Conscious Decisions of the Heart

by John Wiltshire

Nikolas clenched his jaw. “I’m still having occasional hallucinations. It’s nothing for you to worry about.” He flicked his eyes down again, frowning deeply, and then dragged them back up to Ben. “I’m ignoring them. They usually go away.” He picked up his glass of water, staring once more out of the window.

  Suddenly, there was a loud, piercing scream, and a woman at the table next to them leapt out of her chair, screaming endlessly as she peered at the floor and then dancing away as if something was burning her. Her companion began to shout, and he too pushed away from the table, his chair tipping over. Nikolas watched all with this apparent fascination, and then when Ben cried out, “Fucking hell, I can see a bloody body!” Nikolas chuckled and confessed, clearly very relieved and pleased, “Join the club, Benjamin.”

  § § §

  It was fairly hideous, and once Nikolas had gotten over his extreme satisfaction at finding out he hadn’t been hallucinating, he was entertained by the peculiar disadvantage of having a glass-floored restaurant. There was a body lapping gently under the water in full view of everyone in the place, face up, eyes wide, slightly nibbled and going nowhere. He supposed he had to make allowances for the fact most people had probably never seen a dead body and the juxtaposition of it floating fishlike under a seafood restaurant was rather unfortunate, but still, they did make a huge amount of unnecessary noise about it. It was giving him a headache. He suggested to Ben they leave, but to his surprise, Ben was finding it morbidly interesting. “How do you think he got there?”

  Nikolas looked at him. “I would think he floated in, no?”

  “But he’s dressed in a suit. You don’t go swimming—”

  “Well, no, he fell from the sky.”

  “Huh?”

  “This afternoon. He fell into the drop off.”

  Ben turned to him, glanced around, and saw a number of people were standing close, so he took Nikolas’s arm and led him away, even though they were speaking Danish. “You saw that man fall out of the sky, and you didn’t say anything? To me? To anyone?”

  Nikolas shrugged. “I see lots of things.”

  Ben just stared at Nikolas for a while longer. “Did you see a plane?”

  Nikolas frowned again. “No, why?”

  “Well, duh! He didn’t just fall from heaven, for fuck’s sake.”

  By this time, one of the waiters had been volunteered to swim under the restaurant to pull the body out. He clearly wasn’t too happy with the task. This was slightly more interesting for Nikolas to watch, because the waiter had stripped down to his white shorts for the swim and, apparently, no one had anticipated this lightweight tropical material getting wet, because it became completely transparent when it was. Ben also seemed to think this was worth detailed study, so they stood watching the young man twisting and turning under the glass, trying to drag the heavy body behind him. He couldn’t hold his breath for long enough to make the swim in one try. Nikolas said he’d go and help, which got him a punch on the arm, so it was some time before the body was retrieved and dragged to the beach.

  It seemed like a good time to leave. Neither wanted to be questioned by the police, even as vague witnesses, and Nikolas wasn’t about to mention what he’d seen out by the drop off. He did think about it, though, and something had occurred to him that piqued his interest in the whole dead-man-in-a-suit incident. But he pushed it to one side and piqued his interest in Ben for the rest of the night. He was in trouble, he knew, mainly for not mentioning the whole falling-body thing, but also for his interest in the waiter.

  He found it amusing if Ben ever watched another man, because this rather negated Ben’s assertion he wasn’t gay, but Ben hated it if he even so much as flicked a glance to anyone. He enjoyed Ben’s jealousy, though, so he sometimes engineered it so he could smooth it away later. Ben wasn’t quite so easily placated this night, so it was some time before Nikolas could return to his interesting thoughts. Ben finally fell asleep, his head on Nikolas’s chest, both of them naked on the bed, hot and sticky. In his mind, though, Nikolas was in the deep, cold water and seeing again the moment when the man hit the ocean and sank. Rapidly…Unnaturally so…At the time, believing he was seeing things anyway, it hadn’t struck him as so odd that when he dived down to watch the body sink under the water, it hadn’t been there. Clearly it was real, so the only thing he could conclude was it’d been weighed down with something very heavy that had taken it down rapidly, but which had now broken free and let the body rise to the surface and wash into the lagoon. Whatever the heavy thing was, therefore, it was still at the bottom of the drop off…He lay awake, idly stroking Ben’s shoulder, thinking for the rest of the night. If questioned on this, he’d have denied vehemently he was excited by the prospect of going treasure hunting; he wasn’t ten years old, after all.

  But that’s exactly what he was thinking.

  § § §

  The next day, Ben was surprised when Nikolas asked him if he knew how to dive. Ben did, of course, as he’d dived with the army many times. He’d never bothered to get certified, though; they’d have to join the hotel’s dive school and do a course if they wanted go diving alone on the holiday. Nikolas didn’t mention this again, but when Ben went to the gym, he accompanied him to the hotel and went to use his computer. When they returned to the hotel that night to eat, there was an envelope waiting for Nikolas at reception, and he took it to the table with them. It had just their names on it, Christian Beck, Benjamin Rider. Nikolas tore it open and pulled out two faxed sheets. He smiled and handed them to Ben. “It appears we’re both qualified divers and can hire our own equipment.”

  “Huh?”

  “I pay Kate ridiculous sums of money, but so far my investment has paid off handsomely.”

  “You’ve had fake dive certification made up for us? Why?”

  “So we can hire a plane and go flying. Don’t be dense, Benjamin.”

  “No, I mean, I get you want to go diving and as usual can’t be bothered to do anything legally or properly, but why dive in the first place? It’s activity. Since when do you do activity?”

  Nikolas pulled out one of his irritating dismissive waves Ben had almost missed. “You need to keep busy, Benjamin, or you’ll start to get into mischief—fooling around with waiters. I’m merely doing my duty as your—” He laughed suddenly. “Did you just kick me?” He took the certificates back and studied them. “So, do you know how to dive?”

  “Yes, I do, but it’s been years! You have to—”

  “Can you teach me?”

  That rocked Ben back a little. “Me, teach you?”

  Nikolas frowned. “Yes. I don’t know how to dive! We were a little busy in the Russian army, winning wars, fucking with corrupt western democracies and destroying the evils of capitalism. I didn’t have time to swan around to holiday destinations, diving.”

  “You’re pissed that I know how to do something you don’t, aren’t you? This is the first time in five years you’re going to have to listen to me and do what I say. Oh, God, I’m so going to enjoy this. And did you just call capitalism evil? You?” He waved vaguely around the room to emphasise his point.

  Nikolas refused to discuss it further. He tucked the certificates into his pocket and picked up the menu. He chuckled and showed it to Ben. “They’ve taken off the sushi.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  The next day, Nikolas woke Ben early. This wasn’t that unusual as Ben was used to being woken with some part of Nikolas’s anatomy on or in him, but this morning all he got was an elbow and then some clothes thrown at him. He was still groggy and sore from the previous night’s activities and wanted to swim to cool off and wake up, but Nikolas claimed they’d have plenty of swimming later and made him get dressed. They motored over to the beach and went to the dive shop, which was still closed, much to Nikolas’s annoyance. Ben was able to have some breakfast in the restaurant before he was dragged back to the shop and told imperiously to hire them whatever they needed.

  Ben dutifully got two set
s of everything, showing his certification and waiting while they checked online to see if they were registered. They were, of course. They humped the equipment back to the boat, and Ben then knew something was definitely up. Nikolas never carried anything, but he heaved the scuba unit onto his broad shoulders and set off as if he’d never had staff to fetch and carry for him most of his adult life.

  They returned to the hut, and then Ben discovered the joy of teaching someone who thought he knew everything anyway. Ben only knew one way to teach someone—the way he’d been taught. The army specialised in training and did so in one very effective way. Everything began with the naming of parts. Nikolas wasn’t the least interested in what anything was called and quickly rejected most of the stuff Ben had rented as unnecessary—they didn’t apparently need watches, computers, or floats. Nik did like the knife and strapped it to the side of his calf. He gave negligible interest to Ben’s attempt to show him how the tank worked and announced they were ready.

  § § §

  Ben strapped the other knife to his thigh. Nikolas’s interest suddenly switched like a honing beacon from the mass of equipment on the deck to Ben. He raked his gaze over him from head to toe and focused back on the loose black trunks that had slipped, displaying the almost zero body-fat V-line of Ben’s abs. He swallowed audibly. “You’ve just eaten, we’ll wait for a while.” He caught Ben’s arm and pulled him to the bed, straddling him. He was very hard through his swimsuit, his intention clear. Ben gave him a disbelieving look. “Tell me it wasn’t the knife. Please tell me you didn’t just get turned on by me wearing a knife.”

  Nikolas trailed his fingers down the V on both sides, meeting them just at the top of Ben’s waistband. He reached down and came back with Ben’s knife in his hand. “What? This one?”

  Ben licked his lips. He suddenly tried to throw Nikolas off, but he’d been just a little too obvious and slow. Nikolas leant into the hold, pinning Ben’s shoulders. “Benjamin…what do you think I’m going to do?” He grinned at his own joke. “This?” The tip of the knife ran across Ben’s nipple, so lightly he could hardly feel it and certainly not enough to mark him. Nikolas had no intention of marking his precious possession. But he was enjoying Ben squirming beneath him. Both in swimsuits, there wasn’t much Nikolas didn’t know about the effect the scrape of steel on flesh was having on his captive. Just to be sure, though, he slid a hand under the waistband and eased Ben’s cock out, just enough so the enticing head was visible, poking out from the waistband. Ben could hide nothing then. As the knife trailed across his belly, pre-cum pooled from the tiny hole to glisten on his sweat-soaked muscles. When Nikolas rested the tip of the knife right on the little opening, just grazing it around the sensitive, pink head, Ben’s eyes said one thing, but his cock betrayed his need—his greed.

  Nikolas wetted the tip of the knife in the leaking fluid, eliciting a long, heartfelt groan from Ben as the cold metal touched him, and then he brought it to Ben’s mouth, making him lick it, pushing it over his lips, in and out, gently fucking his mouth with the knife. It betrayed an incredible level of trust that Ben allowed the sharp steel to penetrate him so intimately. Nikolas was pretty sure he’d never be able to do that, and suddenly all he wanted was Ben’s pleasure, not his.

  He tossed the knife to one side and kissed the parted lips, tongue exploring and tasting where steel had been, and then he began to kiss down Ben’s sweaty body, licking and tasting every inch of him until he got to the place he’d been aiming for all along. He licked across Ben’s exposed cockhead, pushed his tongue into the slit, then sucked him gently like a plumb into his mouth before letting him fall wetly out. Ben groaned, lifted his hips, pulled himself fully out, grabbed Nikolas’s head and demandingly pushed him back on.

  They’d not discussed the night when Nikolas had allowed himself to be restrained, or the things Ben had done to him under that restraint. But that had been the first time Ben had ever broken their agreement that if he wanted a blowjob it had to be on Nikolas’s terms, not forced, not even gently encouraged. But now, that night had proved Nikolas was not quite so mired in his past as he once was, painful memories of being forced to do this had receded, or perhaps been supplanted by the pleasure it now gave him when he worked on Ben. So when Ben held Nikolas’s blond hair and forced him deeper, held him on, lifted and rode into his mouth, Nikolas stayed with it.

  Nikolas allowed Ben to use his mouth, to ride him, thinking all the time of the trust Ben continually showed in him. Even when Ben threw him onto his back, straddled his shoulders and forced himself back into his mouth from above, Nikolas let it go, relaxed into the effort and just let Ben do what he wanted. When he felt the deep release of warm cum jet into the back of his throat and heard the extreme pleasure of Ben’s orgasm, he just swallowed and tried to ignore the unconscious but painful grip Ben had on his hair. Finally, Ben released him and tipped to one side of the bed, panting. His body was running in sweat, his skin glistening, heat flushed high on his cheekbones. He turned his face to Nikolas and blinked, green eyes hugely dilated. “I think you just answered my question about the knife kink.”

  Nikolas nodded then pulled at his arm. “Come. Back to the equipment.”

  Ben groaned theatrically and protested, but Nikolas was adamant. He dragged Ben to the deck, adjusted him so he was decent, returned his knife to him, and then picked up one of the units. “Turn around.”

  Ben helped Nikolas in turn, and then they stepped off into the water.

  § § §

  Ben had assumed they’d just splash around in the shallow, warm water, so he was slightly alarmed when Nikolas fitted his snorkel and took off, swimming powerfully for the drop off. He caught up, both of them encumbered by equipment and weights, but aided by fins. They reached the point where Nikolas seemed to want to be, and Ben watched as he lined up with glances at the hillsides and the huts in the distance behind them. He tested his flashlight. Ben caught his arm and removed his snorkel. “Okay, enough. Tell me what this is about.”

  Nikolas raised his eyes. “We’re seeking hidden treasure.”

  “Yeah, okay, what’s the real reason?”

  Nikolas frowned. “No, I’m being serious. The man that fell? He sank here. Really quickly. More quickly than he should’ve done, so I believe he had something heavy and valuable with him.”

  Ben stared at him for a moment then explained pointedly, “Nikolas, he didn’t fall from a plane. He was most likely pushed out, in which case, he would’ve been weighed down to ensure he sank—with lead? Concrete?” He tapped Nikolas lightly on the head with his knuckles. “Are you remembering you’re not thinking very clearly sometimes? Hello?”

  Nikolas’s frown deepened. “You can be very boring sometimes, Benjamin. Now, how do I turn this air thing on?”

  Ben sighed. He was quite keen to dive down the face of the drop off anyway, so he decided to play along. Playing along with Nikolas often had serendipitous outcomes. He wasn’t entirely sure he had a competent dive companion, however. It was now pretty obvious Nikolas hadn’t been listening to a word he’d been told about equipment use. Maybe he shouldn’t have given the lesson in a swimsuit. But he was committed now. He fixed Nikolas’s air, gave him the thumbs up, insisted on one back, and then they dived.

  Ben experienced an immediate stab of intense excitement as they sank through the filtered light. Nikolas turned on his back, watching the blue-black light fade. Then he rolled gracefully and continued his powerful strokes down the face of the cliff. Ben followed the retreating figure, trying to ignore growing anxiety; had he known Nikolas wanted to dive this deep, he’d have taken more trouble to ensure the idiot understood how to actually use his equipment. They reached the bottom; the sand—coarser and rockier here than in the lagoon—was spotlighted in the beam from their torches. They swam away from the cliff, sweeping the surface.

  Time seemed to move more slowly down here in the depths of the drop off. Ben wished he’d brought the dive watch. He reckoned they’d been down half a
n hour. He was waiting for Nikolas to admit he was just embarrassed about thinking he’d hallucinated the body falling—confess it and give up on this quest. Even if they did find something, which was very unlikely given the size of the ocean floor, Ben was convinced it would merely be lead weights. It was very cold at this depth, and they hadn’t worn suits. He swam up alongside Nikolas and indicated they had to surface. Nikolas shook his head and held up five fingers. Ben nodded—five minutes more and then light, warmth, and, hopefully, something to eat. It was hard work diving in the cold.

  Ben was the first to see it, something unnatural in all this nature. It was a case, the aluminium reflecting off the beam of his torch. He swam to it, flashing his light at Nikolas to get his attention. Together, they hovered over the object, and then Nikolas picked it up—or tried to. He couldn’t lift it off the ocean floor. Ben came around and pushed from beneath and it rose. Swimming hard, using their leg muscles and fins, they propelled it to the surface. They were some way now from the edge, so it was really difficult work to swim on the surface with the case. Ben pulled out his knife and cut loose Nikolas’s weights and then his own, and that made it possible to get the case back to the shallow waters of the lagoon where they let it drop to the white sand beneath them. Nikolas ripped off his mask and tipped onto his back, panting. Ben copied him, and they lay, floating, letting the sun warm them for a while. Finally, Ben slipped out of his dive unit. “I’ll go get the boat.”