A Taste of Reality

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  He continued standing, I’m sure in hopes that I would say something—anything. But I didn’t.

  “What’s wrong with you?” he asked.

  I glared at him.

  “Oh, so you can’t even talk to me, I guess?”

  I turned my head away from him and nestled into my pillow. I didn’t want to hear any new explanations he might have for cheating on me, and I didn’t feel like arguing with him. What I wanted was for him to leave me alone, or even better, go back to the woman I was sure he was shacking up with.

  “At some point, Anise, you really are going to have to grow up,” he said, and strutted into what used to be his walk-in closet. He’d cleaned out just about everything he had the day Mom and I had gone shopping, but there were still a few of his items on some of the shelves.

  I knew it was killing him that I was ignoring him, but it served him right. He didn’t deserve any conversation from me, and if he wanted someone to talk to, I couldn’t help him.

  “You know, we really did have everything, and every bit of this separation is all your fault,” he said. “You and that damn career ruined us, and the sad part is, you’re probably still obsessed with it.”

  He was badgering me for no reason, and I was quickly becoming tired of it.

  I heard him walk out of the closet, but I didn’t raise my head to look at him.

  “Anise, why are you doing this?”

  I sat up, faced this man I no longer had one ounce of respect for and said, “Why are you bothering me?”

  “I’m trying to keep things pleasant between us, so I’m sorry if you feel like I’m bothering you.”

  “David, I’ve had a very bad day. I’m trying to deal with some things that happened earlier, and I refuse to participate in another screaming match with you. You haven’t been here, and you haven’t called, so why are you here harassing me now?”

  “I tried to call you a week or so ago, but you blew everything out of proportion. All I wanted to do was apologize, but you wouldn’t even give me a chance.”

  “But I don’t need you to apologize. You made your decision to be with someone else, and I’m dealing with it.”

  “You don’t even care about any of this, do you?” he asked, folding his arms.

  “Why should I spend all my time thinking about the fact that you’re sleeping with another woman? Our relationship was basically over anyway, so if you’re expecting me to roll on the floor in tears, it’s not going to happen.”

  “You know? That really sickens me. I’ve seen you shed tears over other shit, but now you’re sitting here telling me that I’m not worth it.”

  “What are you talking about? Are you saying that you want to see me torn up emotionally?”

  “At least then I would know that our marriage meant something to you.”

  I laughed, but didn’t find any of this amusing. I’d done that a lot with him lately.

  “David, you had the affair and then decided you weren’t going to stop. So I’ll ask you again: Why are you bothering me?”

  “I’m asking because you haven’t tried to contact me once since the day I moved out.”

  “Why should I try to contact you? You’re the one who messed around and got caught. Not to mention the fact that I have more important things to worry about than you and your mistress.”

  “Don’t pretend like my moving out isn’t bothering you, Anise, because if it wasn’t, you wouldn’t be lying in bed on a hot summer day while the sun is still shining.”

  I hated to drop his ego down a notch, but he left me no choice.

  “Yes, I’m upset, but it doesn’t have anything to do with you. I’ve already gone through my sad and angry moments regarding our marriage, but today I’m dealing with something different. Something you couldn’t care less about, and something I don’t care to discuss.”

  “I hope it’s not that same old Reed Meyers saga again?”

  “Whatever, David,” I said, and went over to the extra tall armoire, opened the doors, pulled out the TV selector and powered it on. Then I sat down on the bed and flipped through the channels. There wasn’t anything on I wanted to see, but this was the only thing I could think to do to avoid him.

  “What is it now? They’ve given that job to someone else?”

  “Why in the hell won’t you just leave me alone?”

  “Because you’re my wife, and I’ll be damned if you’re going to make it seem like I’m no big deal and that our marriage never even existed.”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked. “I mean, exactly what is it that you expect me to do?”

  “First I started taking on more overnight projects, then I started attending more five-day training conferences, but I still didn’t get your attention. Now you’ve found out that I’m seeing someone else, and that hasn’t made any difference either.”

  He was becoming more and more unbelievable with every breath.

  “No, the reason you did all those things was because you couldn’t control me. You wanted me to do everything except the things I wanted to. I am who I am. My mother raised me to be strong, and she made sure I knew how to take care of myself in case some man left me the way you have. So if you’re waiting for me to apologize for that, you’ll be waiting for the rest of your lifetime.”

  “You being so strong and independent is what caused all of these problems.”

  “No, you trying to control me like some child and not being able to is what happened.”

  “You just don’t get it, do you?” he said.

  “Oh, I get it, but I’m not sweating it,” I told him.

  “You may be riding on your little high horse now, but you’ll come down off of it when you realize what you’ve lost.”

  “Honey, don’t flatter yourself,” I said.

  He turned sharply and stormed out of the bedroom mumbling. I thought I heard the word bitch, but I knew I must have been mistaken. For his sake, I had better be.

  “David, what did you just say?”

  “I wouldn’t worry about it.”

  “No. Repeat what you said.”

  “I don’t want to hurt your little feelings, so let’s just forget it.”

  “You are so freakin’ spineless.”

  “Okay. I’ll tell you exactly what I said. I called you a crazy bitch. Happy?” He was now standing inside the bedroom again with a self-satisfied look on his face. He was proud of what he’d just called me.

  “That’s real good, David. And I hope you’re happy about the way you just disrespected me, because there are a lot of things I could say to hurt you, too, but I won’t.”

  “Yeah, right. Like what? Because I know for a fact that I’m the type of man every woman in America dreams about.”

  “Hmmph. If you only knew.”

  “If I only knew what?”

  “That those same women you’re talking about would rather die than have a jerk like you.”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “That most women wouldn’t dare have a man who can’t fuck.”

  “I knew I shouldn’t have married your little nappy-headed, double-chocolate-looking ass in the first place.”

  “My hair isn’t nappy” was all I could say.

  “Only because you spend sixty dollars every few weeks drenching chemicals through it. But if it weren’t for that, your shit would look ridiculous.”

  I was wordless. It was bad enough that I was being humiliated by a white man at work because of the color of my skin, but now my own husband was making me feel the same way in my own home. He obviously thought being high yellow gave him the right to do that.

  “I bet you’ll think before you speak next time, won’t you?” he said, pretending to look through one of our dresser drawers for nothing.

  I wanted to shoot something back at him, but I couldn’t. I was too stunned.

  But he continued delivering his speech.

  “And you keep wondering why you can’t get ahead at any company you w
ork for. My guess is that they probably feel the same way I do. Certain jobs at certain levels have to be filled with people who portray the right image. It’s not about your ethnic background, it’s about your physical characteristics. Because no matter how many expensive suits or hairdos you wear, your skin is never going to be light enough. You may be attractive for a dark-skinned sister, but, sweetheart, that’s not going to help you.”

  “David, just get out,” I screamed, stepping onto the carpet and moving toward him. “Get out before I do something crazy.”

  He moved away from me as quickly as I approached him.

  “Don’t worry, I was leaving anyway.” He reached for the doorknob when we arrived in the kitchen.

  I grabbed the glass sitting on the island and slung it against the door.

  He jerked his head away from it and stepped back.

  “You are so stupid,” he yelled.

  “No, you’re the stupid one. Especially if you stay here.”

  “You’re just mad because you know I’m right about your dark skin and the way you look.”

  I pulled a huge butcher knife from the wooden block on the granite counter.

  “I’m giving you one more chance to get the hell out,” I said, and moved closer to him.

  This time he left without comment.

  I was so furious I felt as if my head was going to crack wide open. But my feelings were hurt as well because of the way he’d spoken to me, and what bothered me the most was that David, for the first time, had shaken my confidence. He’d made me feel self-conscious about my looks and like I was a disgrace to all women. He’d made me think long and hard about my career expectations, and I was terrified that he might be telling the truth. What if he was right? What if my skin really was too dark? What if my hair really was too coarse? What if being black meant I could forget about all my hopes and dreams?

  What if Reed Meyers pushed me to my absolute limit?

  It was certainly possible.

  It would be better for everyone involved if they didn’t.

  CHAPTER 11

  I’D JUST STEPPED OFF the elevator on the second floor and was on my way down to Connie’s office in public relations. She was the third candidate who had applied for the HR manager’s position that Jim had mysteriously placed on hold last Friday, and now that we’d entered a new week, I’d decided to go ask her a few questions. I’d phoned her a half hour ago, and she’d told me to come right up whenever I was ready.

  Connie’s door was open, so I walked right in.

  “Hey, Anise,” she said, smiling.

  “How are you, Connie?” I was just as cordial.

  “So we’re going for the same position I heard.”

  “Yeah, I guess so, except now that it’s on hold, neither one of us may have a chance of getting it.”

  She frowned. “What do you mean, ‘on hold’?”

  “I mean ‘on hold.’ Didn’t Jim tell you that last week?”

  “No. He didn’t. As a matter of fact, I was planning to call him if I didn’t hear something by tomorrow, because I was just starting to wonder why it’s taking them so long to make a decision.”

  “I don’t believe this,” I said, shaking my head in disgust. “He just told me on Friday that since he now has two managerial positions vacant, he was going to place the recruiting one on hold until he did some restructuring of the department.”

  “What other position is open?” Connie asked.

  “Benefits manager. Elizabeth is leaving to go work for a company in Wisconsin.” I’d finally had a conversation with Elizabeth this morning. She’d seemed happy about leaving, but I think it was mostly because her parents lived there, and now that they were dealing with some illnesses, she wanted to move closer to them.

  “Really? When is she leaving?”

  “Next Friday.”

  “Well, I didn’t know anything about that or the recruiting manager’s position being on hold.”

  “Actually, Connie, I’m not surprised, because this company doesn’t do anything consistently. They handle every situation differently and that’s what burns me about them.”

  “I agree, but I don’t see how he could place a job on hold and not tell each person who applied for it. Although, maybe he didn’t tell me because I’m not one of the people he’s considering,” she said.

  As much as I hated to admit it, she was probably right. Not because she wasn’t intelligent or couldn’t perform the job duties, but it was highly unlikely that Jim would promote her into an HR managerial position with her background being in public relations. It was my understanding from Lorna that Connie had never worked in an HR department before, so even I could understand why he wasn’t considering her. Although when they’d given the position to Jason six months ago, he hadn’t worked in HR either. But since he was a man, his work history probably wasn’t a factor.

  I didn’t stress my take on it, though.

  “Who knows” was all I said.

  “Are you thinking about applying for Elizabeth’s job?” she asked. “Especially since you already work in the department.”

  “No,” I answered, but didn’t discuss the fact that Jim had already suggested the same thing. I liked Connie a lot, but I’d learned the day I was hired that you had to be careful about who you confided in here at the company. There were so many cliques and gossip columnists, and the last thing I needed was to have someone twisting something I said into a lie.

  “Well, if you’re not, then maybe I’ll think about applying for it myself,” she said and I could tell that she didn’t care what job she was given so long as she could leave public relations. I’d heard a few rumors here and there about her and her supervisor not getting along.

  “Yeah, you should if it’s something you’re really interested in doing.”

  “As long as it’s a promotion and it gets me out of this department, I’ll be happy regardless.”

  I knew I had been right about her.

  “Well, I won’t keep you any longer, but thanks for chatting with me about this,” I said.

  “No problem, and if you don’t mind, can you put in a good word for me with Elizabeth? Because maybe she’ll recommend me to Jim before she leaves.”

  “I’ll see what I can do” was all I could think to say, because I knew Elizabeth didn’t know Connie all that well. They might have seen each other in passing or at company events, but that was probably it.

  I stopped by our department’s interoffice mail area and pulled a stack from my open slot. I glanced through the pile, but most of it was information on HR seminars, a few gold interoffice envelopes and a couple of announcements.

  I walked in my office and did what had become routine for me as of late. I closed the door. Then I sat down and read the first memo, which was informing all employees that flex hours would be in effect until the Tuesday after Labor Day. We’d already discussed it at a staff meeting last month, but as usual, memos didn’t always go out in a timely fashion.

  The next one described the latest job vacancy, manufacturing HR manager, and I wondered why Bob was leaving that one. People were dropping out of here like an epidemic had struck, and having so many key supervisory positions open wasn’t a good thing. Those were the people who kept the departments running smoothly, so I didn’t know how Jim was planning to handle losing three managers all at once. Even more interesting was how he thought he could keep that recruiting position on hold when they needed to recruit managers and fill other vacancies that had been posted for quite some time.

  I picked up the phone and called Lorna.

  “Hey, are you busy?” I asked.

  “No. Why, what’s up?”

  “Did you see this latest job vacancy?”

  “No, but Bob just told me himself over at the coffee machine that he’s going to be taking Elizabeth’s job.”

  “How? I mean, I’m not saying he’s not qualified, because I know he is, but how can he already know he’s getting the job if it was never even post
ed?”

  Lorna laughed. “Anise, you and I both know that Jim and Lyle do whatever they want.”

  “What a joke. If you remember, I was just telling you over the weekend how Jim tried to convince me to take it.”

  “I know, but I guess Bob went and spoke with him as soon as he got wind that Elizabeth was leaving.”

  “Unbelievable. Everything is so freakin’ unbelievable around here. Some jobs get posted, some don’t. Some people need to have a certain number of years of experience or a certain degree and others are exceptions to the rule.”

  “This is the same old crap we’ve been talking about all along, and if you don’t do what I keep telling you, they’re going to continue getting away with it.”

  “I know, but I have to admit I’m wondering if maybe I should bite the bullet and go for this manufacturing position. Because at least I’d still be able to recruit people into the company, and I’d be promoted to management,” I said, and realized I was sounding somewhat like Connie. Although, it wasn’t as if I was applying for just anything so I could leave my current responsibilities, because I still felt passionate about recruiting employees. I’d hoped I would have a chance to recruit for corporate positions, but maybe this would be a stepping-stone the next time the corporate position was open. At least I tried to convince myself that it was.

  “I don’t think your chances are going to be any better than they were for the corporate position.”

  “I think they would be, because unfortunately, I don’t think Jim would have a problem with me recruiting factory employees. He doesn’t see that as a problem, because he’s reiterated a thousand times that I work so well with the shop people.”

  “And that’s pathetic, too,” Lorna said. “Who is he to decide what people you work better with? You work well with everyone I’ve seen you come in contact with, so piss on him.”

  “I hear what you’re saying, and I agree, but I’d hate to miss out on this position and the one on hold,” I said, weighing everything back and forth as I spoke.

  “I don’t know, Anise. I don’t know if you should just give up like this and do what they want. Hell, I wouldn’t doubt if they’d purposely offered Elizabeth’s job to Bob so you would be tempted to apply for his. They’ve done underhanded shit like that before, so it’s not beneath them.”