3 Heads & a Tail

by Vickie Johnstone

  “Sunday it is then!” David reaches out and touches Emma's hand. It just gets worse. “How about we meet up before then? You could show me where you live?”

  “I'd like that,” she says, shyly.

  “Voof.” I almost choke. But maybe I could learn something from his seductive techniques? David is definitely THE master. He's the smoothest I've ever seen. Hang on! I'm forgetting the real issue here. David just sold my puppy-making services! But with who? Who is she and what does she look like? Is she nice?

  By the time we get home, I'm coming around to the idea. Maybe it's not so bad. I can always refuse to perform. No one will know about it. But, if I do it, it's so unfair that David will be paid and not me. Maybe he'd just chuck me a biscuit if I'm doggy lucky. What am I thinking? Miss Posh Lab is the only one for me. Bad dog!

  What would Ben say if he knew? I think Ben would kill him. Maybe that's why David has been sneaking around his room – trying to find my dog papers. Maybe I have really great parents. Wonder if they are famous? I hope they didn't meet in the same way, with my papa being pimped. I hope they at least knew each other. Maybe they were a family? Ben bought me when I was only eight weeks old, so I can't remember. I wish I could ask him. Damn this language barrier. Maybe I could learn to read? No, that's just plain crazy. Yeah Brains, learn to read, learn to use the phone to call home. Which reminds me, I hope Ben's got my dinner ready 'cos I'm starving.

  “Hey Glen, you're all puffy from your walk! Atta boy!” says Ben, bending down and rubbing my head in that crazy way only he has. I smile my loopy grin to make him happy.

  “Thanks, David,” he actually says, as Mr Poser nods and goes upstairs.

  Ben, if only you knew what's going on. He's pimped me out! Me! Like some common old tart dog. I'm going to be a doggie gigolo. A dog prostitute! Ben, it's voofing embarrassing! I'm an intelligent mutt – I want to choose who I mate with. “Voof!” If only you understood me. But, hey, you're smiling and you've no idea. Even if I frown, you think it's cute. Alright, I won't sulk 'cos you'll just worry. Maybe I can think up a cunning doggie plan to outwit Mr Tosser. Mmm, food, yummy! Thankies!

  Chapter 21

  “Come on, Glen! Walkies!” called David, peeking around the door. He had seen Ben go out so he knew the coast was clear. Glen was lying on his bed with his head on his paws. He looked up, whined and looked down again. “Come on, it's a nice day.”

  “Everything okay?” asked Josie, looking out of her room. Led Zeppelin drifted out behind her.

  “Yeah,” replied David. “I promised Ben I'd take Glen for a walk, but he isn't getting up.”

  “Maybe he doesn't feel like it. I could take him later if you want. I don't mind.”

  “Nope,” said David rather hurriedly. “I really want to take him.”

  “Fine,” replied Josie, a bit taken aback. She'd never seen anyone so determined to walk a dog before. “Whatever.” Led Zeppelin floated away as she closed the door.

  “Okay, Glen, you come now or I'm never walking you again!”

  The dog put his paws over his head and whined.

  “If you don't come, I'm never feeding you again. Right, Ben feeds you. Erm, okay, I really need you to come. Come on, it's not that difficult.”

  Glen turned around on the bed so his bum was facing David, and gazed up at the wall, emblazoned with posters of big bikes and beautiful birds; not the feathered kind – the sort of women who would make a grown man whine.

  David closed the door softly. Glen turned his head round.

  “So you want to play rough, eh? Unless you come right now I'm going to make life difficult for you. I might even tell Ben you tried to bite me... or Josie.”

  Glen

  He wouldn't! I grit my teeth and growl low, but I know he would. David just peaked to take my Most Hated Person in the World Prize. Even higher than the old man who once tried to kick me in the street for almost accidentally running into him... and that yappy Jack Russell who ran off with my favourite ball. This was too much. So this was going to be life with David from now on? I turn and jump off the bed, bend my head and slouch real low.

  David smiles “good boy”, and opens the door. I want to bite him and not let go.

  I pad down the stairs and sit by the front door. Best get it over with. The quicker it's done, the quicker I can come home. I just have to think of a plan to deal with Mr Asshole later. David snaps my lead off the hook, clips it on to my collar, and we're out of the door in no time. He walks swiftly and I follow to the bottom of the road. A pale blue car waits. I'm not sure what kind of car as I've never been any good with makes. Four wheels on a box is all I can say. I don't like them much. They smell weird and go too fast.

  The car door opens and a lady aged about forty steps out. “Wow, he is a beautiful dog,” she smiles, looking me in the eyes. She looks like an animal person. I imagine she is kind. At least I'm being dog-napped by someone who likes animals!

  “Do you have the papers?” David nods and hands them to her. She looked them over, smiles and hands them back. “They look good to me. I didn't realise his dad was a Crufts Champion. I'm impressed.”

  Neither did I. A champion? Wow! Talk about big wow! I'm pedigree! I'm posh! I bask in my glory. “Voof.”

  They glance down at my woof. I lick my chops.

  “Let's go. My Mimi will be waiting,” says the lady who revealed my history, stepping back into the driver's seat.

  Mimi? What kind of name is that? Is it a poodle's? I hope not. Still basking in the glow of my wonderful heritage, I let David put me on the back seat with no complaint. He opens the window and I stick my head out. Air please! My tongue slips out and I lap the fresh air. Then the car moves and I gulp as my tummy does a weird dance.

  A short drive later – we could have walked it really – we arrive at a big house. It's huge, much bigger than the one we live in. The garden in front is really big too, with huge rose bushes, smelling nice. Pairs of tall trees walk up to the front door and we wander in between them. I look around, amazed, wondering what it would be like to live here. Inside, the place is grand. Voofing big! Huge! Voofing huge! I've never seen anything like it, but it seems we're not staying.

  “Let's go into the garden,” says the lady. “It's a messy business and I don't want to get anything horrid on the furniture!”

  What's she talking about? Who knows? I pad behind them into the garden. Garden? It's more like a field. It's massive. I'd never have to go walkies if I lived here. It's a voofing park!

  The lady beckons us to follow her to a wooden, hut-like thing. “We'll do this in the shed!”

  In there? I'd have thought we'd at least have a nice doggy bed, or even a floor with a carpet or a nice rug, but a shed? I can't help it, I whine. I don't like bare, wooden floors. They're cold on my bum. I want to go home.

  “Come on Glen, it's not so bad,” says The Biggest Tosser in the World. He's actually grinning.

  Visions of biting – to the bone.

  David smirks. I hold my cool and pad into the shed behind the lady. I guess she doesn't realise how awful the environment is that she's chosen for this... well... activity. It's all so... beneath me! I'm posh after all – I've got important parents!

  “This is Mimi,” says the lady, getting excited, as if she's arranging a date. “Mimi, honey, this is Glen. He's the offspring of a Crufts Champion.”

  A soft whine emerges from the shadowy back of the shed and a small Labrador steps forward into the light – a perfectly formed, very golden Labrador.

  “You!” I whine.

  “You!” she whines back.

  I can't believe my eyes! My perfect dream from the park! Miss Posh Lab! Miss doggy-baby! My tongue hangs out in shock. I suck it back in quickly before I look a total idiot mutt.

  “I've seen you in the park!”

  “I've seen you too,” she says, her eyes wide with surprise. She has really long lashes and lovely ears. Her nose is a little wet, but not too wet, her eyes big and brown.

 
I realise I'd taken too long to reply 'cos I'm just gaping at her. “Voof! Sorry, I'm just so surprised. I have to tell you, this isn't my idea!”

  “Nor mine!” she says. “Apparently your dad is a Crufts Champion, so my owner picked you!”

  “I had no idea, I just found out myself. I know nothing about my parents.”

  “Really?” she asked, her eyes widening and then softening. “That's sad.”

  “I know,” I reply, milking the moment a little. I could stare into her big brown eyes forever. Snap out of it, I tell myself, but I can't. My tail is wagging like it never wagged before. I think my bum may go flying off with the momentum! If it does, I hope it hits David smack in the face!

  “Do you think they hate each other?” asks the lady standing behind us. “They are doing a lot of barking and whining... I'm not sure if this was a good idea. Mimi looks scared.”

  “Maybe they will quieten down,” replies Tosser, as if he knows anything about dogs. “Maybe they are getting to know each other.” Weirdly, he's spot on there.

  “I didn't think you even noticed me in the park,” says Mimi, shyly.

  “Are you kidding?! I notice you every time you're there. It brightens my day. I thought you didn't notice me!”

  “But I did!” She gives me a big doggy grin. “I did, but I was with the dog walker and she doesn't slow down. I couldn't stop really. But I did see you... especially when you flew into that tree!”

  I cringe. “Voof! Voof! You saw that? No! That's so doggy embarrassing!”

  “But it was so funny!” she replies. “I thought you looked cute! I wanted to find out if you were alright, but the next time I saw you, you looked well.”

  “Thanks.”

  She is so cute herself. This is a dream come true. She noticed me! She's talking to me! But the circumstances! I plummet straight back down to Earth. What to do? I can't go through with this! I want to get to know her, take things slowly. I'm not a hello ma'am, bam, thank you kind of dog. And she is perfection.

  “Glen!” says David, sternly.

  I turn round and Mimi turns at the same time. We look at each other and then at the two humans. I can't do this. “Don't worry,” I say. “I have a plan, but next time I'm in the park can I talk to you?”

  She smiles. “If you don't, I will be voofing angry! My name is Mimi.”

  My tummy wobbles and I smile back. “I'm Glen.”

  Then I pretend to have a very big fit. I'm barking, spinning, jumping, making weird whining noises and then I try to hump the lady's leg. That does it. It works. David and me are sent packing. I wink at Mimi on the way out. What a day! What a dog! What a beaut! Life was beautiful. Suddenly I feel I can fly and I look up with happiness at the pigeons. Well, maybe that's an ambition too far! It just shows you never know how a day is going to turn out.

  Chapter 22

  “Walkies, Glen!” yelled Ben. He hadn't lifted the dog lead off the hook before the golden Labrador was by his side, looking up with his dopey eyes.

  “Wow, you're keen today!” observed Ben, clipping his lead on.

  Josie appeared at the top of the stairs. “Are you taking Glen for a walk?”

  Ben looked up. Well, obviously! But then he thought he needed to get over it and be polite. “Yes, I am.”

  “Do you mind if I come?” asked Josie. “I could do with some fresh air. I've been working on a story for my magazine and it's going nowhere.”

  Going nowhere – I know the feeling, thought Ben. “Yeah sure,” he said, as coolly as he could manage.

  “Great, I'll just grab my bag!”

  “Looks like we have company,” he said, stroking Glen's head.

  The dog grinned with his tongue out, his brown eyes shining. Ben studied him. “You seem pretty happy lately... happier than usual. Whatever you're on, boy, I want some of it.”

  Glen stared back happily.

  “If only you could understand what I'm saying,” said Ben with a sigh. “I bet you'd be really good at giving me advice. You're probably the only one who really knows me.”

  Glen stared back. Ben looked at his blank, happy face and patted him on the head. The dog whined a little.

  Josie hopped down the stairs. Glen jumped up, wagging his tail, and she gave him a big hug. “Hey, Mr Softy, how are you today?”

  Ben opened the front door and they emerged into the daylight. The brightness made them blink as they trotted down the steps and towards the park. All three were in their element around nature. They had a lot in common really. Josie smiled at the silver birches and the lovely little wild flowers, their heads nodding in the breeze. Ben gazed up at the pale blue sky, furnished with wisps of silky white cloud, lost in his thoughts. They headed towards the lake, which was full of ducks and a few swans. Some geese sat on the bank of the lake and birds chirped in the trees lining the edges. Glen trotted along happily between Ben and Josie, sniffing the grass and flowers, and dodging the bad-smelling stuff.

  Glen stopped abruptly. Ben looked down as the lead pulled backwards, waking him from his daydream. In front of them was another Retriever Labrador. Ben noticed that her coat was very shiny. A young woman was walking her, dressed in jeans, trainers and a T-shirt saying 'Fur coats are beautiful animals worn by ugly people'. Cool message, he thought, smiling slightly. The girl had long brown hair, worn in two long plaits. Ben watched as she bent down to stroke the dog, which had stopped walking, just like Glen, and was staring at him.

  “This is weird,” said Josie.

  “Yeah,” said Ben. “I've never seen that dog before.”

  Josie's eyes lit up. “I have! It's the one he was staring at before. Remember – when he crashed into a tree?!”

  Glen glanced up and whined. Ben patted him on the head. Glen looked up, licked his hand and then started walking towards the other dog, pulling Ben behind. Josie followed.

  As Glen walked forward, so the other dog started walking towards him. The girl, bewildered, went with it.

  “Sorry,” said Ben to the girl, as the two dogs met. “I guess our dogs wanted to say hello to each other.”

  “I think so,” replied the girl shyly, blinking in the sun. “She's in heat at the moment. I keep walking her away quickly whenever I spot a male dog in the vicinity!”

  Ben nodded. “Glen's safe. I don't think he's like normal dogs.”

  “How so?” asked the girl.

  “Well, I think he's a bit eccentric!”

  “Really?” she asked, laughing.

  “Yep, he likes baths, watches TV, hates walking in dog pooh in the park – he swerves to avoid it – and he doesn't run after female dogs. In fact, I think your dog is the first one he's been interested in for a long time.”

  The girl giggled. “Weird, but kind of cute – he sounds almost human!”

  “Oh, now they're sniffing each other's bums,” observed Josie. “That's definitely not human!”

  Everyone looked the other way.

  Glen

  It's so great to see her again. “Voof, voof, voof.” Ben and Josie are looking confused, but I think it's okay now 'cos we're all sitting down together. I'm so happy. It's like a dream come true. Here I am in the park and Mimi is sitting here next to me. She smells so nice and her coat is so shiny, even shinier than I remember though not as shiny as those glorious brown eyes. I could melt in them. But hey, now I sound like one of those actors in those cheesy black-and-white films Ben watches. I thought she'd never notice me, but here I am, sitting next to the best-looking dog in the neighbourhood.

  Ha, look, there's that big Doberman walking past and he's looking. Bet he's jealous. All the dogs are looking at me as they walk past with their owners. Bet they didn't know I had it in me. Well, come on, even I didn't know I had it in me! Here she is, Mimi, enjoying my company. If only it could last forever. I hope Ben doesn't get bored soon and want us to go. But, hey, look at that – he's chatting to the girl who was walking Mimi. She's pretty. Josie isn't talking, but looking at the sky. That's an awkward position to be in!<
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  “It's voofing good to see you again,” says Mimi. “I'm really glad we met, even though it was embarrassing!”

  “Voof! Me too,” I say. “Did you like my big fit? I figured it was the only way I could get us out of that situation!”

  Mimi laughs, which sounds like a whine to humans. “Yeah, I loved it. Voof! You're a very good actor, Glen.”

  “Thanks, voof, I like it when you say my name – I'm just used to Ben saying it!”

  Mimi looks at Ben. “He has a kind face.”

  “He is,” I nod. “He's great. I'm lucky to have him.”

  “Who is the woman?”

  “Josie. She lives with us. Only moved in a couple of weeks ago,” I explain, feeling a bit sorry for her, sitting there in silence as Ben and the girl chat and giggle away. “I wish you could come home with us.”

  “Me too,” replies Mimi, her brown eyes widening. “I'd like to see where you live. Do you have a garden?”

  “Voof, but it's small and a bit wild. It's not as big as yours. I like the park better.”

  “Me too, I love the smell of the grass and the trees, and watching the ducks on the lake. On sunny days like this it's the best place in the world.” With that, she rolled on her back with her paws in the air, basking in the sun. Her tongue rolled out.

  I feel like I'm going to do something crazy, but I stop myself. This is a first date. I can't do what I'm thinking! Ben would tell me off! Instead, I just sit here watching, calming myself down. Stop being a horny old dog, I tell myself. Mimi's looking at me smiling. I can't resist. I nuzzle her face and she nuzzles me back, wagging her tail. Then my tail is wagging like the wind.

  “Wow, look,” I hear Ben say. I look up and he's pointing. Josie is saying “Ahhhhh”, and Ben is laughing, “I didn't know he was such an old romantic!”

  “I think they like each other,” said the girl.

  Everyone seems fine with the situation, which is voofing fantastic! I nuzzle Mimi some more. We stay in the park for maybe an hour, but time just speeds past, and before I know it, it's time to go home.