she make to eat? The very thing: a veggie Shepherd's Pie that she could just bung in the oven. What could be simpler? No longer able to concentrate on her book, Josie got up and headed downstairs. She bounded into the kitchen and stopped short. Ben turned around and she noticed that his face visibly fell.

  “Oh, hi, Josie,” he said, flatly. “I was just making a drink. I'll be out of your way in a mo.”

  “There's no rush. How are you?”

  “Fine.”

  He didn't look round or ask how she was.

  Undeterred, she tried again. “I was thinking maybe we could go to the pub and play pool some time. It was fun.”

  “Maybe,” he mumbled, and picked up his mug. “See you later.”

  Okay, so he was definitely pissed off. She thought as much the other day when she'd asked him what band was playing in the pub, and he had been abrupt almost to the point of rudeness. Had she been off with him that night she got drunk? This was not good. She must have said something bad. How she wished she hadn't drunk so much that night. Josie decided to speak to him about it when she next saw him.

  Turning on the oven, she put the pie in, and then checked the fridge for vegetables. A couple of skinny carrots, a gone-off tomato and a piece of limp lettuce stared back at her. Time for a tin of baked beans, she thought.

  While she was eating her food in the kitchen, she heard the front door slam. It must have been the woman who came in earlier, she thought. Josie wondered if she was a relative of David's as she'd gone up to his room – perhaps his mother, although they didn't look similar. She imagined his mum would look like a model, unless his looks came from his father, who she thought might be Italian with film-star looks. Munching away while daydreaming, she didn't notice Ben come back in until the sound of him washing his mug broke her reverie.

  “Oh, hi, sorry, I didn't notice you ther
e. I was thinking,” she said.

  “That's fine.”

  “I was wondering... did I say something bad to you in the pub or on the way home? I'm sorry if I did. I think I drank too much.”

  “You didn't.”

  “Oh,” said Josie, relieved, though he didn't sound friendly. “Did I do something crazy? The end of the night is a bit of a blur.”

  Ben coughed, like he was hiding a laugh.

  “I didn't insult you or do anything wrong, did I?” She was grasping at straws now.

  “No, nothing like that, don't worry,” he replied, and left the kitchen.

  She put down her fork, astonished. What was wrong with him? If she didn't do anything, what was it? He must have had a bad day at work, she thought, and chided herself for being too sensitive. She took another bite of pie.

  Chapter 20

  “Yo! Ben!” said David, poking his head round the kitchen doorway.

  Ben stopped munching his cereal. “Hey!” He didn't look up.

  “You alright, mate?”

  “Yeah, course. What's up?” asked Ben, folding the newspaper, realising he wasn't going to get to read it right now.

  David slid into the seat opposite him. “Well,” he said, folding and unfolding his hands. “I just wanted to check that you were okay about me and Josie.”

  Ben, feigning indifference, tried to eat his cereal calmly. “What about you and Josie?”

  “You know... well, I guess you don't.” David sighed. “About me and Josie having a thing?”

  “A thing?”

  “Yeah, you know – a thing!” repeated David, making a sex face.

  “Ah, that kind of thing. No, I'm fine with it, if that's what's going on.”

  “Good, good, 'cos mate, I was worried. I didn't wanna step on your toes. You spoke to her first when she answered the room ad.”

  Ben shrugged. “I just see her as a housemate. She's nice. That's it.”

  “Good, good. Also, I was wondering if Glen needs a walk 'cos I'm going to the park...”

  Ben nodded. “Sure, he likes as many walks as possible that one!”

  Glen, who was sitting under the table, buried his head under his paws.

  “Did he just whine?” asked David.

  “He's fine, but maybe don't walk him long if he's not in the mood.”

  “Sure thing,” replied David, picking up Glen's lead from the hook by the door. “Come on, boy.”

  Glen

  Okay, here's the thing: how much do I want to go for a walk? I could stay here. It's stuffy and I'm bored, or I could go with Mr Tight Pants Asshole here. Decisions, decisions. “Voof. Voof. Grrrrrr.”

  Okay, growling isn't helping. Now Ben's looking under the table at me. In a minute he's going to ask me what's up, and voof, I wish I could really tell him. Hey, your housemate and so-called friend is a bum. If only I can tell him all of the secrets I see in this house. You know, Ben, when you're not here, David goes in your room and sneaks around. He uses your stuff. He drinks out of your cup. He's not really seeing Josie. I heard him tell you he is. Okay, so I crept over to the steps and listened, but voof, I know. And I'm sure she's not interested in him.

  He's just bullshitting, but then I'm pretty sure that Bullshit is his middle name. David Bullshit Up-Shit-Creek Asshole Jacob-Murphy. His name is too long anyway, voof, so may as well add some extra names in. And then there's the BIG secret – the HUGE secret you don't know. But maybe it's more funny than bad. I tell ya', Ben, I laughed when I found out.

  All this human crap aside, the park will be nice. Fresh grass, nice flowers, glorious trees, sunny day... and Miss Posh Lab may be having her walk. It's the time of day when she might. Okay, that swings it!

  “Voof!” I'm up and I'm going walkies! I see a look of confusion on Ben's face. Maybe he knows I wasn't going to go. He's looking at me like he's reading my mind today. I'm giving him the big brown-eyed 'I'm a stupid mutt' look just to get him off my scent. And I'm telling ya', you really don't wanna be sniffing me unless I've just had a wash. Ben, aren't I due a doggy bath? I'm starting to honk of a wee bit more than nice doggy fur aroma, and then I'm never going to score, ever – just maybe with some real old dog with no teeth and wobbly legs, and really, really stinky breath.

  I'm coming, I'm coming. David's getting a bit impatient. Mind what you're doing with that lead. Whoa, don't pull me! Those are stairs, they go down, and I'm going to be flying down 'em on my butt in a minute if you don't stop... thank you, that's much better. How come you're in such a hurry anyway? I'm running a bit to catch up here. Hey, look down here! Okay, just ignore me. I'll just puff a bit.

  Hello, miss! Hey, deaf ears, “voof”, did you see that girl who walked past? She looked down at me and sort of smiled. Probably felt sorry for me, being dragged along the pavement like this. I don't want to walk this fast. I wanna stroll, real slow, sniff the flowers and take in the sights. No, no, no, don't make me walk through the poopy... whoa!

  “Voof, voof, voof!” Right, that's it. I've had it. I'm sitting down. Ha! “Voof! Voof Voof!” That foxed you! Now you're stopping, big guy!

  So now you're looking at me. Yep you are going to have to walk SLOWER. That's S-L-O-W-E-R, mister. I ain't no puppy any more. Do I look like a puppy? Do I? And if you call me boy one more time I'm going to bite you! See, I'm showing my teeth! They're big, no? I know I can't bite you 'cos it's illegal but, hey, I'm thinking it, dreaming it, fantasising about it...

  “Glen, do you want to go back? Do you want to go for a walk? I'm in a hurry and you're my 'cute dog' excuse! So, come on!” David bends down and strokes me on the head.

  For a minute there, he almost persuaded me that he was nice. Well, okay, just stop pulling. Off we go. He's stopped pulling me. Cool. Voofing good. Ah, smell that rush of flowers as we pad into the park. The green grass of my other home. How I love the smell of grass. There's nothing quite like it. Eeek, doo doo! Just stepping around. Sometimes I wish my sense of smell wasn't so great. I wonder if I'm the only dog in the world who doesn't like the whiff of doo doo or it sticking to my paws.

  So where are we going? We're heading towards the lake... nope, we're turning and heading for the trees... heading for the pub. Hope this means I'm not going to be tied up for ages. I wanna play, be free, stretch my paws.

  Look! There she goes! My fantasy pooch – look at those legs... woweeee mama! Looky those big, brown eyes. Ah, I die in those. And that coat – the glossiest, golden-est coat in the world. Will she look? Will she? Come on, turn, turn.... just once... just for a second...

  “Glen, come on. If you sit here all day, I'm going to be late. Then you're just going straight home!” says David, sternly.

  Visions of biting.

  Just one minute! Ah, there she goes. She doesn't turn. She just breezes through my life like the freshest thing you ever saw, her fur bristling in the breeze. So long!

  Okay, sailor, off we go. I'm coming. No need to be rude or hasty. I've seen my baby for the day. Now all is fine in the world. Voofing great! Now let me see what the hurry is. Ah, there's a girl there, waiting, sitting on one of the chairs. I could have guessed – meeting yet another woman! She's drinking a yellow drink with one of those straws. Can't see the point of that myself – pour it into a bowl and just lap it up! Works for me! It's much faster. I've seen this girl before, but not sure where.

  “Hi, Emma!” says Tosser. “Sorry I'm a bit late. I had to feed Glen and do some stuff for him.”

  For me? You're kidding, mate. Don't get me involved. I stare up at him. What a joke!

  “No worries,” smiles this Emma. Damn, she bought his lines! Sucker! “What a lovely dog!” Well, that's nice. I like compliments. And she's patting me. Double nice.

  “What do you think?” asks David.

  “He's a nice dog. Labrador Retriever, yellow. Good teeth. You said on the phone that he's a pure bred?”

  “Yep, I've got the paperwork at home. Look at his glossy coat.”

  Emma looks and smiles. “He's a beauty.
”

  I'm sort of grinning inside. I'm a beauty? You think so? Well, jeez, that's great! If only Miss Posh Lab would notice. But I don't like being called yellow – makes me sound cowardly. I prefer golden Labrador, thank you.

  “Do you think he's up to it?” she asks.

  “I reckon so,” says Dork. “Look at him – he's in the best of health.”

  Up to what?

  “He's got a great coat, clear eyes, no dribbling, no runny nose, big paws. He's going to have big puppies.”

  Big puppies? Hang on...

  “So do you think your mother will approve?” asks David.

  “Well, if you can get the papers, I think so. He looks good to me. You must take him to the vet a lot for check-ups and take really good care of him because he's in super shape.”

  Why thank you, ma'am, but it is Ben who takes such good care of me. Though, to be honest, I wouldn't mind going to the vet less 'cos he's always shoving this big, cold thermometer up my ...

  “That's great!” grins Asshole. “I'll sort them out as soon as I can. The money we agreed, is that alright?”

  Voofing hell! He's selling me? To her! Shivers shoot up my spine. My ears and tail droop. Whimpering is going to be the next stage. Ben! Help! I'm thinking of running, but he's wrapped my lead around his chair. If I run, am I strong enough to drag him and the chair?

  “Yes, I think so. But mother pays a bonus, depending on the number of puppies and how healthy they are,” says Emma, sipping her drink slowly.

  “Voof!” No way! Puppies? Puppies! He's not selling me, but pimping me!

  “When is a good day?”

  “Sunday,” replies Emma. “Make sure he gets a lot of sleep because he's going to need it!”

  David is laughing. The girl looks at me and giggles.

  Why am I the only one not laughing? I'm going to be a doggy gigolo? Me? I can't believe it! This is so undignified! Don't I get a choice?