A Taste of Reality

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  I turned and walked out without looking back, and at that moment I knew I might as well start searching for a Chicago attorney. I’d have to go to Chicago because too many CEOs, attorneys and physicians in Mitchell golfed and ate dinner together. There was a risk that someone would be paid off, and I couldn’t chance that.

  I arrived back in my office and, once again, hadn’t noticed anyone or anything. I was shutting my door but Lorna stopped me. So I let her in and then closed it.

  “So how did it go?”

  “Not too well. Not well at all,” I said sadly.

  “Dirty bastard. I knew he was going to do this to you.”

  “He hasn’t done anything yet, but I do think you were right when you said they would never give me the job.”

  “Did he try to intimidate you?”

  “He tried to, but it didn’t stop me from asking him every question I wanted an answer to. He was very rude the entire time, though, and you know, Lorna, it really hurts to know that he’s treating me this way because the color of my skin is not acceptable to him.”

  I felt my eyes filling up. I’d felt humiliated and unappreciated a number of times while working at Reed Meyers, but today was worse than any time I could remember. Jim had basically looked me in the eye and silently told me that my qualifications didn’t matter, that he was going to choose who he wanted to, and that there wasn’t a thing I could do about it.

  Lorna pulled a couple of tissues from the box on my desk and passed them to me. Then she reached out her hand. “Honey, you’ve got to do what I told you. You’ve got to fight for what they’re trying to take from you.”

  I sniffled and wiped my face, but I was too shaken to talk.

  “Do you hear what I’m saying to you, Anise?” she asked softly.

  I nodded in agreement.

  “Good. This is not going to be easy, but I promise you, it’ll be worth it in the end. It will stop them from getting away with all this bias.”

  I listened but didn’t speak.

  So Lorna said, “I have an afternoon class that I have to get ready for, but are you going to be okay?”

  “I’ll be fine,” I told her, but I knew I wasn’t telling the truth.

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’m sure. Go do what you have to do.”

  “Honey, call me if you need me, and even if you have to get me out of my class, that will be fine too.”

  “Thanks, Lorna,” I said, and forced a smile on my face.

  She closed my door behind her.

  As soon as she did, I bawled like a teething baby.

  * * *

  Monica had left me a message, wanting to make sure that I was still meeting her at the gym. But after my session with Jim, I was no longer in the mood for working out, so I told her that maybe we could go tomorrow. She asked me about what was going on the same as she always did, and when I told her about my interview, she said she’d be at my house as soon I arrived home from work. I was glad because I didn’t feel like being alone. She’d even called Mom and asked her to drive over as well. The three of us sat downstairs in the family room.

  “I know I always say this, but things really will get better with time,” Mom tried to convince me.

  “I agree with you, Emma,” Monica added. “Things always feel much worse than they actually are.”

  I listened to both of them and wished I could believe what they were saying. I wanted to so desperately, but hearing that everything was going to be okay, that God would eventually work things out, and that time could heal all wounds wasn’t exactly brightening my spirits. However, I knew they meant well.

  “I hear what both of you are saying, but the fact is, David has left me for another woman, and Reed Meyers is going to deny giving me a promotion for the second time in six months. My marriage and my career are my life, so what am I supposed to do now that both of them are ruined?”

  “Honey, even though David is gone now, it doesn’t mean he’s gone for good,” Mom said.

  “But, Mom, even if he did want to come back, I don’t even know if I could forgive him. And I can tell you right now, I will never be able to forget it.”

  “Never say never,” Monica chimed in. “Although I do understand why it will be hard to forgive him. Especially since he left you for a white girl.”

  Monica had lost her first love to a white girl when we were in college, and had despised interracial dating ever since.

  “What the two of you keep forgetting is that, yes, I’m hurt, but it’s not because I’m desperately in love with David or that I can’t live without him. It’s more because he fell in love with someone else, and I didn’t have an alternate plan like he did.”

  “I hate seeing you go through this,” Monica said.

  “I hate it too,” I said. “But this is the reality.”

  “Why is it that men can’t be satisfied with one woman for longer than a few years?” Mom asked. “Some can’t even be faithful from the start of a relationship let alone anything else.”

  “Not every man is like that,” I said, because I was still convinced that it truly was possible to be happily married until death.

  “No,” Mom responded. “You’re right. Not every man is like that, but every decent black man I know is either married or in a long-standing relationship. Which is also why I would have no problem crossing over if the right white man came along.”

  “What?” I said.

  “What nothing,” she said as serious as could be. “You know I’ve never had a problem with interracial dating anyway.”

  “I know, but you’ve never said you were interested in doing it yourself.”

  “Well, when you get to be fifty-eight like me, all you want is to be happy. And if being happy means I have to date a little differently than I have in the past, then so be it.”

  Monica frowned. “Emma, I just don’t see how you could do that. I mean, isn’t it enough just knowing that white men forced themselves on slave women, and that white women secretly had sex with our men, who sometimes lost their lives for it? Because I know you saw Mandingo.”

  “Girl, nobody’s thinking about that. This is the twenty-first century. I’m not saying I agree with what went on in the past, because I don’t. But I’m not going to spend the rest of my life dwelling on it either, because I haven’t had a decent man in my life since I divorced Anise’s father. And that was fifteen years ago.”

  “I guess, but I could never date anyone other than a black man. Even if it meant spending the rest of my life alone.”

  “It’s easy to preach that when you have a good black man like you do,” Emma continued.

  “But even if I didn’t, I wouldn’t go that route,” Monica said, trying to convince her.

  “Uh-huh,” Mom teased. “I bet.”

  I laughed as they seesawed back and forth like mother and daughter, but I wasn’t about to side with either one of them. Two weeks ago, I would have agreed with Monica in a heartbeat, but my new feelings for Frank had changed my way of thinking.

  They kept debating, but we never discussed the interview I was so upset over this afternoon. Which, as I recall, was the main reason the two of them rushed right over here. They’d come to console me, but now they were making me laugh, and for the time being, I felt a lot better. My problems were still unresolved, but I knew Mom was right about what she’d said earlier.

  Things would get better with time.

  They had to.

  CHAPTER 10

  SO HOW MUCH MORE are they going to take out of our weekly paychecks?” Tony, one of the drill operators, asked me regarding the additional life insurance plan we were now going to offer through a new company.

  I was conducting a benefits Q&A session for the hourly employees in the manufacturing break room. Elizabeth and I had decided last year that it was a good idea to schedule something each quarter so employees could express their concerns.

  “It will depend on your age, sex, health and how much additional coverage you choo
se. Every person’s situation will be different, but the schedule of premiums for individuals and families is listed on the sheet I’m passing around right now.”

  “What if I mark down that I’m twenty-five even though I’m fifty, do you think I could get away with that?” Tony asked, and the entire first shift roared.

  I laughed right along with them, because the shop employees always knew how to have a good time. They didn’t take things as seriously as we did in the office. They were laid back and totally down to earth. Most of us were stuffy and spent far too much time trying to compete with each other. I loved working with them, and Jim was right when he said “those people” loved me. They loved me because I had worked hard to make their lives at Reed Meyers as comfortable as possible. Maybe Jim was right about something else, too. Maybe I actually did connect with them because my parents worked in factories. But that still didn’t give him the right to keep me in a particular position.

  “No, Tony, I don’t think you’d be able to get away with that, so I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Just checkin’, ma’am,” he said, still enjoying himself. “Because I’ll bet the premium on a twenty-five-year-old is much cheaper than what it’ll be for an old buck like me.”

  We all chuckled again, but I thought I’d better start winding down the meeting. We’d been in here for forty-five minutes, and I’d already gone over everything I needed to.

  “Well, if that’s it, then I just want to remind all of you again that open enrollment begins in less than two weeks. If you choose the same health carriers, then your enrollment will automatically renew and you won’t have to do anything. But if you decide to go with another plan, then you’ll have to complete the appropriate forms to do so. Representatives from each insurance company will be here during the first week, so if you have additional questions, you can ask them at that time. Also, there will be a Merrill Lynch rep on hand for those of you who are interested in starting a 401(k) plan, and if you already have an account, you can increase your percentage at that time as well. Actually, you can make an increase on an existing account anytime throughout the year, but a lot of people like to do it during open enrollment, because the reps are here to answer questions.”

  Everyone sat at attention and a few employees spoke among themselves. I’d scheduled this meeting at the end of their shift, and they were obviously ready to punch out.

  “Well, if there aren’t any other questions, then I guess that’s it.”

  “Thanks, Anise,” Billy said with a southern Kentucky drawl.

  “Yeah, thanks, Anise,” Willy spoke loudly with the same tone of humor.

  Billy and Willy were two of my favorite people because they joked around all the time. There was never a dull moment, and even though Billy had told me how his parents “hated Jews and coloreds,” he always assured me that he and his twin brother Willy didn’t feel that way. They’d grown up in a small Kentucky town but had decided as teenagers that they didn’t care what color a person was so long as that person treated them decent. I so appreciated hearing him say that, and it was a good feeling to know that they’d been brave enough to break that continuous cycle my mother always spoke about.

  The meeting adjourned, I gathered my material together, chatted with a couple of employees and headed back through the plant. When I arrived at the door leading into the HR department, Elizabeth opened it and then allowed it to close. I was sure she could tell that I was headed inside, so it surprised me when she didn’t hold the door open.

  I was about to find out why.

  “Jim wants to see you in his office,” she said.

  I stared at her because I didn’t like the expression I saw on her face.

  “Did he say why?” was all I could muster.

  “He asked me to let him tell you what’s going on, but I’ll at least tell you that it’s about the job you applied for.”

  My stomach turned flips. I knew immediately that it wasn’t good news, because Elizabeth was still standing here with no smile and no indication that I was going to be promoted.

  “They gave it to someone else, didn’t they?”

  “I’m sorry, Anise, but I really do think it would be best if you spoke with Jim first, and if you want to talk afterward, I’ll be in my office.”

  I didn’t even respond. Not because I was angry with Elizabeth, because I knew she meant well. The truth was, I was speechless.

  It didn’t take me five minutes to drop off the meeting material in my office and walk down to Jim’s for what seemed like the hundredth impromptu subpoena in the last month. I knew there was a reason why eleven days had passed since he’d interviewed me, but I’d still stayed hopeful. I’d even decided that I wasn’t going to let it consume me day in and day out. At least not until I heard from him one way or another.

  But now the time had come, and I didn’t want to hear the decision I knew he couldn’t wait to tell me.

  “Hi, Anise. You can go right in,” his secretary said. But this time she didn’t smile so readily. I could tell she wasn’t being rude, but her inability to look me straight in my eyes told me that she already knew what I was about to discover.

  I went in and took a seat without being instructed to.

  “I’ll get straight to the point,” he said.

  He was so arrogant that it made me ill.

  “Elizabeth has been offered a position with another company and has decided to leave Reed Meyers. So now that I have two managerial positions open, I’m going to have to do some major restructuring of the entire department and reevaluate everyone’s responsibilities. Which means I’m going to have to place the position you applied for on hold.”

  For the first time in my life, I knew why disgruntled employees woke up on any given day, drove to the parking lot of their previous employer and shot everyone in sight. I was feeling temporarily insane again, and I thanked God I didn’t own a gun.

  “Lyle and I feel real bad about having you wait all this time for an answer, and then now having to tell you this. So we agreed that since you are obviously the most qualified candidate for Elizabeth’s job, we would have no problem offering it to you.”

  “Why would you think I’m qualified for Elizabeth’s job, but you’ve never thought I was for the HR recruiting one?” I asked.

  “Because you’ve worked in benefits for two years, you’ve reported to Elizabeth the entire time and you’ve even carried out some of her responsibilities when she couldn’t be here.”

  “Yeah, but so has Kelli.”

  I could tell he didn’t have a rebuttal, and I wondered what he was going to conjure up as a scapegoat.

  “You’re good with benefits. You’re good with handling all the questions and concerns that people have. Kelli is a people person too, but I think you’re a better fit for the job.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, and since I don’t know when we’ll be filling the other position, this would give you a chance to be promoted to management in the next couple of weeks or so.”

  “Well, I’m still not interested.”

  “How could you not be?”

  He looked shocked, and I wondered, did he actually believe he could dangle a ten-cent lollipop in front of me when I craved Godiva chocolate?

  “I’ve told you more than once that I’m not interested in continuing a career in benefits, I’m not interested in being a training manager and I’m not interested in any other area besides HR. So I guess I don’t have a choice except to wait for you to release the recruiting position from hold. Which isn’t a problem for me because I have all the time in the world.”

  In reality, it was a problem. It was a major problem, because I suspected this job was only being placed on hold to frustrate me. What they wanted was for me to lose patience and either take Elizabeth’s job or leave the company. They’d succeeded in frustrating me, but I wasn’t about to resign. I was in this for the entire ride whether they realized it or not.

  “I understand your p
osition, but if I were you, I would rethink all of this very carefully. I know you want the recruiting manager’s position, but I have to remind you that we’ll still be selecting the most qualified candidate when the time comes. And I’d hate to see you miss out on that position as well as Elizabeth’s.”

  “I appreciate your concern,” I said, standing up, “but I’ll take my chances.”

  “Your choice,” he responded.

  I left his office fuming.

  They’d made it clear that they didn’t want me in recruiting, and for a while I’d thought part of the reason was that they didn’t want me knowing the salaries of corporate employees. But if he was practically shoving Elizabeth’s job down my throat, then that wasn’t the case, because as benefits manager, I would have access to information on everyone who worked for the company. So now I knew that Jim and Lyle’s mission was primarily to keep me out of a job that would give me the authority to recruit qualified women and minorities into corporate positions that were vacant.

  The roadblocks were being stacked against me at an alarming rate, but I fought hard, trying to stay strong. I wasn’t sure what depression felt like, but I had a feeling that this stirring in the pit of my stomach and my sudden desire to crawl into a hole were likely qualifiers.

  It was almost four-thirty, and although I usually kept working until five or six, I grabbed my things and walked out.

  I told Elizabeth I was leaving for the day. When she asked if I still wanted to talk, I told her maybe tomorrow. I didn’t even bother saying good-bye to Lorna or anyone else.

  All I wanted was to escape. I drove to the one place where I wouldn’t have to speak to anyone. I drove home, where I would be safe.

  I’d been lying in bed for two full hours, trying to deal with my disappointment. Which was fine, because in the midst of it, I was minding my own business. I wasn’t bothering a soul, but now here David was standing inside the doorway, staring at me in silence. I had no idea what he was doing here. I hadn’t seen him in weeks, and I wondered what was so special about tonight.