Sentenced

by L. L. Collins

  I smiled, knowing exactly why that was. “You’re good. I just got here.”

  He surprised me by sitting next to me in the booth instead of across from me. I gasped as he grabbed my head and pulled me to him, kissing the breath right out of me. His tongue glided against mine. The scent of his aftershave wafted through my senses, and I immediately wanted him. Again.

  Just before I was going to climb in his lap and give the restaurant a show, he pulled back. My lips stung from the kiss in the best way. “Hi,” he said, a small smirk on his lips.

  “Well hi,” I said. I reached my hand out and touched my lips.

  “There’s more where that came from . . . later,” he growled into my ear. “I woke up this morning rock fucking hard thinking of you riding me again. It was so fucking real that I was seriously pissed off that you weren’t in my bed.”

  I’d love to be in his bed. What? You’d love to be in his bed? For sex, just for sex. Right.

  Now I was arguing with myself. In my head. I needed an intervention.

  “You live with your sister and her husband, right? And you said they have a baby?” This should be safe territory. I thought of Natalie’s words this morning. Yes, we could be friends. I could learn how to have one other than her and Beau (well and Tanner and Ryver too, but that wasn’t the same).

  The waitress came, and Johnny ordered a beer. I stuck with water, needing to hydrate.

  “Yeah. My baby sister, Julia. She’s ten years younger than me.”

  I realized I had no idea how old he was. “How old are you?”

  “Old enough to show you a real good time.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me. “Nah, I’m thirty-six.”

  I wasn’t much older than his sister. “I’m twenty-seven.”

  “I know.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Your website?”

  I nodded, sticking my straw into the glass the waitress just brought. “Right.”

  “Anyway, I wanted to move in with Cal—the guy at The Outrigger—but Julia wouldn’t have it. I was always her protector, and we’ve always been very close, so she wouldn’t hear anything about me not staying with her.”

  “Where are you from?”

  “Denver. You?”

  The familiar flutters came into my stomach, but I pushed them away. I could do this. I didn’t have to tell him my life story. “A small town in Georgia. But I haven’t lived there since I was a kid.” I left out that I’d lived in so many homes I couldn’t even tell him all of them.

  He nodded, placated. “I was hanging with my niece, Calia, this morning. They think she’s cutting her first tooth, and she had a fever. Julia hadn’t slept all night so I watched her so she could take a nap for a few hours. So really I wasn’t late because I was sleeping. I was late because I let Julia sleep.”

  My eyes widened. Who the hell was this guy? He took care of his baby niece so his sister could sleep? That didn’t seem like him. Or maybe it did. Maybe I knew nothing at all. “You take care of babies?”

  “She’s the first one I’ve ever held,” he said. “But I just love staring into her face. It’s like everything is right with the world when you look at her. So innocent and untainted. I’d give my life for that baby. And her mom.”

  Deflect. Dodge. The talk about babies couldn’t continue. I cleared my throat. “I bet you say that to all the girls to make their panties wet, huh?” When all else failed, use sarcasm.

  “Do I need to use that to make your panties wet?” Johnny’s eyes zeroed in on my lap. “I bet if I touched you right now you’d be soaked.”

  “Pompous ass,” I said, but he knew I didn’t mean it.

  He shrugged. “If the shoe fits.”

  I wanted to ask him again about music: what did he play, how long had he played, why didn’t he play anymore? The desire to stand next to him and play together consumed me, and I didn’t understand it. I wouldn’t push him too hard though because he’d been so great with telling me I never had to tell him anything I didn’t want to. But I had to at least try.

  “If we went to the studio after this, would you play with me?”

  “I’ll play with you any time, any place,” Johnny said, putting his menu down and kissing me again.

  When he let me up to breathe again, I laughed. “No, not like that. Well, yes, that too. But would you play music with me?”

  He stiffened, turning back away from me and picking up the menu. “I fucking said no, Bex. I told you I can’t.”

  Shit. I was a bitch. I watched him for a second, his jaw clenched as he pretended to read the menu. “I’m sorry.” The words felt foreign. I didn’t apologize. Ever. But I just did.

  Johnny turned his face to mine. He took a deep breath, working through whatever demons I’d knocked out of their corners. I surprised myself again and reached my hand out and entwined our fingers. He watched me, his jaw still ticking but less rigid than before. His eyes zeroed in on our fingers. My small fingers were mixed with his large, manly ones.

  Friends. I could be his friend. Friends held hands and comforted each other, right? I thought so.

  “I’m a dick. I have no idea how to be your friend.” He didn’t pull back, but I sensed that he wanted to. I removed my hand and placed it back in my lap.

  I shrugged. “I’m a bitch, and I have no idea how to be your friend, either. So I guess if we want to be friends we just realize this about each other?”

  The waitress reappeared and we ordered, comfortable silence settling between us.

  “I have to work tonight,” Johnny said. “But I want to hang out with you after lunch.”

  “That’s cool,” I said.

  “I get off late, but if you want to . . .” Johnny left the sentence hanging, waiting for me to take the bait. Did I want him? Hell yeah, I did.

  “Can we go somewhere private after lunch? Beau may be home, but he plays video games in his room.”

  “You live with Beau?”

  “And Natalie.”

  “Have you fucked him?”

  I laughed. “Ew, that’s disgusting. Beau is like my brother. We’ve known each other a long time.” Don’t ask. Please don’t ask.

  “What about Tanner or Ryver?” I breathed out slowly, thanking the stars he didn’t go there.

  I shook my head. “I don’t sleep with my band.” Except for that one time, but there’s no reason for him to know about that.

  “I bet they’ve tried, though.” Yeah, we did. But it was a mistake.

  I shrugged. “Maybe at first. But I’m a bitch, you know. One withering look from me and they shrivel up.”

  Johnny covered his crotch. “Don’t make me shrivel up.”

  “I would never,” I teased. “That would punish me. And I kinda like it.”

  “You kinda like it? Oh, here we go again. Do I need to punish you?”

  “Depends on what kind of punishment you mean.”

  “I think we need to get a doggie bag.”

  Johnny

  I flopped down at the breakfast bar in Julia and Carter’s kitchen, careful not to be too loud. It was late, or early, again. Between going to Bex’s apartment after lunch and making her scream so loud Beau knocked on the wall, then to work, and then having Bex again at her studio, I was wrecked. In the best way possible. I was off today and planned on sleeping for the entire day.

  She was leaving very soon on tour. Whatever would my dick do for a month?

  I didn’t want to sleep with anyone else. The thought shocked me, but it was true. I definitely didn’t want her sleeping with anyone else. The problem was I had no idea how to broach that subject with her. Both of us being with each other was like trying to navigate carefully through each other’s minefields. Since we didn’t know what each other’s triggers were (well, we each knew at least one), we were walking blindly, never knowing when we’d get blown up.

  It was exhausting. I found myself wanting to talk to her because I thought she might just get it. All of it. But I couldn’t. The words, the th
oughts, the memories were right there, but I couldn’t make myself say them. No one knew. Not even Julia.

  So why did I want to tell Bex?

  Sighing, I flipped through the mail on the counter. I was hoping for a letter from my attorney about a court date for my record to be expunged. I saw an envelope with my name on it and looked at the return address. Nothing.

  Strange. I slid my finger under the flap and lifted out the piece of paper. I opened it up and saw just four words in the middle of the page.

  SHE LOOKS LIKE HER

  What the fuck was this? I turned it over, seeing nothing else. Who looks like who? The cryptic message reminded me of the note in my bike the other night that I’d assumed had been some idiot at the club who was jealous. What had it said?

  I slid on my shoes and walked out to my bike, lifting the other paper out of the compartment where I’d left it. I’d completely forgotten about it until now.

  I SEE YOU . . . AND HER

  I walked back inside and laid the two papers next to each other. A cold feeling came over me, making me shiver.

  “I see you . . . and her,” I said out loud. “What does that mean? You see me? Okay, great. You see who? Who is her?” I’d assumed it was Bex, but what if it wasn’t? What if it was . . . Julia? Calia?

  My eyes shifted to the new note. Whoever sent it not only had my name but also my address. Julia’s address. “She looks like her.” Again, who is she and who is her?

  I heard Calia making cooing noises, so I knew Julia would be up soon. I took the notes and tucked them into my pocket, my mind reeling. So the first note hadn’t been a fluke or an asshole at the bar just being dumb.

  Someone was sending me notes.

  That someone knew my bike, knew where I was, and now knew where I lived.

  That meant whoever was tracking me knew where my sister was.

  Fear gripped my chest, and I felt the familiar tingling of a panic attack coming. My breath was coming out in spurts and spots were appearing behind my eyes. What was happening? Why was someone sending me cryptic notes?

  “Johnny?” I felt Julia’s small hand on my back. Fight, Johnny. Get through it. I closed my eyes, trying to focus on breathing through the panic. Her soft touch helped, bringing me back much quicker than usual.

  I looked up at her, trying to force a smile. “Hey, Jules.”

  “Are you okay?” She was holding Calia, her eyes trained on my face.

  I nodded. “Yes. Sorry. I wasn’t feeling well for a moment.”

  I knew Julia didn’t buy it, but she didn’t call me on it. “You need some sleep, Johnny. I thought I was exhausted with a baby, but I don’t even know that you’ve slept a full night since you got here.”

  I probably hadn’t. “I know. I’m going to sleep most of the day today. I’m off.”

  She settled Calia in her little bouncy chair and turned to get a cup of coffee. Calia kicked her legs and blew raspberries, making me smile. That baby was something else.

  “So what’s going on?” Julia’s back was still to me, but I should’ve known. She wasn’t going to let things go.

  “What do you mean?”

  “This is more than just a hook up, right?”

  That wasn’t what I was expecting at all. “What?”

  She turned back, sipping the coffee before continuing. “Sex is just a distraction, you know.”

  I tried to ignore that my baby sister said sex, but I couldn’t. It just sounded all wrong. “Julia . . .”

  She held up her hand, effectively silencing me. “You know I let you be most of the time, Johnny. Even though you won’t talk to me, and I know you need help getting through the stuff that happened to you, I let it go. I’ve given up on you seeing Mia or anyone else to help you through it. But I love you, Johnny. I know you’re a grown man that can do as he pleases, but I feel like I need to say something.”

  I lifted my own coffee cup and sipped the now cold liquid, avoiding her penetrating gaze. What could I say? What was she going to say?

  “This girl you’ve been seeing, what’s her name?”

  How did she know I’d been seeing the same girl? What if I’d had a different one each night? Instead of saying that, which is what I would’ve said to anyone else questioning me, I decided to be straight with her. “Bex. Bexley.”

  I forced myself to look at her. She stood just across the island from me, sipping her coffee and watching me. Studying me. Trying to figure out her point of attack.

  “She’s going out on tour in a few days, and she’ll be gone for a month,” I offered.

  Julia nodded. “And what’s the deal with her? She’s in a band, which is what drew you to her. What else.”

  “Nothing,” I said. “We’re just friends.”

  She laughed. “Friends? Really?”

  Images of all of the things Bex and I had done together rolled through my head. No, we weren’t friends. I shrugged. “Yeah.”

  “So what are you doing with your friend until dawn every day?” Julia’s dimple popped as she smirked at me, knowing full well what the answer was.

  “I’m not talking to you about this,” I said, getting up to get fresh coffee. “I’m a big boy, Jules. I’ve got it all under control. I love you, but this conversation ends here.”

  “Why won’t you just talk to me, Johnny? Why are you so afraid to open up to someone?” I heard her voice crack, and I hated myself for upsetting her. “Or maybe you are talking, just not to me. Wait. Oh, my god. Are you in love with her?”

  I dropped the coffee cup, hot liquid splashing down my legs as the cup crashed to the floor, breaking into pieces. “Fuck,” I hissed as pain shot through my body.

  “Johnny! I’m so sorry!” Julia appeared next to me with paper towels, first wiping the scalding coffee off of my legs and then around me. “Are you okay?”

  “I’ll be fine,” I said, crouching down to pick up the broken pieces of the mug.

  “Everything okay in here?” Carter’s voice came from behind us.

  “I dropped my coffee cup. Sorry, bro.”

  “Did you burn yourself?” Carter indicated the red spots on my legs.

  “I’ll be fine. I’m just going to go rinse off.”

  I headed down the hallway, leaving Julia and Carter looking after me. Her words bounced off of every corner of my brain like boomerangs. Are you in love with her?

  I’d never love anyone. Not again.

  I burst through the front door, ignoring the interested looks of whoever was hanging out here. I had to get to her. I could feel it in my core that something was wrong. I swung my eyes back and forth in the dim living room. She wasn’t in here, so I made a beeline for the bedroom that I shared with a few of the other guys. She still slept in my bed, even though I wasn’t allowed to touch her.

  Jill and I hadn’t made love since the night Ray had raped her. She hadn’t spoken two words to me. She wouldn’t even let me hold her. Most of the time I saw her, she was high. Before that night, she’d never used before. Since that night, I either saw a needle in her or Ray’s dick. He made sure to fuck her in the living room all the time. Sometimes he shared her with a few others. Each time I tried to go after him, and every time one of them would hold me while I was forced to watch her. She’d given up on fighting him. Instead, she laid there like a rag doll and let them, her eyes glassed over with whatever they’d shot her up with.

  I was still going to get her out of here. I’d love her through this and we’d make it. Because I loved her, and that’s what you did when you loved someone.

  The door hit the wall, almost hitting me with the force. The room was pitch dark, so I flicked the light switch. Dim light revealed Jill lying in my bed, her back to me. I breathed out, relief flooding my system. The whole day, I’d had a bad feeling about her. I couldn’t figure out why, but damn was I glad to see her there.

  Walking up to the bed, I sat down carefully. My fingers itched to touch her like I used to when she craved my touch. Her long hair cascaded down h
er back. Her slight body was dressed in only a tank top and underwear.

  I reached my hand out to touch her gently, just for a second. If she was asleep—or high—maybe she wouldn’t know I was touching her. The second my fingers touched her skin I recoiled. She was ice cold.

  I jumped up, turning her so she was facing me. Open, lifeless eyes stared up at me.

  “NO!” I shouted, my fingers going back to her neck. Nothing. Before I could stop myself, I pulled her into my lap and held her. “Jill, wake up. I’m here. God, I’m here. I let this happen to you, baby. I’m so sorry. Please wake up for me. I’m going to get us out of here right now.”

  Jill’s head bobbed as I held onto her, tears streaking down my face and dripping onto her lifeless one. She was gone. She’d probably been gone since I’d left two days ago on a ‘trip’. What the hell had they done to her? Had they done this on purpose?

  “Such a shame,” Ray cackled at the door. “She loved my dick, though, and shit if that pussy wasn’t sweet. But turns out, she loved the needle just a little more. You were going to save her, were you, Frat Boy?” He guffawed, coming closer. Rage sliced through me. He did this. This was all his fault. “You know better than that,” his foul breath said into my face. “You weren’t getting her out of here, and you aren’t getting out of here, either. This is your consequence for even trying to outsmart us. I fucked her while she took her last breath. My cum is still in her pussy. Wanna see?”

  I laid her down gently back onto the bed and stood up, my fists clenched at my sides. “You killed her!”

  Ray shrugged. “She’s a dime a dozen, Frat Boy. I can have someone sucking my dick in less than five minutes. But see . . . she meant something to you, and you showed us disrespect. This is what you get.” He stepped closer to me. “Don’t fuck with me, Johnny. This is only one small part of what I can do to you. You’re lucky I didn’t go after precious Julia and put my dick in her as she died.”

  I shot up, sweat covering my body as I realized I’d been dreaming again. I looked around, realizing it was late afternoon, and I’d been sleeping most of the day. God, I wished the nightmares would stop. It would greatly help my ability to sleep.