Enlightened

by A. L. Waddington

Jackson and I snuggled back down on the couch together with the album resting across both our legs.

  “Aren’t your parents going to be upset that we’re looking at these?” I inquired.

  “My parents left for Boston yesterday. My sister has the flu and they decided to take a long weekend to help her.” A sly grin slid across his face.

  “You’re telling me that we have an empty house for the next several days?” My heart leapt out of my chest with excitement.

  “Yes. And we’re going to remember that we’re waiting.” He played like he was trying to escape from me and I burst out laughing.

  “Yes. Yes. Right. Waiting.” I pulled him closer to me laughing at the shocked expression he pretended.

  “Miss Jocelyn, I never…” he covered his face before I could kiss him.

  “Oh bull,” I shook my head. “You seem to forget. You have. I have not!”

  “Oh, right. Sorry,” he dropped his head to his chest trying to act ashamed of himself. “Can we just look at the album? Please?” His eyes met back up with mine.

  We settled back down beside one another. I placed my hand calmly over the album and thought about all that this held for the two of us, the story of our lives yet to come. My eyes drifted back up to Jackson’s face and our eyes held each other for a moment in time.

  “Are you ready for this?” I whispered.

  “Yes, very.” A slight grin crossed his shapely full lips.

  I slowly opened the cover revealing the first wedding photo. We both stared at it with disbelief.

  “You certainly are a beautiful bride.”

  “And you are a stunningly handsome groom.”

  He smiled softly and turned the page. We sat in silence as we watched our future unfold on the pages across our lap. The years of college danced before our eyes in the various snapshots taken of us as the family’s disappointment. The childless couple. I wondered for a brief second how we must have been perceived by everyone except Jackson’s family, of course, as the couple who were married for almost ten years without ever producing one child. It must have been so hard on my parents since they were so family oriented. But it was also a comfort to know that in the end, I didn’t let them down. I gave my parents three very beautiful grandchildren to be proud of.

  Jackson turned to the page where he had his arms wrapped around my enormous belly. His smiled brightened and he traced his finger lightly over the photo of my protruding stomach. “Wow. Look at that. Amazing,” his eyes met mine. “I love you,” he whispered.

  “I love you, too.”

  Jackson stared back down at the pregnant picture for several more minutes without saying a word. My eyes shifted from the image on the page to the expression of adoration across his face.

  With slight hesitation and a slight tremble in his fingers, he gently flipped the page over.

  “Gavin,” he whispered in a small voice broken up with a smile and tears gleaming in his eyes. I choked back my own tears and couldn’t manage to utter a sound.

  More than two hours after we opened the album, we found the strength to close it again. We sat together, both unsure what to say. I had managed not to look any further, so the final two thirds of the album were just as new to me as they were to him. From all that we had witnessed, we felt truly blessed, and had every reason to believe that we lived a very full and happy life together. The final page in the album finished with the photos of our eldest son’s wedding ceremony. It was perfect, almost too perfect.

  I rested my head back on his chest, fully content with the world. The grandfather clocked chimed in the foyer breaking the silence. Without thinking, I absentmindedly counted the gongs and for the first time I realized how late it really was.

  “It’s nine o’clock already?”

  Jackson turned towards me. “Yeah. So?”

  “We have that New Moon showing at midnight. I was supposed to be taking a nap this evening,” I complained with a grin.

  “And how is that working out for you?”

  “Not so well. It’s going to be a long day at school tomorrow.”

  “You don’t have to go to school tomorrow, you know. You could just spend the day here with me.” He pulled me back down to his chest.

  “Hold on just a sec.”

  I pulled my cell from my sweatshirt pocket. I quickly dialed my dad’s number and waited for him to answer. He finally picked up on the third ring. I told him I was across the street then reminded him that I was going to the midnight show and promised to be home directly afterwards. He told me to be careful and that was it. I was surprised he didn’t ask me if Ethan was going.

  “Is everything all right?” Jackson asked.

  “Sure. Just one more thing.”

  I quickly texted Jenna a message asking her to call my phone at ten o’clock in case I dozed off and don’t hear my phone alarm. I knew she was sound asleep at the moment, but would check her phone as soon as her eyes popped open.

  “Okay. I’m good.” I rolled back over and snuggled into his chest.

  “This is how I want to spend the rest of my life. Holding you in my arms,” he leaned down and kissed the top of my head.

  CHAPTER 22

  Friday, November 22, 1878

  MY EYES OPENED WITH RENEWED SPIRIT. The morning light barely broke through the curtains as the grey skies threatened rain at any moment. The ground was once again covered with frost and the cold air was so thick it could actually be seen through the thin glass.

  However, none of that mattered. Things between Jackson and I were wonderful once more. Whatever issue or disagreement we had experienced had been resolved there. I was positive of it. We were back on a solid ground together and closer than before. I could feel it in my very soul. Even though I could not explain the rush of relief that flooded my entire body, I was elated to experience it.

  I arose quickly and gathered my robe off my vanity chair. I washed my face with the cool water in the basin and struggled with trying to brush the knots out of my matted hair. It wasn’t long before I realized that my efforts were fruitless and Mimi was going to have to take care of it for me.

  Taking a closer look at myself in the mirror, I laughed out loud in the hollow room thinking that there was no possible way I could show up at the breakfast table looking like I did. My family’s opinion of my fragile state was already concerning them and this would most certainly cause them nothing but alarm.

  After a long, hot bubble bath, Mimi helped me dress before she skillfully curled my hair and pinned it up properly. She carefully applied a subtle amount of make-up to my ashen skin in a vague attempt to cover the effects of the last several weeks and the obvious toll they had taken physically on me. By the time she had completed her craft, I looked almost back to my former self.

  I arrived downstairs shortly before nine. The house was fairly quiet with only the usual sounds of the crackling fire and the staff going about their daily chores. Mother and Olivia were reading by the fire.

  “Good morning. You are looking much better. How are you feeling?” My mother greeted me.

  They both looked up and smiled when I entered the room.

  “Wonderful, absolutely wonderful,” I declared, taking a seat on the lounge.

  They both gave me an inquisitive look with a hint of confusion. I casually ignored their unspoken questions and happily accepted the cup of coffee Missy brought in for me. Neither mentioned my behavior as of late or the fact that I had missed several days of school. Instead, we turned our attention to discussing various novels that we had previously read. It was a safe enough topic that filled the time without allowing them the opportunity to ask the questions they truly wanted the answers to.

  ***

  William came home a short while before Sarah put dinner on the table. I heard him greet Eddie when he entered the foyer and I rushed in front of Olivia and my mother to see him, hoping desperately that Jackson was with him.

  I stopped short in my steps when I saw him standing alone handing his
coat and hat to Eddie.

  “Good afternoon, Jocelyn. You seem to be feeling better,” he happily greeted me.

  “Hello William,” I leaned against the doorframe disappointed. “Where is Jackson?”

  “He went home.”

  I ran to the door and yanked it open, but my brother grabbed my arm.

  “Jocelyn, wait. He said he will be here after dinner.”

  But I couldn’t wait. I had waited long enough. I jerked my arm away from his grasp and took off out the front door. William hollered after me, but my legs were already carrying me towards the man I desperately needed to see. The chilly air whipped around my face and through my hair as I ran as fast as I could in the heavy gown.

  I came to an abrupt halt on the Chandler’s front porch. I hunched over breathing heavy, trying to catch my breath before I knocked on the door. Anxiety rippled through my body making it all the more difficult to calm my breathing.

  I stood there for several minutes inwardly talking myself down, continually reminding myself that everything between Jackson and I was fine. The storm had passed and had made us stronger. However, that shred of doubt and the unknown about what the details of the disagreement contained still frightened me. I wished I had some idea of what I had actually done to cause such a fight that threatened the continuation of our very relationship. I had nearly driven myself insane for two days trying to uncover the answer to that very question.

  I took one last deep breath and exhaled slowly as I rapped lightly on their door. Dreadful moments passed before I finally heard footsteps drawing closer.

  “Miss Jocelyn, how nice to see you. Please, come in,” Robert unexpectedly greeted me and stepped aside.

  “Good evening, Mr. Chandler,” I said, my voice slightly cracked. “Is Mr. Jackson available?”

  “Of course.” We walked into their front room. “Please, have a seat. Jackson is upstairs putting his things away. I will let him know you are here.”

  Robert placed his hand on my shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze before exiting the room.

  I stood in front of the fire and fidgeted nervously hearing the distant sounds of their staff bustling about the house. Minutes later, I turned around at the sound of footsteps descending the stairs. Jackson entered the room looking stunningly handsome in his deep gray suit. He had removed his jacket and tie but still had his vest on with his pocket watch chain dangling across his midsection.

  “Hello, darling,” he waltzed to me and embraced me tightly. “I have missed you this week.” He leaned down and kissed the top of my head.

  “Oh, I missed you too.” My eyes welled up as I gazed into his emerald eyes. “I am so sorry for whatever I did to upset you,” I gushed, making a smile widen across his full lips.

  “I got an interesting call from my father on Wednesday about that,” he chuckled. “He said you were in quite a state about it. He felt badly that he could not explain it to you.”

  “I see nothing funny about my torment.” I dropped my arms from around his neck and walked over to the window. It had finally started raining lightly and the sky was starting to grow darker with evening settling in. Jackson came up behind me and wrapped his arms back around my waist.

  “I am sorry, darling. I know you must have been very concerned.” He rested his cheek against the top of my head and I let myself lean back into him, giving up all unsettling feelings I had.

  “I was. I woke up knowing. I mean feeling something horrible had happened between us, but I had no inkling as to what it was. It makes no logical sense,” I complained. “However, nothing in my life makes any sense anymore.”

  “I understand. I wish there was something I could do to make all of this easier for you,” he tightened his hold on me.

  “Will you please explain to me what we had a disagreement over?” I turned to face him and pleaded for answers.

  His face dropped a little further and I knew his answer before he could speak the words.

  “But why not?” I almost shouted, catching even myself by surprise with my tone.

  “Jocelyn.”

  I pulled away from him once more and paced around the room.

  “Please, try and understand,” he gestured with open arms.

  I spun around to confront him from across the room with my hands placed firmly upon my hips. “Understand? What is there to understand? My world is falling apart around me. I am experiencing a rush of emotions that I cannot reason and you refuse to tell me why!”

  “Trust me. Everything is fine now. We worked it out Thursday after school. There is nothing for you to worry about.”

  He took a step closer to me.

  I took a step back, and he stopped in his steps. “No. Not this time. I cannot continue to live like this. You either decide to be completely honest from this moment forward or our relationship is over!”

  “You have to be fair about this. There are some things I cannot discuss because it could jeopardize our future.”

  “Fair? Nothing about this has been fair. I am very serious Jackson. You tell me everything right now or our relationship is through.”

  “You cannot mean that,” Jackson spoke in a low voice.

  “I most certainly do.”

  “Jocelyn, there are some things you must understand that I cannot tell you because it will affect your life here,” he pleaded.

  Silent tears rolled down my face despite my anger with him. He was ripping my heart right out of my chest. “If that is your decision then I guess we have nothing further to discuss.”

  I stared at him for one last brief moment begging with my eyes for him to say the right words to stop me. He didn’t.

  I burst into tears and fled from the room. Jackson said nothing to bring me back. He remained rooted where he stood while I ran through the rain back towards my own home.

  I slammed our front door, drawing everyone’s attention towards the foyer. William rushed out to investigate the racket as I ran up the stairs.

  “Jocelyn!” he hollered, but I did not respond. He took the steps two at a time and caught me quickly about half way up. “What happened? Why are you crying?”

  I grabbed a hold of my dearest brother and sobbed against his chest. “It’s over. The wedding is off.”

  “What?” he turned towards the door like he was expecting to see Jackson standing there. “What do you mean the wedding is off? What happened?”

  I pulled myself away from him. “I don’t want to talk about it!”

  I lifted up the hem of my gown and fled the rest of the way up the stairs. I didn’t stop until I was safe alone in my room. I closed the door behind me and locked it. I didn’t want to see or talk with anyone. I threw myself across my bed and let the tears flow freely.

  I could hear the muffled sounds of voices in the foyer below. Shortly thereafter, the front door slammed. I climbed over to the bay window and saw William walking quickly towards the Chandler estate. I knew his trip was going to be fruitless. There was nothing that Jackson could tell him about why we separated.

  I peeled the wet garments from my chilled skin and slipped into a warm dry nightgown. I washed my face off once again and held the towel up to dry off. My head was clouded while my body moved about automatically. I slid down into my vanity chair and picked up my brush. I could feel nothing. I watched the reflection staring back at me in the mirror brushing my hair in long strokes. My head jerked towards the door at the sound of someone trying to turn the handle. Realizing it was locked, the person stopped jiggling it. No voice rang out. No one knocked or called my name. Everything was silent.

  The room was dark with only the light from the fire to illuminate the empty space. I watched the shadows from the flames dance along the wall as I sat alone in my window seat curled up in a blanket. No tears fell. No sharp pain was felt in my chest. That was all experienced days earlier. I slid into a place inside myself that was compiled of nothingness, devoid of all feelings and emotions.

  CHAPTER 23

  Friday, Nove
mber 20, 2009

  THE EIGHT OF US TOOK OUR SEATS in the already crowded theater. Jenna sat on one side of me while Jackson, of course, was on the other. I briefly wondered if Ethan had hooked up with some of his friends and was wandering around somewhere.

  The lights dimmed and the previews filled the screen. I leaned back against Jackson and rested my head on his shoulder. Ten minutes later the actual movie started and I was struggling to stay awake. I glanced over at Jenna who was wide-awake and quickly becoming lost in the film.

  Twenty minutes later, I was so engrossed that sleep never invaded my thoughts any further. Jackson put his arm tightly around me and whispered quietly in my ear, “See. We are not the only ones who have challenges in their relationship.”

  I could feel the chuckle struggling to remain silent in his chest and had to fight to stiffen my own.

  “I seriously don’t think it’s quite the same thing,” I whispered back, a nagging feeling in the back of my mind making me pause for a moment before I shook it off.

  “Challenges are challenges regardless of the nature,” he spoke softly in my ear.

  “But you’re not trying to give me immortality,” I giggled back.

  “No, just two lives on parallel planes,” he grinned back. “The best of both existences.”

  I accidently snorted loudly at his response, which immediately caused Jenna to lean over. “If you two don’t knock it off I’m going to smack you both,” she glared.

  Jackson and I grinned trying to contain ourselves, which only made it worse. But Jenna just glared all the harder before turning her attention back to Taylor Lautner’s bare chest.

  As the credits rolled we filed out of the theatre and into the parking lot. It was almost three in the morning and all of us were expected to be in class by seven-thirty. It was certainly going to be a rough day at school today. Jackson opened the passenger door for me, and I slid into the car. The same unsettling feeling I’d felt earlier washed over me, but unable to place its origin, I brushed it off.

  ***

  I almost ripped my alarm clock out of the wall when it started screaming at me. I hit the snooze three times before I finally rolled out of bed and stumbled into the shower. The steam and hot water barely roused me out of my sleep-deprived stupor. My head felt groggy and congested. I knew there was no way I was going to make it through the day.