SUSY Asylum

by Michael Pierce

  “I must’ve read too much into it,” I said, gazing sorrowfully at Desiree. I couldn’t understand why she was avoiding me. We never fought about anything. I thought we had left Provex City on better terms than we had ever been, and we’d always been on good terms.

  “There’s nothing to read into. Obviously, things don’t stay the same forever,” Desiree said. “Change can be a good thing.”

  “Whatever you say. You’re always right.”

  “Naturally,” Krystal said.

  “Why don’t you two lovebirds just kiss and make up? Seriously, this is ridiculous,” Andy said.

  Desiree gave him her Medusa-like stare. “Your face is ridiculous!”

  Desiree’s snide remark brought back some laughter to the table and alleviated the tension for a few minutes, but it slowly crept back over the remaining thirty minutes of class.

  After class, I left the room alone and started heading for the street that would lead me home; but before I could get too far, I was stopped by someone calling for me.

  “Hey, Grain, wait up.” It was Blaine, who had barely said a word all through class, who had rarely spoken to me all year. I didn’t know what could be suddenly so important that he had to chase me down.

  I stopped and waited for him to catch up. Desiree had just emerged from the classroom and headed in another direction.

  “It seemed like you and Desiree had gotten pretty close over the past few months.”

  “Yeah, well—it’s complicated,” I said, not really knowing what to say. I started walking toward the parking lot, Blaine close in tow.

  “Of course. I just wanted to tell you not to take it personally. She’s been through a lot, you know, from before you got here. She kinda goes hot and cold. One minute it seems like everything’s good, and the next it’s like you never really knew her at all.”

  “You were friends with TJ, weren’t you?”

  “He was one of my best friends. I used to hang out with Desiree and Anna and all of them. I never really liked Eli though.”

  “That makes two of us,” I replied. When I said it, my cheek tingled.

  “But after TJ died, we all blamed ourselves. We turned on each other. Things are better now, obviously, but they’ll never be the same.”

  I was tempted to tell him about my experiences with TJ, but I didn’t know how well that would go over. Not everyone was open-minded about ghosts. I wasn’t until I was face-to-face with one.

  “What happened?” I asked, intentionally leaving the question open-ended to see what he’d share.

  “He fell apart,” Blaine said. “Hindsight’s always twenty-twenty. Right?”

  “But—”

  “I’d just wanted to say not to feel too bad when Desiree pulls away like she’s doing now. I’ve seen it before. She’ll come back around.” Blaine slapped me on the shoulder and left for his car before I could probe for more information.

  Watching him walk off, I saw Anna putting something in the back seat of her car. She looked up just as she was about to get in and saw me standing on the curb. She didn’t smile or give me any kind of signal to come over, but I went in spite of all that. Everyone seemed to hate me and I absolutely despised the feeling. I was compelled to see what I could smooth over.

  “What do you want?” she said, already seated, but her car door still ajar.

  I rested my arms atop the door. “I want to talk to you.” Unfortunately, that was the extent of what I’d prepared on the walk over.

  “Go ahead.”

  “Okay. What I wanted to tell you was…I meant it when I told you I loved you.”

  “Did you mean it when you kissed Desiree?”

  “In that moment? Yeah, I guess I did. When we got attacked in the ravine, it was so terrifying. We were both so thankful to be alive. I’ve never had someone point a gun in my face. Either one of us could have died. I was going to tell you—I was—I was trying to when Eli showed up.”

  “Are you in love with her?”

  “No.” I looked up at all the students dispersing for the afternoon. “I don’t know.”

  Anna gripped the steering wheel with both hands, repositioning herself in the seat. “Why does this always happen? I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I try to be a good girlfriend.”

  “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re amazing,” I said.

  “You guys are always going and falling in love with her. Eli. You. It’s like I don’t exist. Even TJ didn’t have eyes for anyone other than Desiree. Do I not deserve to get what I want, to be happy? It’s so…whatever…I don’t know anymore. I must sound totally pathetic.”

  “No. Just like a girl who’s been hurt.”

  She bit her lip as she looked away. “I’m sorry I slapped you.”

  “I’m sorry, too.”

  “It hurts, you know? It’s my biggest fear and I keep reliving it.”

  “I—”

  “It’s not your fault, I know. She’s got like superhuman pheromones or something. You and every other boy in the world are under her spell. I’m just destined to be runner-up.” Anna shrugged, and then clicked her keys into the ignition. “D’you want a ride, since you’re standing here and all?”

  “You don’t have to. I can walk.”

  “I know. It’s just that it’s harder for me to try and run you over if you’re in the car.”

  “I’m getting in,” I said and hopped around to the passenger door.

  

  It’s hard to tell how much time passes when you’re not present. It was hard to concentrate on the life I had when there seemed to be another one out there waiting for me to be ready. I felt ready. I wouldn’t be losing much if I left. I had no one here and no one there. It was an even exchange.

  I spent the remainder of the week in solitude, ghosting from class to class. I carried TJ’s journal in my backpack. It felt like having a friend at my side even though he seemed to be long gone. I found myself talking to him when I sat alone in my room. I read from his journal daily, an entry or two at a time, and asked questions aloud, hoping one of them may one day incite a response. I couldn’t understand why he’d left like the rest of my friends, avoiding me like a leper.

  In the journal, I was following TJ and Desiree’s relationship like I was watching a melodramatic made-for-TV movie. I could relate to him. He had much of the same pressures and insecurities that I had (at least until I found out I was from a whole other universe). He dealt with other kids making fun of him and rejections from girls. For years, he had even been stuck in the dreaded friend zone with his best friend, the girl he had known since first grade: Desiree. I could definitely relate to that. TJ wasn’t a popular boy, but he didn’t seem to be an outcast either. He was one of the many students in the middle who didn’t stand out and who wouldn’t really be remembered. That was the picture I had of him as a student, but I knew how much that would change. Desiree had given me a glimpse into the fall of their relationship, but like everyone else, she didn’t really want to talk about it. What really drove him to put his father’s revolver in his mouth and pull the trigger? There was a part of me that was afraid to find out.

  

  I went back the following weekend. The transition felt so natural now. It had been raining a few days prior and I definitely didn’t want to make that rookie mistake again.

  I walked up to the bank of the river. The water was higher from the recent rain and slithered like a snake on the attack through the grass. I stood relatively too close for comfort, but still at a safe distance to ensure there would be no chance of falling in and being swept away by the current.

  I took a few steps back as my breathing became noticeably heavier. My body reminded me of what it was like to panic in the water, having arms and legs fighting but failing to keep me afloat. I relived the traumatizing experience of when a motorboat left me helpless in its wake when I was a child; I had swum too far out into the boat-infested lake.

  As I backed away from the
river, my breathing slowed and returned to a comfortable cadence. I sat in the grass and watched the cars fly by. Planes and helicopters flew overhead. The helicopters had two sets of rotating blades and no visible landing gear. Maybe Nicholae was in one of them, scouring the land for his long-lost son.

  I’m right here!

  “You came back.”

  I spun around and saw no one even remotely close to me. The voice sounded like it was just beyond my ears, speaking softly. It was like I was speaking to myself. The voice was mine, talking back to me like my personality had split—the voice of my mirror.

  “Are you done prancing around with your friends and ready to find your father?”

  “I’ve been ready,” I said. “But I’m not going with you. You have to understand that by now.”

  The voice laughed eerily. “I know. I know you think you know all that’s going on now. Yet here you are sitting and waiting for something to happen instead of making it happen for yourself. I am that chance to make something happen. I am the answer you’re looking for. We can help each other, you and I.”

  “Why do I doubt that?”

  “I haven’t lied to you. I will always tell you the truth. Not like Jeremy. Not like Daniel. We are akin to each other.”

  “Leave me alone,” I said apathetically, growing tired of the voice already.

  “I can’t do that.” The voice of my mirror shifted from one ear to the other.

  I left the ghost-like voice in Provex City and returned home. The voice reminded me of TJ and made me miss him more.

  

  I wasn’t looking forward to another week of school. The weekend was moving too fast. Sunday was clear and cold, and I needed to get some fresh air. I made it a point to let Mom and Richard see me use the front door when I left. It seemed to give them some relief and they didn’t ask any questions.

  I walked to the cemetery and even climbed through the ravine again, which was much easier in the daylight. The story Desiree had concocted about us having been attacked by two guys at the bottom of the ravine lingered in the back of my mind. I watched each step and looked over my shoulder just to be safe, maybe a little paranoid because I was very much alone.

  Upon reaching the far summit, I spotted Desiree beyond the rickety fence. She was seated next to TJ’s tombstone with the hood up on her furry winter coat. Angled slightly away, she wasn’t going to see me approach. Though, with Mr. Gordon’s training, she’d be able to sense me if she was concentrating hard enough. I waited for her to turn around as I stepped over the fence and walked toward her, but she didn’t. She sat cross legged with one hand holding a torn sheet of paper and the other up against her temple. Her elbow was perched against her knee, keeping her upright.

  When I sat down across from her, she didn’t even bother looking up.

  “Are we even friends anymore?” I asked.

  “Of course we’re still friends,” Desiree said in a soft, somber voice.

  “Did you hear what Eli did to me?”

  “Yeah, I heard from Anna. Sorry about that. You really can’t seem to keep yourself out of a fight.”

  “Yeah, I seem to be a magnet for being punched, stabbed, and strangled. It’s quite a thrill to be me. But this time wasn’t my fault. It was yours,” I said.

  “Mine? How was it mine? For telling the truth?”

  “Forget it. What’re you reading?”

  “The last thing TJ ever wrote. The day he committed suicide. He gave it to me, but he’s mostly talking to himself, like it came from a diary or something. And as far as I know he didn’t have one. But what do I know? There was obviously a lot about himself he kept hidden.”

  “He did have a diary,” I said.

  “Did he tell you in one of your many private conversations?” Desiree seemed jealous of my relationship with him.

  “No, he never mentioned it, but I found it. Under the carpet in my room, he hid a beat-up green notebook. It’s only about a year or so of entries, you know, before he died.”

  “So this must’ve been the last page.” She picked at the perforated edges of the page. The makeshift confetti she made blew from her hand, fluttered in the breeze, and pollinated the yellowing grass around us.

  “He was obviously thinking about you to the end,” I said.

  “That makes me feel a whole lot better.”

  “Okay, that sounded better in my head. It was meant to be flattering in some way.”

  “I didn’t even get to hear the announcement with everyone at Eastman that Friday morning. I wasn’t there yet. Instead, I got a call from my old friend, Jillian, who told me what’d happened. The worst thing was that I hadn’t read this yet.” She held up the crumpled sheet of paper and waved it in front of me. “I had the chance to do something and I missed it. He had been trying to get me to talk to him for a few weeks after we broke up. I needed space. It wasn’t like I was never going to talk to him again. I just needed some time to myself to get over our breakup. So when I got the letter Thursday afternoon, I set the envelope aside, upset at the time because I felt like he was smothering me as a way to win me back. I almost tore it up and threw it away—but something kept me from doing it. I didn’t read it until I got home from school on Friday and I cried for hours. For all those times he reached out to me, if I had been receptive just one time—just once—he might still be here today.”

  “Maybe, but then again maybe not. I mean, you told me a little about after prom, but it was a breakup—they happen every day. I haven’t gotten to that part of the story yet.”

  “Oh God, please don’t read it!” Desiree begged. “Can I have it? I don’t want what’s written about me getting out.”

  “Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell anyone.”

  “But I don’t want you reading it, either.”

  “Then tell me what it says. You drank a little too much. He kept you out past curfew. You fought. So what? That doesn’t end in suicide. What happened afterward?”

  “I can’t. It’s so personal. Please, just don’t read it. Give it to me. Throw it away. I don’t care which. I just can’t stand the thought that the most personal moments of our relationship are written down for others to read.”

  “All right, I won’t read it. I’ll just keep it safe.” I hugged my knees, tapping my feet to rhythms that randomly popped into my head.

  “Promise?” Her eyes pleaded with me as much as her voice did.

  I crossed my heart with my index finger.

  “I’d feel better if you let me have it.” Desiree pulled off her hood and tied her hair into a loose ponytail. Her eyes were moist and she rubbed them with her fingers and blinked hard. A few deep breaths seemed to help her remain relatively composed.

  “Well I’d feel better if you’d stop shutting me out. I guess we can’t always get what we want,” I said.

  “I’m not shutting you out. I’m just trying to process what’s happened to all the relationships in my life recently. My whole world has been turned upside down. I don’t know what to do. TJ’s gone again. The first time was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. I never in a million years thought I’d have to go through it again. And now I’ve lost Eli. I got you punched in the face.”

  She admitted it.

  Desiree continued. “Anna doesn’t want to talk to me. I don’t know what to think about us. It’s all so overwhelming.” She was now looking past me. “Has TJ come back to you?”

  “No. He’s still gone.”

  “So he’s not avoiding me again. That makes me feel slightly better.”

  “What is happening between us?” I asked.

  “Please don’t ask me that now. I’m overwhelmed enough as it is. Aren’t you broken up at all about Anna?”

  “Yeah, but I’m more afraid of losing you.”

  “You’re not losing me. I’m right here.” Desiree looked out past the cemetery, beyond the fence where the ground disappeared into the ravine. “Can you see the river? The city in the distance? It’s bright e
ven in the daylight.”

  I should have known Desiree was barely here. She had a foot in each plane. We both seemed to be desperately looking for something, or better yet, someone. Both of us seemed to be making little progress, and neither of us was faring well with the failure.

  I joined her into the fade, venturing in just far enough to see: The ravine became filled to the brim with flowing water—the river I’d seen from the other side; lush green grass stretched from the far bank; then the highway I had sat beside in the rain. The edge of the horizon held those blue- and red-glowing buildings jetting into the sky. This time there was no cloud cover to hide their majestic zeniths.

  “I come here once in a while, hoping one of these times my father will be waiting for me. I know that’s probably stupid,” I said, trying to hold my focus. It was hard trying to stay in-between. Any moment I would run out of energy and Provex City would be gone.

  “Do you ever feel like starting over? I could use a do-over right now. Maybe I could do a better job the next time around.”

  “What are you saying?” I asked.

  “I dunno,” Desiree said. “I’m just sad right now. And tired. I feel like I’m messing everything up and tired of feeling this way.”

  “You’re not messing everything up,” I said, but she wasn’t listening to me.

  I looked around in the other directions while I could still faintly see into the higher plane. The headstones behind us faded into the large cluster of buildings I saw from far off last time, heavy with foot traffic, joined by converging sidewalks. The building closest to us had a copper plaque by the tinted doorway that read: Building 4C—O.P.C. Medical Facility. I franticly looked for more information before it disappeared completely and we were back to sitting alone in the cemetery.

  “Are you back?” I asked.

  Desiree turned her eyes to me. “Yeah, it’s gone.” She stuffed her last gift from TJ into her coat pocket and stood up. “Would you like to walk me home?”

  We climbed through the ravine and walked mindlessly home with minimal interaction. She was so somber and I had no idea how to make her feel better. It just seemed like something she needed to work through herself. All I could do was be there for her when she needed someone to lean on.