Aint too proud to beg sfdg-1

by Susan Donovan

  The photos were in color and black-and-white, and they showed old couples with canes, college students, middle-aged people with kids. The people were black, white, Chinese, Latino, and everything in between.

  The dress code was white satin, jeans and boots, or hippie chic. The photos were dated from the 1960s through the first decade of the twenty-first century.

  Josies mouth fell open.

  Yes, I am a certified marriage officiate in the state of California, said a warbly voice at Josies side.

  She jumped. /God, this lady has a habit of sneaking up on me!/ But Josie stared down at the wrinkly face with the fierce eyes. I dont get it. Youre a preacher or rabbi or something?

  Gloria laughed heartily. Why, I do happen to be ordained in a nondenominational faith. Im also a notary public. But the point is Ive been given a gift, and its my duty to use it.

  Your duty is to go around marrying people?

  Gloria laughed again. My duty is to connect people, to use my gifts to gently guide people toward love.

  Josie squinted. So youre a real matchmaker?

  The old woman shrugged.

  Josie returned her attention to the wall, searching for something that would help her understand why she suddenly felt angry. She turned abruptly toward the old woman. You set me up with Rick? This was your plan all along? Josie felt herself shaking she was so mad. You had no right to do that, Gloria.

  No, no, dear girl. I didnt know Rick existed as an individual. Please, come sit down with me again and Ill try to explain.

  Josie felt as if she were sleepwalking as Gloria led her back to the sofa.

  When you came to see me after Ira died, I knew instantly that you were my next assignment.

  Josie laughed. I know Im going to regret asking, but who exactly gives you your assignments?

  Gloria giggled the way she did sometimes, narrow shoulders shaking and hands clapping in joy. She looked like a young girl. On that particular day, /you/ gave me the assignment, Josie.

  She shot her a dubious look.

  I saw how you bristled when I talked about my happy life with Ira.

  I bristled? Josie sat straighter. I dont recall bristling.

  I could feel how lonely you were. And I sensed that you were on the cusp of finding your beloved, but were going to need a little, well, /encouragement./ Gloria paused and reached out for Josies hand. The old womans skin felt papery and cool to the touch. I saw that yours would be a special case.

  Josie glanced at the ceiling, trying to be polite but losing the battle.

  Shed come here for help. More of Glorias gobbledygook was the last thing she needed.

  I should probably go. Josie began to stand up, but Gloria held on to her hand.

  You should sit still and listen if you know whats good for you.

  The reprimand in Glorias voice was startling. It reminded Josie of the nun who taught her in fourth grade, the one who regularly made Josie stay after to clean the chalkboard with warm water and stinky liquid soap.

  I sensed that without some extra attention, you and your love would pass each other by, never find your chance for happiness in each other. She patted Josies hand. I could not let that happen.

  Josie tilted her head, puzzled. I had a similar thought once, sitting on the porch at Ricks ranch.

  Gloria smiled softly. You dont say?

  I remember looking out at the beautiful view, feeling truly in love for the first time in my life, and then, /bam!/ I knew it was a miracle that wed found each other. It wouldve been so easy for Rick and me to have never met. It seemed the more likely outcome, really.

  Exactly.

  Josie looked at Gloria for a long moment. So writing the list put me in the right frame of mind? It helped me see Rick for who he was when we met? It made me bold enough to go after him?

  Glorias eyes lit up. Perfectly put.

  Josie shook her head vigorously to regain her focus, and stood up from the couch. She paced across the living room, her heart ready to burst with the disappointment and loneliness. She spun around and pointed at Gloria. But you were wronghe wasnt the one! Josie knew her voice sounded shrill but she didnt care. Im right where I started, only exponentially more miserable!

  She didnt want to cry anymore. All Josie wanted from this visit was some comfort, not a whole new round of confusion.

  Tell me why hes not the one for you. Mrs. Needleman patted the clear plastic. Come. Sit back down and tell me about it.

  Josie sighed, shuffling back to the couch. She told Mrs. Needleman everythingthe details of Ricks past, his solemn promise to her that hed never gotten any woman pregnant, his claim that he would have moved heaven and earth to be a good father if he had. Then she shared Bennett Cummingss tragic story of his daughters pregnancy, abortion, and death.

  Rick lied to me, Josie said simply. I could overlook everything about his pastevery selfish and harmful thing hed ever donebecause he never set out to harm anyone. And I told myself he had changed! I /trusted/ him! How gullible can a girl be?

  Mrs. Needleman nodded solemnly. So what did Rick say when you gave him a chance to explain? Gloria blinked, waiting for Josies answer. When it didnt come, she asked again. What did your young man say when you told him this story?

  Josie tilted her head and stared in disbelief. I never asked him. I havent spoken to him since he busted the door down to save me.

  Mrs. Needleman folded her hands neatly in her lap. But hes tried to contact you?

  Josie swore the old lady was trying not to smile, and she didnt appreciate her attitude. Several times a day. But Im not returning his calls.

  I see.

  Whats the point? Josie asked, growing more pissed off by the second. Ive learned my lesson for good this time. I dont want any more men in my life. Why bother? Theyll only use you and lie to you and then leave you.

  Gloria made a tsk-tsk sound behind her teeth. So, refresh my memory, dear. How exactly did Rick use you?

  Josie froze. That was an interesting question, and she decided to organize the list of offenses in her mind before she shared it with Gloria. Unfortunately, her mind went blank.

  Josie?

  Rick had made her laugh. He had taught her what it felt like to make love. He had put her safety and happiness above his own. Hed chosen her to be the one woman hed confide in, trust, and love. He had told her she was sexy and beautiful. Hed given her that gorgeous painting, simply because shed liked it! Hed enjoyed her eggplant Parmesan. Hed even cooked for hernaked.

  Dear God, he even liked her /dog/.

  Uh… Josie said.

  Gloria smiled cheerfully. And when exactly did he leave you?

  Josie felt her eyes go big. She didnt say anything.

  Is there any chance that Rick wasnt lying to you at all? Mrs. Needlemans eyes got that laserlike focus that made Josie uncomfortable. Is it possible that he was truthful, and you are the one who left him, and for no good reason whatsoever?

  Josie remained quiet, but the inside of her head was roaring.

  How will you ever know if you dont communicate?

  That was enough. Josie jumped from the couch and grabbed her bag. She headed for the door, the tears streaming down her face. Her hand trembled as it grabbed the doorknob.

  Dont blow it, dear girl.

  She spun aroundMrs. Needleman was once again right up against her. Josie shook her head. If I go to him, hell tell me what I want to hear. But how will I know whats real? There will always be this little voice in my head telling me I made the biggest mistake of my life trusting him again. Ill always be waiting for the next shoe to drop.

  Gloria nodded. Well, then theres only one last-ditch option.

  Whats that?

  Follow your instincts. Have faith in love.

  Josies hand slid behind her back, where she rooted around for the doorknob.

  Ira and I werent perfect. Oy! Far from it. Gloria shrugged. There were times I couldnt stand being in the same room with that man.

  How convenient tha
t Gloria skipped over that part for Iras obit, Josie thought.

  Oh, but how I loved him. A smile spread over Glorias wrinkled face and her eyes mellowed. Many times I would look at Ira and feel a sacredness in our being together. I knew he was my soul mate, the other being handpicked by the universe to help me grow into fullness on this earth.

  Josie was taken aback. Thats pretty deep, she said, slowly turning the knob.

  Ira was my beloved. And I have reason to believe that Rick is yours.

  Glorias eyes bored into Josies widening gaze. Some mystics say that if you are lucky enough to find your complementary soul, the Divine steps in to create a third entitya spirit companion, if you willwhose only job is to watch over the two of you.

  Josie swallowed hard. She pulled the door open a crack. Nice idea.

  But if you turn your back on your beloved… Gloria pressed a hand to her heart, as if overwrought by what she was about to say. Dear girl, if you consciously turn away from your belovedthe one designed to love your human heart into perfectionthen the spirit companion leaves you. It never returns. And the goodness that was meant to be will never come to pass.

  Josie blinked a few times, letting the words sink it. Great, she thought. Not only had she failed spectacularly in loveyet againbut this time shed also managed to tell her guardian angel to fuck off and die.

  Go to Rick. Talk to him. Afterward, if you know in your gut that Rick is not your beloved Gloria poked a finger into Josies belly, then tell him so and be on your way. It is your choice.

  Josie felt her shoulders sag. She nodded slowly and sighed, yanking her bag higher on her shoulder. All right, Gloria. Maybe Ill talk to him. I guess it wouldnt hurt to get some closure, one way or the other.

  Thats the spirit! Gloria slipped something into her hand. Josie stared at the words on the business card: /The Reverend Mrs. Gloria Needleman, Universal Spiritual Church; Notary Public; Wedding Officiate; Mensch.

  Payment Plans Available./ Josie laughed. She half expected Mrs. Needleman to tell her she was pulling her leg.

  Instead, Gloria leaned close. In a conspiratorial whisper she said, Im already booked solid for June.

  Gloria was right. Josie was being hardheaded. Rick deserved a chance to explain. Hadnt Josie once promised him that shed be kind and forgiving?

  These last ten days had been filled with nothing but grief, anger, betrayal, and general nastiness, and she hated the way it made her feel.

  By the time she reached her friends at the top of the hill at Dolores Park, shed made her decision. There would be no going back.

  The women stopped dead when she appeared, not only because they didnt expect her, but because of Genghiss drastic change in appearance. They stared in disbelief, mouths open, eyes big.

  Jesus H! Bea shouted. Did he have a fight with Edward Scissorhands or something?

  Hes bald, Ginger whispered. He looksI dont knowlike a big Vienna sausage with legs.

  Gee, thanks, Josie said.

  Lilith growled and snarled at Genghis, a male dog she did not recognize.

  Roxie cracked up laughing. What the hell happened to him?

  I got him clipped yesterday.

  More like skinned, Bea corrected.

  Ginger gasped. Is this what Celestial Pet gives you for free? Because if it is, I think you should go ahead and spend a few bucks.

  Okay. I know he looks strange. Josie could add guilt to the long list of negative emotions shed been wallowing in. I took him to this little place off Twenty-first Street on a whim, when we were out walking. I tend to do impulsive things when Im depressed.

  Ginger shook her head in dismay. For the love of God, go shopping next time, Jozeyou can always take a pair of shoes back to the store.

  Roxie tilted her head. Ive missed you. Im glad youre here. She gave Josie a quick hug.

  Ive missed you guys, too, Josie said. I wanted to tell you that Ive thought about it, and Im going to talk to Rick.

  Thank God! Bea shouted, jumping up and down in her Reeboks. Martina must have thought it was some kind of agility exercise because she jumped with her, barking with joy.

  Roxie and Ginger threw their arms around Josie and rocked her back and forth, squealing with excitement. Everybodys leashes got tangled. An oncoming dog walker opted to take a wide detour around the chaotic group, while Lilith snarled.

  I /knew/ I could talk you into it, Bea said, when she finished jumping.

  Josie picked a strand of Gingers hair from her lips and said, Mrs.

  Needleman did that.

  Really? Bea looked hurt.

  But you helped, Josie quickly added. And so did you two. She peeled Ginger and Roxie off her shirt.

  Ginger began fanning her flushed face. Rick is an absolute gem of a man.

  And Josie, he loves you. Isnt that the Gods truth? Ginger looked to Roxie for confirmation.

  Damn right, Roxie said. That man adores you, Josie. Hes been like a lost puppy without you since the kidnapping. He blames himself for putting you in dangerhe thinks thats why youre angry with him!

  Well, its not, Josie said quietly. Like I told you, something else has been bothering me, but I realize I cant figure it out aloneI need Ricks help.

  Ginger sighed. If you two get back together, it will be the most romantic thing Ive ever witnessed in my life.

  The kidnapping wasnt Ricks fault, Bea said.

  It wasnt anyones fault, Josie added.

  The hell it wasnt!

  Everyone was stunned by Beas outburst.

  It was /my/ fault! she said, raking her fingers through her spiky hair, her voice filled with anxiety. If it werent for my interfering, Rick would have been with you! You wouldnt have been a sitting duck! Beas lips began to tremble. Im so sorry, Josie. Please try to forgive me.

  Oh, Bea. Josie went over to the now thoroughly crying woman and gave her a warm hug. I am blessed to have friends who love me enough to worry about me. Just, next time… Josie gave all of them a thin smile.

  Come to me directly if youve got concerns, okay?

  Of course! Ginger said.

  And you wont hide something important again, no matter how melodramatic we get with our vows and promises, Roxie said, grinning.

  Never, Josie replied.

  But there wont be a next time, right? Beas voice sounded worried. Youre going to work it out with Rick, right? Youre not going to let him go.

  Josie looked around at the anxious expressions on her friends faces and laughed.

  Roxie looked appalled. You almost let a man like Rick Rousseau walk out of your life and you think its funny?

  You cant do that, Ginger said, her eyes big. Go after him, Josie!

  Do whatever it takes. Beas voice became hushed and she grabbed Josies arm. Give it everything youve got. Beg if you have to.

  Josie stared at them. The same women who had spent years scolding her for throwing herself at men were now demanding she throw herself at a man. Youve done a complete one-eighty on me. Whats up with that?

  Were talking about Rick, Bea said, quite seriously. Josie, this man is not one of the Spikes of the world.

  Hes not a Lloyd, Roxie said.

  Hes not even a Wayne or a Randy or a Billy or whoever that guy was who stole your turkey baster when he moved out.

  I havent thought of Lester in years, Josie said.

  You finally got it right. Thats what were saying. Bea shook her head. So dont fuck it up now.

  Josie smiled at her friends, knowing shed heard that piece of advice more than once lately. Ill try to reach him sometime this afternoon.

  Hes at the office until four.

  Josie stared at Bea, who looked sheepish. How would you know that?

  Weve been keeping in touch, Bea said with a shrug. You know, in case you might need him for something.

  Josie laughed.

  Not that Im going to get in your business ever again, Bea added. I swear.

  I think its time for some new vows, Ginger said, a mischievous smile taking over her fac
e. Pile on, girls. She stuck out her hand. Bea slapped hers on next. Then Roxie. Josie went on top.

  I promise to give myself a breaknot be so afraid of being forty and alone, Ginger said. And I promise to be a better friend to all of you.

  Bea jumped in next. I promise to be there for all of you however I can, but from now on Ill offer my assistance from a respectful distanceand only after its requested.

  Everyone giggled.

  I vow to try harder to let go of the past, Roxie said, with a sigh. Ill try not to be so hacked off all the time.

  It was Josies turn. Unlike the last time they did this, she didnt feel compelled to put on an act. Unlike the last time, she had no clever commentary.

  Josie looked into the faces of the three women in the circle and said, I vow to take stock of my blessings every day, and that includes all of you. Thank you for being my friends.

  The women pumped their hands in unison and reached to the sky with a celebratory /whoo-hoo!/ They linked arms and walked, laughing, their dogs running free. Except for the muzzled Lilith and the frightened HeatherLynn, who finished peeing on Gingers shoe, then demanded to be picked up.

  Rick awakened from the stillness of meditation. The instant he opened his eyes, Josie was there. At first he thought she was a mirage, and that, like a dying man in the desert certain hed found water, Josie had come back to himhis salvation at long last.

  His cell phone rang. It was Teeny. Yep, I see them. Tell the front desk Ill take care of it.

  Good luck, Teeny said.

  Rick stood up and walked out from the shade of the ginkgo tree. He jogged across enough of the lawn to know this was no mirage. Coming up the front walkway was the only woman hed ever loved and a dog he decided had to be Genghis, only nude.

  Over here! he called out. Josie!

  It was Genghis all right. The dog saw him, raced his way, sailed through the air, and body-slammed him, only to sniff Ricks zipper once hed regained his footing. But the Genghis Rick knew was gonehe had to be half his former size.

  He stared at the dog in disbeliefhe looked like a lamb after shearing.

  Rick could see the Labradoodles entire face, and for the first time he could put together the tongue-lolling smile with the crazy happy little brown marble eyes. It was like meeting an old friend for the very first time.